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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t rearrange his holiday

553 replies

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 14:10

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

OP posts:
ACynicalDad · 27/04/2025 14:43

Is he going alone? I think you shouldn't push this, but if he's going alone, it's a pity he doesn't offer to do this voluntarily, but maybe you take advantage of him and deprioritise him at other times too, and it's not just holidays?

Matronic6 · 27/04/2025 14:43

YABU. You have made him cancel a much waited for holiday for a friend and are now insisting he cancels another to accommodate them. Why can't any of your friends change their plans to accommodate the holiday?

AngieBlack · 27/04/2025 14:44

also, super nice of your DH to cancel that very important sporting event for your friend. Why couldn’t one of the other 8 support her instead of you even asking your DH to cancel? You should be bending over backwards to thank him for that. And when this new event was being organised you should’ve said, I’m unavailable that week and should’ve have thought “no way can I ask DH again”.

you clearly don’t love him, you would not treat him like this if you did

LandSharksAnonymous · 27/04/2025 14:44

However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible.

Lost me here. Please don't bring sex into it. It has nothing to do with this, does it?

He booked his holiday first. You then booked yours on the expectation that he would accommodate you. Good for him for saying no. You're meant to be a partnership - not you demanding he alter his plans to suit you.

2chocolateoranges · 27/04/2025 14:45

Dh’s holiday was booked first so you are not available that week, so the girls either all go without you that week or you find another week.

i know how difficult it is to arrange a girls night out never mind a week away but your dh has plans therefore you aren’t available.

MrsMappFlint · 27/04/2025 14:45

LlynTegid · 27/04/2025 14:16

Depends on what the alleged very important event was for me to judge.

It doesn't really matter if it was the World Champion Knit A Conker Quarter Final or blowing a trumpet to herald the arrival of the Lesser Spotted Bluebottle.

It was important to him and it had been booked years in advance.

It really wouldn't surprise me if, OP, you had shown willing to accommodate him this time, then he might have accommodated you of his own volition.

Houseplantsaresoothing · 27/04/2025 14:46

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/04/2025 14:34

No he doesn’t. He’s already accommodated a change of plan once. OP’s turn. It’s called give and take.

Show quote history

I understand that he has already in the past sacrificed something important to him because of OP's friends emergency.

And I totally agree that if changing his holiday this time involved similar inconvenience and disappointment to himself or any of his friends then OP would be very unreasonable to ask him this second time.

But she has said that actually changing his holiday this time would not cause him any inconvenience. So his refusal to change his holiday date is just on a matter if principal. There is apparently no other reason for him refusing. And it's this transactional element in a lot of marriages that I don't understand. Yes things in a marriage should be arranged as much as possible to equally benefit both partners. Bur I dont see why there can't be a bit of flexibility if changing his holiday date is of no disadvantage to him.

And tbh we don't know what OP's marriage is like on a day to day basis.
We don't know whether she herself generally changes plans or makes sacrifices to enable and accommodate her H's life .

Blackdow · 27/04/2025 14:46

BlueTitShark · 27/04/2025 14:43

Except the give and take shouldn’t be a tit for tat attitude.
Like ‘last hols, I had to rearrange so I’m going to ask you to rearrange this time just because I want to’.

In a marriage, the accommodation happens over a much longer period.
Youd have a point if the OP was ALWAYS pushing him to reorganise his hols. Which is not the case.
Youd have a point if she was NEVER accommodating around his needs. Like around hours he works, picking up the dcs at school, him going away for the day with friends etc etc….

Madness lies in counting points and demanding an exact payback each time he is asked to make an effort (which I agree seems to have been a big ask!).
Rather it feels like he is still resentful of having been asked and of him having said Yes to changing his plans. And he is punishing the OP.

Basically a much bigger and wider problem than what’s in the OP really.

Show quote history

But it isn’t tit for tat. He isn’t telling her to rearrange her holiday because he had to last time. He’s just saying he won’t rearrange again. His is always booked, he already checked dates with her so ensure she could watch their joint kids and she agreed so he booked his break. It’s done. Instead of blocking that out in her diary, she told her friends she was available. And now wants him to rearrange his thing again.

The dates were booked, she agreed to watch the kids, she isn’t free. Why did she tell her friends that she was?

notsureyetcertain · 27/04/2025 14:46

You can’t do that week because your dh is away. So either they go without you or you find a new week. All your friends prioritise their family and other commitments over this event why can’t you?

BankHolidayBonanza · 27/04/2025 14:47

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support,

You sound so ungrateful about this, he should be bitterly regretting doing this.

