To feel that breastfeeding is undermined?

[Olive96]

I am currently breastfeeding my son. I can’t help but feel that in an effort to reassure formula feeding families, breastfeeding is totally undermined.

for the record, I think it’s totally fine to feed babies however you want but the truth is that I chose to try extremely hard to breastfeed because of all the benefits. People will say things like ‘formula is so good now there’s basically no difference’ etc. are these statements true or just an attempt to justify (which I don’t think is necessary) FF.

I am proud of persevering with breastfeeding - even saying that I feel like I’ll get flamed, but it’s true - it did take a lot of effort and perseverance, it was hard! and I want to be able to say that and be proud of the achievement without being accused of being up myself or out of order.

I’m starting to feel flat about there being no point to it at all

I think the thing is that you can feel proud of it, but other people don't have to feel proud of you. We can say whatever we like about ways of feeding babies, and if you take it personally as an attack on you and your chosen method, that's on you.

I feel proud of my feeding journey. I was 19, utterly neglected by the midwives in the postnatal ward who pushed formula on me and then took so much time to help the older mums, but I still tried really hard. After a few days, both DD and I were utterly miserable, so we switched to formula and she thrived. Turns out she had a lip tie that no one bothered looking for until it was too late. I'm proud that I tried and proud that I recognised enough was enough.

People might read this and think "being 19 isn't an excuse", "you should have found the lip tie sooner", "you should have tried harder" - that's totally their right to feel that way, I'm not going to stop them. It also doesn't impact me because I know that you can't tell who was breastfed and who was formula fed by the time they're 5, let alone in adulthood, so 🤷‍♀️

You need to stop caring what anyone else thinks.
I don’t think a gave a second of headspace to how anyone else was feeding their children.

Why would I? It’s just odd.

Completely agree with this, in my area 60 odd % FF (or at least they did when my lo was born in 2023)

I struggled with breastfeeding due to latch issues and while midwives tried to help it was all very rough, unpleasant and borderline rude.

I did ALOT of online research and spent 4 months exclusively pumping before I worked it out myself, people comment about how hard pumping must have been yet don’t realise that it was a breeze compared to learning how to get my LO to latch.

I think a lot of it is about not shaming anyone and the message fed is best is used a lot in my area, as mums we all try our hardest so try not to let others opinions dishearten you

It probably is a learning curve. But from the outside watching someone boil a kettle, wait for it to cool, while shushing a newborn baby it looks a pure faff.

BF Is the ultimate McDonald's, fast food on tap! And fab if you can do it.
But it's far more important that Mum and Baby are happy than stressing over how a baby is fed.

It's a short time in a baby's life and a short time for Mum (and Dad) far more important things to worry about than how a baby is fed.

It’s not time consuming or complicated to use a Perfect Prep machine and microwave steriliser - no waiting with a crying baby as a bottle is ready in 90 seconds.

Perfect prep machine makes it so easy. When mine had night feeds, I had one upstairs and one downstairs to make it even easier.

We also use bottles that self sterilise in the microwave which is so quick and easy.

Batch making is also perfectly fine, WHO recommends it as the 2nd best option after making it up fresh.

It's easy! You either get into a rythmn of when baby will want a feed so prepare (so make it up and leave to cool naturally, they start fussing by the time its cooled), or by the time baby starts fussing and you've shushed them a bit, maybe with a bit of bottle left from the last feed if its not been out for too long, changed/cleaned them, washed hands etc the 30 mins has passed. make it up, cool under water or in a bowl with ice, stick in baby's mouth. All within about 7 mins.

I definitely found it no easier or harder than BFing. Probably less cluster feeding with FF but with BF it's there straightaway, so equal pros/cons to both IMO.

I don't understand why you seem to be having this conversation so much. I'd find some new friends or a hobby, get out of this microscope where everyone seems to have zero boundaries about asking these very specific, very odd questions.

