Am I wasting my 20s on this man?

[WiseFinch]

Looking for advice and shamelessly posting in AIBU for traffic as had nothing from relationships board.

Been with BF for 3 years now. We have an age gap - I was just 20 when we met, he was 28. We’ve been together through my degree and I qualify this year, but I will be making less than half of what he makes currently.

He works away. Always has done. He has a prestigious job which he spent the first half of his 20s working so hard to get. However he goes on lots of holidays, has loads of friends, currently he’s away on another lads trip of which he does about 3 a year. At 31, this is just a bit immature IMHO, given what I’m about to say below. But equally, half of his 20s was spent working/studying so maybe IABU!!

He’s been making good money for a couple of years now and he’s telling me he wants to save for a house deposit, he wants children blah blah. But none of this is coming to fruition. He spends an awful lot of money on date nights for us which I am grateful for, but there’s no real, solid long term plan. The rest of his money is spent on nights out/crap from Amazon/crap he sees on instagram. He’s adamant he will never get married. He knows I want to get married at least before having children - this is a point of contention we need to talk about.

We have a good time together, but I’m sitting on MN on a Saturday night while he is abroad with his mates sending me photos in which he looks happier than he’s ever looked in any photo he’s taken with me. I love him. I want a future with him. I’ve never seen myself having a future with anybody else I’ve dated and I think if we broke up I’d be utterly miserable. And equally, it’s not his fault I’m introverted and skint (as are my friends who are either graduates renting in London or still students).

I have my own plans- I want to do a self build on my parents property (they have land) and live in a multigenerational setup with my own children eventually; while he wants to buy a terraced house in the town his work is based from so he doesn’t have to commute. I don’t know where he fits into my plans. I’m a teacher and my school is 20 minutes away but I spent 2 years commuting as a student with no acknowledgement from him of how hard that might have been for me.

I might be overthinking because we are happy when we are together but this is about twice a week usually. We rarely have sex unless he books a hotel as we’re both living at home. What bugs me is he’s got an excellent job, 100% of his income is disposable, but he’s waiting on me to start working before buying a house. If he thinks I’m going 50/50 with him when I make half what he does, he’s insane.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I should break up with him but I just don’t feel seen- what about what I want for MY future? Sorry this is long. Just a rant really. Would love some mum-style advice (I’m young but I’m on here as I’m a teacher and I’ve had such lovely advice on here before).

I can’t stress how unhappy I believe it would make me to break up, but I need some harsh advice I think of how to move forwards! So AIBU to think he will grow up or does he want to “date” me eternally?!

You don't actually sound that compatible really.

OP have a listen to Mel Robbin’s podcast on 5 signs of an incompatible relationship, or look at Matthew Hussey’s YouTube channel.

The fact that you’ve written this post shows that you know this relationship isn’t quite right for you or him and maybe it’s time to move on. It’s absolutely fine to want to settle down at your age, not everybody wants to be out clubbing and drinking in their twenties and that is ok. But be careful you recognise who this guy actually is and don’t just focus on trying to mould him into your dream life that he doesn’t share.

So am I right in saying this man is 31, in a high paying job but living at home with his parents and spending all his money on lads holidays, expensive dates with a 23 year old and lads nights out?

No you aren’t compatible. I was dating a 34 year old when I was 21 (makes me feel sick now) and I broke up with him because it was clear he was dating someone so much younger because he was just never, ever going to grow up and get his shit together.

He’s 52 now single but he has kids, never married and still hasn’t got his shit together.

One thing I will say though is at 23 you’ll struggle to find a modern young man who wants to live on your multigenerational family compound. I can’t think of anything worse than living on a property on my ILs land. So that’s something you may well have to be flexible on.

Also don’t have kids with someone who won’t marry you and don’t talk someone into marrying you so you can have kids. Find someone who wants both. If your BF was your age I’d say he might change his mind on marriage but he’s 31. If he wanted to marry you he’d be saying that now.

I had an age gap like this from 18 and we stayed together about 8 years.

I'm really sad I wasted my 20s on him!

OP I think you should expand your own life experiences while you are able to. You say you don't know many men. I understand teaching can be a quite woman heavy profession, and I think your hobby of your house might be too??

Can you perhaps build in more experiences than are for you as a person. Somethings that are a mix of the sexes and were you are building up your own life outside of being in a couple with this guy?

Social meet up groups, volunteering, etc. I understand as an introvert you probably feel taxed already through work but I think expanding your world to encompass more people and experiences is a good thing whether you stay with this guy or not.

Are you from a culture where multi generational living is quite commonplace? This may make it less of a tall order.

He can see friends and go on holidays. Do you do those things too? Do you want to do those things? I could be wrong but it reads like you do your job and go to your horse and the rest of the time you’re at home unless he’s free. Is that what you would be doing anyway? You can’t expect someone else to fill your life up, you need your own stuff too.

You are young to be thinking of settling down but if that’s what you want it seems this man isn’t right for you. He doesn’t invest much time in you and prioritises other things. There’s also a risk the party behaviour won’t settle and you will be posting on five years time- dh wants to do a lads trip the week after my due date, AIBU to not want him to go.

if the relationship is causing you pain then you need to move on.

