Finding it hard not to resent friend on benefits

[ArlJudey]

I’m friends with a woman, she has 4 kids all fairly young still. She’s single (dad not in the country so no maintenance), she lives in a 3 bed council house that is nicer than my home (okay she got lucky as I know some of the council houses around here are awful but she’s in a lovely spacious house). She works 15 hours a week, above minimum wage but I don’t know by how much, she gets UC and child benefit and Scottish child payment on top of this, I know she doesn’t have any family help etc.

Anyway met with this friend today and she complained that she can’t afford to go anywhere nice on holiday, she’s going to Egypt in the summer for the week; last year she went to Greece so she’s hardly slumming it. She brags about having no debt at all, her kids have nice clothes (though I know she is a Vinted wizard), doesn’t seem to struggle at Christmas, uses gousto every week etc.

AIBU to resent that she seems to have a much nicer life than I do with 2 kids working full time (also single). I know there are some obvious differences like I have a small amount of debt I’m paying off and have a car to pay for/fuel/insure.
I really don’t get how on benefits she’s doing it!

But the mum in this case has been left! Not her choice to be a single mum to 4 kids.

No one thinks it'll happen to them.

It did to me, i work but also claim UC, and thank God I can because I'd be utterly fucked without it.

So sick of benefit bashers like you OP! Do you want kids of single mums to go without to make you feel better?

I understand your frustration but I think you have to draw a line as to how much you know and how much you can let go over your head...

(unfortunately) we cannot live others lives for them, and yes the system appears to fail those who need it most, while others seem to float on by and do well.

Is there any chance she has an Only Fans account and earning extra that way?

"People need to be held accountable for their shitty life choices"

Correct men should be held more accountable for shitty behaviour that leaves a woman holding 4 babies on her own.

In a single parent and my ex was a hard working, charismatic, pillar of the community. We'd been together years before having a child because i wanted to be sure he was one of the good ones. His affair was not a shitty life choice on my part and being able to claim uc is exactly what keeps me in work because childcare bills would put me out of it otherwise. Do better.

Comments like this are interesting to me because as a lone parent to one child I can only imagine how expensive childcare or wrap around child care for 4 children must be. Where i live in the UK it would definitely cost more than my full time wage. Did it not register that it actually may not pay her to work full time by the time she pays for childcare? Never mind that most women are still off on maternity leave at 10 months and she's back to work.

Genuinely curious as to whether @1SillySossij and @theherboriste are men or just doing the good work of upholding the patriarchy by blaming a woman for being negatively impacted by all the cards a patriarchal society has already stacked against them. As a tax payer I personally am happy to contribute to a woman in ops friends position as its exactly what it was created for in the first place. Hope you both never fall off those high horses.

I am a woman.

She is negatively impacted by HER foolish choice to have four children with a deadbeat, not by society/the patriarchy/misogyny. It seems to me that good old society is doing pretty well by her if she is raking in enough to work a measly two days a week AND afford overseas holidays.

Great role model for those kids.

The difference between envy and jealousy is that envy is coveting what someone else has while jealousy is fear of losing what you have. It's natural to feel both on occasion but begrudging someone a decent existence in difficult circumstances is gross either way. You are not her friend.

Oh well with any luck she'll get hit by a lorry or something and break her legs, then miss out on any pension because she can't work. Then you can breathe a sigh of relief that her life will be shitter than yours at last.

Single parent of 4 young kids, working, buying clothes second hand on Vinted, going on holiday once a year and being able to afford Christmas presents...it's hardly living the good life is it? And I can't imagine how it would constitute an 'easy' life, regardless of how she comes across to you.

Also, is this the bar we're setting? People on benefits deserve to live, not just exist. I've never understood this notion that society's most underprivileged shouldn't have access to even the most basic 'luxuries' like a week away or some nice clothes.

Any resentment from working people would be better aimed at those responsible for the fact that you can work all day and still be on the breadline.

Punch up, not down.

Perhaps those who are so very in favour of funding other people’s life choices could make extra contribution to mount their money where their mouths are.
Yeah, thought not.

Im in Scotland, paying significantly more tax than the rest of the UK, which then funds things like the SCP. Absolutely my money is where my mouth is.

do you pay additional rate tax? If you don’t, then you are not paying anywhere near enough tax to fund the largesse in Scotland.

You sound like a mean “friend “

Only thing I am cynical about this is that is she really a single mum?

do you pay additional rate tax? If you don’t, then you are not paying anywhere near enough tax to fund the largesse in Scotland.

Ive been a higher rate tax payer for over 20 years so while I’m not funding it single handed, I’m certainly paying my share. Which I absolutely don’t mind if it means children have the opportunity for a decent start in life. The media have done an excellent job of having folk at each others throats if anyone is perceived to have the slightest help or support - I don’t mind paying a bit more for a more equal life for kids.

Why is Greece so ostentatious? I'm lost here. You can get cheap flights and stay in aa apartment and probably costs less than expensive train tickets and accomodation in the UK with guarantee of better weather so u can go stuff like the beach or pool that's not costing a fortune

I don’t think being a single mum of 4 is something I would want to do. Is the issue you are struggling to work full time and have no back up at home and cannot afford any holiday let alone Turkey or Greece? That is understandable but living a life on benefits is not something to aspire to. Maybe once the debt is gone you can start putting money aside to do a holiday.

In this day and age I think it's socially and environmentally irresponsible to have 4 kids anyway

WTF? Such a load of sanctimonious drivel. And you have two points both starting with D. Obviously in your verbal diarrhoea you failed to notice.

When your children leave college, & the child related benefits stop, you won't regret advancing your career & investing in your own property over the alternative. I worked & did 5 years of uni to enter a profession while mine were at school, & there isn't a day goes by when I don't thank my lucky stars I did that. My peers who did the opposite are now in 1 bed flats (it's all they can afford or are entitled to now the kids have flown), working entry level jobs & really not having a great life. It's a trade off & a personal choice, but one that should be made with your eyes wide open. Lone mothers need to plan for middle age.

Who says this woman won't be advancing her career once the kids are a bit older? She already has her degree and keeping her hand in the workforce even while the kids are very young. So why are you suggesting that by the time her kids are grown she will still be relying on benefits . ?

This woman is still working, in the field she has a degree in. I’m sure she can increase her hours when the children are at school.

Sounds like the OPs friend is going to do just fine then once her kids leave home!

Plenty of people consider it a possibility which is why they don't choose to have 4 children and keep their careers going. Lots don't though because they know the state will pick up the tab, can bet people would make more responsible reproductive choices if self responsibility was still a thing.

Was @deathnote11 not just giving that advice to the people and OP complaining about people who play the benefit system, rather than saying the friend in question was doing that.

I don't claim benefits apart from Child Benefit. However, I think the situation OP is describing is what benefits are for, in this instance helping working families stay afloat and ensure children don't live in poverty.

She's getting the same amount of benefits anyone in her situation would the difference is

A . She doesn't have a car, that must save her a lot of money. No petrol, no mot no finance etc

B. She lives in a council house her rent is probably half what private renter's pay. People privately renting on benefits are definitely not living this life of luxury