AIBU or is DH’s parenting choice here crap

[NoisyHeating]

NC but long time poster. My washing gets ‘darked on’ sometimes. AIBU or was this not great parenting by DH;

DS 13 had been gaming with DH all evening. I am ill so had gone to bed. 11pm I go to loo and DS still up. His bed linen is on the floor. DH in bed.

I ask how come he’s not in bed (should be lights out 10.30) and he says ‘dad won’t put my bed sheets on’.

I ask DH and he’s basically told DS to help put bed linen on (he’s never had to help with this chore before, DH had stripped the bed earlier then not put the fresh linen back on) and DS has said no, he’s too tired. He is is coming down with the same thing as me and it’s exhausting so I imagine he was a bit whiney. So DH had just left him and gone to bed.

So I know a 13 year old is capable of putting bed linen on but AIU to think that insisting on it for the first time at 11pm at night, when he is coming down with a cold, is tired and he’s never had to do it before is a bit daft? And then is it U that he went to bed? Had I not happened to go to the toilet DS might have stayed up all night or fallen asleep on the sofa.

Or was DH right to put the boundary in and leave him to it if he wouldn’t help.

Context is they are both stubborn and DH has a tendency to talk to DS in a pretty Sergeant Major tone which does tend to result in defiance.

In the end I did it with DS together.

AIBU to think that DH’s parenting was a bit off here and could have resulted in a very tired moody teen today? Setting him up to fail again?

Ah right. I only read the first few of the OP’s posts.
Thats quite the tedious drip feed, isn’t it.

I don’t need to know your intentions — the outcomes are right there in your posts. A 13-year-old who won’t make his own bed and a parent who enables that whilst using overly emotive language and waffling to herself in overblown therapy speak.

Whatever your intentions were, the result is still bad parenting in this situation.

Can you give some concrete examples of the abusive behaviours and rages?
Name calling, screaming etc.?

Your kid should have been keen to help his Dad put linen onto his own bed. His father had just been gaming with him and your DS was not too tired to game.

Personally, I would have insisted that the bed be made up before the gaming; your son should have been eager to help.

Also 10:30 pm is too late for any teenager. They need more sleep - they need to be trained to go to bed early enough to wake up with the sunlight at about 7:30 am - and trust their natural Melatonin levels to help with going to sleep soon after dark at night..

In the H's position I would have helped him to make the bed, but I can see how this would go either way depending on parenting style. Hence the results of the poll I suppose

Ha! I do that all the time to DH! Strip the bed, wash and dry and fold it all and then when he gets home, Surprise! We have to make the bed back up. Am I supposed to call him and check it's OK?

Why?

Aren’t you lovely.

I suspect this type of "parenting issue" started way, way back when your son was first born. I suspect you and your husband have different ideas of what parenting actually looks like and as time has gone on, you have railed against each other. You going softer and your husband harder because you cannot come to an agreement.

I think this is evident in the fact that a 13 year old won't stop gaming and go to bed, even though he feels poorly and then uses the excuse that his dad won't make his bed for him. How long had he been in the same room as the unmade bed? Had he not been in his room since his dad stripped the bed and noticed it needed doing? He's a mollycoddled baby who knows how to play his mum and dad to his own advantage. What other chores has he actually been taught and how many does he find an excuse for to not have to do? Clearly he can't hate his dad and his ways that much otherwise he would have used coming down with a virus to go to bed and avoid playing games with him.

So you know your DS has a tendency to be defiant towards his dad, and yet you're still not backing up dad when dad reacted calmly and took a "natural consequences" approach, and your DS was unreasonable and defiant with his dad and then manipulative with you?

Nobody (I hope) is excusing episodes of aggression from dad. But this was not one of those episodes.

The only thing that dad (possibly) did wrong here is leaving it until 11pm to sort the bedding. But really that's a minor issue all things considered. (And if they were having fun gaming and he knew your son might be defiant maybe he was wary of stopping the gaming and ending up having a row with your DS rather than having fun)

Moving forwards, if dad is parenting reasonably and non-abusively - even if you don't think he got every detail 100% right - you need to start backing him rather than being so soft on your DS. Your DS is already exploiting this to his own advantage and his dad's disadvantage

Both your DH and DS are in the wrong here. If he was 8 I would have just blamed your DH but your son is 13 he is more than capable of putting some bedding on and if he isn’t that shows that you do far too much for him.

I would suggest taking this situation as a learning point and making your son and DH take on more responsibility around the house.

At that age your DS should be making his own breakfast and lunches, tidying his own room, contributing to shared household chores like taking out the bin and hoovering etc.

Because at present, you have ignored any query as to what you mean by 'abuse' other than he doesn't speak to ds in your softly softly toddler therapy speak.

