AIBU or is DH’s parenting choice here crap

[NoisyHeating]

NC but long time poster. My washing gets ‘darked on’ sometimes. AIBU or was this not great parenting by DH;

DS 13 had been gaming with DH all evening. I am ill so had gone to bed. 11pm I go to loo and DS still up. His bed linen is on the floor. DH in bed.

I ask how come he’s not in bed (should be lights out 10.30) and he says ‘dad won’t put my bed sheets on’.

I ask DH and he’s basically told DS to help put bed linen on (he’s never had to help with this chore before, DH had stripped the bed earlier then not put the fresh linen back on) and DS has said no, he’s too tired. He is is coming down with the same thing as me and it’s exhausting so I imagine he was a bit whiney. So DH had just left him and gone to bed.

So I know a 13 year old is capable of putting bed linen on but AIU to think that insisting on it for the first time at 11pm at night, when he is coming down with a cold, is tired and he’s never had to do it before is a bit daft? And then is it U that he went to bed? Had I not happened to go to the toilet DS might have stayed up all night or fallen asleep on the sofa.

Or was DH right to put the boundary in and leave him to it if he wouldn’t help.

Context is they are both stubborn and DH has a tendency to talk to DS in a pretty Sergeant Major tone which does tend to result in defiance.

In the end I did it with DS together.

AIBU to think that DH’s parenting was a bit off here and could have resulted in a very tired moody teen today? Setting him up to fail again?

Yeah. I can see that. Wed got back at 8pm and the DH wanted to game with him. Sheets were off the bed but me and DS didn’t know. So then it was sprung on him last thing when he’s coming down with a virus. I just think it’s setting him up to fail IYSWIM? If we are going to enforce the ‘you make your own bed from now on’ rule then I’d not have done it at this point. It’s about picking your battles for me and this wouldn’t have been the hill I’d die on.

A command is still OK! 'Come on, bedtime, you can help make your bed up.'

Sounds like you mollycoddle Ds a bit too much. Mine all do their own beds by 13 (actually by about 10 with help).

He really can't be that ill if he was able to stay up late gaming.

Thank you. This is my take on it. And then leaving him up while he went to bed just seems wrong to me.

That's very emotive and martyrdom language @NoisyHeating
was sprung on him last thing when he’s coming down with a virus. I just think it’s setting him up to fail IYSWIM?
I mean come on! 'Sprung on him' 'setting him up to fail' 'WE didn't KNOW!!' Do you often create a you and DS vs DH situation?

I'd agree with this if he was a much younger child, but he is 13 not 8/9!

Sounds like you mollycoddle Ds a bit too much. Mine all do their own beds by 13 (actually by about 10 with help).

I must admit this is the feeling I'm getting too from the OPs responses. He's obviously not feeling that unwell but you're making lots of excuse for his behaviour and acting like it was a completely unreasonable request. Your son is 13 not 3.

Why can't a 13 year old put bedding on.

I think he was being defiant because of the way DH speaks to him TBH

First you need to talk to dh about his Sergeant major approach.

I babysat for a couple years ago and the dh spoke to his dc like this, he was a policeman, I've never forgotten. Makes me feel v. uncomfortable when parents bark at their dc.
Your ds will be the same if it's not nipped in the bud.

Because it was 'sprung on' the poor lamb... my 8 yo is not practically independent at this task, just needs a little help with the sheet at times, but none of this level of drama!

I am actually with DH on this. He asked son to help put the bedding on, he refused. His problem there is no sheets on the bed then if he can't help do a little task like that. I would not be pandering to him.
Sounds like son was the lazy one as he was well enough to stay up gaming and doing something fun.
Also does he know that mummy will come along and sort things out? Does he often ignore his dad and you then back the son up?

At 11pm at night for a chore he hasn’t been asked to do before I’d do it together.

The illness thing is irrelevant. He wasn’t so ill he couldn’t stay up gaming was he!

he refused to help so I think your husband was right to just walk away. How long should he have spent trying to persuade him to help?

Well that’s the other thing. Why did DH let him game that long? I think he had used all his energy up gaming and was exhausted and defiant because of their dynamic. DH tends to get angry quickly with him.

If their own bed isn't made at 11 they should have just cracked on and done it.

I think there need to be less excuses made for him.

I think there are three parenting fails here:

1. That a 13 year old can't make his own bed (in fact doesn't do so regularly)

1. That he thinks it's OK to refuse to do a reasonable request that your DH asks of him, and that there not be some level of consequence and back-up from you.

1. That despite being too tired to help his dad make his bed, he managed to stay up and continue gaming.

Sorry, but the problem isn't your DH. It's your DS. And sleeping in an unmade bed for a night wouldn't have killed him. He didn't stay up because he had no bed to sleep in. He stayed up because he wanted to and is now playing you off against your DH.

The idea of a 13 year old never having made their own bed is a bit bizarre. As is the fact that he felt fully justified just leaving it as his Dad wouldn’t do it and apparently needs to be asked to do it ‘gently’.

You know those weaponised incompetent entitled man children who regularly get posted about here? It’s becoming clearer how they come about. You AND your DH ABU. This is awful parenting.

Which is what the DH said.... help. And DS said no.... so mum came to his rescue and told the son he was a poor lamb and his dad was a meany.

@NoisyHeating I think as your son grows and parenting gets harder, it's important to show a united front. Even if you disagree, you should back your DH up and discuss it later. Your DS is just going to learn he doesn't need to listen to dad because mummy says I'm right. And that's a dangerous position to be in! He's happy to spend time with his dad gaming and doing the fun stuff but as soon as it came to chores, you've deemed DS to ill? Nah. You're undermining him.

That really cements that DH will always be wrong and to blame for everything, but don't worry DS as here's Mummy to solve things and tell you it's someone's else fault.....

He stayed up because he wanted to and is now playing you off against your DH

Indeed and from the way the OP is responding with very emotive language and more blaming of DH it's evident that he does this regularly and the OP sides with him.

Making a bed doesn’t require energy. Or ‘help’, for that matter. It’s his own bed, that he’s going to sleep in. Why, in his mind and yours, is sorting that out not his responsibility?

Agree. He refused to help to put his own bedsheets on?? That's v poor and you don't seem to be looking at that at all just dh as baddie.
I wouldn't have left then there but I think yabu at same time. Crazy that he's never even been asked to help before. Does he strip his own bed for washing out of interest?

There was no drama. I just got him to help me and we worked together and he went to bed. I’m just curious if my thinking that DH didn’t make a great choice is unreasonable and it’s 50/50 in the votes.

To be clear, it’s not that I think he shouldn’t do his own bed, it’s how that was set up. DH decided to strip the bed at some point while we were away, then this only became apparent to DS after DH had been gaming with him til 11 at which point he’d have been all hyped up because of gaming and exhausted from trip away and coming down with this virus. I imagine DH was talking in an irritated and cross tone of voice as soon as there was any sign of non compliance and then just left him to his own devices and went to bed.

I think that’s a bit rubbish but it’s helpful to hear other perspectives, thanks.