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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To feel that breastfeeding is undermined?

443 replies

Olive96 · 28/04/2025 05:12

I am currently breastfeeding my son. I can’t help but feel that in an effort to reassure formula feeding families, breastfeeding is totally undermined.

for the record, I think it’s totally fine to feed babies however you want but the truth is that I chose to try extremely hard to breastfeed because of all the benefits. People will say things like ‘formula is so good now there’s basically no difference’ etc. are these statements true or just an attempt to justify (which I don’t think is necessary) FF.

I am proud of persevering with breastfeeding - even saying that I feel like I’ll get flamed, but it’s true - it did take a lot of effort and perseverance, it was hard! and I want to be able to say that and be proud of the achievement without being accused of being up myself or out of order.

I’m starting to feel flat about there being no point to it at all

OP posts:
TwoBoyMamma · 28/04/2025 12:40

I personally think people wanted it to be a normal thing like in public and now people want how it’s great to be screamed about from the roof tops . Fed is best

Googlyeyed · 28/04/2025 12:40

queenmeadhbh · 28/04/2025 12:35

I was very happy in my choices but like the OP felt like I was in a trap when my choice was constantly questioned. And it’s not “a conversation about feeding” it’s when you feed the baby and everyone does the side eye and someone says you’re not still feeding him are you? Are you not going to stop? And you’re basically made to feel
like a massive freak. We’re allowed to feel upset at a feeling of social shunning due to our feeding choices.

what I take from this thread is that formula feeding mothers are allowed to feel annoyed at promotion of breastfeeding; but breast feeding mothers are not allowed to feel annoyed by social disapproval.

Why do you care so much? If you were truly happy you'd just let the comments roll off you. Just get on with it!

Squashedbanaynay · 28/04/2025 12:42

queenmeadhbh · 28/04/2025 12:37

I disagree. Her experience matches mine. She is allowed to express upset about her experience. Her error was in doing it in on mumsnet instead of a supportive space like a breastfeeding group.

Why the drama? Why the need to segregate and keep away from formula feeding mums? It’s a lot of nonsense. There will always be some bloody thing: baby led weaning, cloth nappies, rear facing or forward facing car seats, stay at home mum vs nursery, nursery vs childminder, schooling, sports… it goes on and on. Can’t think of anything more mundane than discussing breastfeeding with random people. The OP would do well to just shrug it off and get on with her life.

Googlyeyed · 28/04/2025 12:51

queenmeadhbh · 28/04/2025 12:37

I disagree. Her experience matches mine. She is allowed to express upset about her experience. Her error was in doing it in on mumsnet instead of a supportive space like a breastfeeding group.

It wasn't an error. She knew exactly what she was doing.

ThatMrsM · 28/04/2025 13:18

Wow I'm sorry you've experienced so many comments about the way you feed your baby. I wouldn't dream of asking someone why are they still breastfeeding and I'm pretty sure I've never been asked (breastfed DD for nearly 2 years). But the honest reason I continued breastfeeding was to keep my daughter alive (she wouldn't take any bottle or cup despite trying several different types) and to get her to sleep (she wouldn't take a dummy or be settled in any other way for the first 12 months).

I think it's fine to answer their questions honestly, I'm not sure why anyone would ask why you're still breastfeeding if they are not prepared to discuss it.

TreeStove · 28/04/2025 13:28

Surferosa · 28/04/2025 12:17

This. I never understand people making out FF is some sort of complicated, ardous task. The making up every bottle fresh is guidance, not law and most people are sensible enough to weigh up the risks themselves when deciding to follow it.

No one I know does this in real life. We all used perfect prep which literally takes minutes or pre makes them in and stores in the fridge which the NHS say is still acceptable. As for sterilising, I used a cold water sterliser. Washed the bottle, rinsed and then dumped in the cold water and took out when needed. Washing a few bottles literally only added seconds on to my washing up anyway.

Of course breastfeeding is more convenient, I'm not denying that. But this idea that formula feeding is a long winded, complicated, time consuming task just doesn't stack up to the reality that I experienced or anyone else.