In which case Dad did exactly the right thing walking away and basically you “you made (or not!) your own bed so lie in it”

if he had stayed it would have ended aggressively from both from what you have said. How would that be a better outcome?

A 13 year old should be capable of putting their own bedding on, mine started doing it themselves from around 10. At 13 i wouldn't expect him to need teaching how to do it, unless he has SEN needs, so yabu imo on this occasion, undermining DH and coddling DS. It sounds like DH asked him to help and only left him to it when he was complaining.

How has he got to 13 though and not ever made his own bed? Ours had to fo their own on residential trips, hence getting them started at 10.

I’m delightful. Also honest. You came here asking if you were being unreasonable. I’m saying ‘yes, very’ and telling you why.

Because context matters and this incident didn’t happen in a vacuum.

I expect your DH is very reactive to the way you treat him too. You believe he's abusive because of the way he speaks to DS, except you weren't there and DH didn't scream and shout. He went to bed and your DS just stayed up like a lemon instead of even trying to make his bed.

You treat him like a lesser parent and give permission to your son to do the same. I'd probably be quite shouty if everyone in my home treated me like that too.

Yeah.. you’re going to struggle when he’s 18 op.

I think the relationship between your son and his Dad can’t be that bad if they were enjoying gaming together, you sound over sensitive to your husbands tone of voice.
In this instance you should have backed your husband.

I’m off now.

Thanks for everyone’s views.

See above posts if you want to know that I’ve listened suitably well.

To those of you that have been unkind - may be have a think. I’m a mum who is trying her best for her DC. I’ve slowly cottoned on to the fact that I’m in an abusive relationship. I grew up with DV so my norms are skewed. Through talking more with friends, counsellor and seeing the same pattern happen with DC I realise my DH is verbally and emotionally abusive. Whilst I’m living with him (with his increase in verbal abuse, mostly via text now, because I’m divorcing him) I am having to navigate how to co parent well. I’m having to notice and then side step my own fight/flight response and make the best decisions I can for DC. I came on to get thoughts on a ‘grey area’ parenting dilemma to gage my thoughts and see if I’m seeing everything through a certain lens.

Other women in abusive relationships may find it helpful to do the same but if people are unkind, they might be put off.

Please try and put views across without being mean. Being robust, clear and challenging is fine but you don’t have to be disrespectful and rude.

So long and thanks for all the fish.

It's a very passive aggressive response from op, firmly putting herself in the victim place in the 'triangle' I see people mention here, (can't remember what it's called!) but seems op firmly has herself as victim, rescuer, DS victim and DH whatever he does (still no examples!) as the aggressor.

I'm talking about the way that you are describing everything. About how gentle you were and how exhausted your son must be, and how he was set up to fail.
That's a lot of drama over Dad not helping (when he did offer) to do something that really isn't hard. You sound like you are talking about a 4 year old child, my 12 year old would laugh at me if treated him like that.

I think at 13, he is old enough to help put his bed linen on, and 'I'm too tired' is a bit of a shit excuse not to do it. It would have taken him two minutes if he'd taken up the offer to work together. And if he was really that tired he would surely have just gone to sleep on an unmade bed for once, not just stayed up until he was rescued.

I think major parenting decisions (what school they go to, when are they allowed to drink alcohol etc) need to be agreed by both parents. But for minor stuff, it's fine to have different approaches. Helping with bed sheets is completely minor. You're talking as if he left him outside without a tent or something. He is 13, that's plenty old enough to put some sheets on a bed, irrespective of time of day.

It sounds like you don't like the way he speaks to your son in general, and that's a different issue

You asked a parenting question, not an abuse support question.

You requested honest views on your parenting choice in a very specific situation. Abuse is serious, of course — but you didn’t mention any of that in your initial posts. People responded to what you actually shared, not what you revealed much later when the responses weren’t going your way.

If the real question was “how do I parent well while living with an abusive partner,” that’s a completely different thread. But that isn’t what you asked — you asked if your DH’s choice in this particular moment was unreasonable.

Trauma doesn’t automatically make someone right in every parenting decision. And it doesn’t mean others are being ‘unkind’ for disagreeing. You asked for views. You got them. Trying to reframe honest disagreement as ‘meanness’ is a way of shutting down the conversation when it isn’t going how you hoped.

OP, sorry you are leaving.

I hope you got some insight/help/clarity on the where the lines lie between DH behaviour and your different parenting styles. If you did, i know it can be difficult to accept. Hopefully, that comes with time and space away from your situation.

But i would make what changes you can now to your own part in this.
Because, with divorce DC behaviour often go through a change. Whether get get quieter, more defiant, more lazy, more challenging, less challenging, - none are good.

Difference in parenting styles are exercebated in abusive situations. So, i hear you, OP.
All the best.