Daughter - Nipple piercings , no bra and tight top

[Lardychops]

My daughter is a star. A cracker. Love her to pieces and have a great relationship.
She is 27 nearly 28 and a mum of three lovely boys.
As a teen she missed the whole social media, influencer malarky and as a young teen single mum ( before she later married and had two more kids) was mainly focused on baby, college, friends, going out if opportunity presented and getting by as one does.
Since my daughter’s marriage has broken down and she is now enjoying the bittersweet EOW freedom it brings she has dipped her toe in OLD- fair play - enjoys social media appears to have discovered ‘hotness’. By which I mean someone who previously traded on and enjoyed natural ‘ prettinesss’ and a sort of girl next door young mum persona- being ‘sexy’ now seems to be key. Fair play.
It started with Botox lips and forehead fillers. Then an arm sleeve tattoo of a pin up girl with breast exposed. Okay all good, works hard, saved up, her choice etc, nobody else’s business.
Clothing more recently has become more sexualised I have noticed - pink velvet ‘juicy’ track suits or bum scrunch leggings and crop tops. Again, no judgement here. She is my daughter and I think while it’s a bit of a change she can rock the look- no harm done.
I am reeling, however, at the most recent change.
Pierced nipples ( bars not rings) and she often wears no bra and tight Lycra tops. Very obvious and worn with pride. Oldest grandchild (10) hates it, Giggled at first until his friends older brother said ‘your mates mum must be a porn star on only fans ‘ Grandson has said on numerous occasions to me and his grandad I don’t like people looking at mums boobs all the time at school pick up or in park/recebt camping trip days out etc
I find it very disconcerting, her dad doesn’t know where to look. People ( men) in the street either stare or look embarrassed or judgemental/horrified esp if we have all the kids in tow.
I mentioned this to her politely pointing out that piercings of this nature are part of the adult world due to the area of the body and the sexualised implications, and not something her kids need to be exposed to or worrying about when other people notice them
I was told I am being old fashioned which is bananas as her older siblings have had every fashion phase under the sun without any worry from us. Also her lesbian great aunts are confirmed naturists in their own private shpere and that has been the case since the 1990s. So no prudes here!
I just feel that this crosses a line. And if your eldest child is upset by it as it he is starting to get the gist that there is a sexual undertone blatantly on show then surely enough is enough ?

A bra , nipple covers and less revealing tops are surely the answer - or take them out of bra less in a tight top
It’s not the nips - that’s part of the female body -it’s the piercings I’m struggling with and now my grandson worried I’m finding it’s taking up a huge amount of headspace to the point I’m blinking posting about it now at nearly midnight!!

Daughter finds it hilarious and states nobody has right to police her body etc

AIBU

tell your grandchildren to grow up and ignore it. just like they have agency over their own bodies, so does their mother.

"Giggled at first until his friends older brother said ‘your mates mum must be a porn star on only fans ‘"

this is a disgusting comment and it is not the fault of your daughter, or her nipples, that this friend's brother is such an awful excuse for a human being, much like so many other teenage boys being brought up nowadays.

OP, while I understand your reticence, your almost 30 year old daughter has not been blind for the last 15 years. She knows what ‘hotness’ is and as someone just a year older than her she also definitely knew about social media etc when younger. She is a full adult woman in her prime - a mother no less - and she’s deciding what she wants to look like. As is her right.

I agree that having her nipples out sounds tasteless and awkward for her son. Most women her age do not have children who are old enough to be aware of it. Clearly she doesn’t care what people think about it though and you can’t force her to change. So you have to get over it - because you’ve already said something and she’s told you to jog on. So that’s it. She’s an adult and it’s not illegal so you can’t do anything else. Maybe encourage her son to tell his mum he hates it. But that still probably won’t work.

Also unless she’s given herself a Neanderthal style forehead she’s had Botox in the forehead not fillers and fillers in her lips not Botox. Botox is a toxin that freezes muscles, filler adds volume to an area. Just for reference so you can discuss these things if you need to.

I strongly believe everyone should be able to go around naked (if they were warm enough). The reason I don't, even on hot days, is that we don't live in a world of "should be". While it's very probable that I'd be safe walking to B&Q with no clothes on, everyone who saw me would be embarrassed, uncomfortable, upset and/or offended.

It improves nobody's life to cause negative reactions by doing something needlessly offensive. DD's obtrusive nipple jewellery is not offensive in certain situations, where she wants to attract sexualised attention. In other situations, it is. Unless she's desperate to attract sexualised attention at the school gate, on the bus and in the chip shop, she's causing offence by making it look as if she is. (If she is desperate, that's a bigger issue and needs addressing!)

There's just no sense in going "Hey! LOOK AT MY NIPPLES!" at school pickup, is there?

Offence is taken, not given. If someone is genuinely offended by the hint of a nipple piercing under a woman's top, that's a 'them' problem.