If I was in your position, I’d end the relationship and work on myself. Save as much as you can whilst living with your parents. Start doing some things that you enjoy, and that you’d like your future husband to be interested in and you’ll meet the right person organically- and he will be what you want and need.
if you’re going live in a self build, start going to shows and fayres on the subject. Mix with people who want to live off their own land, and live a more simple life.

your current partner is a lads lad, and that won’t change. He will be the same when he is 50, and it’s not so cute then.

you deserve to live the life you want to, and have a partner who supports you in that and enjoys the same things - and it’s in your hands to make that happen. There are men out there who live for their family, who want to be with their wife and not go and watch the football - I know as I have one.

This. Every word is true.
Sorry OP, he isn't the one for you. Save yourself some trouble and leave, there is someone better for you.

You’ve only been dating him 3 years and you are only 23!!! Why are you so keen to settle down. He isn’t doing anyth8ng wrong. He isn’t ly8ng to you and he isn’t promising you things he doesn’t mean. It doesn’t sound like you like him that much and that the main reason you don’t want to break up with him is because it will be hard. It’s nearly always hard to break up with people but if a relationship isn’t working then it’s the only thing to do.

Also, I would never suggest someone of his age with a partner of 3 years do anything other than go 50/50 on the mortgage unless everything is very tied down legally.

I also think it’s very unfair on you to resent him going on holidays with his friends.

Bit weird that he’s living at home at his age with so called decent earnings

I’d have left him because of this ages ago

My relationships in my 20’s were living together, hanging out together with each other, with our friends and with our own separate friends etc. living out of each other’s pockets and tearing each others clothes off a lot. We had holidays together and jointly with friends.

I had a very busy social life in my 20’s with DP and friends. Out on a nightly basis really to the pub after work hanging out with friends and pub lunch with colleagues

This sounds a bit like you're both 50 and in a resentful marriage. You're 23 OP, you (1) need to cut the apron strings with your parents and be a bit more independent.

(2) You could volunteer or go in a girly holiday over the summer break. You will NEVER get your 20s back, take some risks and live a little. Im in my 30s and tell my kids about some things i did when i was younger, they can't believe boring old mummy who does school runs and PTA ever did such cool things!

They’re not living together, both still live at home and meet up sometimes at a hotel for sex ?

Except it’s not. They’re not living together?

You are in completely different wavelengths. You seem ready to marry and live in an intergenerational house/land, not many men would be into that. If that's a deal breaker for you, I'd start with that when choosing men to date, why waste your time with men who wouldn't accept that arrangement and/or wouldn't marry?

You're both so young and he's just enjoying his life. It's not immature to travel and have fun with your friends, I did too up to my marriage.

He's not really into you,get that book and it will change the way you see man, I stopped wasting time.

You want different things.
You're asking for advice on MN rather than have a proper open and honest conversation with him.
You seem to be clinging on to an idea of a future rather than emotionally investing in someone who is not investing in you.
You're 23. Play the field.

Oh, you're right. 🙄
Funny, I got the wrong impression from your post OP.
Don't know if that makes it better or worse? 🤔 Either way, you don't seem to be his priority, and his lifestyle and aspirations don't match yours.

What are the positives of this relationship for you, as you don't appear to have mentioned any.

I got engaged when I was 23 and married when I was 24. I met my DH and fell in love with him so it felt right. And still does.
Don't settle. Get yourself out there and live your life. The right person for you won't have you questioning things. In my 20s I questioned everything from career moves to travelling but the one thing I never questioned was my DH. When it's right it's right. You can't really put a word to it, you really do just know.

You are trying to fit a square peg in a round hole. It won’t work so you’d be better off accepting that and cutting your losses.

I would also say be careful having such set ideas on your future like building a home on your parents land. You might meet someone who does want to do that, but what if you don’t. Will you compromise or will you end up with someone you are less compatible with because they’ll go along your plans.

You are so young though and really shouldn’t be in a rush to settle down, you have time to meet someone better.

Ugh, just reading this is giving me hideous memories of an acrimonious divorce in my circle. Another horsey girl who could only afford to keep being horsey by forcing an intergenerational living situation on her (now-ex) husband. Look, this isn’t the guy for you, he’s told you that. You also need to be honest with yourself that a 23 year old who never wants to leave their parents land but wants someone else to fund building them a house so they have to live on top of their in-laws and you can carry on being pony girl will be attractive to about 0.1% of the male population. Sorry, but there it is.

If you can't talk to him about any of these things i.e. future plans, financial values etc. then that's the problem that you have here.

I know a lot of colleagues who have partners living in different places. I don't think it's uncommon in your 20s because you're trying to build careers and these take you different places.

But I think you need to have a time limit In your mind, as what you don't want to do is run out of time if you want children.

I think unfortunately if you are an introvert then you are probably using up your social battery on the two times you see each other a week, but actually you should try and go out and have some fun.

you’re thinking about exactly the right things at exactly the right time.
It’s time to let this relationship go as you want different things from life. It’ll be tough, but in time you will look back on it and feel proud of yourself. At 23 don’t compromise on your future.
you can do this!