After school detention is a thing now?

[PennyWhistleSweet]

My 11 yr old yr 7 son has been issued an after school detention for disrespecting a new teacher.

We never had them at my high school and wanted to know what you all thought of them.

Myself, I'm currently at whits end with him calling me a fucking bitch and pushing me etc (another thread for another day) so I'm hoping this might give him a bit of a shock.

Yep - we had after school detentions - I was in secondary school through the 90s. And we lived 40 minutes drive away.

I was no angel at school but I was terrified of my mum - no way was I ever explaining to her why she’d be stuck waiting for me for 45 minutes of an evening. Never did anything bad enough to warrant the detention so I guess something stuck!

Well, he's not going to get weaker as he grows. He will grow taller, bigger, stronger.

You imply he has given you a beating because he is bigger than you.

Is his dad bigger than him?

Knock this PDA on the head right now. You are rearing a boy who is well on his way to becoming a thug and if you can't control it when he is 11, you will be in fear of him when he is 15.

Think of a punishment that will work and apply it.

Edited to add: the more he whinges and cries about his punishment, the more you will know it is working.
If a punishment doesn't work, don't wring your hands. Think of another one and apply it and keep repeating until the pips squeak.
In the house all weekend-no screens-and he moans-good, you're on a winner.
Flush his phone down the loo-he cries-you're on another winner,
Have a chat to him-he rolls his eyes-you're on a failure.

You'll soon find out what works.

He's old enough to be abusive to you. Hes old enough to figure out getting the bus home.

I'd recommend watching the tv series 'Adolescence' and notice how unaddressed generational male anger (the father's side) and appeasing weakness from the mother contribute to the son's predicament - to say nothing of an unsupervised laptop in the child's bedroom.

Social Media has a lot to answer for, but it's parents' responsibility to set & maintain boundaries, to model and than expect decent, safe values and behaviour, and to equip children with the ability to withstand peer and SM pressure ("a built-in, copper-bottomed, bullet-proof crap detector").

Also: no smart-phone till age 16 (let them have a basic "burner" phone); a shared family lap-top and/or iPad in the kitchen or shared family area, where whatever children are looking at can be monitored.
No smart devices upstairs. Start early and as you mean to go on.
It's much harder to take things away once given.

Child has access to phone and social media sites younger than what is in their T&Cs.

Is abusive to Mum, verbally and physically.

Dad had a ‘short temper’ and has shoved him.

But yeah, it’s the teachers fault and detentions are bad…

No wonder people are leaving the profession in droves.

I think you are worried about the wrong thing.

Quite. What are you doing to sort out his awful behaviour? The detention is neither here nor there.

Since when has it not been a thing? DD’s school (very high performing grammar) has 30 minute and 1 hour long detentions after school on Fridays alongside principal’s detention on a Saturday morning for the worst or repeated offences.

Maybe for once he's got a teacher who doesn't put up for his shit

Teachers and TAs in Y6 are now dealing with the effects of Tate’s vile material. Staff are reporting cases of boys refusing to respond to female teachers’ instructions. This is a problem in pre-pubescent boys not just 13/14 year olds.

DD’s school has after school detention for breaking certain rules. I completely agree with those rules and I don’t want DD breaking them , so I fully support them. As such, she knows that if she breaks them , it will be an inconvenience for HER. She’ll miss the school bus which is a shortish, nice , convenient journey and instead she has to take a train and a bus which takes about an hour and pay for it herself. Up to her.

We had detentions in secondary school in Ireland in the late 70s and early 80s, both individual and whole class detentions. I missed many a bus home because of a little coterie of miscreants in my class.

You need to get help for your son's terrible behaviour at home. Leave no stone unturned.

Yes indeed. That vile 'man' has a lot to answer for.

We used to have after school detentions ! It's nothing new I think.

As far as I know, pretty much every secondary school has had them for years. We had them when I was at school in the 90s. We also had Saturday detentions. They were much more of a deterrent.

'The road downhill was an easy road, so that was the way we went'.

Grow a backbone. He's crying out for you to stand up to him.

If an eleven year old boy of mine treated me the way yours treats you, he wouldn't be able to sit down for a fortnight. Sorry if that's not PC.

I am so sorry for your situation. Aside from the detention, have you not realised that what you are suffering is domestic abuse from an 11 year old. You need to sit him down and tell him that you would be quite within your rights to phone the police if he assaults you again. Just the threat of reporting him to the police may be enough to curb his behaviour towards you, it’s time for some tough love.

After school detention has always been a thing since I was at school in the 90s. However ur comment of being at your wits end and then saying you haven't blocked all Internet and just some social media,i belive you may be part of the issue here as there seem to be very little consequences to the bad behaviour.

OP as your son has ADHD, is the violence due to him having meltdowns?

Does he have a history of meltdowns and now age/size is making them harder to physically manage or is this perhaps to do with hormones kicking in?

Does he mask in school? How was the transition to secondary school?

There's a lot of people making suggestions as if your DS was NT, which he isn't.

Detention isn't much of a punishment any more. My yr7 lad got one for late homework. He normally is good at doing it but missed this one by mistake. Anyway. Detention, he received. He said the teacher ignored then and they just sat and chatted. So did seem a bit pointless. I thought they would get work to do or sit and read etc. Nope. If anything he was pleased because it was raining and he normally has to wait for me to collect him after the primary school run...

If his dad is bigger and stronger than the lad, why isn't his dad involved in disciplining him? Because this boy might have more respect for a strong man than he does for his mum .

I'm not saying he shouldn't respect his mum or other women. But it seems he doesn't . Maybe his dad needs a chat with him?

I would have thought the same until I heard of boys displaying overt misogyny aged as young as 9. It's rife in some areas / schools.

As a secondary school teacher I would say that parents undermining the behaviour system and refusing to support after school detention is one of the main contributing factors to poor behaviour in the classroom. I actually feel sorry for those kids because without those boundaries in place they almost certainly get worse in terms of behaviour and then end up with poor or no GCSEs. Sad but true.

This sounds really tough and you need extra help I think.

Contact your local council about parenting courses for violent teens, there might be one using NVR a technique that may work for you.

Your DH needs to stop being aggressive, now. It's modelling that it's ok. Verbal and physical aggression are both aggression.

I'd also remove his phone and replace it with a brick phone personally. Who knows what he's looking at. Does he have WhatsApp?

I’m not sure if they were thing when I was at school in the 80s/90’s. I don’t think so? Probably if they were a thing I don’t remember because I was a good girl (cough teachers pet). I’m not sure what I think of after school detention. There has to a sanction of some kind and I suppose there is a limit to what school can use. Lunchtime is probably better, or they should be planned and not just the kid kept back after school on that day in case the parent worries or the child can’t make alternative arrangements to get home. I imagine it’s particularly problematic for kids who get organised transport home (as opposed to walking, public transport or lifts). It’s all very well saying school isn’t childcare, but the reality is parents work and not everyone can get home from work for 5pm to collect their child because they couldn’t get their usual transport home. We aren’t all pottering around at home baking bread and waiting for our darlings to get home.