To not understand how people fund their lives and feel a bit jealous?

[Travelenthusiast]

Just that really. Mid-30s and we have what I have always seen as a healthy income of £180k per annum (obviously been lower when we were younger and increased over time), and had some family help - about £50k to buy our first house several years ago.

And i’m not complaining about our quality of life- I know we are lucky and can afford a good holiday every year, and a more expensive/ luxury holiday occasionally. DS does a few extra-curricular activities, we don’t have to worry about the food shop total (we aren't extravagant at all) and can afford to eat out a few times a month etc. And I know we are lucky as I grew up in a poor family and understand the stress and implications.

But we have a very modest 3-bed house (with a big mortgage), our car is ten years old and there’s no way we could replace it, we can rarely afford to replace clothes and shoes for us (of course do for DS), days out are thought through to reduce cost, would make pack lunches to take into work and don’t buy shop coffees, we could not afford private school, and often we cut out the eating out to add to savings instead- basically £ is not abundant. And we are relatively careful financially and not big spenders generally. None of this is me saying our life is bad- I know we are really luckily, but just trying to give an idea of limitations / life.

We do live in SE commuter belt (not london) where everything is very expensive.

But we are surrounded by families who have so much more, so apparently effortlessly. We are genuinely one of the only local families without a 4x4 (i know cry me a river 🤣). How do others have it all and have the big house, the new car, endless holidays, SAHM often, the new clothes, meals out, lots of savings? Is it simply that they earn much more? I know we are lucky but I just don’t understand how so many can be so wealthy? Could most of our network really have a household income over £200k?!

Darling, honestly I think you're somehow doing life wrong. What are you spending the money on? Do you have super expensive childcare? Is your mortgage crazy?

My friend just bought a gorgeous place in zone 2 on a similar salary (granted, had a deposit from old house) and lives a good life with fun, food, good car if that's important to you... As a single person, not as a couple.

I left the rat race behind a few years ago, although I left with a fair comfort cushion so I don't need to save for a pension, so I live on a fraction of that mostly income in the Lake District.. My life is spas, day trips, personal trainers, Michelin star restaurants, beautiful clothes... I'm living the dream.

You must somehow have very high fixed costs, whether that's childcare, mortgage, commuting, fixed savings accounts, paying down old debts...? Do you spend money on things you 'need' but don't really need, e.g. clothes every month?

Wowser. Our combined family income is half of yours. We have a 4 bed town house on a lovely estate in Yorkshire, no parental help with deposit. We bought our first 3 bed semi using the help to buy scheme many years ago and had a 5% deposit. We made some decent money when we sold it which allowed us to buy this one with a 70% mortgage. 2 DC in school so we don’t have childcare costs anymore. I have a company car which gets replaced every 4 years, DH owns his car outright and it’s 15 years old but we use mine as the main car. We live a lovely life, I have luxury handbags, kids have nice trainers etc, do extracurricular activities, we’re off to Orlando for our family holiday this year, my house smells like diptyque candles. I don’t know how you think you’re struggling. This is absolutely mind blowing. Other people just earn more, are saving less or have a shed load of debt, cars on finance etc. I think it’s time for a spreadsheet to see where all your money is going!

This is so on the money. Getting the ‘big car’ doesn’t mean you’ve made it in life. It means you’ve been sucked in by marketing to spend money you haven’t got on something you don’t need (that’s also needlessly driving up your emissions and pollution, but that’s a whole other point). Stop looking at others, and start looking inside at what leads to lasting happiness - you don’t need a massive income for that.

agreed! I think it’s utterly tragic that people are so brainwashed they only feel successful if they have a 4 bed detached and 2 range rovers. Does anyone actually stop and ask themselves whether they actually want that?

They make huge bonuses and much bigger salaries than yours, that’s how.

People's priorities are not always in the right place for the right things. For example I had a mum (sue) coming in once a week for 2 hours to do the basics. The same week Sue told me she didn't have much money for groceries, her friend paid for botox treatment for her, and Sue is wearing new exercise gear she bought on after pay the following week. The same friend convinced Sue to miss a shift here to take her to some car rally event, and Sue goes along with it...

It was frustrating because when Sue tells me she doesn't have much for groceries, I'm pulling stuff out of our freezer and garden to give to her in addition to her earnings.

I ended up wound up about it so ended Sue's work here. Sometimes it's better to remove yourself from the situation. If this is happening to you and it's causing you angst, turn your back. Neither you nor I can resolve other people's financial decisions.

We don't earn as much but apparently we are in the top tier of earners. We have nice holidays but that is it in terms of lavish luxuries, 9 year old car, no designer brands, no iPhones, no meals out unless on holiday, no takeaways, 1 trip a year to the theatre or a concert, etc. A day out involves transport, entry tickets and a picnic from tesco (or M&S!) etc yet I see families on days out spending seemingly without thought in the gift shops and in the cafes etc and just don't understand how we are considered very high earners. I am happy with my life so I am not complaining but I do wonder how other people afford to be frivolous in their spending when we can't.

