After school detention is a thing now?

[PennyWhistleSweet]

My 11 yr old yr 7 son has been issued an after school detention for disrespecting a new teacher.

We never had them at my high school and wanted to know what you all thought of them.

Myself, I'm currently at whits end with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me etc (another thread for another day) so I'm hoping this might give him a bit of a shock.

If something has happened to change your son's behaviour (not just having a new teacher) then that needs to be tackled. If there isn't an underlying cause then he needs to listen to you and his dad, and his teachers. I would not stand for my kids mocking me, and they're in their twenties. Teach him to respect you and set him on the right course through life.

Easily. You are niave.

I wrote a longer post which vanished due to Wi-Fi problems but in a nutshell, detention is the least of your worries.
Child on parent violence is becoming more of an issue, in particular sons killing their mothers.
I’ve been there with my (adopted) DDs and eventually the oldest was sentenced to six months in a young persons institution for repeated assaults on me, while the younger one went back into care as her own risky behaviour meant I couldn’t keep her safe.
You need to involve the authorities - police, children’s services, even the GP and let them know what is going on. I would ring 999 every time he pushes you or otherwise hurts you physically. The police put a marker on our address that 999 calls were to be treated as priority and sometimes were round several times a week.
Now they’re in their 20s my girls are much better. Not perfect but better, and our relationship is improving all the time. But I look back on those years as a nightmare and wonder how I got through them. And I have no regrets about involving the police.

I left school in 2000 and detentions were always after school. (Though I never had one 😇lol)
The only lunchtime ones were when they gave the whole class one.

Just seen that he is 11 and ADHD. I've taught a couple of boys and 10-12 is a hard time as testosterone shoots up which makes their already rocky emotional regulation and impulse control 100times worse.
Have you discussed the possibility of medication?

Our ds school do both lunch time and after school. After school detention is for eitger serious stuff (immediate after school but not that day)or for repeated lunchtime detentions (build up, then given after school).

It can be a nightmare especially if they get a school bus.

I feel like you’re being a bit naive here. If you are being physically assaulted by him that is domestic violence and a criminal offence. Bruises from your 11 year old son! But you don’t want to take away the things he likes or his phone and are worried about how an after school detention affects your job? I think you need support not only from child safeguarding, family support and school but the domestic violence team in the police and women’s aid. Your husband shouting at you both and pushing your son is equally concerning. Your son learned it somewhere.

Why is he on social media at age 11?

Sounds like he needs it.

Maybe, if this is the case, would be a great reason for kids to stick to rules and not be assholes.

If things for uniform etc - parents need to get involved if teachers being ridiculous. If being disrespectful in class - suck it up

People moan that there is no consequences for bad behaviour anymore in out society but when schools try to enforce discipline then you gets parents saying they'd expect their child to just ignore it. Why should a teacher have to give up their lunchbreak to supervise a lunchtime detention? He's got a detention, school deem he deserves it. He has the detention and as parents you manage his behaviour.

It sounds very tough for you at the moment, the only advice I have is speaking to your dh so you are on the same page about what is deemed acceptable in terms of parenting and what isn't. I'd also speak to school about his behaviour at home, GP with regards to meds and or the police.

You 11 year old has Snapchat? Are you insane? Do you have any idea what that platform can be used for?

When I was at school in the 90s they were a thing, but only very serious transgressions. When my kids were at school not many years ago they were used a lot more, not doing homework etc

Several of us have picked up on this, MrsKeats, but OP's chosen not to reply

I’m 35 - when I was at school, lunch time detentions were for forgetting your books/ an odd occasion of forgetting your homework/ consistent lateness. After school detention was for really bad behaviour - so would definitely be issued for disrespecting a teacher. People are saying it’s inconvenient with travelling home etc - isn’t that the point? It’s a punishment, if it had no impact on your day it wouldn’t really be working would it?

My kids are 18 and 19 and they were definitely a thing when they were at school.

After school date tips existed in the 60s and 70s and then with our kids in the 90s and 2020/10s. Not that they ever received one 😇🤣

I’ll gloss over my record ……

Probably because when you are at your wits end and feel like you are not coping, posts which dismissively tell you that you are insane, naive, foolish, failing.... undermine you further. There has been some constructive advice on this thread but some sections feel like a pile on where the language used would turn anyone off the underlying sensible messages.

I am not being dismissive. I am genuinely shocked that people allow this.

@PennyWhistleSweet you might find these links helpful for advice and support on child to parent violence:
https://www.respect.org.uk/pages/114-capva
https://reducingtherisk.org.uk/child-on-parent-violence/
https://whosincharge.co.uk/wp-content/uploads/WIC-Addressing-Child-to-Parent-Violence-and-Abuse-Information-to-help-parents-V1-2020-3.pdf

As you'll see, you're not the only family where this is happening. Any experienced child support professional (mental health, social services, school pastoral, GP, counsellor) will have come across this before x

More parents need to be supportive of the school, it will benefit their child in the long run, teaching them that even if one doesn't necessarily agree with a rule they should follow it. There are loads of areas here, in the sticks, with 20mph limits, I don't think they're necessary but I drive accordingly.
50+ years ago when my brother was late home from school Dad asked why and bro told him he'd been in detention. What did you do to get a detention? asked Dad. Nowt! said bro. Well, what should you have been doing? asked Dad. Consequences followed and brother was more careful in future.

You might have been shocked, and you probably just wanted to express how inappropriate you thought this was for 11yr olds, but you asked her if she was insane. I think that was dismissive. It might feel an ok phrase when debating something innocuous with friends but it jarred a bit when directed at a woman who might already feel humiliated at being subjected to violence from her child.

This!!!

Did he have free internet access? Too many children have grown up with too much free internet access far too young ( i’m talking infant age!) and we are seeing the repercussions with many of them. It’s all too much for children and teenagers growing brains.

Yes some children don’t seem affected and carry on but after 30 years of working with them i’ve absolutley seen this impact.

At least they’re professionals, OP. We’ve one at the end of the garden who sings 😱

Sorry, wrong thread!