Am I wasting my 20s on this man?

[WiseFinch]

Looking for advice and shamelessly posting in AIBU for traffic as had nothing from relationships board.

Been with BF for 3 years now. We have an age gap - I was just 20 when we met, he was 28. We’ve been together through my degree and I qualify this year, but I will be making less than half of what he makes currently.

He works away. Always has done. He has a prestigious job which he spent the first half of his 20s working so hard to get. However he goes on lots of holidays, has loads of friends, currently he’s away on another lads trip of which he does about 3 a year. At 31, this is just a bit immature IMHO, given what I’m about to say below. But equally, half of his 20s was spent working/studying so maybe IABU!!

He’s been making good money for a couple of years now and he’s telling me he wants to save for a house deposit, he wants children blah blah. But none of this is coming to fruition. He spends an awful lot of money on date nights for us which I am grateful for, but there’s no real, solid long term plan. The rest of his money is spent on nights out/crap from Amazon/crap he sees on instagram. He’s adamant he will never get married. He knows I want to get married at least before having children - this is a point of contention we need to talk about.

We have a good time together, but I’m sitting on MN on a Saturday night while he is abroad with his mates sending me photos in which he looks happier than he’s ever looked in any photo he’s taken with me. I love him. I want a future with him. I’ve never seen myself having a future with anybody else I’ve dated and I think if we broke up I’d be utterly miserable. And equally, it’s not his fault I’m introverted and skint (as are my friends who are either graduates renting in London or still students).

I have my own plans- I want to do a self build on my parents property (they have land) and live in a multigenerational setup with my own children eventually; while he wants to buy a terraced house in the town his work is based from so he doesn’t have to commute. I don’t know where he fits into my plans. I’m a teacher and my school is 20 minutes away but I spent 2 years commuting as a student with no acknowledgement from him of how hard that might have been for me.

I might be overthinking because we are happy when we are together but this is about twice a week usually. We rarely have sex unless he books a hotel as we’re both living at home. What bugs me is he’s got an excellent job, 100% of his income is disposable, but he’s waiting on me to start working before buying a house. If he thinks I’m going 50/50 with him when I make half what he does, he’s insane.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I should break up with him but I just don’t feel seen- what about what I want for MY future? Sorry this is long. Just a rant really. Would love some mum-style advice (I’m young but I’m on here as I’m a teacher and I’ve had such lovely advice on here before).

I can’t stress how unhappy I believe it would make me to break up, but I need some harsh advice I think of how to move forwards! So AIBU to think he will grow up or does he want to “date” me eternally?!

At 23 I was living with friends in London. I think I had a long distance relationship at the time but that didn’t last. I worked, went out with my friends, had fun, saw my BF most weekends (had a lot of sex).

I wasn’t remotely thinking about settling down / having kids / finding ‘the one’ but then we’re all different.

Are you happy? It doesn’t sound like you are. If not, what would make you happy?

To add - the very fact that you're posting about this and asking the question tells you all you need to know.

You're not happy and you know it.

YABU to think he will change and grow up. Also though, you want different lives in the future. It won't work.

It’s gutting sitting there on your own knowing he’s quite happily off again enjoying himself without you.

He doesn’t take you as a serious prospect sorry and leopards don’t change their spots. In other words he cares much more about himself than he does you.

I know it’s hard but move on and don’t waste anymore of your life on him.

I wish we had mumsnet when I was your age as I stayed far too long in a relationship like this.

Good luck you will be ok 💐

A relationship in your early 20s should be with someone age appropriate and with someone who wants the same things as you and who you have fun with and who you fancy the pants off.

Yes breaking up will be tough - it’s tough for everyone but it’s tougher still to do it 10 years down the line with kids involved.

It sounds like you're the placeholder until he meets The One.

Which i know sounds harsh but it isn't meant to be. Most men will let you know fairly quickly if they're serious about you. I was married 3 years after meeting DH and we'd already bought a house.

I've mentioned this before on here but one of DH's childhood friends was in a steady relationship since university. She wanted to get married, he didn't. They stayed together until she really pressed the issue. Within a year he was engaged to someone else and she was pregnant. They got married soon after the baby. Very harsh for the ex but that's reality.

What do you want it to look like? There’s no normal. I spent my 20s studying for several postgraduate degrees in two different countries, with periods living in Paris and in a commune in the US. I spent a winter working as a caretaker on an otherwise uninhabited island. I’d been with my now-DH since the age of 20, and some of that we did separately and some together. I would never compromise my own life for a relationship. We’re still happily together in our 50s.

Of course they tell you that @owlexpress 😉They aren't all going to phone home and say we've been down to the titty bar every night and nailed a load of underage sex trafficked girls.
Not all men I know but a lot of men.

You want different things. It’s that simple.

You're wasting your time but its clear you don’t want to hear that.

He’s very much living a single life… with you on stand by for hotel sex. I’m sorry OP but it doesn’t sound great.

At your age that's quite a big age gap, though the way you describe what you want from life makes him sound younger and you older. What's the rush? I was 28 when I met my husband and few of my friends met theirs much earlier.

