Daughter - Nipple piercings , no bra and tight top

[Lardychops]

My daughter is a star. A cracker. Love her to pieces and have a great relationship.
She is 27 nearly 28 and a mum of three lovely boys.
As a teen she missed the whole social media, influencer malarky and as a young teen single mum ( before she later married and had two more kids) was mainly focused on baby, college, friends, going out if opportunity presented and getting by as one does.
Since my daughter’s marriage has broken down and she is now enjoying the bittersweet EOW freedom it brings she has dipped her toe in OLD- fair play - enjoys social media appears to have discovered ‘hotness’. By which I mean someone who previously traded on and enjoyed natural ‘ prettinesss’ and a sort of girl next door young mum persona- being ‘sexy’ now seems to be key. Fair play.
It started with Botox lips and forehead fillers. Then an arm sleeve tattoo of a pin up girl with breast exposed. Okay all good, works hard, saved up, her choice etc, nobody else’s business.
Clothing more recently has become more sexualised I have noticed - pink velvet ‘juicy’ track suits or bum scrunch leggings and crop tops. Again, no judgement here. She is my daughter and I think while it’s a bit of a change she can rock the look- no harm done.
I am reeling, however, at the most recent change.
Pierced nipples ( bars not rings) and she often wears no bra and tight Lycra tops. Very obvious and worn with pride. Oldest grandchild (10) hates it, Giggled at first until his friends older brother said ‘your mates mum must be a porn star on only fans ‘ Grandson has said on numerous occasions to me and his grandad I don’t like people looking at mums boobs all the time at school pick up or in park/recebt camping trip days out etc
I find it very disconcerting, her dad doesn’t know where to look. People ( men) in the street either stare or look embarrassed or judgemental/horrified esp if we have all the kids in tow.
I mentioned this to her politely pointing out that piercings of this nature are part of the adult world due to the area of the body and the sexualised implications, and not something her kids need to be exposed to or worrying about when other people notice them
I was told I am being old fashioned which is bananas as her older siblings have had every fashion phase under the sun without any worry from us. Also her lesbian great aunts are confirmed naturists in their own private shpere and that has been the case since the 1990s. So no prudes here!
I just feel that this crosses a line. And if your eldest child is upset by it as it he is starting to get the gist that there is a sexual undertone blatantly on show then surely enough is enough ?

A bra , nipple covers and less revealing tops are surely the answer - or take them out of bra less in a tight top
It’s not the nips - that’s part of the female body -it’s the piercings I’m struggling with and now my grandson worried I’m finding it’s taking up a huge amount of headspace to the point I’m blinking posting about it now at nearly midnight!!

Daughter finds it hilarious and states nobody has right to police her body etc

AIBU

I think the Botox and lip fillers are the issue here, not the tight clothes.

Until I got to the line about your grandson I was on your daughter’s side. She can wear what she wants obviously but it shouldn’t be flaunted in her child’s face, especially at the school gates.

Can anyone enlighten me what OLD is? Google is not being my friend. I assume EOW is every other weekend?

I have mine pierced with bars also. Often go without a bra and you can clearly see the outline. My choice. However I also choose to cover up on the school run or at my parents for example. There’s a time and place for everything.

I don't have nipple piercings but I seldom wear a bra and often get folk saying they can see my nipples. I stand by the freedom of this, women have nipples, get over yourself.

But I don't have children. It can only potentially upset me. That's what I feel the difference is here.

I know everyone has a different style but this sounds attention seeking and tacky not hot at all, my guess is self esteem issues and desperation for attention. It really does not hurt for her to either wear a bra or throw on a looser top for school pick up so as not to embarrass her son. On a night out it’s personal preference in the right environment but nobody wants to see lots of cleavage, nipple jewellery etc at the school gates! Time and place folks.

I agree that this drastic change is down to the fact her self-esteem is low. Her marriage has ended, she's 28 with 3 children and is feeling lost. Nothing wrong in giving yourself a make-over to give the self-confidence a boost and to know you're still attractive to the opposite sex. Nothing wrong in having nipples pierced either, but it's not necessary for her to go braless and wear tight cropped tops, on the school run, it's purely for attention. If she wants to dress like this, absolutely fine, but in doing so, she's drawing unwanted and negative attention towards her eldest son. Children can be bloody cruel, and now the other boys have found a chink in your eldest grandsons armour, they will use it repeatedly. It's clearly making your grandson feel embarrassed, and possibly ashamed, because he sees that other Mum's don't dress in this way. You need to point out to your daughter how upset her eldest is, and that other children are teasing him. Does she want an angry, resentful son? Does she want him to lose his cool at school, after yet another teasing session, and get himself into trouble? Both will happen, at some point, especially as the testosterone starts kicking in more. If she wants to dress the way she is, fine, but she needs to put her children's wellbeing before herself, and that means moderating her clothing around them.

@kierenthecommunity OnLineDating.

OP, how about asking her to support her children in dealing with it, or in finding a compromise?

Rather than telling her how she should or shouldn’t dress, focus on her DC and helping them negotiate the situation.

It’s sensitive and may result in both her dialling it down on school runs and the dc realising his mate’s brother is an arse.

I do feel sorry for her children. Trying to convince her son it's perfectly okay in context is, I imagine, totally pointless. It will not make it easier for him to laugh off comments made about his mother's revealing clothes because it is a blatantly sexual display. He can see she simply looks cheap and available - why else would anybody show off their nipple piercings with a tight top and no bra - on the school run? It is hard to imagine what she thinking to consider this is appropriate.

Whilst in an ideal world, everyone should be able to wear what they want, it's naiive and foolish to say it's a "them" problem. Because clearly in this scenario it is not, her son is being bullied / teased because of the way his mum is dressing and he should be her priority. So rightly or wrongly, the mum should cover up, at least on the school run.

Also, yes, again, if she feels good with the work she has had done, then no-one should judge, but we don't live in a world like that yet and I'm afraid if she's wearing nipple bars and a tight top on dates in public then she's going to attract a certain demographic of men and is unlikely (not impossible but...) to attract ones that are going to treat her with respect for her personailty and not just for her looks. And that is sad and will not help with her self esteem which I suspect she is currently suffering with.

Online dating

she’s making the children see something they shouldn’t see, I think there’s a word for that?

You think all those exposed breast tattoos and clothing choices are ok when raising 3 young boys?

I wouldn’t want anyone dressing like that near my kids school. wtf ? I can’t believe she is ok with being seen like that by young boys. wtf

My DSis (9 years younger than I am) has done this occasionally. No bra, tight top, nipple piercing.

It was a tiny bit awkward for me (her sister!) to be sitting opposite her. it was just so noticeable and prominent…

My (then) boyfriend looked directly at her face and nowhere else. Which wasn’t particularly comfortable either.

So yes, I absolutely know where you’re coming from. It’s her body, her choice. But it’s still uncomfortable…

A good point.
Also, I’d not heard of the hotness thing. I suspect it’s driven by men for their own gratification and that I find creepy,
Its very sad your dd is not considerate of her ds’s feelings and I think he will lose respect for her.

@ThinWomansBrain Even so, she’s late 20s now so it’s her responsibility.

@Lardychops I don’t think theres much you can do here, but the fact she’s okay with embarrassing her son sucks. It’s not funny and it will likely lead to bullying. I would love to have nipple piercings myself if I wasn’t so much of a chicken but they can easily be disguised if she wanted to, all she needs is a padded bra.

I was a teen mum myself and my DD often mentions how glad she was that I wasn’t embarrassing her because apparently it is something teens will talk about and compare. In her hs they even had a “fit mum ranking” going on.

She’s probably still hurt from marriage. Maybe help her to see all these attention seeking things will only hurt herself and family.

I would assume the breakdown of her marriage has knocked down her confidence.

She is trying too hard to be what she thinks is attractive, based on what she sees on social media (ie an unhealthy, overly sexualised, botox-heavy look) and over-focusing on her physical appearance.

I would have a quiet chat with her just focusing on the fact that you are a bit worried about her and that although you know that it is her body and her choices some of what she is doing is upsetting her kids.

Disingenuous

I voted that you are being unreasonable because it is her body & I fully support body autonomy (despite not liking the decisions some people make).
However the upset that this is causing her DC takes this into different areas & she needs to rethink.

The faux naivety and lack of awareness of how other people perceive us as well.

It doesn't mean that we have to cover ourselves up in shapeless figure hugging clothes, but the naivety of what even the most nicely brought up teenager is going to think is astonishing.

Children can be cruel.

Thanks so much for all the responses. I’m working from home today but have arranged to go over in my lunch break for a cuppa and chat.
May show her the thread although might be overkill I wonder- tbh I’m hoping that just encouraging her to reflect on her eldest feelings/embarrassment may be enough.
Thanks so much all tho x

Telling her to ‘throw on a bra’ is only going to make her dig her heels in and argue (not incorrectly) that those looking are at fault, not her.

As everyone has said, her son is the issue not her body. But I don’t think telling her to cover up for her son is the answer. (I’m not saying I don’t think she should just that it isn’t effective)

She needs to open a dialogue with her son. What are people saying, what does he feel about that? What responses could he give when friends say inappropriate things?

Im not personally a fan of scrunch leggings and skin tight tops at school drop off/middle of the day in town. I’m not your sexual partner, I don’t need to see your anus! BUT, teenage boys commenting about only fans etc ARE in the wrong. Just because someone is a mum doesn’t mean they are non-sexual and a mother having a sex life is not something to laugh at/judge. Boys are never going to let go of these misogynistic ideas if we don’t stand up to them. Your grandson needs empowering to challenge these ideas and explore where they come from.

Your daughter needs to recognise that he, and his friends, are learning and it wouldn’t hurt to support them in that. Part of that support can be wearing a bra.

“an awful excuse for a human being”?!

They’re ten year old children!

Nobody walks around at a school with visible nipple bars and expects all the kids to say, “well that’s just Kevin’s mum exercising her right to sexual self-expression, which I fully support, of course”. FFS! If you think the OF remark is bad, wait until the poor kid gets to secondary school.

I think it’s really sad, OP, that your daughter is putting her wish to be considered ‘hot’ over her kids’ wish not to be humiliated, and whilst I agree we should be teaching our children about personal choice and bodily autonomy, it’s extremely inappropriate to expect a 10 year old to be defending his mum’s sexual choices every day at junior school.

It does sound like she’s been through a lot and is finally ‘finding herself’ (albeit in a delayed teenage way), which would be fine if there weren’t children involved. You obviously don’t want to knock her new found confidence, but I think it’s worth having another conversation in support of your grandson’s feelings. She probably doesn’t fully grasp the potential long-term implications of making him feel this way. It’s not like it’s a big ask to wear a bra on the school run.

@stopthedream’s post is very thoughtful.