My conclusion is that it is because we are both employed rather than self employed. So everything we earn is taxed (heavily), nothing is hidden from the tax man. I think that the income declared by many people running their own companies or self employed is just the tip of their income iceberg. If you only declare half of your income then you have effectively just doubled the half you didn't declare as you don't lose half of it to tax. So the lifestyle of a £100k family who are PAYE can be achieved at a much lower declared income level if it is not all properly taxed.

I think there must be a huge number of people appearing with much lower income in the stats of household income levels, who are actually,secretly much richer. They are just paying considerably less tax than they should be because otherwise it really doesnt make any sense.

seriously fuck off

Stealth brag if I ever heard one. OH poor us we only earn £180k seriously get a grip and manage what many other people would class as a fortune better

You earn an enormous amount of money, particularly for your age. Comparison is the thief of joy, so frankly, be grateful and read the room, kid.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Count your abundant blessings and stop hankering after even more, good grief.

edited to add I didn’t see the poster above say the exact same thing, so if you get that message twice in a row it’s really time to heed it!

You should be embarrassed by this post OP

Posted in error

Are you taking the piss?

Oh how one could only dream, while my household income as a single parent with three children is £25K total (maximum). I'm not in any debt... You get nearly 9 times my income and I honestly cannot say that I feel jealous of other people in the way you do. It's just so wrong.

Agree with this. It’s okay for everyone from different walks of life to ask these questions and not get full on hate. Otherwise we would never be allowed to complain about any hardship because somewhere out there, someone else has it much harder, and whilst there is room for gratitude in every day life, that also completely denies the human experience and feelings.

Also completely right about how tax, commuting costs, and full childcare costs suck so so much out of a good salary.

I spent a long time wondering why I worked so hard and yet my house and life looks nothing like I assumed it would - and that’s because my London salary means London prices and I was still focussing on what my parents had in those economic days and things just don’t go that far anymore. We also have to live by the City for work and therefore have zero parental or family help so every bit of childcare is paid for, on top of the extortionate housing.

Just seen OP’s also either changed her name or come off Mumsnet. That’s not really what this community is supposed to be about is it 😕

Same with me. I earn the least I ever have (I earn in a year what some on here earn in a month).

Year’s ago I was living a much more lavish lifestyle courtesy of my high earning now ex. I really don’t miss any of the luxury trappings from that chapter in my life. I don’t care about fancy handbags or expensive clothes anymore. I buy clothes when I have to rather than when I need to (bog standard high street stuff), same with shoes (usually Sketchers). I don’t have a credit card or bank loan. I am lucky that I’m mortgage free and that makes a massive difference for my mental wellbeing. It’s a huge weight lifted when you realise you don’t need or even want anymore a lot of the stuff you thought made you happy.

A lot of the people who come on here and say "we've got a 30k household income and we have 2 holidays a year and a 3 bed semi in the south east" are eother talking shite or not giving the full picture.
They are typically leaving out that:

• they receive benefit top ups which hugely boost their post tax income
• the house is a social home
• the rent is paid by UC
• They are mortgage free
• they have no children still home/no childcare costs
• they live in the "south east" but in a much cheaper/deprived area (eg jaywick is technically in the south east!!)

Go away.

Hahahaha this is such a reach. I can assure you self employed people aren’t all fiddling their income! I’m freelance, I know loads of other freelancers, many use accountants and don’t even do their own taxes so unless you think the accountancy profession is in the business of concealing the income of the UK’s sole traders this isn’t a thing. Yes, a small proportion might do it but it’s certainly not some huge conspiracy.

Personally, I earn about half of OP’s income but I feel like I’m doing incredibly well - I work 4 days a week or less and take about 2-3 months holiday per year. But I live in a one bed flat in zone 4 which some people would consider an acceptable hovel. Personally I just enjoy having a £700 a month mortgage in London so I have lots of spare money to save and do fun stuff with. I don’t want or need the ubiquitous 4-bed detached to feel like I’m doing well. I don’t have a car. When your measure of wealth and success is just material trappings and outward signs of being rich you’re limiting yourself to pursuing them at the expense of doing things that actually make life better. I could definitely afford to upsize but the thought of having less disposable income doesn’t appeal.

How did you come to that conclusion? She may very well have decided not to return to the thread which is understandable as the congenitally envious/jealous have lambasted her for even asking the question she did. She can't name change within a thread so there's that. She may have left Mumsnet but why, all she'd need to do is mute notifications.

Ahh I see, must be my misunderstanding of MN when I looked her up and it said that her did not exist. Hopefully all fine then.

Op you just realise that you earn way above national average and most people would consider you to be privileged. I think though it's the area you live. If you lived in Manchester, Birmingham, Bristol, Liverpool etc. you'd have a huge house and be living it up!

If you AS her name, her posts are still there. But nothing since 26/4, which is no surprise. Probably one of the quickest name changes in MN history!