To feel that breastfeeding is undermined?

[Olive96]

I am currently breastfeeding my son. I can’t help but feel that in an effort to reassure formula feeding families, breastfeeding is totally undermined.

for the record, I think it’s totally fine to feed babies however you want but the truth is that I chose to try extremely hard to breastfeed because of all the benefits. People will say things like ‘formula is so good now there’s basically no difference’ etc. are these statements true or just an attempt to justify (which I don’t think is necessary) FF.

I am proud of persevering with breastfeeding - even saying that I feel like I’ll get flamed, but it’s true - it did take a lot of effort and perseverance, it was hard! and I want to be able to say that and be proud of the achievement without being accused of being up myself or out of order.

I’m starting to feel flat about there being no point to it at all

That’s not the truth though, lots of people care how you feed your babies which is why there are constant debates about it. Why they care, I don’t know.

They don’t care. Some people feel superior and others feel inferior about their own feeding choices. Those are the only people who want to ‘debate’ the issue regardless of what they hide behind.

I have also have already admitted to using stupid woe is me wording at 5am 😂

One of your questions was is formula just as good as breastmilk and the simple answer is no as breastmilk is tailored to your baby, to how hot it is (its why you don't need to give bf babies water when it's hot). But that doesn't mean formula is bad far from it, it sustains babies allows them to thrieve and is a alternative.

Yes bf is tough to establish but it's way easier in the middle of the night or going on a plane trip and making sure you have enough sterilised bottles and you can get our the door easier as the food is literally attached to your body!

I don't know what it is about having children which means people feel the need to judge give unsolicited advice etc. But you need to learn to just smile go oh right this works for us but you do you etc and change the subject.

It'll it's not bf it's weaning, if it's not weaning it's childcare, after childcare it's activities etc etc it never stops so best practice now how to change the subject and not get your emotions triggered because its relentless.

I have read all your posts. You feel BF is being 'undermined' by people saying FF is 'just as good'. You clearly feel BF is the optimum choice, and really dont need to look very far to find a lot of material that will affirm that for you. Women have recieved very strong messaging of this for at least 30 years now, alongside quite a lot of shaming of those who didnt/couldn't BF. You made that choice to do so, and can be pleased with yourself for that. Meanwhile, women who FF can be reassured that that is OK too.

The trouble is, other women can have put in just as much if not more effort than you, and it hasn’t worked. Or only partially. Breastfeeding success is often about luck, such as having a relatively straightforward birth and no other medical problems, rather than effort.

I had other women say similar things to me. One even told me she loved her baby so had tried really hard to make BFing work, whilst watching me combi-feed at a BFing support group. It was like she thought I didn’t love my baby as much? The reality was formula saved my baby’s life when my milk failed to come in for reasons I could do nothing about.

As a BF mum I agree with this. I tried everything to continue BF my first baby, her latch was awful, my supply was low and nothing I seemed to do would work even with lots of support, so at 3 month old I stopped. If people asked if I breastfed I felt like I had to say no, but go onto explain WHY I didn’t because I felt ashamed and didn’t want people to know I chose to ff without a reason (stupid I know)
I then became a formula feeding mum who got triggered by people being positive about breastfeeding as I saw it as a dig. You didn’t work harder, it just worked for your baby/body.

My 2nd baby is still BF at 9 months, latch perfect, supply great. There’s lots of barriers that get in the way of breastfeeding and it can be so hard, some people do have an easier ride with it and I find those who find it easy can never understand the struggles others go through

I’m just saying - you haven’t read all my posts 😂 in fact I’m not convinced you’ve read beyond the OP!

Tbf, with how much people exaggerate on MN threads over the 'faff' and confusion of having to FF it could seem FF really is actually more of an achievement if you believe those posters, practically anyway 😬

I don't believe this btw, I just find the conflicting views interesting - BF is an achievement, but it's also very convenient and easy once established and out the earky days, whereas FF always takes ages, is a faff, costly, people often suggest making it up is the most confusing task ever etc.

It's almost like everyone can twist a narrative to support their viewpoint over this never ending debate!

People have read your posts, it’s just that they can see through them.

When you say you found it 'difficult' for a couple of weeks what do you mean? Do you mean you didn't get it quite right and it wasn't as quick and easy as you'd been led to believe? Or do you mean your baby was literally starving for 2 weeks because it wasn't working?

I think people who are unable to breastfeed definitely do tend to roll their eyes when people like OP say they're so 'proud' they managed to breastfeed. That's great for you, but keep it to yourself, nobody gets a medal and it's certainly not something to centre your self worth on, or deplete that of others.

And there's quite a lot of research that suggests the benefits of breastfeeding have been somewhat overstated.

theres nothing to see through - it’s a conversation. If you think I have an ulterior motive, don’t egage?!

I genuinely wanted to avoid formula feeding if I could because I’m lazy and the thought of sterilising bottles, making up the formula constantly, taking bottles out and about, and having to be so organised sounded like a nightmare to me. I accepted that I might need to if breastfeeding didn’t work out, but I was keen to avoid it out of sheer laziness.

FF does seem like a complete faff.

Especially with the guidance that every bottle has to be made up fresh, not like the way your Mother and Granny did it doing a batch in the morning and bunging them in the fridge. Heating them up in the pryex jug with boiled water.

You know fridges must be the only things that time hasn't improved. Why are 2020 fridges not as reliable as those of the 1960s and 70s?

It feels like such a massive thing when you have a newborn but honestly, once they’re older you can’t tell which kids were breastfed and which weren’t - just do what works for you and don’t worry about what other people think.

