Daughter - Nipple piercings , no bra and tight top

[Lardychops]

My daughter is a star. A cracker. Love her to pieces and have a great relationship.
She is 27 nearly 28 and a mum of three lovely boys.
As a teen she missed the whole social media, influencer malarky and as a young teen single mum ( before she later married and had two more kids) was mainly focused on baby, college, friends, going out if opportunity presented and getting by as one does.
Since my daughter’s marriage has broken down and she is now enjoying the bittersweet EOW freedom it brings she has dipped her toe in OLD- fair play - enjoys social media appears to have discovered ‘hotness’. By which I mean someone who previously traded on and enjoyed natural ‘ prettinesss’ and a sort of girl next door young mum persona- being ‘sexy’ now seems to be key. Fair play.
It started with Botox lips and forehead fillers. Then an arm sleeve tattoo of a pin up girl with breast exposed. Okay all good, works hard, saved up, her choice etc, nobody else’s business.
Clothing more recently has become more sexualised I have noticed - pink velvet ‘juicy’ track suits or bum scrunch leggings and crop tops. Again, no judgement here. She is my daughter and I think while it’s a bit of a change she can rock the look- no harm done.
I am reeling, however, at the most recent change.
Pierced nipples ( bars not rings) and she often wears no bra and tight Lycra tops. Very obvious and worn with pride. Oldest grandchild (10) hates it, Giggled at first until his friends older brother said ‘your mates mum must be a porn star on only fans ‘ Grandson has said on numerous occasions to me and his grandad I don’t like people looking at mums boobs all the time at school pick up or in park/recebt camping trip days out etc
I find it very disconcerting, her dad doesn’t know where to look. People ( men) in the street either stare or look embarrassed or judgemental/horrified esp if we have all the kids in tow.
I mentioned this to her politely pointing out that piercings of this nature are part of the adult world due to the area of the body and the sexualised implications, and not something her kids need to be exposed to or worrying about when other people notice them
I was told I am being old fashioned which is bananas as her older siblings have had every fashion phase under the sun without any worry from us. Also her lesbian great aunts are confirmed naturists in their own private shpere and that has been the case since the 1990s. So no prudes here!
I just feel that this crosses a line. And if your eldest child is upset by it as it he is starting to get the gist that there is a sexual undertone blatantly on show then surely enough is enough ?

A bra , nipple covers and less revealing tops are surely the answer - or take them out of bra less in a tight top
It’s not the nips - that’s part of the female body -it’s the piercings I’m struggling with and now my grandson worried I’m finding it’s taking up a huge amount of headspace to the point I’m blinking posting about it now at nearly midnight!!

Daughter finds it hilarious and states nobody has right to police her body etc

AIBU

I understand it's her body, her choice but I think it's very sad that she isn't taking on board the feelings of her children, especially her eldest boy.

As a mother she should be concerned about the effects of her behaviour on his life and happiness.

I feel very sorry for him if his life is being made difficult by her choices.

It started with Botox lips and forehead fillers

I think you got those two the wrong way around 😁

Seriously though, I agree with you but you've said your piece and I'm not sure where else you can go from here.

Yes extremely sad for him. And what is now hurt and upset I fear will turn into anger and resentment. I see it all the time in my line of work. Little boys do not want to see their mothers as overt sexual beings in the eyes of others.
I feel the ‘hotness’ phenomenon, come about by Social media, combined with the EOW thrill and OLD is colouring her judgement.

Could all these surface changes actually indicate low self-esteem? I don't know, but seems like drastic image changes often occur when people are struggling emotionally.

I stand corrected lol !
True -can’t make her take the damn things out can I!

Yes I think definitely started like that after marriage breakup
Now feels good and looks very attractive to prospective daters if truth be told and is on a high about the attention I think.
Feels like she is upping the anti though, little bit more, little bit more etc
Now focus whilst on sex appeal and being hot
just feels jarring

I personally see nothing remarkable or embarrassing about a person of either sex with a nipple piercing. That may be visible beneath clothing sometimes.

I don't stare at or even glance at people's nipples while I'm speaking to them. And if I'm for some reason looking at strangers nipples from afar then my opinion shouldn't really be taken into consideration?

