AIBU or is DH’s parenting choice here crap

[NoisyHeating]

NC but long time poster. My washing gets ‘darked on’ sometimes. AIBU or was this not great parenting by DH;

DS 13 had been gaming with DH all evening. I am ill so had gone to bed. 11pm I go to loo and DS still up. His bed linen is on the floor. DH in bed.

I ask how come he’s not in bed (should be lights out 10.30) and he says ‘dad won’t put my bed sheets on’.

I ask DH and he’s basically told DS to help put bed linen on (he’s never had to help with this chore before, DH had stripped the bed earlier then not put the fresh linen back on) and DS has said no, he’s too tired. He is is coming down with the same thing as me and it’s exhausting so I imagine he was a bit whiney. So DH had just left him and gone to bed.

So I know a 13 year old is capable of putting bed linen on but AIU to think that insisting on it for the first time at 11pm at night, when he is coming down with a cold, is tired and he’s never had to do it before is a bit daft? And then is it U that he went to bed? Had I not happened to go to the toilet DS might have stayed up all night or fallen asleep on the sofa.

Or was DH right to put the boundary in and leave him to it if he wouldn’t help.

Context is they are both stubborn and DH has a tendency to talk to DS in a pretty Sergeant Major tone which does tend to result in defiance.

In the end I did it with DS together.

AIBU to think that DH’s parenting was a bit off here and could have resulted in a very tired moody teen today? Setting him up to fail again?

If the bed had been stripped during the day, then it should have been remade (regardless by whom!) before bedtime. If your husband knew he hadn't remade the bed, then he should have ensured it was done before he and your son started gaming. Perhaps asking your son to help at a more acceptable time of the day, would have got your husband a better response!! Of course your son is capable of helping make his own bed, but if he was 'ordered' rather than spoken to, then he probably didn't feel inclined to help! You obviously spoke to him in a better tone, and he obliged. If someone spoke to me in a crappy way, I wouldn't want to help either! Yes, a 13 year old needs to do as they're asked, but there are ways and means of asking in a nicer way.

This!!

Also, they “gamed together” all evening is a big no from me. Sounds like a big man baby.

Your way is much better. Sergeant major parenting just ends up with having a crap relationship with them

For me, putting bed sheets on is an entirely reasonable expectation for a 13 year old. However, this was not the time to instigate that. Very lazy for DH not to have bed ready knowing you guys would be back late and even more so knowing he was coming down with something.

Oh come on, . I said ‘come on let’s get you to bed’ gently and then gently said ‘you do that bit while I do this bit’ then chatted with him
"Gently saying 'come on let's get you to bed' to a 13 yo?! That's mollycoddling in the extreme!

@NoisyHeating ... I'm saying this with kindness and I hope it comes across that way.

If you've been a mumsnet poster for a while you must surely know that it doesn't go well when an OP asks if they've been unreasonable and then when the comments seem to go along the lines "yes probably unreasonable " they do a big drip feed of "here's why I'm not unreasonable. Here's why the other person is worse".

You will also know it doesn't go well when the OP refuses to answer key questions that give context to their story (what chores does your DS do? In what ways is your DH abusive?)

So to be honest you set up a situation here that eas never going to end well and then became passive aggressive and rude when people responded exactly in ways that you must know they'd respond if you've been here long enough to know about washing being darked on.

You've also not at any point acknowledged posters who have nicely told you you might be being unreasonable, and you've not acknowledged that your DS behaved badly or that really you should have supported your DH.

So - and again I say this in the kindest possible way - on this thread alone we've seen: mollycoddling of your son, refusal to take on board other people's opinions, becoming passive aggressive and rude when you get entirely predictable responses, lack of acknowledgement that you or your son might be in the wrong, deflection from this situation when people suggest you're in the wrong and then leaving when it doesn't go your way..

Of course your DH is in the wrong for incidents that are emotionally abusive. But in this instance his patenting certainly wasn't terrible -possibly not perfect (but then whose is?) but definitely not bad.

Despite the divorce, you and he are still going to need to pull together if you don't want your DS to turn out to be an entitled brat (which to be honest seems like a real risk) and that is going to mean you changing your behaviour and approach as well as your DH. He isn't always the one in the wrong.

I agree the 13 year old should be helping to make the beds.

But 10.30pm at night is not the time to do it for the first time!!

Also the DH had clearly prioritised putting his own bed sheets on so why not do the son’s at the same time?

DH clearly was happy to sit on his arse “gaming” for 3 hours with the DS and then all of a sudden he’s demanding “you have to put your bed sheets on” at 10pm when the son is tired and never done it before. It’s never going to work is it.

