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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I wasting my 20s on this man?

149 replies

WiseFinch · 26/04/2025 21:44

Looking for advice and shamelessly posting in AIBU for traffic as had nothing from relationships board.

Been with BF for 3 years now. We have an age gap - I was just 20 when we met, he was 28. We’ve been together through my degree and I qualify this year, but I will be making less than half of what he makes currently.

He works away. Always has done. He has a prestigious job which he spent the first half of his 20s working so hard to get. However he goes on lots of holidays, has loads of friends, currently he’s away on another lads trip of which he does about 3 a year. At 31, this is just a bit immature IMHO, given what I’m about to say below. But equally, half of his 20s was spent working/studying so maybe IABU!!

He’s been making good money for a couple of years now and he’s telling me he wants to save for a house deposit, he wants children blah blah. But none of this is coming to fruition. He spends an awful lot of money on date nights for us which I am grateful for, but there’s no real, solid long term plan. The rest of his money is spent on nights out/crap from Amazon/crap he sees on instagram. He’s adamant he will never get married. He knows I want to get married at least before having children - this is a point of contention we need to talk about.

We have a good time together, but I’m sitting on MN on a Saturday night while he is abroad with his mates sending me photos in which he looks happier than he’s ever looked in any photo he’s taken with me. I love him. I want a future with him. I’ve never seen myself having a future with anybody else I’ve dated and I think if we broke up I’d be utterly miserable. And equally, it’s not his fault I’m introverted and skint (as are my friends who are either graduates renting in London or still students).

I have my own plans- I want to do a self build on my parents property (they have land) and live in a multigenerational setup with my own children eventually; while he wants to buy a terraced house in the town his work is based from so he doesn’t have to commute. I don’t know where he fits into my plans. I’m a teacher and my school is 20 minutes away but I spent 2 years commuting as a student with no acknowledgement from him of how hard that might have been for me.

I might be overthinking because we are happy when we are together but this is about twice a week usually. We rarely have sex unless he books a hotel as we’re both living at home. What bugs me is he’s got an excellent job, 100% of his income is disposable, but he’s waiting on me to start working before buying a house. If he thinks I’m going 50/50 with him when I make half what he does, he’s insane.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I should break up with him but I just don’t feel seen- what about what I want for MY future? Sorry this is long. Just a rant really. Would love some mum-style advice (I’m young but I’m on here as I’m a teacher and I’ve had such lovely advice on here before).

I can’t stress how unhappy I believe it would make me to break up, but I need some harsh advice I think of how to move forwards! So AIBU to think he will grow up or does he want to “date” me eternally?!

OP posts:
mumofoneAlonebutokay · 26/04/2025 21:46

Yes, leave him and get yourself to the club to shake your arse xx

alcoholnightmare · 26/04/2025 21:50

He’s not in this for the long haul, I honestly think you are a stepping stone for him until he meets ‘the one’.
sorry x

owlexpress · 26/04/2025 21:51

Umm of course he should wait until you're earning, why should he pay for you to have a house? If you're not married, no kids and relatively early in a relationship then too right it should be 50/50! You sound pretty entitled tbh. You sound very intense for 23, jeez. Break up with him and let him have his freedom.

ForeverPombear · 26/04/2025 21:55

owlexpress · 26/04/2025 21:51

Umm of course he should wait until you're earning, why should he pay for you to have a house? If you're not married, no kids and relatively early in a relationship then too right it should be 50/50! You sound pretty entitled tbh. You sound very intense for 23, jeez. Break up with him and let him have his freedom.

This.

I don't think you two want the same things but he is absolutely right to be waiting for you to have a job before getting a house together.

Dinosweetpea · 26/04/2025 21:56

You aren't on the same page, time to end the relationship.

Gillyyy · 26/04/2025 21:57

It sounds like you want completely different things out of life and don’t seem very compatible. I don’t think he’s the one for you! I would break up as you’re still so young and it doesn’t seem like he makes you feel loved and seen!

Original poster
WiseFinch · 26/04/2025 21:58

owlexpress · 26/04/2025 21:51

Umm of course he should wait until you're earning, why should he pay for you to have a house? If you're not married, no kids and relatively early in a relationship then too right it should be 50/50! You sound pretty entitled tbh. You sound very intense for 23, jeez. Break up with him and let him have his freedom.