And you're prescribing her intent here...could it not be that "LOOK AT MY NIPPLES!" has never crossed her mind, and that's just how she feels comfortable? That's a couple of steps away from "Dressed like that, she's asking for it."

Tbh I think she sounds a bit reckless.. tell her exactly what her son is saying. Agree it sounds like she has low self esteem.. maybe counselling could help her following break down of her marriage? Three kids and a divorce is huge for anyone and she sounds very Young for that imo

Agree with you.

My teens are always embarrassed about me for one reason or another. Apparently my last lot of highlights are embarrassing (not quite sure why). I don’t think anyone would care so much about the Botox and filler (sad that she has it so young but not shocking).

And she’s totally fine to get nipple piercing, her choice. But not great for her kids and their friends to see it so obviously.She could hide those piercings round her kids easily enough surely.

@Velmy, OP wasn't describing a hint of a nipple piercing.

The only reason to wear very tight tops over braless, pierced nipples is to call attention to them. As I said, appropriate in some situations, not in others.

I have not suggested in any way that her ill-advised clothing choice could invite sexual assault. That's your very own thought: own it.

There's a difference between not staring at something and having it brought glaringly to one's attention by smacking you in the face, so to speak.
But the point is, men have been looking at the mother of three young boys; not only the nipple bars but a fuck-off sleeve tattoo of a woman with a tit out.
And it's affecting her children because their mother is being thought of as a porn/only fans actress.
So while it is up to an individual how the present their body to the world, it is disgusting to embarrass your children to the extent they are teased at school and teach them that it's ok to stare at sexualised women.
Would you be happy if your OH was staring at such a look?

Well, that's the most stupidly pompous reply. Tell her grandchildren to 'grow up'? How mean you sound.
But paints a picture

Pity she can't compromise and wear a bra during the day with her DCs . Knowing it upsets her kids and dismisses it seems quite selfish .

It's her body. You'd hope she'd care about her kids feelings and comfort enough to cover up during the school run, but she does not. Trying to attract others (most likely just men? ) is more important to her than her own children. That's all it comes down to.

What 10 year olds know about Only fans?
This reads like it was written by a man

If be so, so much sadder about the Botox and especially the lips in a twenty something.

Our society is fucked up.

It was a mates ‘older brother’

I think your DD is struggling
She may be coming across as super confident and happy but actions speak louder than words.

Support her, be there for her.
She’s vulnerable.

Unfortunately, I speak from experience

It's not about you as an adult, it's embarrassing her children in an overtly sexual way in school. I've had nipple piercings, no problem with it. She needs to wear a bra or thicker top on the school run. If she doesn't, why is it more important to her to show off her sexuality in that environment than make her children feel comfortable? This isn't teenagers grabbing onto some obscure detail, it's pretty obvious

Prospective daters yes, but looking like an only fans performer is to stable positive relationships what a criminal record is to job hunting

A very close relative decided to do something to themselves that is not seen as ‘the norm’ shall we say. It makes the person stand out in a crowd and their eldest child who was around the same age as your grandson was bullied from it by other kids.
Child begged their parent not to pick them up from school but parent just kept on saying ‘everyone is different, your friends need to learn that’. Didn’t help child at all.

Child is now 4 years older and still has problems with friends etc and does not have a close relationship with parent. Wouldn’t surprise me if they left home asap.
I do think everyone is entitled to look how they want but when it affects their kids I do see it as problem and so sad when parents don’t put their kids first. It may seem like something and nothing to the parent but to kids it can be a huge thing for them.

It seems like she is struggling after the divorce. Like a version of the red sports car for middle aged divorced men.

It's very sad for your grandson though. How horrifically embarrassing for him, and sending him a pretty fucked up message about the sexualisation of women.

Yep. The naturist lesbian aunts gave the game away.

If I meet someone for the first time I do notice any difference eg neck tattoo, large wart, nipple things, etc I would think many people are like that but to infer no one notices these things is wrong.
i don’t then stare at them. In fact i make a point of not staring, but i definitely see them.

She does the school run with no bra and a tight top on???

Sounds very chavvy, people stare because it looks awful not because it looks good unfortunately. Genuinely people with self respect don’t go out looking like that she needs to work on that from inside

Botox lips and forehead fillers (who 'fills' their forehead? You get botox in your forehead and fillers in your lips not the other way around, you can get botox around your mouth but to enhance lip fillers and most clinics won't do it) sorry OP that made me giggle.

Her children shouldn't have to be dealing with this at their age. I think it would be appropriate to have a bit of a chat, gently, if you have a great relationship. Hopefully she'll be a little bit more careful.

She's so young. She missed out on doing all this in her 20's because she was busy being mum/wife. She's finding herself as a single woman.
Would i do it? No. Would i have done it at 28 and looking beautiful.....maybe.

Maybe show grandson some images of people into to body mod - with tats and piercings. So that he has images that aren't about sex. He can contextualise what she is into. Then I someone makes a stupid comment he can laugh it off.