And now you just expect him to change his existing plans because you fancy the time?

Are you treating him like a second-class citizen in your entire relationship, or just when it's about his holidays?

Feelingmuchbetter · 27/04/2025 14:48

Your marriage sounds like an afterthought op.

I imagine he is digging his heels in because he does not feel important to you - nor are his holidays and commitments. He is a side show in your marriage.

I would stop all random holidays and focus on each other, and rebuild your relationship pronto. Or you may not have a marriage to come back to.

BlueMum16 · 27/04/2025 14:48

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 14:14

How? There is no impact to him if he goes a week earlier or later.

Show quote history

He has already booked and he has plans.

Tell your friends you need another date.

This isn't difficult.

heroinechic · 27/04/2025 14:48

I voted YANBU and am really surprised by the poll.

Your DH should want you to be able to get away with your friends. He has the opportunity to enable that, or prevent it and he is choosing to prevent it out of principle.

Do you have any family support that would enable you both to go away?

legsekeven · 27/04/2025 14:49

Honestly it screams of putting your friends first. Yes friendships are important but so are marriages. You miss out this time and don’t sulk about it. He didn’t have to miss his important event last time

Azandme · 27/04/2025 14:50

."I am worried where this might lead."

I think you're right to be worried, because noone will tolerate friends being prioritised over them repeatedly and nor should they.

You knew his dates, and you therefore knew YOU weren't available that week, and yet it's your husband you expect to change his holiday, rather than oneofyour friends. Why is that? Are his plans less important than whatever they are doing? And why do you think that? And that's on top of you thinking your girls holiday is automatically more important because it involves "busy mums" who have other plans, and on top of your friend's event being more important than something he'd had booked for years!

When you show someone where they stand in your life, and it's beneath you and your friends don't be surprised when they deprioritise the relationship.

Coffeeishot · 27/04/2025 14:51

Good for him he isn't prioritising you and your friends again. He missed his thing for you and now you want him to miss his holiday again

BankHolidayBonanza · 27/04/2025 14:51

he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible.

he's clearly not asking anything, he has booked first. It's YOU who expect him to re-arrange his summer plans. He seems to have a career and family too, AND a demanding ungrateful partner too.

How would you react if the situation was reversed?

BreadInCaptivity · 27/04/2025 14:51

You come across as being quite dismissive of your DH.

I’m struggling to think of what sort of emergency would have meant you had to ask him to cancel long standing plans (especially as it’s clear that there’s a big gang of you and presumably another friend could have stepped in).

Then again you are expecting him to make way for you and your friends.

This isn’t the only week you can all go because you are not available.

It’s up to you and your friends to resolve this not him. Do you honestly think any of them would be asking their partner to re—plan an already booked holiday?

If I was him I’d be really pissed off with you.

Riaanna · 27/04/2025 14:51

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 14:14

How? There is no impact to him if he goes a week earlier or later.

Show quote history

Who’s he going with?

MsTamborineMan · 27/04/2025 14:51

He's not asking 9 busy women to reorganise their plans is he? The 9 busy women are asking him to reorganise his already booked plans. It's not really his problem that you've tried to organise your holiday on a week you weren't actually available

He's already missed an event that he'd planned for years that was important to him for your friends. He probably feels quite resentful that he did this for you and there doesn't seem to be any goodwill back to him

whycantibeselfishforonce · 27/04/2025 14:51

There is an impact for him to rearrange it. An emotional impact that your friends and their children and way more important that him.

You will just have to rearrange OP, that would be the decent and right thing to do.

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/04/2025 14:52

LandSharksAnonymous · 27/04/2025 14:44

However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible.

Lost me here. Please don't bring sex into it. It has nothing to do with this, does it?

He booked his holiday first. You then booked yours on the expectation that he would accommodate you. Good for him for saying no. You're meant to be a partnership - not you demanding he alter his plans to suit you.

This.

MrsPeterHarris · 27/04/2025 14:53

Hoppinggreen · 27/04/2025 14:23

That week isn't convenient for everyone though because you can't go.

It really is as simple as this. He sounds very accommodating by having already missed out due to you needing to support a friend & TBH if I’d been him, I’d not have rearranged the first time either.

Hastentoadd · 27/04/2025 14:53

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 14:10

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

Will it cost him money to cancel / move his holiday

Dontcallmescarface · 27/04/2025 14:54

However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible.

Presumably those "9 busy women, with careers" are adults so must realise that sometimes things don't go how they want them to. Either change the date or do something else like a weekend away.