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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t rearrange his holiday

553 replies

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 14:10

My best friend and I had planned a big holiday with 8 of our close friends in the summer to celebrate a number of significant events.

Unfortunately, the only time that is convenient for all of my friends is during the same week that my husband is going away. He could move his holiday forward or backward to accommodate me but has refused, and has become very insistent that he won’t move his dates because he booked his holiday first.

For context, my husband had tickets to very important event, which he has booked years in advanced with his friends, but at the last minute he couldn’t go because my best friend (who I am going on holiday with) had a family emergency and needed my support, and my husband had to remain and look after the children (3 from 3 - 9).

My husband keeps pointing to this and has made it clear it’s my turn to rearrange my holiday. However, he’s effectively asking 9 busy women, with careers and families, to rearrange their summer plans and that’s going to be impossible. I feel he is being intentionally difficult and doing this on purpose, whilst my friend had an unforeseen emergency.

This disagreement has seeped into other areas of my life and we are constantly squabbling and arguing. I am worried where this might lead.
AIBU to ask him to rearrange his leave.

OP posts:
TheScentOfElonMusk · 27/04/2025 14:26

Why did you let the 8 others think that you were free those dates?

Needspaceforlego · 27/04/2025 14:27

Op sorry but he's booked, you aren't.

DH has one week with his mates a year. The only time he's been asked to change it was for a very close family funeral - even at that he was told to get his ass on a plane the next day.

I honestly can't imagine trying to get him to cancel or rearrange a holiday that's booked so I could get away. And I know getting my group of 5 pals together is a nightmare that needs minimum 6mths planning.

bravefox · 27/04/2025 14:28

YABU - Swap the sexes and imagine how this reads. Long standing girls holiday vs recently organised lads trip

Trickabrick · 27/04/2025 14:29

If his date was booked first then you should have vetoed that date when sorting out availability with your friends. This is on you OP, you’re the one who has messed up, you’re the one who should find a solution that doesn’t make it clear you don’t care about putting him second best.

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 14:30

Is he going away with other people or alone? Does he already have something booked?

newyearsresolurion · 27/04/2025 14:31

He has already booked the holiday right?? AIBU it's too late for him to cancel

faerietales · 27/04/2025 14:31

Of course you're being unreasonable.

newyearsresolurion · 27/04/2025 14:31

YABU

Mylegishangingoff · 27/04/2025 14:31

I can see why your husband feels defensive. You are telling him loud and clear where he stands in your list of priorities.

Radionowhere · 27/04/2025 14:32

Blackdow · 27/04/2025 14:25

The impact is his choices and life being taken over yet again by you and your friends. That he is less important. I actually cannot believe you make him give up something that was clearly a big deal because your friend needed “support.” She has family and other friends, you could have managed to support her while looking after your kids but he lost out on something important, and he actually went along with it. He did that… for you. And look at how you treat him and his plans and his life. Just make him changes it yet again. Stop it. It’s gives and take, not just take.

Show quote history

This.

itsgettingweird · 27/04/2025 14:32

So when dates were discussed did you point out that week wasn’t convenient to you?

Your DH cancelled a long awaited for event to allow you to prioritise your friend over him.

He’s absolutely right to point t that out as a reason he wk t allow him to prioritise you and friends again.

YABVU

CountingDownToSummer · 27/04/2025 14:33

The week that is convenient to your friends is not convenient to you so they either pick a different date or you say you can’t go. It doesn’t need rearranged as it’s not booked so I do think your DH has every right to say it’s on you not him.
Did you really ask your DH not to go to something he had planned to go to for YEARS because your friend needed you? If you did I wouldn’t be complaining about you not being able to go on a girls trip

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/04/2025 14:34

Houseplantsaresoothing · 27/04/2025 14:15

He sounds quite vindictive OP.

I don't think you are being unreasonable if the holiday he currently has booked isn't for another specific event and moving it doesn't inconvenience anyone else he is planning to holiday with.

No he doesn’t. He’s already accommodated a change of plan once. OP’s turn. It’s called give and take.

Ponderingwindow · 27/04/2025 14:34

That week should have already been blocked out because you have a conflict.

AngieBlack · 27/04/2025 14:35

Whyherewego · 27/04/2025 14:16

But the week that is convenient for your friends is not convenient for you (because DH is away)
So is there another week that would work but one of your friends has to ask their DP to change something? Why is it you and your DH who has to change?
Alternatively get a relative to come and mind the kids for a week instead and you both go on your separate hols

Edited

this

you can’t seriously be expecting DH to dance to your tune all the time

godmum56 · 27/04/2025 14:36

YABU. Stoppit.

faerietales · 27/04/2025 14:36

ThisPearlCritic · 27/04/2025 14:14

How? There is no impact to him if he goes a week earlier or later.