Agreed. We used cold tap water to make up the bottles - this is the guidance in the US, for example. We weighed up the risk that the formula would contain salmonella, rated it to be close to zero, and carried on quickly and easily. I don't panic that there might be salmonella in every tin of beans, for example.

I did find that a lot of the fearmongering was about absolutely tiny risks, and was largely pedalled by the pro-breastfeeding lobby.

Howspieduh · 28/04/2025 13:29

Yes, I agree. It's a shame that so many disagree. But these are the people who do undermine it, for whatever reason (I can hazard a guess as to why..). Doubt the majority who disagree with you breastfed.

It was so painful and hard at the beginning of BF my son. And of course it's all one sided - the sleepless nights (other than dad helping with changes), then having to carry on in the day, cluster feeding, sore and cracked nipples, engorgement. I breastfed my son for nearly 3 years.

To read that BF has no additional benefits to FF, it's frustrating (and false). It could be coincidence but I don't think so - my son has only had mild colds so far. No allergies, no illnesses. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule, as with anything.

And the closeness we had whilst BF, me being the only one to comfort him in this way, nothing compares to it, in my opinion. I feel empathy for those mothers who try so hard to BF (my sister did) but it doesn't work out. Sometimes FF is the best thing for a mother and baby.

TheIceBear · 28/04/2025 13:31

Howspieduh · 28/04/2025 13:29

Yes, I agree. It's a shame that so many disagree. But these are the people who do undermine it, for whatever reason (I can hazard a guess as to why..). Doubt the majority who disagree with you breastfed.

It was so painful and hard at the beginning of BF my son. And of course it's all one sided - the sleepless nights (other than dad helping with changes), then having to carry on in the day, cluster feeding, sore and cracked nipples, engorgement. I breastfed my son for nearly 3 years.

To read that BF has no additional benefits to FF, it's frustrating (and false). It could be coincidence but I don't think so - my son has only had mild colds so far. No allergies, no illnesses. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule, as with anything.

And the closeness we had whilst BF, me being the only one to comfort him in this way, nothing compares to it, in my opinion. I feel empathy for those mothers who try so hard to BF (my sister did) but it doesn't work out. Sometimes FF is the best thing for a mother and baby.

I breastfed and completely disagree with the op. Several people who disagree with her have stated they breastfed.

Parker231 · 28/04/2025 13:35

Howspieduh · 28/04/2025 13:29

Yes, I agree. It's a shame that so many disagree. But these are the people who do undermine it, for whatever reason (I can hazard a guess as to why..). Doubt the majority who disagree with you breastfed.

It was so painful and hard at the beginning of BF my son. And of course it's all one sided - the sleepless nights (other than dad helping with changes), then having to carry on in the day, cluster feeding, sore and cracked nipples, engorgement. I breastfed my son for nearly 3 years.

To read that BF has no additional benefits to FF, it's frustrating (and false). It could be coincidence but I don't think so - my son has only had mild colds so far. No allergies, no illnesses. Of course there are always exceptions to the rule, as with anything.

And the closeness we had whilst BF, me being the only one to comfort him in this way, nothing compares to it, in my opinion. I feel empathy for those mothers who try so hard to BF (my sister did) but it doesn't work out. Sometimes FF is the best thing for a mother and baby.

My DC’s only had formula and none of the illnesses or allergies formula fed babies are meant to get. The bond between us couldn’t be stronger and for us a huge advantage was DH feeding them as well and developed an equally strong bond.

TreeStove · 28/04/2025 13:47

I do understand what you mean, OP, but from the other perspective - I found FFing so easy - I was sleeping, sharing nights with my husband, no sore boobs, etc., and I didn't want to say to my BFing friends how easy I was finding the newborn stage. They all seemed completely miserable!

queenmeadhbh · 28/04/2025 13:53

Googlyeyed · 28/04/2025 12:40

Why do you care so much? If you were truly happy you'd just let the comments roll off you. Just get on with it!