Why 50/50 when he makes double my salary? Surely if that was the case it’d be fairer to go 60/30? So we both have the same amount of fun money. Which I’d be happy to do, obviously!

OP posts:
SussexLass87 · 26/04/2025 21:58

A lot of these worries would be easily solved by talking to him.

It doesn't sound like you've sat down and discussed a joint future?

FoxFaceRabbitFish · 26/04/2025 22:02

Sounds like marriage is something you disagree on, and it’s pretty fundamental. If he’s set on not marrying and it’s important to you then I can’t see how this wouldn’t lead to serious conflict/resentment down the line.

Emotionalsupporthamster · 26/04/2025 22:05

You probably do need to bottom out the marriage issue before you get much further. Absolutely do not have children with this man if he doesn’t want to marry first, that would put you in a very vulnerable position.

owlexpress · 26/04/2025 22:08

WiseFinch · 26/04/2025 21:58

Why 50/50 when he makes double my salary? Surely if that was the case it’d be fairer to go 60/30? So we both have the same amount of fun money. Which I’d be happy to do, obviously!

Show quote history

60/30? Hope you're not a maths teacher! These financial decisions are something you need to discuss and agree on, but until and unless you're in a truly committed relationship (e.g. married or with children) I would expect it to be 50/50. 'Fun money'? I think you've been spending too much time on MN. That's for established relationships. At 23 you should be learning to stand on your own two feet and rely on yourself. You're wanting your bf to pay for the majority of a house and your parents to supply land... It doesn't come across well. Your OP also reads a bit whiny. You say your bf is immature, but it sounds like you have some growing up to do yourself. Which is fine, you're very young! What's the rush for the 'traditional' life? Also there's nothing wrong with enjoying your life and going on holidays with your friends in your 30s.

HeatedBlanketAllYear · 26/04/2025 22:09

You have very different plans for the future, you rarely have sex and you disagree on marriage. You don't need us to tell you that you need to leave do you? You’re already compromising your happiness whilst you’re with him.
Let him continue to live his single life and find someone you’re compatible with.

DollydaydreamTheThird · 26/04/2025 22:09

Don't waste your prime on someone who is not as into you as you are them. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Only glad I didn't have kids with him or my life would be very different now! The next man I met actually put me first and wanted the same things I did. If he was the one, he would be spending more time with you and getting the house so you can have quality time together. It really sounds like he wants a part time girlfriend not a partner/wife.
We all know what men get up to when they go away together. Is that the sort of man you want to be with for the rest of your life? I used to say the same the things you are saying about never being able to see myself marrying anyone else blah blah that's because you are young and you haven't met them yet. You can only meet people when you aren't in a relationship with someone. Its your life OP but you've asked for opinions and most on here will tell you to break up with him because a lot of us have been there and regret the time we wasted on someone who wasn't worth it.

meganorks · 26/04/2025 22:11

A few things here. If you are only 23 and have been dating for 3 years, surely there has been little opportunity to see a future with anyone else.

I would assume he means what he says about marriage. He isn't going to marry you. So if that is something you want you will have to leave him eventually.

You seem really young to be buying a property. And personally I wouldn't do it unless I was certain I was going to spend the rest of my life someone. It's just difficult and messy otherwise.

Incidentally, the only person I know adamant he isn't getting married (has kids and a partner) and goes on lots of lads holidays does so because he is a cheater. He doesn't want to get married because he can see a time when he gets found out and it all comes tumbling down. The lads holidays still go on into his 40s. And they cost way more and he goes to way more exciting places than he does with his actual family!

Trallers · 26/04/2025 22:11

I understand why people are saying he should wait for you to have a job before buying a house. But if he envisaged you two being together forever it wouldn't matter to him. That doesn't mean he's done anything wrong of course, so it's arguably sensible. But he's holding back and you have doubts... it sounds like the beginning of one of those relationships that muddles along for 20 years until someone realises they've wasted their best years and their happiness on something mediocre.

