After school detention is a thing now?

[PennyWhistleSweet]

My 11 yr old yr 7 son has been issued an after school detention for disrespecting a new teacher.

We never had them at my high school and wanted to know what you all thought of them.

Myself, I'm currently at whits end with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me etc (another thread for another day) so I'm hoping this might give him a bit of a shock.

Please tell us more, @MrsSkylerWhite!

Some concerning things in your comments. The fact he is the way he is with you and the fact that the change from a male teacher to female teacher has resulted it this should not be ignored.

Kids of 11 can very much be influenced by what is available out there with regard to the disrespect and degradation of women. I’m sorry, I know that’s horrible to have to think about, but it is fact and should not be ignored.

I trust your husband has sat him down and done the whole ‘ she is your mother, but she is my wife and I will not have you disrespect her’ talk.

Right how the phone needs to be changed to one where he can only text or call (if he’s not that into his phone as you say this will have little impact on him). Then you need to block access to certain sites and content from your home router (you’d be amazed by kids tech knowledge to hide what they have been doing from their parents). Don’t be naive, be sharp, on the ball and nip it in the bud now.

He had Snapchat for a while as all his friends did too. I banned it before any other parents did.

Yes my husband and I have both called him up on his behaviour, repeatedly.

The assumption from some posters that we have allow him access to apps that no other parents of an 11/12 yr old would is not correct. He was one of the last of his peers to get a phone and all of them have been allowed smart phones, snap chat etc. Not that I'm following the crowd but it's unrealistic to be shocked at what I have allowed. I've always used the family app link which is a window into what he uses online.

It is absolutely shocking! As you say many PPs have commented on this.

He is 11, just started secondary school, going through puberty, as well as all of the stuff going on at home. And he is on SM.

It’s really sad and quite painful to read this thread. What hope do some of our young people have? It’s hard enough as it is.

OP, so much advice on here. Take it and seriously do something.

You say he is a good boy, it’s only awful behaviour towards you. It is better to bring your DS up well than to defend him.

Police only came out once to us (not including when a neighbour called them). After that we were told that as there were two of us should be able to manage DS, and they refused to come out. Apparently we should do 'whatever is necessary', which I disagree with and which Social Services also disagree with.

Thankfully things have calmed down a bit. But there's always the fear in the back of my mind that things could go that way again.

You’ve mentioned OP that you suspect he had PDA but up until recently he’s been lovely.
I think you would have had some inkling of it before for instance our eldest has always been ‘quirky’ managed ok ish in lower years of primary school but did have his struggles.
By the time he was in year 5 he was falling apart at the seams and was defiant and oppositional at home. The effort of keeping things together at school and appearing ‘normal’ was exhausting and by the time he reached home he was exhausted and overwhelmed. He was assessed and has an autism diagnosis, and we’ve become a lot better at managing things.
Despite his diagnosis and struggles he has never put his hands on me, used profane language despite being angry and throwing things, if anything he has always been more careful since getting bigger and he now towers above me and knows even in the heat of the moment he can cause serious harm if he lashes out at people.

It could be the transition to secondary that has triggered this, which is why I asked how that went and if he has a history of meltdowns in a previous post.

For DS it was returning to school after the lockdowns, having missed all the usual transition they would have done from infants to juniors (same school but different site), starting off in one bubble, then the bubbles were mixed up (DS said he didn't care but that some other children were really upset, which means he was really upset). Then the final trigger was one of his friends moving to a different area and changing schools - at that point the meltdowns increased dramatically and I was covered in bruises from multiple meltdowns a day. I'm just thankful it happened then and not with the move to secondary.

Myself, I'm currently at whits end with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me etc (another thread for another day) so I'm hoping this might give him a bit of a shock.

It's not another issue though, it's the same problem. If he behaves like that to his own mother of course he's going to be disrespectful to anyone and everyone.

Is he disrespectful to his dad in the same way as he is to you? What are you doing to reducate/rehabilitate him? It won't be easy as this is probably an ingrained product of his earlier childhood (unless there's some obvious recent trauma that's triggered it).

No issue with after school detentions, not sure how old you are but they were the standard form of detention when I was at school in the 90's (none of that wimpy lunchtime shit, being kept in then wasn't even classed as a detention).

Afterschool detentions are normal, and honestly im a bit disgusted to see parents object against it because their precious child misses the school bus and has to find their own way back home.
My eldest DD had a lunchtime detention a couple of years ago. She came home whining to me that she spent the afternoon hungry (at the school DD goes to, lunchtime detentions last the entirety of the lunch break and youre not allowed to eat or drink) but I told her she shouldve thought about that before being gobby in her lesson

Have you seen Adolescence?

Preteens are key demographic for these people.

This depends on the cause.

DS generally wasn't disrespectful to others - we're continually told what a lovely polite child he is. He targeted me during meltdowns, I think because I was 'safe', just like he only had meltdowns at home because it was a safe place - in public he would shut down.

@lessglittermoremud absolutely quirky, class clown, has friends but can be socially awkward. He has an EHCP on place so it's not 'parents diagnosis '. He's always been managbly demand avoiding.

@altmember no hes great with his Dad and his Dad wouldn't take any shit.

No I haven't seen adolescence. About a boy killing another kid? I know it's about secondary school.

Here’s the thing. I am a teacher. I have seen and still see the shocking behaviour of kids in schools. You would not believe the violence I have witnessed-a colleague had to retire as he was hit by a child and had his arm broken.
I think we are a bit beyond semantic debates.

@EilonwyWithRedGoldHair I was continually told when this first started that it was being he could be himself with me after the big change to high school. This was when he was just annoyed with me or disobedient.

It could well be the move to secondary but from OP post it’s her and one teacher that is being targeted.
Our son was the same with all of his ‘safe’ people (immediate family) and all teachers saw him struggling.
He transitioned well into secondary school but now again we are seeing more ND behaviours and exhaustion, which is being witnessed by loads of different people.
If there has not been any previous hints of ND in the OP son and he’s been a delight for years and is aiming this behaviour at her specifically then something quite complex is going on.
I just wanted to highlight that not all ND children lash out at the parents, there does seem to be an increase in people assuming poor behaviour is a sign of ND in their children and they are missing other causes.

Did you grow up somewhere rural, OP? We never had detention after school at secondary because most of us had to get the bus back. It was always dinner and break time detention.

@MrsKeats I appreciate you have a lot more experience in handling hormonal boys hitting puberty than me. I made mistakes but it's not out of line with what other parents are allowing their children. I previouslyentioned that he was one of the last of his peers to get a phone

@ObelixtheGaul yes very rural!

It’s not the phone it’s the apps and what they are accessing.

That might be why you didn't have after school detention, then. My secondary school was in a village and was attended by children from surrounding villages. The only transport for most of us was the school bus.

I left school in 1991 and detentions were definitely used in my secondary school! They are something that have been around for decades! My son's school has detentions too. If your son is calling you names and pushing you, then it shouldn't be much of a surprise he's treating school staff in the same way.

Sure - my son got detention a lot! After three normal detentions then you got a Saturday one.
He got them mainly for being late, chatting too much in class, messing about. The teachers loved him but he did test those boundaries! So I was never concerned, though I did tell them if they REALLY wanted to get him to pay attention tell him he would miss the next rugby match…