Why do the other people on this thread who are very upset at promotion of breastfeeding care? Do you think if I replied to someone saying they felt shamed for formula feeding by saying “why do you care? Toughen up.” that would be well received ?

queenmeadhbh · 28/04/2025 13:57

Squashedbanaynay · 28/04/2025 12:42

Why the drama? Why the need to segregate and keep away from formula feeding mums? It’s a lot of nonsense. There will always be some bloody thing: baby led weaning, cloth nappies, rear facing or forward facing car seats, stay at home mum vs nursery, nursery vs childminder, schooling, sports… it goes on and on. Can’t think of anything more mundane than discussing breastfeeding with random people. The OP would do well to just shrug it off and get on with her life.

so we shouldn’t talk amongst mothers and ask for advice and experiences about all of these parenting decisions because it’s “drama”? You think we should all just decide ourselves, say nothing about it, and resolutely refuse to answer any questions?!

i find that really bizarre and anti-community.

your inflammatory remark about “segregation” is noted; it is course not about segregation but about spaces where people feel comfortable asking for help or expressing their emotions and experiences without the brutalists shouting “THIS IS MUNDANE NO ONE CARES GET BACK IN YOUR BOX”.

TheIceBear · 28/04/2025 13:57

queenmeadhbh · 28/04/2025 13:53

Why do the other people on this thread who are very upset at promotion of breastfeeding care? Do you think if I replied to someone saying they felt shamed for formula feeding by saying “why do you care? Toughen up.” that would be well received ?

It’s different because from the moment a woman gets pregnant the message of breast is best is drummed into you by health care professionals over and over again. Formula is almost like a dirty word. I think it’s the smugness of some breast feeders that annoys people not the promotion of feeding.

BoredZelda · 28/04/2025 14:00

There are lots of reasons why breastfeeding isn’t good for some people. There are lots of reasons why breastfeeding is for good some people.

Whatever your reasons for how you choose to feed your child, they are your reasons. Anything you read which supports one or the other, but which doesn’t chime with your reasons is not meant for you.

If you see advice given for people who are different to you, do you fret over it or do you disregard it?

Nobody is undermining anyone, they are providing support for other people.

queenmeadhbh · 28/04/2025 14:02

TheIceBear · 28/04/2025 13:57

It’s different because from the moment a woman gets pregnant the message of breast is best is drummed into you by health care professionals over and over again. Formula is almost like a dirty word. I think it’s the smugness of some breast feeders that annoys people not the promotion of feeding.

but once the baby is a bit older, breastfeeding is the dirty word. That’s the OPs point. And that we get accused of smugness merely by breastfeeding.

OrangeSlices998 · 28/04/2025 14:04

I think what pisses me off as someone who hasn’t had easy breastfeeding journeys is that there’s a smugness from people who reach their goals that they just worked hard or persevered through the challenges and that’s why they were successful. As though there isn’t an element of luck! A baby without a tongue tie, good support, good supply, a baby who can feed well, a supportive partner, etc etc. I don’t expect anyone to deny the benefits of BF or to not be proud of themselves and celebrate their achievement - it would be nice occasionally for people to acknowledge their luck and that lots of us also worked incredibly hard AND didn’t get to where we wanted to.

TheIceBear · 28/04/2025 14:06

@queenmeadhbh why does it bother you then when you are so assured by your choices and it is backed up by healthcare professionals ? That’s what I don’t get. Plus I don’t know anyone who would care that much in real life to say it to someone. No one who was using formula said a word to me when I was breastfeeding and if they did I’d have ignored them. I got more comments about when I decided to wean to be honest. I think some people just love to comment when it comes to parenting babies.

queenmeadhbh · 28/04/2025 14:44

TheIceBear · 28/04/2025 14:06

@queenmeadhbh why does it bother you then when you are so assured by your choices and it is backed up by healthcare professionals ? That’s what I don’t get. Plus I don’t know anyone who would care that much in real life to say it to someone. No one who was using formula said a word to me when I was breastfeeding and if they did I’d have ignored them. I got more comments about when I decided to wean to be honest. I think some people just love to comment when it comes to parenting babies.

Edited

I didn’t like being made to feel like a weirdo. Not enough to lose any sleep or make a thread but enough to agree with the OP and support her when people are telling her the problem is her, when I agree that the problem is society.

Nottodaythankyou123 · 28/04/2025 15:35

Feeling proud that you’ve preserved and managed it when actually in this country the odds are stacked against you, isn’t undermining or attempting to upset parents who ff.

