AIBU or is DH’s parenting choice here crap

[NoisyHeating]

NC but long time poster. My washing gets ‘darked on’ sometimes. AIBU or was this not great parenting by DH;

DS 13 had been gaming with DH all evening. I am ill so had gone to bed. 11pm I go to loo and DS still up. His bed linen is on the floor. DH in bed.

I ask how come he’s not in bed (should be lights out 10.30) and he says ‘dad won’t put my bed sheets on’.

I ask DH and he’s basically told DS to help put bed linen on (he’s never had to help with this chore before, DH had stripped the bed earlier then not put the fresh linen back on) and DS has said no, he’s too tired. He is is coming down with the same thing as me and it’s exhausting so I imagine he was a bit whiney. So DH had just left him and gone to bed.

So I know a 13 year old is capable of putting bed linen on but AIU to think that insisting on it for the first time at 11pm at night, when he is coming down with a cold, is tired and he’s never had to do it before is a bit daft? And then is it U that he went to bed? Had I not happened to go to the toilet DS might have stayed up all night or fallen asleep on the sofa.

Or was DH right to put the boundary in and leave him to it if he wouldn’t help.

Context is they are both stubborn and DH has a tendency to talk to DS in a pretty Sergeant Major tone which does tend to result in defiance.

In the end I did it with DS together.

AIBU to think that DH’s parenting was a bit off here and could have resulted in a very tired moody teen today? Setting him up to fail again?

This discussion presents a complex situation that may be challenging for the original poster to navigate. The issues raised include a child’s reluctance to make their bed, compliance challenges with the child, and ongoing marital disputes that indicate unhealthy relationship dynamics. Upon analysing the situation, it appears that the marital discord may be impacting the child’s upbringing.

The original poster appears to be in an abusive relationship and has expressed concern regarding certain behaviours. However, it is reasonable to expect a thirteen-year-old to take responsibility for tasks such as changing their bed sheets.

While it is acknowledged that the father could have approached the situation with greater organization, the son did decline his father's assistance. Furthermore, the original poster has indicated a need to adopt a gentler approach due to the father's harshness. While I understand the dynamics of being the "good cop" versus the "bad cop" in parenting, it is important to recognize that parenting driven by guilt may not yield positive outcomes for the child in the long term.

None of these are examples. They are opinions.

Someone could repeatedly say that someone is always rude, but without an example there is no way of knowing whether they are actually rude or whether the other person is overly sensitive.

Same applies here. The OP hasn't provided any examples. If she doesn't want to, she doesn't have to. But if she's been around mumsnet a while she must know that repeatedly providing an opinion of someone else's behaviour and expecting others to side with you without providing examples isn't going to go well.

One person's 'aggression' can be another person's 'putting boundaries in place'

Other people have labelled it abusive too. I'm not sure what the point of you posting is if someone posts about their dh being aggressive and abusive and your reply is "I don't believe you unless you prove it." Do you ask people to prove everything they write on mumsnet?

Too tired & ill to sort his own bed out but not too tired & ill to be gaming until 11pm? And not be able to at least have a go at doing the sheets etc once he'd been left to his own devices? That's lame for a 13yr old.

I completely get why your husband was annoyed at his refusal but then he was also a bit childish to have stropped off to bed. He should have had the sheets battle much earlier in the evening.

No no reason except he was really tired
But not too tired to help you later...

Stop babying your teenager, you are doing him no favour. Mums like you are the same mum who insist they baby boy can't possibly take on a few hours work a week after sixteen, can't walk to school because it's more than 10 mins, can't cook themselves a simple meal at 18 etc...

His dad asked him to help and he said no, so your husband did the right thing and left him to it. Your 13 years old would have survived the night with no sheet on the bed. It was a good lesson and you totally undermined it by intervening and ironically proving your husband point that your son was indeed well enough to help his parent with putting it on.

If your husband is cool with it, then go for it. If I was away for a few days and got home and my partner announced that I needed to go make the bed, I would not be happy. Doesn't mean I'd sulk or refuse. Just would not be impressed. If I single handedly decide that today is the day I want to change the sheets and my partner is not home, then I would expect to make the bed myself. I expect the same from my partner. If we've spoken "sheets need to be changed, I'll strip it during the day," then doing it together is a fair expectation 🤷🏼‍♀️

I understand what @DeathStare is saying here.

OP has picked this specific incident to ask AIBU and then eventually goes on the claim verbal/emotional abuse…so is this incident an example of what the OP deems emotional abuse?

If it is then there is no emotional abuse here. If there are other examples of DH’s parenting which ARE more inline with verbal/emotional abuse why is OP not asking about those incidents? Why pick this completely innocuous one?