You need to have a serious private conversation with her about her DSs not being comfortable and the embarrassment of friends comments.
That's not policing her body. It's no different to if she was going to school smelling and with her hair like a birds nest and you asked her to wash herself and brush her hair so her sons weren't picked on for it.

It wouldn't matter in an adult setting, or even too much on a day out with the DC and noone they know, but on the school run and around preteen boys isn't the place to be exposing nipple piercings. Its not hard to put a bra on to avoid the sons embarrassment, it's just like how it wouldn't be appropriate if a teacher was wearing that at school.

She had children at a young age and wants to focus on herself and not just be 'mum'.

I'm not into the look at it's up to her.

I think you need to actually tell her what your grandson has been saying. If she thinks the criticism is coming from you then it's easier for her to laugh off. If she knew her son hated it, perhaps she could save it for her weekends off when the kids are with Dad.

Yes but it’s not what we adults think. I wouldn’t care either if I saw a nipple piercing. But her teenage son is mortified and his friends are making lewd remarks. So yeah a bit of self awareness is needed here for the sake of her kids!

She is being very selfish and u fair on her children with her behaviour and that will hurt them and damage their relationship.
Does she know her own son is having issues with it ?

she is late 20's - maybe closer parenting would have been more appropriate when she was a teenager?

This

i get she’s now finding herself, but she chose to become a mother and that comes first. Cover up at the school gate and when she has her children. Enjoy her new found sexiness when they are away for the weekend.

She’s risking her children not wanting to live with her is she dosnt put them first.

I feel sorry for her kids. She's acting like a teenager but that train has left.

I have mine pierced OP and I’m very careful about where and when they’re visible. It’s not right or fair that there are certain connotations attached to them (well, the women who wear them) but that’s the world we live in. Sometimes I hide them for my own benefit (don’t want the judgment) and sometimes I hide them for other people’s benefit (my poor parents simply don’t need to know this fact about me)!

I think what you need to figure out is whether she’s doing this for herself (she likes the way they look/feel) or if it’s performative (she likes the way others look at her/react when they’re visible). Both are actually fine, but…

There’s a huge difference between (a) liking the enthusiastic reaction it gets from someone who also thinks it’s a cool piercing - whether that’s because they find it sexually attractive or just because it’s quite trendy right now and (b) actually enjoying the shocked/embarrassed reactions it gets from a random strangers who would rather not have seen anything at all and feel a bit unsettled.

If it’s (b), it sounds like there may well be some deeper feelings she needs to explore, but if it’s (a), I’d just have a talk about boundaries and what’s appropriate in which contexts.

I'd be mortified to show up like this at the school pick up...

There are many ways to look sexy and "hot" while classy and appropriate, the issue is she wants to be very "in your face". You are right OP it's all attention seeking and a little pathetic to be honest, her poor children. Really unfair to push this on them!
And if it's so perfectly ok, would she show up at work dressed like this?

My first reaction is ow! Seriously though may be time for a chat .say shelooks good but DS feels a little embarrassed. She may be annoyed but DS should come first. Maybe just a blouse or top would help

You’re working hard to be cool about this but it makes me sad. She’s far too young for fillers and Botox which will only age her face. And her son shouldn’t have to endure people staring in shock at his mum’s breasts. Don’t know what you can do though except be politely honest about your opinion.

Yes, I think a little self-reflection may be in order here.

That’s judgemental and absolutely no help! Are you deliberately trying to make things worse?

YABU. Maybe she could chat to her son about how his mates making comments are daft little boys who've probably not seen a nipple since they were breast fed, and that piercings are nothing to be embarrassed about?

We were all mortified/embarrassed by our parents at some point; give it a few years and he won't care a jot.

Your daughter is entitled to a happy life. She's wearing a nipple ring, not a gimp mask. Leave her be and hope her kids inherit her confidence!

But she is a mum. Her children are still young and fully dependant on her.

It’s unreasonable as a parent, and as an adult, to not realise that your choices impact on your children and to take that into account.

That’s not denying her agency as a person it’s expecting an adult to be cognisant of the impact that their behaviour has on her dependant children. She has EOW to dress as she pleases and, as a young mum, decades and decades ahead of her to dress and do whatever she wants.

I was all for saying it’s her choice etc but actually agree with you this is going too far and is awkward for her nearly teenage children and everyone else actually.