At the end of the day, there shouldn’t be any guilt regardless of how you feed your baby, but for most mums who bf it does require hard work and perseverance at the beginning (not that that guarantees a successful outcome) so you should be allowed to feel proud of that.

Basically, nobody should feel guilty but you should feel proud without being accused of boasting (unless obviously you are boasting)

Squashedbanaynay · 28/04/2025 16:06

queenmeadhbh · 28/04/2025 13:57

so we shouldn’t talk amongst mothers and ask for advice and experiences about all of these parenting decisions because it’s “drama”? You think we should all just decide ourselves, say nothing about it, and resolutely refuse to answer any questions?!

i find that really bizarre and anti-community.

your inflammatory remark about “segregation” is noted; it is course not about segregation but about spaces where people feel comfortable asking for help or expressing their emotions and experiences without the brutalists shouting “THIS IS MUNDANE NO ONE CARES GET BACK IN YOUR BOX”.

You’re off on a wild one there. She can talk away all she likes but clearly her talking is riling up other mothers who feel sensitive about formula feeding. Most women know how to navigate that sensibly. We all know the deal with formula vs breastmilk and that it can be a loaded conversation. OP is painting the picture that she is demurely breastfeeding her child, minding her own business and is picked apart again and again by formula feeding mothers judging her. I just don’t buy it. If 6 out of 10 (apparently) of your interactions with other people are negative, there might be a common denominator there, and I doubt it’s the sight of OP breastfeeding a 6 month old.

I breastfed until my child self-weaned at 2 years old. I was able to navigate, and continue to navigate, conversations about all sorts of aspects of parenting without it becoming such a big deal. In her OP she even faux naively asks if formula really is as good as breastmilk for baby. Uh-huh… I’m not buying her intentions on this thread.

There’s a zombie thread that’s been resurrected at the moment full of people banging away about how dreadful it is to turn their child forward facing in their pram. Psychologically damaging apparently. Mothers lose their absolute minds about all sorts of single issue bullshit when it comes to raising children. OP is currently overly focussed on breastfeeding and it’s affecting her social interaction with other mothers. I’m guessing she’ll move on to something else when the breastfeeding is over and her child is just like all the rest anyway.

Hellosaidfred · 28/04/2025 16:15

As a mum who formula fed from 9 weeks old I can understand some of the points you are trying to make and how you’re feeling.

Our son was born poorly and had poor oral motor skills meaning it was extremely difficult for him to breastfeed and even bottle feed, we were in NICU for a little while and when he was home I struggled so much trying to get him to latch. He hated boob and bottle wasn’t much better but he was getting a bit of milk in him. He had breast aversion from 6-7 weeks and mild bottle aversion until 5 months. Basically, even the feeding professionals that tried to help agreed he just wouldn’t latch, or want too. I tried pumping them 9 weeks too and my supply dwindled (probably due to stress to be honest)

Anyway I moved to exclusively formula from 9 weeks and that was best for me and baby to be honest.

But I do feel like we need to remember the facts that breastmilk IS nutritionally better for the baby. And as someone who tried their hardest to BF and pump, SO MANY people basically tried to undermine my efforts and just told me to switch over to FF, you hear the “you won’t know which kid was breastfed vs formula fed” which yeah ok that’s true I couldn’t, but it just makes you feel sad and like giving up.

The reality and bottom line is - either way you’re going to get judged, it’s unfortunately the joys of being a parent. Someone is going to think you’re doing it wrong. No one really cares how you feed even if they act like they do, no one is going to tell you how brilliant you are or hand you a gold star for breastfeeding. It’s an internal achievement for yourself.

godsmessage · 28/04/2025 16:20

Thatfirstcoffee · 28/04/2025 06:51

You’re weaning now op or about to

and still all these people are wanting to talk about breast-feeding or formula feeding

bloody. Hell. Really? 🤔

You’d be surprised- I honestly think whether people are interested in whether you breastfed/bottle fed or are continuing to do so past weaning age depends on the people you know, what feeding method is most predominant in your area, etc etc.