I don't think anyone has asked me about BF vs FF outside of my health visitor, and I've never felt the need to use it as a topic of casual conversation.

If all you want is to have a place to talk 'positively' about it then there are loads of forums online, and groups in person you can go to. Get your yayas out there. (And by yayas I mean opinions, not your boobs, although that's fine to do). I respectfully suggest that AIBU isn't the forum for that, it perhaps is better for when you want to, say, start a controversial conversation under the guise of 'innocently wondering'.

OP I agree with you. I have definitely experienced some of what you describe, and some of the replies here are so dismissive.

When I had my twins, I naively assumed that breastfeeding would come naturally. I was shocked at how hard it was at the start and really struggled when the cluster feeding hit. I came to mumsnet for help, and whilst there was some useful information, I read so many breastfeeding threads where posters would comment saying to just give up, you will only properly enjoy your baby once you start FF. You will only get sleep/ time by yourself if you FF. Which made me doubt I was doing the right thing. I even had a Doctor asked me if I was breastfeeding because I liked a challenge.

In the end, with alot of my own research. I managed to keep going and it became so much easier, and looking back some many of the challenges I faced were a normal part of BF, but I didn't know that because I had never discussed or had a conversation about it. I didn't know what normal was. Because I had no experience of anyone else going through it. Which is why it makes me so sad to see people on here say you you shouldn't talk about, you must have been lucky etc. Woman are just expected to quietly get on with breastfeeding and we wonder why so many struggle when you aren't allowed to talk about it incase you offend others. I have no doubt there is there is judgement and pressure from both sides. But when people say there is pressure to FF it seem people dismiss it far easier.

I used to get asked how I fed them, when I said breastfed, quite often they they feel the need to explain why they chose to FF instead and why it was better, when I haven't asked. I don't care if anyone chooses to FF. I assume everyone had made the right choice for them based on the individual circumstances they have faced and I have no doubt that I too would be FF if I had faced some of the challenges described in this thread. But someone having a positive experience with something shouldn't be taken as judgement or smugness.

Have you ever considered that other mothers might be upset that you are able to breastfeed? It's not right but I wonder if some of the stranger/negative comments you get are because there is so much pressure on mum's to breastfeed that when they can't there's a lot of shame. Rather than being able to talk about the shame, it comes out in this way?
I think the best thing we could do for all mums is to say fed is best, ideally that's going to be breastfeeding and we should have more resources for mums so that they can get help if this is difficult and where not possible, there's no shame in bottle feeding.

Absolutely agree with this. Any baby groups I went to everyone just whipped out their boobs or bottles and talked about anything but babies. We were all desperate just to have normal adult conversations. Especially by 6 months, everyone was very much over it.

But you said you would LOVE to talk freely about it like a pp who talked about her struggles with breastfeeding even though she is posting on an anonymous forum too? 🫤
anyway regardless no one ACTUALLY cares about how u feed your baby regardless of what you might think

This. I never understand people making out FF is some sort of complicated, ardous task. The making up every bottle fresh is guidance, not law and most people are sensible enough to weigh up the risks themselves when deciding to follow it.

No one I know does this in real life. We all used perfect prep which literally takes minutes or pre makes them in and stores in the fridge which the NHS say is still acceptable. As for sterilising, I used a cold water sterliser. Washed the bottle, rinsed and then dumped in the cold water and took out when needed. Washing a few bottles literally only added seconds on to my washing up anyway.

Of course breastfeeding is more convenient, I'm not denying that. But this idea that formula feeding is a long winded, complicated, time consuming task just doesn't stack up to the reality that I experienced or anyone else.

OP, this entire thread proves your point. It is impossible to even mention breastfeeding without being called smug or superior.

and as for people snidely saying you must live somewhere weird or move in the wrong circles, a) how is that a you problem? And b) I have the same experience.

in my experience, I preferred the breastfeeding groups than the general baby groups NOT because we were all “smug BF mummies” congratulating ourselves but because it was a space where I did not constantly have to defend myself for breastfeeding!

your question is: AIBU to feel breastfeeding is undermined. YANBU because it IS undermined. By greedy formula companies and by society. You’re not imagining it. Saying this does not discount any upset or grief felt by those who wanted to BF but were not able to, and it does not cast judgement on anyone who chooses to use formula. If they feel judged by our choices, so be it.