Original poster
WiseFinch · 26/04/2025 22:12

DollydaydreamTheThird · 26/04/2025 22:09

Don't waste your prime on someone who is not as into you as you are them. Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. Only glad I didn't have kids with him or my life would be very different now! The next man I met actually put me first and wanted the same things I did. If he was the one, he would be spending more time with you and getting the house so you can have quality time together. It really sounds like he wants a part time girlfriend not a partner/wife.
We all know what men get up to when they go away together. Is that the sort of man you want to be with for the rest of your life? I used to say the same the things you are saying about never being able to see myself marrying anyone else blah blah that's because you are young and you haven't met them yet. You can only meet people when you aren't in a relationship with someone. Its your life OP but you've asked for opinions and most on here will tell you to break up with him because a lot of us have been there and regret the time we wasted on someone who wasn't worth it.

No completely, all opinions are totally appreciated even if it’s not what I want to hear!
I don’t genuinely believe he is scouting for women on these holidays/lads nights. He genuinely loves spending time with other men: like to the point where I’m sure he’d rather go out with his mates than me. Not to meet women, just to do boy stuff I guess? Drink beer and watch football?? I don’t know what men do as I don’t really know any other men!

OP posts:
Neveranynamesleft · 26/04/2025 22:14

Life is far too short for all his nonsense. Put your big girl pants on, move on and find someone who is on the same page as you because he isn't.

owlexpress · 26/04/2025 22:14

@DollydaydreamTheThird absolutely insane take. My DH goes on holidays with his friends and they play golf and drink pints.

Original poster
WiseFinch · 26/04/2025 22:15

I’m sort of looking for advice on what SHOULD my relationship look like in my early 20s? My parents met very young and have been married since they were my age !! So it’s just not an accurate model, I don’t know anybody else who’s been that lucky.
I don’t know if I am being grabby or entitled like other people have said. I don’t know what my life should look like right now. I go to work, I come home, I do my hobby (horse), I go to bed. Rinse and repeat. Is that normal!!

OP posts:
HarpSnail · 26/04/2025 22:15

OP, your post comes across as a weird combination of incredibly passive and also quite critical. He’s 31 and works hard — why on earth do you think going on holidays with his friends is ‘immature’? And, respectfully, no wonder he looks happier on holiday with his friends than with you if, at eight years younger and barely qualified for your career, you’re trying to rush him into building a house on your parents’ land, marrying and and having children in a multi-generational set up when you know that’s not something he wants…?

You want completely different things, you hardly ever have sex, and you’re not happy, sitting resentfully in your parents’ house while he’s away? Why not acknowledge it and end things?

StopStartStop · 26/04/2025 22:17

Not good, OP. You're the steady shag, he has no intention of taking things further.

Sack him, spend some time and energy on yourself, finding out who you are as an adult.

SussexLass87 · 26/04/2025 22:19

WiseFinch · 26/04/2025 22:15

I’m sort of looking for advice on what SHOULD my relationship look like in my early 20s? My parents met very young and have been married since they were my age !! So it’s just not an accurate model, I don’t know anybody else who’s been that lucky.
I don’t know if I am being grabby or entitled like other people have said. I don’t know what my life should look like right now. I go to work, I come home, I do my hobby (horse), I go to bed. Rinse and repeat. Is that normal!!

It should look like you're both on the same page. What that page is, that's up to you both. You might want the fun holidays with friends and together or you might want to settle down and have kids.

What matters is that you both want the same things and are working together for that.

It doesn't sound like you even talk to eachother about these things?

Starling7 · 26/04/2025 22:20

Move out into your own accommodation - even if it's a shared house. Relationships get very stale when you're living together. He's going out to have fun, which used to be you, but now you're part of the furniture because you moved in with him. Stop focusing on his life and focus on yours. If he's the right one, he'll wake up when you move out and start pursuing you again. If he's not then living in your own place will make the break up easier. Trust me, I wasted half a life time focused on partners, when actually people want to be with someone who is focused on their own life.

Glitchymn1 · 26/04/2025 22:20

You need to have a sit down conversation, you are both still very young- not be condescending you may know what you want, I get that but he’s still having fun. He probably isn’t looking for women- he’s got one. I’m just not sure you both want things, at the same time.

Ohnobackagain · 26/04/2025 22:22

@WiseFinch he needs to live away from home and not expect a woman to keep house. Does his Mum do all his washing etc at home? If so, he’ll expect you to take on that role.

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