AIBU or is DH’s parenting choice here crap

[NoisyHeating]

NC but long time poster. My washing gets ‘darked on’ sometimes. AIBU or was this not great parenting by DH;

DS 13 had been gaming with DH all evening. I am ill so had gone to bed. 11pm I go to loo and DS still up. His bed linen is on the floor. DH in bed.

I ask how come he’s not in bed (should be lights out 10.30) and he says ‘dad won’t put my bed sheets on’.

I ask DH and he’s basically told DS to help put bed linen on (he’s never had to help with this chore before, DH had stripped the bed earlier then not put the fresh linen back on) and DS has said no, he’s too tired. He is is coming down with the same thing as me and it’s exhausting so I imagine he was a bit whiney. So DH had just left him and gone to bed.

So I know a 13 year old is capable of putting bed linen on but AIU to think that insisting on it for the first time at 11pm at night, when he is coming down with a cold, is tired and he’s never had to do it before is a bit daft? And then is it U that he went to bed? Had I not happened to go to the toilet DS might have stayed up all night or fallen asleep on the sofa.

Or was DH right to put the boundary in and leave him to it if he wouldn’t help.

Context is they are both stubborn and DH has a tendency to talk to DS in a pretty Sergeant Major tone which does tend to result in defiance.

In the end I did it with DS together.

AIBU to think that DH’s parenting was a bit off here and could have resulted in a very tired moody teen today? Setting him up to fail again?

Drip feding will ensure that you only get responses to your most recent posts. That was why I responded in the way I did. Concern for a child, who I have no knowledge of except what you told us about his dad's behaviour.
As it was, you gave no indication that you were divorcing, only that your potential actions were facilitating his behaviour

His dad and him were gaming together.

Still lacked empathy.

And? Did his dad tie him to the chair and glue the controls to his hands? Your son made the choice to keep playing games but then was "too sick" to make his bed. Still your son's choice and responsibility.

But on MN all children make their bed, prepare dinner, clean and are fully independant from the age of 7 so you'd be better asking people around you. I don't know a single 13 year old that make their own bed by themselves but on here it's the norm
I think it’s the opposite. Most mn posters seem to have children who do nothing.

DS sounds like a PITA. Why refuse to help DH but agree to help you, even later and so even more "tired"? He's full of shit.

I think you're all ridiculous for never having had a 13yo make the bed. My 3 and 5yo help.

Regardless its hardly rocket science to put a sheet on a bed and a duvet in a cover. I can't imagine a 13yo actually needs to be shown that.

If you read my posts you will see I’m listening.

I have heard that this incident on its own is a grey area. Votes were 50/50.

I have learned that I might be ‘too soft’ on him and reflected that this might be trying to make up for the way his dad is or might be me trying to keep the peace due to fight/flight.

I’ve come to the conclusion that I need to think about and get some advice about how I manage these ‘grey areas’ whilst getting out. Ordinarily I would need to consider backing DH up in these situations but in in this context that might not be so good.

So that’s my next dilemma having had feedback about bringing too soft and may be contributing to an unhelpful dynamic is how to do that without enabling and strengthening abusive behaviour.

You have no idea how the actual exchange went between DH and DS. He may have asked DS in exactly the same way as you did and got a different response. Happens all the time with kids, and gosh - adults too.
on the face if it DH didn’t do anything wrong and at least he’s trying to teach your DS some life lessons.

True.

OP, i hear you. Honestly, I do.

My previous comments still stand (i have read all your updates).
Hear me out.

Kindly, at 13 years your DS stayed up (and would have stayed up all night according to your OP) because his bed was not made. At 13yrs of age!
This is not about boundaries. This is not about compensating for the other parents behaviour. It is two different issues.

You can compensate for the other parents behaviour while not mollycoddling a child to grow into a teenager that would sit up all night because his bed is not made. Mollycoddling does not equal love.

Though, i do realise in abusive situations as you describe, that we instinctively want to protect our children and make things lighter, brighter and softer. That does not get better with divorce. You then start compensating for 'breaking up' their (DC) home.