Totally agree & a huge amount of the responses on this thread exemplify this.

I'm shocked to be honest how many women have tried to shut down the OP

People who are genuinely happy and confident in their choices don't usually get too bothered by people's questions, or the lack of an audience to accommodate their 'positive' answers.

The problem is that people who tend to partake in these conversations are either people who are very pleased with themselves for breastfeeding and would like some recognition for their 'hard work', and those who are struggling. So you are always going to get an inflamed discussion as emotions are involved on both sides.

Those in the middle who actually don't mind how each person feeds their baby - usually are just happily getting on with it and don't feel the need to join in.

Honestly, it's quite nice to hear there is some balance here instead of every new family being told bf is the best and that it's crucial you do bf.

The benefits are very minor and short term, in a country with access to clean water and formula, so in the long run it's not relevant how you feed your baby as long as they receive adequate calories of either breast or formula milk.

I wouldn't pay any attention, the way you feed your baby has to be what works best for you and your baby. If that's breast, great, crack on. If not, great, crack on. Baby will do just as well either way so choose what makes most sense for you and your family.

I find it a bit sad that you find the efforts to normalise formula feeding undermining to your own choices around feeding your baby. It really doesn't matter in the grand scheme.

I find in life you get back what you give out. Maybe the OP can look at what she’s bringing to the table as I don’t believe for a second that she’s constantly facing a barrage of questions and “but whyyyy?” from random people every time she breastfeeds her 6 month old for no reason whatsoever. Some people so want something to be a big deal that they make it so.

Well then, I live somewhere weird too. 6-9 months was the worst for it because you’re still feeding in public quite a lot or at baby groups etc. once we got to 12 months+ I was only feeding morning and night so was relieved that no one felt the need to comment any more. Good for you for not living somewhere “seriously weird”.

I was being sarcastic. I think the OP likely brings a lot of this drama on herself judging by her posts.

I hear you. Many years ago I couldn’t breast feed my baby and was devastated. A very wise women said to me ‘don’t cry, in a few months time you won’t give a shit!’. And you know what? She was right! My baby was healthy and happy and had a fantastic immune system. She was the one who never caught a thing at nursery. So from where I’m sitting fed was best.

Sometime the decision to breastfeed is taken out of your hands. Just know that you are doing your best and that’s all your baby needs. Big hugs to you, it’s hard 💐

Apologies, I meant to quote @thatbusypanda

I was very happy in my choices but like the OP felt like I was in a trap when my choice was constantly questioned. And it’s not “a conversation about feeding” it’s when you feed the baby and everyone does the side eye and someone says you’re not still feeding him are you? Are you not going to stop? And you’re basically made to feel
like a massive freak. We’re allowed to feel upset at a feeling of social shunning due to our feeding choices.

what I take from this thread is that formula feeding mothers are allowed to feel annoyed at promotion of breastfeeding; but breast feeding mothers are not allowed to feel annoyed by social disapproval.

I totally agree OP! ebf my year old, since weaning to food and now a bit of cows milk I do feel more freedom, but we continue to nurse about four times a day and through the night! I am soo proud!! I don’t care how others feed their babies but we are allowed to be proud of breastfeeding. I have had ‘friends’ turn round and say ‘oh my god is he still on the boob?’ Like it was more unnatural than her giving her baby formula? The judgement is always there from some people. Breast milk has amazing nutrients, whether it matters in the long run health wise im not fussed, as I enjoy this time with baby.

I disagree. Her experience matches mine. She is allowed to express upset about her experience. Her error was in doing it in on mumsnet instead of a supportive space like a breastfeeding group.