I think it’s even more important to engage when there’s an ulterior motive.

Does it matter what others think? You feed your baby how you want as long as baby is fed. No one gets a medal for breastfeeding it just done

That's what did it for me. I was really surprised at the amount of care needed to make a bottle and the risks. Sounds daft but I didn't really spend time around babies before having mine and thought that it was just like using gravy granules. I had no idea that the powder could contain deadly bacteria. It scared me off.

"And there's quite a lot of research that suggests the benefits of breastfeeding have been somewhat overstated."

True for me!

DC1 who was FF is hardly ever ill
DC2 who I BF picks up every single bug.

Same for me and DP - he was BF, picks up everything. I was FF and touch wood, along with DC1, we manage to dodge most illnesses that are brought in the house.

Every time noro does the rounds me and DC1 just crack on feeling great while DP and DC2 take turns chucking their rings up 😬

Fuming i honestly thought having DC2 hanging off my tits for 2 years would be beneficial apart from the £ saving, nope. 🤣🤣

OP, I would really try to remove yourself from the apparent need to be externally validated and celebrated. If you think mother's who formula feed aren't also undermined, then you don't have your eyes and ears open every wide.

This will never stop – ever – you will be subject to the same feeling of being undermined with nursery care/staying at home, nutritional choices, frequency of bathing them, sleep training, transitioning out of a cot, potty training, screen time, discipline methods, wraparound care choices ...

Do you see where I'm going with this? Have confidence and self-validation in your own choices, and leave it there. Society isn't going to do it for you.

It's a bit of a faff the first few bottles, like BF is the first few weeks, but once you get the hang of it its no faff whatsoever, or wasn't to me anyway. Main thing for me that was annoying was the cost 😩

Like I say it's only really on here I've seen people make out it's an utter calamity and people say the (very clear) instructions are confusing. If people managed to work out how to get to the shop to buy it then working out how to make up a FF shouldn't be hard at all. It's just made out to be a faff by some, for some reason.

I think when you consider infant feeding holistically, and as an experience involving two parties in a dyad rather than just focussing on the outcomes for the baby, comparing nutritional values or population-level advantages, it takes a lot of the heat out of this debate.

I breastfed both my babies, and it was not easy for me either time. But it was very important TO ME, and I believe worth the effort. My youngest just gave up her last little bedtime feed aged four, and while it was the right time for us both I will always have very tender memories of feeding her and her sister. I think it has given us so much, not nutritionally but emotionally and relationally - giving both them and me a feeling that I was there for them and that I could meet their needs which is the bedrock of our relationship. I think them being girls as well, it has given them intimate acquaintance with an adult female body and its functions, an understanding of breasts as a normal body part rather than a sexualised shibboleth, which will hopefully help them adapt to their own development when it comes (the same reason I have been open with them from an early age about my menstrual cycle and products). None of these things can be measured or compared or contrasted; none of them are exclusively possible with breastfeeding; but the breastfeeding relationship felt like a natural and beautiful way of developing these things FOR US.

For women who hate breastfeeding, who feel pressured into doing it and keeping going with it, none of these benefits will be possible within the breastfeeding relationship. They may even be damaged or obstructed by it.

I would never get into an argument with another woman about whether bf or ff is 'better', for baby or for mother. It is highly individual for each dyad and that is the only thing that should factor into whether to breastfeed or not, not aggregate data.

But I do feel like breastfeeding is totally dismissed and undermined by people saying things like 'fed is best' and 'the benefits are overstated' etc etc. A lot of the time people say this to women who are struggling to breastfeed kindly, to 'let them off the hook' they are imagined to be on. But when people said it to me, I felt like the enormous effort I was going to, which was valuable to me and to my babies, was being utterly devalued.

Mothers, and their supporters and advisors, should drop the comparisons and data tables and just look at themselves and their baby, their dyad, and decide what is best holistically for them. It may be breastfeeding, or formula feeding, or mixed feeding, or pumping. But it should NEVER be a question of comparing lists of ingredients and trying to make a decision based on that one metric alone.

Well that would be a silly thing to argue about, wouldn't it, given I'm the only one of the two of us who knows for certain! Anyhow, the point of your thread is to invite opinion on whether BF is being 'undermined'. I disagree that it is. All the expert and official material out there on the subject remains consistent, and you know what that says as well as I do. Other women reassuring each other about FF in light of that takes nothing away from those who BF.

I haven’t read the full thread but I voted that YABU on the basis that I haven’t experienced any of this and I don’t feel like the benefits of BF are undermined. I was shocked actually at how much BF is pushed. At my NHS antenatal classes it was very much BF is best, to the extent that we were told flat out lies about the extent to which it can prevent or deter certain cancers. (I didn’t realise it was a lie until I got home and looked it up myself).

I breastfed DD until she was 17 months and only stopped because I was pregnant again and didn’t like the idea of tandem feeding. It wasn’t easy in the beginning but I persevered because I genuinely thought it would be most convenient for our family, more affordable and more beneficial for DD.

I did get some comments about why I was still breastfeeding (mainly from my mother) and I just asked “why would I stop if it’s working for us?”

I was proud of it, especially those first 6 months where her growth and development was fully sustained by my body alone. It’s ok to feel pride!

If someone told me FF was “just as good” I’d just flat out disagree. It may be that FF is the better choice for some families and babies in their circumstances, but it is factually incorrect that formula milk is as beneficial as breast milk. There shouldn’t be judgment either way. I would never expect anyone to justify their choice. Everyone is making the best decisions they can for their family.