Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 22 23

Original poster

Husband won’t rearrange his holiday

553 replies

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 14:10

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

OP posts:

Amateurs10 · 27/04/2025 15:34

As it makes no difference to his booking to move it a week either way, I would consider that nasty and vindictive and it would absolutely be a massive red flag that the marriage is no longer working.
I would also be seriously reflecting on whether it will last and start making plans.
Tell your friends the truth, family too.

In my marriage we would automatically bend over backwards to make things work for both of us.

Its why we are into our 4th decade together.

Give and take is critical to a successful relationship.

katkintreats · 27/04/2025 15:34

This is not the only ‘convenient’ date available. It is neither convenient nor available.

I assume your friends are not busily rearranging their plans on the dates they are otherwise unavailable?

The truth is that there are NO dates where all of you are available, so you will need to book further ahead.

travelallthetime · 27/04/2025 15:37

Backbag · 27/04/2025 15:04

I honestly can't imagine asking my husband, who I (presumably) love, to rearrange something important he'd booked years in advance, for anything, let alone to support a friend. Then to ask him to change his plans for your friends again....?

I thought this. I can’t think of anything that would make me ask a friends husband to cancel a long awaited trip; even if it was a death in the family, I still wouldn’t ask this

dynamiccactus · 27/04/2025 15:37

BreakingGood48 · 27/04/2025 14:19

Sorry I do actually think if his was booked first then YABU.

Also he missed an event he planned years in advance because your friend needed your support? Also unreasonable sorry.

Yes. Why did your friend specifically need you when you knew your husband had plans? Why couldn't you have gone to support her after he'd been to the event (or before).

He's booked first, he gets first dibs.

Goditsmemargaret · 27/04/2025 15:38

Is he holidaying alone?

skyeisthelimit · 27/04/2025 15:38

YABU. That week isn't convenient for you so your friends need to look at dates again.

TheHerboriste · 27/04/2025 15:38

dynamiccactus · 27/04/2025 15:37

Yes. Why did your friend specifically need you when you knew your husband had plans? Why couldn't you have gone to support her after he'd been to the event (or before).

He's booked first, he gets first dibs.

Show quote history

Or why couldn’t some of the umpteen other friends “support” her?

ttcat37 · 27/04/2025 15:39

Unless your friend’s family emergency was really very extreme, I think you were out of order making him cancel something he’d had planned years in advance. It’s probably no wonder that he’s refusing to be flexible if, in his eyes, he missed an important event for something that he might have considered unnecessary

Happyspendingthedayinthegarden · 27/04/2025 15:43

Your husband had his holiday booked first YABU to ask him to move it.

OnlyDespairRemains · 27/04/2025 15:45

He booked first. Why was that week even on the table for your holiday?

Hitchinkitchen · 27/04/2025 15:45

It’s Sod’s Law that he has to rearrange or cancel again but you come first.

Backbag · 27/04/2025 15:46

So this best friend has 8 other "close friends" and yet you had to ask your husband to cancel an event he'd planned for years to support her? The man sounds like a saint (or a doormat?) to have even considered it. It's very unreasonable that you asked the first time, let alone again.

SlashBeef · 27/04/2025 15:49

It isn't a convenient week because you're not available. They'll have to pick another date or you don't attend.
You're absolutely indicating to your husband that he is not important.

Snorlaxo · 27/04/2025 15:49

It’s a 10 person holiday. You and your friends are unreasonable not to book far in advance because it was inevitably going to be complicated with so many people.

I would also like to know what the emergency was and why it had to be you (without your kids) rather than one of the 8 others in the group. I know that you are the bestie but considering that a 9 person holiday isn’t a possibility, it means that there are others in the group who are close.

Createausername1970 · 27/04/2025 15:50

Haven't read the entire thread, but I think I am with the majority.

DH has a week of holiday booked and it was booked prior to you having other plans.

You are trying to book a week away with your friends, but instead of saying to your friends at the start of the proceedings that this was a week you weren't free, you have decided you are free, and he can shift his holiday to accommodate you.

If this is a correct understanding, then you are being massively unfair and entitled. And bearing in mind he has previously cancelled long standing plans to allow you to support a friend it reads like you prioritise your friendships over and above your marriage.

Megifer · 27/04/2025 15:52

I was ready to say YANBU until I got to the event he'd had planned for years.

Tbh while it does sound like he's being spiteful, your friend could have called on one of the other friends in the large friendship group i think?

So while he's being inflexible, I think you were too in a worse way and yes like I say it feels a bit spiteful payback, but I can't say I totally blame him.

What was the emergency that required your DH to cancel his long awaited plans that no one else could help as much as you could, out of interest?

outerspacepotato · 27/04/2025 15:52

Your friends' schedules are not his problem. He booked first.

You really are prioritizing your friends over your marriage.

SallyWD · 27/04/2025 15:53

Yep, agree with the others. You're being very unreasonable.

Letsummercommence · 27/04/2025 15:54

ilovesooty · 27/04/2025 14:19

Is this going to be yet another thread where the OP is so convinced they're in the right that they're not interested in an alternative point of view?

And yes, you're being unreasonable. Why should he have to change his plans again when your choice to prioritise your friend caused him significant inconvenience before?

Show quote history

Because it doesn’t affect him to change this time?

He did an amazing thing giving up a much anticipated holiday for your mate. It’s a dick move to use it to score points.

However I suspect he thinks you like your mates more than him. Which he probably has a point.

BulldogMumma · 27/04/2025 15:55

This is one of those threads where the OP asks if they’re unreasonable, gets told yes YABU and they don’t want to hear that so don’t come back.
For what it’s worth I think YABVVU, he’s already missed one trip that was booked for years, now you’re trampling over his plans again and throwing a strop because he said no. You sound like a spoilt child, I think you need to start prioritising your DH while you still have a marriage.
Did he even get any thanks for cancelling his last trip? Or was he just expected to do as you said?
If this was the other way round we’d all be saying LTB

Gundogday · 27/04/2025 15:57

He cancel a holiday he had with his friends (including special tickets). Looks like you’re going to have to do the same.

BreadInCaptivity · 27/04/2025 16:00

Amateurs10 · 27/04/2025 15:34

In my marriage we would automatically bend over backwards to make things work for both of us.

Its why we are into our 4th decade together.

Give and take is critical to a successful relationship.

Give and take is essential, which is precisely the point here.

What we see is the DH repeatedly being asked to give and the OP repeatedly taking.

Even if there is zero impact in him changing his plans this time, it reads like she used up all his goodwill (and then some) when he was asked to cancel a holiday years in the planning.

He might well be being stubborn, but I’d be surprised if he didn’t feel utterly pissed off at being expected to play second fiddle yet again.

If the OP’s attitude towards him vs her friends spills over not just in respect of holidays but nights/days out as well then that’s probably more grist to his mill.

We talk a lot about women putting in boundaries about their relationships and it would appear that’s exactly what’s he is doing here - to stop this expectation from the OP once and for all that she gets to take all the time and he has to give.

Given the OP hasn’t got what she wanted from this thread she may well not be back….but I confess I’m still boggling at what possible emergency meant he had to cancel his plans last time, the fact the OP was the only person that could have offered support and she could only do this whist not looking after children.

Rowen32 · 27/04/2025 16:00

Amateurs10 · 27/04/2025 15:34

In my marriage we would automatically bend over backwards to make things work for both of us.

Its why we are into our 4th decade together.

Give and take is critical to a successful relationship.

This is so condescending and a ridiculous reply, the superiority

ExpressCheckout · 27/04/2025 16:01

Based on what you have said, I think you are being self-centred, childish and manipulative.

Silvers11 · 27/04/2025 16:03

rubyslippers · 27/04/2025 15:24

I find it staggering that he missed a holiday because your friend had an emergency and only you could support her
he has booked this years in advance
you shouldn’t have said you were free that week unless you are so entitled you thought your DH would cancel again
if I was your DH id be seriously considering my marriage - you sound overly entitled, selfish have horrible main character syndrome
I really hope this is a reverse and it’s the poor DH posting

I agree with this poster @ThisPearlCritic Obviously we only know what you have told us - but your story about him having to cancel a very important holiday which had been booked YEARS in advance, because one of your friends had an emergency and needed support, would support the impression you have given, that you expect him to take second place to other people in your life always - and he's had enough of your attitude and is setting a very reasonable boundary.

You also say him changing his week will not inconvenience him. Lots of inconvenience to have to change all the arrangements he has already made - and I totally don't believe he is going on his own, so others will be inconvenienced too

I would NEVER have asked my DH to cancel an important holiday/event, so that I could 'support' a friend: a friend who clearly has other friends to boot! YABVVVU

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 22 23