Wishing you all the best.

Maybe because of the situation you described before you said you were divorcing.
Difficult to empathise when all you know is that the kid is in a toxic environment

That struck me too, the Dad is a poor sort of sergeant major type if he can't get his son to do this basic task without pushback or complaint. Which makes me wonder at the OP's characterisation of her husband. Just because he is not as 'gentle' as you, does not make him abusive- he may well be but this bed scenario certainly wouldn't stand as Exhibit A

Your dh asked him to help put his sheets on, your ds said no. When you asked your ds why he wasn't in bed he said 'because dad wouldn't put my sheets on ie expecting dad to put the sheets on without son helping.

I'm with your dh on this one. He wanted your son to help and he refused, it was late so he gets to sleep without bedding.

As a pp has said no harm will come from it, but if I asked my ds to help make his bed I wouldn't accept a 'no' from him.

‘I despair of women sometimes’ is unkind and likely to put women off posting here in future. You can state your view in a kinder way and still be very clear.

This.

And a 13 year old who is scared of dad certainly doesn't tell a twisted version of the truth to mum to try to get dad in trouble.

He is abusive. His behaviour has been witnessed and labelled abusive. He’s admitted it himself in the past (gone back on that now I’m divorcing him). The people in my life that I’ve spoken to openly have named it abusive.

No examples of the aggressive behavior that you later mention to know what you mean by that and if it's actually abusive, but in this case about the bedsheets I think you are being very dramatic over something very minor. It sounds like you are really babying your teenager. My 9 year old is capable of making a bed independently. I don't see why a 13 year old would refuse to help, it's really not a difficult task. It was rude of your son to refuse to help, if he's well enough to "game" of course he can put the sheets on, Dad did offer to help. But instead complained to you about Dad, and now you're upset about it like he left a toddler up half the night.

He’s not scared of him. The abuse brings out defiance and aggression. He mirrors his dad’s behaviours at these times.

So. Much. Therapy. Speak.

Honestly, OP, if your DH is genuinely abusive, that should have been your opener — but you didn’t lead with that because on some level you know this wasn’t about abuse, it was about parenting. And frankly, your parenting here is poor. You’ve raised a 13-year-old who doesn’t know how to make his own bed, doesn’t feel it’s his responsibility, and you reinforced that by jumping in to do it for him while blaming your DH.

Whether or not your DH is sometimes too strict, your response is to swing so far the other way that your son is learning helplessness and defiance instead of responsibility. Claiming that making a bed is “physically arduous” at 13 is ridiculous. Your overuse of words like ‘boundaries’ and doesn’t make up for the fact that you’re not actually setting any. Take several steps away from the therapy speak and try some actual self awareness.

This isn’t about backing up your DH or not. It’s about raising your son to be a reasonably self sufficient half-decent human being. We’ve only been given a teeny tiny slice of your life, you’re the only one who can say if you’re doing a good job of that overall.

I wasn’t at all dramatic actually.

You seem very sure that you know my intentions better than I do.

Regardless of what age putting bedsheets on is appropriate, the way you teach anyone something new (let alone a young teen) is to get them to do it with you a few times before you expect them to do it alone. Sounds like DH just couldn’t be bothered and wasn’t actually trying to instil any skills in your son. Going to bed having not resolved it might be okay for a 15 year old, but for a 13 year old is just poor. I’d be really disappointed in DH too.

To be honest, I think they both sound lazy. As bad as each other.

Yes, lazy husband. It's practically the 21st century male playbook. Pathetic.

But a 13 year old, even if never shown, should have been capable of putting on a sheet and pillowcase. Maybe leaving the duvet cover until morning.

I don't think the husband should have stripped the bed while the son was out and not re-do the bed. I would hate to come home and someone handing me a half-finished score without and just telling me to get on with it.

Also, 13yo should make the bed independently and they are at an age where they can figure it out. Sounds like it was more like the battle of wills and he just didn't want to do it.

Obviously there is a lot more going on here.