Show quote history

You've used up his goodwill by making him cancel his last holiday and miss out on an event for you to "support your friend".

Turneresque · 27/04/2025 14:37

You are the unreasonable one here. Full stop.

FieldInWhichFucksAreGrownIsBarren · 27/04/2025 14:38

As others have said, why on earth did you not say you were unavailable for that week when dates were being discussed because, you know, you can't go then??
I'm also struggling to think what was such an emergency for your friend that your DH had to miss an event that he had planned for, for years. Please do feel free to enlighten us...

pinkdelight · 27/04/2025 14:38

You can't go that week, so they can all go or you arrange another week. With a group of 10, there's always going to be someone who the dates don't work for and this time it's you. After your DH rearranged last time, I can see why he won't this time. It's on you to find another solution if the issue is childcare while you're away (paid or family), or to miss out/rearrange your girls' holiday, which doesn't seem like it has to be this summer if it's related to several events not a particular one. Go in the autumn or for a long weekend when you're actually available.

And if the issue is childcare because you have young DC, then it's just one of those things and can't be expected that you're able to do girls' weeks away, or indeed that your DH can do his own separate holiday although in this case it's already been agreed and booked and makes up for the previous cancellation.

In short, YABU.

IsItSnowing · 27/04/2025 14:40

So he cancelled an important event so you could help out your friend. Then you try to make him change another trip to suit you.
Take a good look at yourself and ask how you’d feel if it were the other way round.
You’re being very unreasonable.

jacks11 · 27/04/2025 14:41

YABU

You aren’t all free that week- your husband is away and so you are not free. He might be able to move it, but he presumably booked that week for a reason? It probably is his preferred week and will inconvenience him to move it.

I think he has already changed his plans for you/your friends once recently- the last time it was an event that was important enough to him that he had planned very far in advance (years, according to you). You felt you need to support your friend, but it was him who made the sacrifice. You don’t seem hugely appreciative of what he did, which would really rankle with me, if I were in his shoes.

If he is digging his heels in when it genuinely, 100% would not make any difference or inconvenience him or require any effort on his part at all, then I think it is a distinct possibility that he feels resentful that he paid the price for your friend’s emergency and perhaps wonders why literally nobody else could be there to support her. But no, it to be you, so he missed out. Now you want him to dance to your tune again and he is saying no, not this time.

Speak to your friends and see if any of the others can move things around- it’s surprising how often people don’t think they can until push comes to shove. Especially true if they think someone else- or in your case, someone else’s husband- will scrabble around trying to make it work-thus saving them the inconvenience of having to engage in the process.

If you and your friends genuinely cannot find a suitable week to go when you are all free, then you either all put it off to a later date, decide to do something else together, or go with the date the majority can go and those that can’t make it sit it out this time.

MatildaTheCat · 27/04/2025 14:42

I think this is a bit more nuanced than ‘he changed his plans last time so no way should he do so again.’

@ThisPearlCritic , what exactly does him moving his week mean? Does it involve other people being inconvenienced? Additional expense? Missing an event? All of these would put you on shaky ground.

If it’s simply, no, I changed last time then I think that sucks. You are a partnership. Life doesn’t always happen in strictly fair order. Could you offer him a token of your gratitude if he will change? No lovely meal out or whatever floats his boat AND most importantly the message that you are hugely appreciative and the fact that you will both get a break away is good for both of you and your relationship.

If he’s saying no purely for the sake of it I’d be very sad and resentful. It’s a slippery slope when a couple play tit for tat.

UnctuousUnicorns · 27/04/2025 14:42

Sounds to me like you think your time is more important than his, OP. 🤔

BlueTitShark · 27/04/2025 14:43

MrsSkylerWhite · 27/04/2025 14:34

No he doesn’t. He’s already accommodated a change of plan once. OP’s turn. It’s called give and take.

Show quote history

Except the give and take shouldn’t be a tit for tat attitude.
Like ‘last hols, I had to rearrange so I’m going to ask you to rearrange this time just because I want to’.

In a marriage, the accommodation happens over a much longer period.
Youd have a point if the OP was ALWAYS pushing him to reorganise his hols. Which is not the case.
Youd have a point if she was NEVER accommodating around his needs. Like around hours he works, picking up the dcs at school, him going away for the day with friends etc etc….

Madness lies in counting points and demanding an exact payback each time he is asked to make an effort (which I agree seems to have been a big ask!).
Rather it feels like he is still resentful of having been asked and of him having said Yes to changing his plans. And he is punishing the OP.

Basically a much bigger and wider problem than what’s in the OP really.