It is very common on MN when an AIBU vote isn’t going the OPs way for a sudden drip feed of much more serious issues to appear. Sometimes that’s genuine and I’m sure sometimes it isn’t. Thinking everyone is lying all the time is not a good way to live your life but trusting anonymous strangers every word is also not ideal. So examples can be useful.

OP, her friends, her counsellor and OP's husband himself previously have agreed that he was abusive. Why is that not enough for you to believe her?

No, but I often ask for context. A thread about coffee, or dirty toilet, or dishes on the side could very well be about an abusive/toxic relationship, and it often turns out it is. Or rarely it’s about misunderstandings or incompatibility (which means the relationship should end , but it’s a completely different situation). Or sometimes the person posting is actually the unreasonable one.

Ah my DH would be at work, not away. Just out of the house and I'm doing some housework.

Wasn't me who asked for examples. And I've said she's under no obligation to provide them.

However I do think she's daft not to expect people to ask for examples - because on mumsnet that's entirely predictable.

That's a lot of safeguarding failures there then, particularly on the part of the counsellor, they know op and a child are being abused abused regularly, and nothing is changing to remove the abuser and they haven't reported to police/ss?

DH was wrong here, but honestly, neither of you have 'taught' a 13 year old to put sheets back on his bed? Really ? It doesn't need to be taught, it's pretty self explanatory.

Well done on divorcing him.
Keep proof of everything.record his verbal abuse of you and your son if you can.
Call the police if there is any aggression.

Counsellors don't report aggression to the police or Social Services.

They may give the skills and support to the OP, to facilitate her doing that herself - but they certainly wouldn't unilaterally report off their own bat.

'Used up all his energy gaming'....

Oh OP 🙈

Was your son just going to sit there until morning, not knowing what to do with the sheets?!
If you hadn't gotten up at 1am & sorted it, would he have just not gone to bed because he didn't know what to do?

Maybe your husband should not have left son with no sheets but you also need to be concerned son has absolutely no initiative to figure things out himself.

(I'm ignoring the coming down with an illness.. you can manage to throw some sheets on a bed to climb into when feeling rough).

Op and others are stating he is abusive. And they do have a duty of care.
From the charity counselling matters....
Counsellors have a duty to report certain situations, primarily to protect individuals and maintain public safety. They are legally obligated to report information about acts of terrorism, drug trafficking, and money laundering. Additionally, they have a professional responsibility to disclose concerns about child abuse, neglect, or vulnerable adults, as well as any serious or imminent risk of harm to self or others.

I was once a member of the BACP.

Verbal aggression would be reported if the client was in denial, or wasn't taking steps to safeguard the child.

Op is in divorce proceedings with her H.

That's concerning the quote I responded to was OP, her friends, her counsellor and OP's husband himself previously have agreed that he was abusive. Why is that not enough for you to believe her? op as the thread went on states her dh is 'horrible, really horrible' to the child, is aggressive, abusive.
You'd as a counsellor hear all that, knowing no imminent plans to remove the child from the abuser, say 'meh, it's on the mum to do something, I mean they'll divorce at some point'....

My view - if somebody leaves the house with a made bed, they should return to a bed they can sleep in not one that's been stripped and not remade. If I lived with someone who did that to my bed while I was away I'd be furious and stand over them whilst they sorted it.

Either your husband should have done the whole job or none of it. He's made unnecessary work and delegated it to your son (different issue to your son needing to learn how to change bed linen at a suitable time of day)

I also don't understand how this happens - unless someone is in poverty or there's an incontinence problem and a lot of bed linen being used there ought to always be spare bed linen.

And even if there's some reason why your husband didn't finish the job, sorting the beds should have been one of the first things the three of you did when you got home. Agree with the others re not starting gaming till this has been sorted.

OP you know the dynamic best. It likely happened that gaming went on to long both were tired and dp put his needs first and spoke harshly. DS hadn't done task before, felt poorly and had been kept up by his dad. He put bed sheets on with you, no issue. I think we know who created the issue. Maybe get ds to get the hang of tasks but feeling rubbish prob faced with unmade bed this is what happened. Yup I'd think DP was an arse.

You would be furious that someone washed your bedding for you? Putting it back on takes all of 5 minutes

Do it back to him
Strip his bed while he's busy gaming
Then fuck off to sleep yourself with a 'terrible headache'.
You will feel much better.
Sleep tight and hope you & DS feel better soon OP ❤️

Just read about the divorce OP, apologies...best wishes and hope it goes smoothly and quickly.

To be clear, I qualified as a counsellor about 20 years ago, and only practiced for 3 years - so I'm drawing on knowledge that may well be out of date.

In my (limited) experience, counsellors would need to act mindfully in terms of 'reporting' disclosures made by women who are in vulnerable circumstances.

Simply because, the most likely outcome would be that women may no longer seek help and make disclosures, rather than children being safeguarded against abuse in the home.

It's a grim truth, unfortunately.