I breastfed initially, switched to formula at about 3 weeks, and then ended up relactating later on for various reasons. My experience is that you get judgement and opinions on what you’re doing regardless of feeding method, and it continues as long as your baby is at the age where they’re still taking some milk. Experiences of my friends from different areas seem to vary from mine, so I assume it partly comes down to whether what you’re doing is the ‘norm’ for where you live.

Where I was, the ‘norm’ (certainly amongst my friends with babies) was to try breastfeeding at first, with most giving up by about six weeks, and hardly anyone BFing past 6 months. So, very little judgement when I switched to formula from other mums (because they’d almost all done the same) but quite a bit from older generations. When I then started BFing again I didn’t really experience judgement for it, but I got the impression that some of my friends thought I might start judging them FF (for example, justifying to me why they were unable to BF when they saw me feeding DS). I felt awful that they felt that simply because I was breastfeeding in front of them and they were FF, that I would have any opinion on their choices- I absolutely did not care one way or another. I figured that we were all making parenting choices in a society where we almost expect judgement from others and they were maybe trying to get in there first to fend it off, which I totally understand.

However, once my baby was sitting up and starting finger foods, I noticed a real shift towards ‘when are you going to stop breastfeeding.’ I got people I didn’t even know too well telling me that it was downright weird to BF past six months and even sensed a really unpleasant undercurrent that people felt it was a bit deviant. A family member who is a staunch BF advocate for small babies (and I have heard making judgemental comments about FFing newborns/very small babies) actually told me that my son would grow up with a fetish if I BF him past six months or so. So, according to them, it was practically morally imperative to BF for six months, at which point it suddenly became disgusting and unacceptable. It was interesting (and really unpleasant) to hear the SAME person shaming both BFing and FFing, depending on whether it fitted their very narrow parameters of what was ok. So really, women can’t win.

Sorry, this is probably a garbled response, but essentially I feel like infant feeding is something that people feel like they are entitled to voice an opinion on when they wouldn’t comment on other private decisions that people make, and I think it’s rooted in misogyny. Even worse, far too many people seem to have wildly opposing views about what does and does not constitute an acceptable feeding routine, whether or not they have any actual experience of feeding an infant. Raising a baby in an environment where you feel like there’s always someone who is going to vehemently disagree with your feeding choices, and even voice it directly to you, is extremely stressful, and none of us can escape it, whether we FF or BF. So it’s hardly surprising that you get FFing and BFing mothers saying they get judged- I think both groups are reporting their experiences accurately and it wouldn’t hurt to look at the harm that society does to all mothers instead of arguing about it between ourselves.

Squashedbanaynay · 28/04/2025 16:34

TheIceBear · 28/04/2025 13:31

I breastfed and completely disagree with the op. Several people who disagree with her have stated they breastfed.

Absolutely. To be honest all the breastfeeding mothers I know have been of the “whip out a boob and don’t give a damn” sort. You have to own your decisions as a parent and stick up for yourself.

Googlyeyed · 28/04/2025 16:42

queenmeadhbh · 28/04/2025 13:53

Why do the other people on this thread who are very upset at promotion of breastfeeding care? Do you think if I replied to someone saying they felt shamed for formula feeding by saying “why do you care? Toughen up.” that would be well received ?

If someone was feeling uncertain about their choices of course it would be wrong to reply like that. But OP has been very clear that she's very confident and happy she's doing the right thing - proud even to have overcome so much adversity. So the terrible upset she's experiencing seems a bit... put on.

She doesn't want to 'promote breastfeeding care', she wants a gold star.

Olive96 · 28/04/2025 16:46

Googlyeyed · 28/04/2025 16:42

If someone was feeling uncertain about their choices of course it would be wrong to reply like that. But OP has been very clear that she's very confident and happy she's doing the right thing - proud even to have overcome so much adversity. So the terrible upset she's experiencing seems a bit... put on.

She doesn't want to 'promote breastfeeding care', she wants a gold star.

This is soooo rude. If you can’t be nice and all that. I don’t want a good star at all.

thank you to everyone that has taken the time to reply kindly - even if you disagree there is a way to say that without denying someone’s lived experience and without being extremely rude.

this thread has blown up a bit and I’m personally going to leave now, but I’m so grateful to those who have shared similar experiences and advice on how to navigate that - it’s exactly what I was looking for ☺️

OP posts: