Finding it hard not to resent friend on benefits

[ArlJudey]

I’m friends with a woman, she has 4 kids all fairly young still. She’s single (dad not in the country so no maintenance), she lives in a 3 bed council house that is nicer than my home (okay she got lucky as I know some of the council houses around here are awful but she’s in a lovely spacious house). She works 15 hours a week, above minimum wage but I don’t know by how much, she gets UC and child benefit and Scottish child payment on top of this, I know she doesn’t have any family help etc.

Anyway met with this friend today and she complained that she can’t afford to go anywhere nice on holiday, she’s going to Egypt in the summer for the week; last year she went to Greece so she’s hardly slumming it. She brags about having no debt at all, her kids have nice clothes (though I know she is a Vinted wizard), doesn’t seem to struggle at Christmas, uses gousto every week etc.

AIBU to resent that she seems to have a much nicer life than I do with 2 kids working full time (also single). I know there are some obvious differences like I have a small amount of debt I’m paying off and have a car to pay for/fuel/insure.
I really don’t get how on benefits she’s doing it!

So, she isn’t doing anything wrong then! And she isn’t choosing a benefit lifestyle. This is exactly what benefits are for. To get you through when things are tough. When her kids are in school and she goes full time, she won’t be living on benefits anymore. What is your problem?

Yes, we all know the individual anecdotes of benefit recipients "gaming the system", "never worked a day in their lives", etc, but that's NOT the case for OP's friend who is clearly reacting responsibly to her "D"H buggering off and not paying to maintain his own DC. He should be receiving our opprobrium, not OP's friend who seems to be doing a pretty good job of managing her current situation as well as having a plan for the future.

So, when someone’s life goes to shit and they need a temporary safety net, do you actually want them and their children to live in poverty? That’s what you think should happen to people? She was married and stable and had a career, and it all got taken away from her. She is still in work, she’ll go back to full time but due to her ex-husband’s actions, she needs a few years of help and you’re envious and want her to be living in poverty to make you feel better?

I don’t think I’d want to be your friend. Nor do I want to live in the society you seem to be yearning for. Husband leaves you or dies while you have young children, well it’s poverty for you until you can get back into full time work.

Yes most people i know who are on benefits (but not working) are in housing association properties. Like you say how on earth could they afford private rent as it can be hard enough for those working to afford it.

Where do you live though? Most places the waiting list is ten years long. So they have no choice to rent privately then they just spend all their money on rent and have barely anything left.
One person going on holidays while having chea rent doesn't mean everyone on benefits goes on exotic holidays

Have 2 more kids then and do the same????????

From spending a lot of time on the Holidays topic, it would appear that an awful lot of people think that you need thousands and thousands to go to Greece, and that the only option is an all inclusive package.

However, given that the woman in question shows other signs of being a good budgeter (buys all clothes on Vinted, debt free, can afford Christmas presents which I strongly suspect she picks up second hand for a song for kids that age), I'd hazard a guess that she's found some cheap flights on Easyjet, has booked their accommodation separately and self caters.

And well done her, for making her money stretch that far! She could probably give budgeting tips to some of the nasty people on this thread, I'm sure.

Maybe her husband was a high earner before he left? Anyone's husband can leave them or die. It's not even a Crazy number. It was considered a small family back in our grandparents time.

Meanwhile people in other countries have way more children while we die out and make anyone who has more than 2.4 kids feel like shit. The future doesn't look great for great Britain

I'd hazard a guess that she's found some cheap flights on Easyjet, has booked their accommodation separately and self caters.

A week self catering in Greece can be done very cheaply indeed especially with free child places and booking flights in advance. I’ve done it with two kids in summer holidays and it really wasn’t more expensive than a UK based holiday.

Do something that warrants gross misconduct or reduce your hours to the minimum and claim UC.

It is not like it is unobtainable.

Only the amount of money won't cover car expenses and your personal debt, your friend is good at budgeting and hunting bargains.

Just focus on yourself.

Look at doing a degree too, if you reduce your hours and spending, studying for a few years.

Jealousy evokes feelings of hatred, bitterness etc. That she wishes the friend harm.
The OP is envious, she wishes she had that income level - and lifestyle that’s all.

Presumably there’s no white van on the driveway in this case.

The mother of 4 will return to full-time work in what will likely be a better paying job than the OP. She will be a net contributor and if her children are as clever as her and have the same work ethic they will also grow up and contribute to society. This is a relatively short term situation and she currently needs the support. I think in 10 years time the OP will still be jealous of her friend as she will not have made progress in her own life. The OP maybe won’t even realise that the friend’s eventual higher tax payments are helping to fund her and her family’s life.

My carer lives on carer's allowance topped up with Universal Credit.

He has visited Japan a couple of times.

To afford the trip he never uses the heating in his flat. I mean never, not when it is snowing or when ice is building up on the inside of windows.

He lives a couple of miles away from me and he walks to and from rather than pay for bus fare.

He limits his shopping to something like £30 a week for everything.

His trips to Japan have been by the cheapest route / airline and when there he stays in shared rooms in hostels.

People manage their money differently.

It sounds like your friend has a plan to improve her situation and in the meantime lives within her means.

That is a bit of a stretch. I am not convinced that the friend will earn enough to completely pay back what she has received in benefits. It is also like that she will be recieving quite a bit until the youngest is 18. We don't know what OP earns either.

This. My partner left me not long after I had returned to work part time. I still managed 2 holidays that year cheap easyjet flights, self catering and a lidl shop in Spain. We also did a sun £9.50 weekend in a caravan. Clothes were from charity shop or vinted and I went to free or low cost toddler groups including a toy library. I couldn't have done it without careful budgeting and planning some people have never had to and the concept is alien to them

At some point in the medium term future she will likely start working full time and will continue to until she’s 67 or so paying 20% (or even 40%) income tax. It’s not that much of a stretch.

Does this matter though? We don't allocate benefits based on repayability which is why they are benefits not loans. So whatever ops friend contributes or doesn't is a moot point. And begrudging money that all children receive in the area that helps eliminate child poverty is crazy given that poverty leads to a myriad of other social issues which are expensive to solve and therefore this early intervention benefits everyone. It is in all our best interests to have a decent benefits system that is actually liveable for people who need it like ops friend.

Especially in Scotland where we’re paying 40% from around £43k which is a normal salary for a degree profession.

The system doesn’t deter people from having kids or encourage them to work!

My BIL has three kids, one of which he never paid for… he’s now 15 and he owes so much that it isn’t worth him working. He just claims benefits whilst his wife works a few hours a week. Cushty eh!

But does everyone " pay back" for their kids births , medical care , education etc. That I doubt

@Maybethisallthereis "The system doesn’t deter people from having kids or encourage them to work!" The UC two-child benefit cap exists for a reason - to discourage people from having more than two children! 🙄

Sounds like she has a difficult life and is giving her children the best life she can

you don’t sound like much of a friend

Working full time is difficult too you know.

Yes, nobody said otherwise.

OP, it sounds as though your friend has had a rough couple of years and is trying to make the most of the resources that she has.

Rather than begrudging her for that, perhaps you could think about the tweaks you could make in your own life to make things better. I would ask your friend re. budget holiday tips, getting bargains on Vinted, making Christmas special on a shoestring etc if you feel these things could make a difference to your situation.