Stepdaughter and Daughter's Wedding

[WickedMotherofthebride]

Decided to become a member as it seems to be Stepchildren and wedding season on Mumsnet and sobbing uncontrollably to my sister isn't giving me the unbiased opinions I am after.
For the first time in our 22 year marriage my husband's ex invited him to dinner. We were very curious thinking she must be ill or something. I admit after a couple of hours I used my iphone to track him and he was at Charing Cross, then an hour later in the pub around the corner from us, he rarely drinks but came home the worse for wear and completely ashen.
Essentially if he goes ahead to walk my daughter down the aisle he can say goodbye to a relationship with his own daughter who is apparently devastated by this. Something that has been confirmed by his son.
I am one of those women who let a loser impregnate her, I thought the odd splif wasn't a big deal but he turned into an absolute stonehead who was in and out of my daughter's life until she was 8 when I married my husband. I don't know if her father's absence and my getting married was a coincidence but I think it was.
My husband is to all intents and purposes her dad.
At 15 a strange man arrived at the door wanting me to talk to him without my daughter present., obviously I wouldn't but my husband went out. It was the husband of my daughter's aunt to tell us that her dad had died.
She was given the chance to have a relationship with her family but chose not to saying that my husband was her dad.
Stepdaughter has a long term partner but there are no wedding bells.
My husband is adamant now that he can't give my daughter away something that I will not forgive him for. In fact I will divorce him if he doesn't.
The wedding is in 18 weeks.

I think you as her mum should walk her down the aisle. You have been there through thick and thin therefore I think younshould do it. Your husband can maybe give a father of the bride speech?

I think you're very wrong to issue your husband with an ultimatum like this. You're adults, you're supposed to love each other and be a partnership, so you sit and talk it over and find a solution. Talk with your daughter also.

If it were me I'd be doing whatever I could to help my husband, not fight with him. I'd suggest that you escort your daughter and that your husband makes a loving and proud speech at the reception. That way you both take an important part in the wedding and no one's nose is put out of joint.

How old is this horrible stepdaughter? What the hell is wrong with her? Unless there is a backstory where your DD made her life a living hell during their younger years, I would hope that your DH tells her to go whistle. I am not sure I’d leave him over it though.

Yes exactly - he lived with and was dad to your daughter. He probably saw more of your daughter than his own.

That's what is causing this. Years of hurt and upset for his daughter.

A modern woman doesn't need to be given away by a man, FFS. Just let your daughter walk down the aisle solo/with bridesmaids/with her fiance. There doesn't need to be all this ridiculous drama.

He is her stepdad, and that's bound to have been hard for his daughter through the years too.

This is how it's manifested itself.

The op can either be pissed off and divorce her husband, or she can try and make things easier for him.

Being livid won't change a thing.

Walk her down the aisle yourself.

You need to stay out of this as much as possible. Clearly your stepdaughter has a lot of complex feeling about her dad and their relationship. This is something you can’t fix, your DH needs to step up and get to the bottom of why she is feeling so upset and try and work on their relationship.

Secondly, I would suggest you walking your DD down the aisle. It is by far the most sensible option in the circumstances.

Finally, I can’t believe you would threaten divorce over this. You should be trying to keep everything calm for your DD’s sake, not fanning the flames.

I think SD is upset and it’s compounding years of upset about her dad living with your daughter rather than her. I’d be sensitive to it, and not make it a drama at your DD’s wedding.

But the concept of a man giving a woman away to another man is really offensive to many. Why not suggest to your DD that she has more respect for herself as an individual?

Well it’s immature and pathetic. Especially if she is an adult. If your parent loves another child it doesn’t mean they love you any less.

Yes she can, they are all adults. She doesn’t need to go into bat.

She could help by offering the obvious solution of walking her own DD down the aisle. She could also help by supporting her DH who finds himself in an awful situation.

But throwing a tantrum and making demands is completely unnecessary.

Either your daughter walks herself down the aisle, or she walks halfway and her fiance walks the rest with her, or you walk her, or her bridesmaids walk her, or her siblings walk her.

Your husband can do a speech, or first dance.

SD and ex are batshit and unreasonable to give any sort of ultimatum.

I'm a step mum and I feel like we always get a hard time on here but the histrionic reaction of the op threatening divorce has really got my back up and probably an indication of just how she has behaved over the years.

The dh should take a long hard look at why his daughter is feeling this way.

You don't have step siblings so you don't know what it's like to watch your dad raise some other girl full time when you only see him at weekends. She probably found it extremely upsetting growing up and wants him to confirm for once that she's his daughter and she matters more than his stepdaughter.

We don't know the dynamics, but you may be right, either way that doesn't help ops husband who's choice at the minute is upset his daughter and potentially ruin that relationship, or have op divorce him.

This is such an important point. This is a horrible situation but try coming at it with some understanding. What your SD is doing isn't right but it sounds like it could be coming from a place of real pain.

Your DH firstly needs to speak to his daughter to reassure her that he can have two daughters, and she's so important in his life. It's not an either or. Would SD have been invited or play a role in the wedding? It must be confusing that her Dad is the Dad at this wedding but she's not the sister, if you see what I mean.

I think more compassion and discussion, less fighting, for your DD's sake more than anything, what do you think this is going to do to her wedding if you fight or even divorce over it? Her wedding memories will always be tied to this, and it will be a horrendous run up to the wedding, likely spoiling the whole thing. You must come together on this, your DH is in a horrible situation.

The FOB ha other roles to play.... couldn't you consider walking her down the aisle and he still do the speech? He's still FOB at the wedding then, but your sharing it, which is nicer in my opinion anyway -; equality and all that

How old is your stepdaughter? Can your DH not speak to her directly about this?

I agree 100% with this.

I suspect that the SDs side would be interesting to listening too before people jump straight to judging her.

The OP is behaving the same as the ex. I feel sorry for the dad stuck in the middle.

Exaactly this!

I wasn't. i am not a parcel.

Totally agree.
The Op is not even trying to see it from the stepdaughter’s point of view.

I agree with this too. Rightly or wrongly, the OP’s SD wants proof that her dad loves her more than her stepsister.

I think many people could relate to that. This isn’t the best way to go about it, but I do understand.

Has he spoken to his DD about this, rather than her mother and his son?

I think before anything else that’s the priority.

I think she is being unreasonable but I wouldn’t be issuing ultimatums of my own. As pp’s have said, I’d walk my DD down the aisle myself if it came to it.

What I’d be more concerned about as your DH in setting a precedent where she learns that ultimatums get her what she wants.

Stopping him giving your DD away for now, but what in the future? Leaving you? Not seeing any step grandchildren, demanding money etc etc

Its a bloody slippery slope I personally I wouldn’t let my children blackmail me this way - hence the first reaction to speak with her face to face and unpick why she is doing this and what the ramifications are because even if she gets her own way on this, none of you will ever think about her in the same way again.

But that also goes for you OP in issuing counter demands of your own….

I actually feel really sorry for this man. He can't win. One way or the other, he upsets someone. He's been threatened with never seeing his daughter again and divorce.
If I were him, I'd be genuinely upset at being treated that way by you all.
The sensible option is obviously that she either walks alone down the aisle, or you walk with her. He can still play a massive role in the wedding with speeches and dances and so on. He can even be with her before and after she walks or do a reading.
I can't believe you'd divorce your husband who raised your DD with you over a couple of minutes of an entire day of celebration.