I can’t believe your take on this is to blame the asleep, ill woman (who incidentally succeeded in getting her son to do the sheets, with a different approach!)

The dad sounds a bit of a dick to be honest.

conversation with both of then once DS is feeling better about how alike and annoying they are and are both old enough not to behave like children

Crap of your Dh, I always put new linen on asap because I know leaving it means going upstairs and expecting to be able to get into bed. However, a 13 year old should be able to do it himself, but Dh leaving it-surely ds had seen it needed doing-is very poor of him.

Not everyone disagreed with her original post. I haven’t read the drip feed and still think the DH was wrong. Asking a teenager at 10pm at night to put on their bed sheets when they never had to do it before and have been allowed to game for 2 or 3 hours is never going to go well.

Why izls this even an issue? Dad and son sent Saturday evening doing a hobby they both enjoy and having fun. What's the problem?

If it had been playing football would that have been OK? Chess? Board games? Watching a film?

At no point did I say everyone disagreed with her. The point I made was about dismissal of opinions that did disagree with her.

Anyone who has been on mumsnet long enough to know about sheets being darked on must also know that if you ask if you've been unreasonable you need to at least consider the opinions of people who say yes you have as well as those that say no you've not

YABU for using 'Darked on'
How old are you 🙄

Oh yes. Talking nicely to your kids is a terrible idea. Especially one with an aggressive, abusive dad whose parents are divorcing. The dad's method worked so well and will result in a great relationship with his son. 🙄
Funny how my adult dc are lovely people despite me being nice to them and not commanding them aggressively as kids.
How you treat your kids is how they end up treating you and other people

@DelphineFox can you link to the post where the OP has given the example of the abuse? Must have missed it!

How you treat your kids is how they end up treating you and other people

which is why teaching a Boy that’s it’s ok to not do a reasonable job when asked because a woman will come along and sort it for him isn’t wise!

Bloody hell! He’s 13 - he can make his own bed. And if he’s too tired to then he’ll have to sleep in the unmade bed - it won’t kill him.
Not great for him to learn that all he has to do is whine and refuse and his unwell mother will get out of bed to do it for him!

Is it top notch parenting? No.

Is it “I need to take this to Mumsnet” bad…also no. No way.

If you want advice on parenting with a partner who has a very different parenting style to yours whilst you are trying to separate, then ask that question instead of nitpicking over this specific (non) issue. This incident is of absolutely no consequence whatsoever.

I’ve got one of these. Barks orders then shouts when they’re not followed. Usually ends up with him walking off muttering/sighing with the thing he was trying to get them to do not done. Rubbish parenting. Seagull parenting in fact…swoops in, makes a lot of noise, upsets everyone then swoops out!

Think it’s pretty easy to see he went to bed because he couldn’t be bothered doing it rather than because it was a teaching moment and 13 is too young to just leave up all night.

I think you should consider what is relevant chores for your 13 year old to be able to do.

Can he use a washing machine?
does he know basic laundry labels?
Cook some basic meals?
Make a sandwich?
Make a cup of tea?
Does.henknow how to vacuum?
Does he support with tidying up?
Does he know table manners?

At 13 he should be starting to support the running of the household. Not saying do it all but certainly able to support and do some. For me making a bed and knowing his bedtime are both something they know before 10.

His abuse has been mentioned multiple times over many of op's posts.

I guess my DH has form for being verbally aggressive and getting into disproportionate rages

parent has form for being regularly aggressive.

I’m living with a DH who can be very explosive and aggressive

I’ve had to take a strong stand against what DH himself has admitted is verbal and emotional abuse

in the context of his aggressive outbursts.

I’m trying to make sure our DC don’t feel on their own with it all (the verbal abuse and aggression) and know it’s not ok.

He’s admitted it’s abusive in the past and promised to work on it.

His behaviour has been witnessed by someone else who called it abusive if that helps?

The aggressive/abusive outbursts are red flags a

He is abusive. His behaviour has been witnessed and labelled abusive. He’s admitted it himself in the past (gone back on that now I’m divorcing him). The people in my life that I’ve spoken to openly have named it abusive.

. The abuse brings out defiance and aggression. He mirrors his dad’s behaviours at these times.

. Through talking more with friends, counsellor and seeing the same pattern happen with DC I realise my DH is verbally and emotionally abusive. Whilst I’m living with him (with his increase in verbal abuse

He can’t have been that ill, if he spent the entire evening gaming?

OP refused to give any concrete examples though.

Exactly. At present it's been aggressive to sk him to help make his own bed rather than 'gently saying 'come on let's get you to bed. And gently let's do this together'...