He may be the only man where you felt you could be together long term, but how many were there pre 20? You haven't even qualified and started your first professional job yet - teaching is tough and will need your full commitment in the first couple of years. Not saying you can't also have a love life, but do you really know who you are and what you want as an adult yet? Plus he doesn't sound very committed to you, more like he just wants to keep working and playing hard - while still living at home.

She’s hardly a ‘steady shag’ if they ‘hardly ever have sex’ because they both live with their parents and can apparently only have sex if they book a hotel..?

What's the deal with living on your parent's garden, is that something you'd expect? A lot of men would not be keen to accept that a propos of nothing. You seem to just want an agreeable man to slot into your rather chaste girlhood life rather than particularly wanting a life with him, and compromising with his wishes. Is this realistic? You're quite critical of him for not playing ball but really, why should he?

Well I have compromised on so much so far. I let him go away, I never ever complain about not seeing him cos of work. He’s away so often he wouldn’t spend much time in a house he’d bought anyway. I wouldn’t expect him to pay for my ideal setup- that’d be a me thing. If he wants in he needs to marry me! Which he won’t do! So I feel like I’m comprising enough. He’s rented with every last girlfriend he’s had except me. I could be wrong though!

It does make you wonder if people even RTFT, especially the PP who said the relationship has got stale as they live together..!

At 31 with a good job and active social life im
Sorry to say I don’t think this will end well for you. I have seen this play out before. You’ll get fed up and break up with him, he will play the field for a bit then when the majority of his mates get married and settle down he will choose someone a bit closer in age who he views as good wife material and settle down with her.

I would cut your losses now and focus on doing things you want. If he comes crawling back tell him to sod off.

He's not interested or he would want to be with you, would be frightened you'll leave, would be having a better sex life with you. Would be keen to marry to be sure of you.
You're just handy to have on tap when it suits but he has no intention of settling down with you, He's told you. Believe him. I expect he's got 'other interests' when he's not with you whether that's when he's away with friends or not.
Hang around until he does meet the one, dumps you and marries in 6 months or cut the 'waiting for Godot' period and leave.

@WiseFinch you 'let him' go away and don't complain when he's away because of work..? You sound controlling tbh. If a 31 year old woman was on here saying her DP was getting the hump because she wanted to go on a girls holiday and wait until he was earning to live together rather than pay his rent, she'd be told to dump him.

Tbh, it sounds like he’s spent a long time getting to this point through study etc and now he just wants to kick back and enjoy what’s left of his youth.
I’d suggest you try doing the same! You have more of your youth left than he does, so enjoy some of it - go on holiday, go out with friends, be spontaneous and have fun!

There’s plenty of time to get to the serious ‘life planning’ stuff, and who knows? By then he might have partied himself out and be ready to move to the next phase of his life too.
If he hasn’t, you move on and meet someone new. You’re only 23!!

He's not the one for you, and you're definitely not the one for him. I would call it a day.

I let him go away, I never ever complain about not seeing him cos of work

Not covering yourself in glory here OP.

I’m not even convinced he wants to meet “the one”.

Right now he gets to lead a totally free life and get the girlfriend experience whenever he sees you - which isn’t that often.

He’s showing no intention of wanting to change that. He says he wants children. Many men say this but have no intention of doing the grunt work.

He also doesn’t want to marry you - which he knows you want. It’s likely he might accept having a child with you as long as he doesn’t have to commit or give you any legal protection for (marriage) or do any grunt work and he continues to live his life as he does now.

He doesn’t even come home that often - what kind of parent would he be ? Other than a part time fun one where you do all the hard work.

Think very carefully before tying yourself to this - you would be stupid to do so imo.

See plenty of women stupid enough to fall for it on thread here. Don’t be them.

I remember a 4yr relationship ending for me when I was about 25 and me feeling like there was nothing else out there for me and that my chance for marriage and kids was sailing. Even though, deep down, I knew he did not love me how I wanted to be loved, I just felt maybe that was the best I would get. And I was so wrong as I learned a lot being single for a few yrs mid twenties then meeting my now DH at 28 when I knew more clearly what I wanted and didn’t want.

Like a pp says, the fact that you are asking this, is you listening to a deep down niggle/ wisdom. Be brave and give your life a chance to flourish in another way.

It doesn't sound like you're on the same page at all to be honest. You know he never wants to marry but you do want to, how do you think that's going to be resolved? You see him twice a week and he is happy with that, you're not planning a future together, you both have separate plans.

I'm not saying you should break up with him but don't you think you need to have a serious conversation about where this relationship is going?

If I was you I'd focus on what you want out of life @WiseFinch, it's ok to compromise on some things in relationships but don't totally change who you are/what you want for someone else. You said you are feeling resentful, believe me that would only grow and grow, especially if you do stay together and if you need up having kids etc as I imagine he'd still be wanting to go on all these boys trips leaving you holding the babies. Having kids is really hard even when you have a supportive partner. You are very young though even if you might not feel it. Perhaps someone who has a similar outlook on life would be a better fit.
For context at your age, my hobby was partying and spending time with mates but by the time I got to your boyfriend's age I had grown up a bit. I still like a night out now though in my 40s and your boyf will probably be the same.