Am I wasting my 20s on this man?

[WiseFinch]

Looking for advice and shamelessly posting in AIBU for traffic as had nothing from relationships board.

Been with BF for 3 years now. We have an age gap - I was just 20 when we met, he was 28. We’ve been together through my degree and I qualify this year, but I will be making less than half of what he makes currently.

He works away. Always has done. He has a prestigious job which he spent the first half of his 20s working so hard to get. However he goes on lots of holidays, has loads of friends, currently he’s away on another lads trip of which he does about 3 a year. At 31, this is just a bit immature IMHO, given what I’m about to say below. But equally, half of his 20s was spent working/studying so maybe IABU!!

He’s been making good money for a couple of years now and he’s telling me he wants to save for a house deposit, he wants children blah blah. But none of this is coming to fruition. He spends an awful lot of money on date nights for us which I am grateful for, but there’s no real, solid long term plan. The rest of his money is spent on nights out/crap from Amazon/crap he sees on instagram. He’s adamant he will never get married. He knows I want to get married at least before having children - this is a point of contention we need to talk about.

We have a good time together, but I’m sitting on MN on a Saturday night while he is abroad with his mates sending me photos in which he looks happier than he’s ever looked in any photo he’s taken with me. I love him. I want a future with him. I’ve never seen myself having a future with anybody else I’ve dated and I think if we broke up I’d be utterly miserable. And equally, it’s not his fault I’m introverted and skint (as are my friends who are either graduates renting in London or still students).

I have my own plans- I want to do a self build on my parents property (they have land) and live in a multigenerational setup with my own children eventually; while he wants to buy a terraced house in the town his work is based from so he doesn’t have to commute. I don’t know where he fits into my plans. I’m a teacher and my school is 20 minutes away but I spent 2 years commuting as a student with no acknowledgement from him of how hard that might have been for me.

I might be overthinking because we are happy when we are together but this is about twice a week usually. We rarely have sex unless he books a hotel as we’re both living at home. What bugs me is he’s got an excellent job, 100% of his income is disposable, but he’s waiting on me to start working before buying a house. If he thinks I’m going 50/50 with him when I make half what he does, he’s insane.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I should break up with him but I just don’t feel seen- what about what I want for MY future? Sorry this is long. Just a rant really. Would love some mum-style advice (I’m young but I’m on here as I’m a teacher and I’ve had such lovely advice on here before).

I can’t stress how unhappy I believe it would make me to break up, but I need some harsh advice I think of how to move forwards! So AIBU to think he will grow up or does he want to “date” me eternally?!

The thing is you say "if he thinks I'm going 50/50 with him when I make half what he does, he's insane" yet if you did get married and then got divorced you'd certainly want 50/50 then wouldn't you!

I don't blame him in the slightest, the UK laws on marriage are so unfair to men it's a scandal and thankfully men and especially young men are waking up to the fact.

However, once in a relationship those girls and boys holidays should come to an end if they still continue the you're not ready for a relationship so time to call this a day and look for another sucker I think.

You are clearly not compatible long term. He is adamant that he doesn’t want to get married, you are adamant that you do. You want to build on your parents’ land, he wants a terrace house in the city. These are huge things to compromise on and I would suggest that you might as well call it quits now. I think you are actually a bit unreasonable suggesting that he needs to “grow up” - he is a grown up, it’s just that his version of being grown up doesn’t match yours.

You say you’ve never seen yourself having a future with anyone else that you’ve dated, but you were 20 when you got together with this guy. That’s really too young to have given anyone else a chance.

He's adamant he will never marry but he wants to put your income on the mortgage to let him move out from mum and dad's to a nice house? Fuck that.

It sounds like you have a fairly clear idea of how you would like the future of your relationship to look. If you're at the stage where you're seriously considering if you are "wasting your time" with him, then you have nothing to lose by laying your cards on the table, and being clear with him about what your expectations are.

If being married before having children is important to you (and it should be), then you need to find out sooner rather than later if he is serious about never getting married, because if he is, then he's not the one for you.

The idea of building a home on land owned by your DP sounds lovely, but can you see why it might not be as appealing for your partner?

Relationships require compromise, but it's perfectly acceptable to have some non-negotiables too. From what you've told us, one of yours is getting married, and one of his is likely not living next door to his future PILs!

Have a proper sit down conversation with him, air it all out and find out exactly where you both stand on these big issues. Only then will you be able to decide whether you are "wasting your 20's" with him.

I don't think you're 'wasting your 20s' on him, you're 23 they've barely got started. But you fundamentally want different futures. There isn't a way for you to be married and not married, living in your parents garden and living in his town. Unless there are big compromises that you're both genuinely happy to make, the ultimately the relationship doesn't have a future. Which is fine at 23, because it's incredibly young still, but it doesn't really sound like it's even working for you at the moment. You sound quite controlling, you guys arent really shagging. It's probably better for you both to say goodbye now.

does he ever arrange for you and him to go on a break together abroad? Or does he go solely with mates only? Do you ever go holiday together at all? You say you’re sat on mumsnet on sat night while hes having a blast with his mates. Where are your mates, having a bf doesn’t mean you have stay in if he’s busy. Meet up with some girlfriends

he wants a home with you but you wont pay half?

you sound like a gold digger

I mean, if you have to ask...

It sounds utterly one sided

He's basically single, really

Get out of this relationship, fast and now. You will never EVER have your twenties back. Ever. You will regret it and as many have mentioned, the fact you even ask, is a problem. He is in a different place and doesn't sound like he is maturing with it. Don't buy a house, go somewhere, see things and then find the fella, who you will really love, that you wouldn't even consider asking a will I, won't I question on mumsnet about 😍

This. And that multi generational set up you have in mind might well put him off the thought of marriage.

You both want different things in your life, from what you say you are not compatible with him.

He won't change into something you think he ought to be, this is who he is.

Sorry OP but I'm, with other PP, best move on so you can both find happiness with other people, it is unlikely you will find that together.

He's enjoying himself - good for him. He's obviously not the right one for you as you have different ideas about life. So I'd say, yes - you are wasting time waiting for him to turn into something he's not.

You 'let him' go away?! I don't think that's a helpful attitude to have really. If he wants to go with his friends, you can tell him you're not happy about it but you can't stop him.

The fact you are even asking the question kind of says it all, plus what you have said here. End things with him and move on. You deserve better.

It sounds like you the one right now not The one to him. Also there’s a lot of incompatibility here- where you envisage to live, etc.

He's said he doesn't want to get married, he either means to YOU or at all. Believe what he said. He's not even gagging to have sex with you. You can do better.

I’d finish it. You sound like really hard work and tbh, for someone in their early 20s, really uptight and not much fun. You’re clearly not suited to each other.

This is great advice and just what I was going to say. Get busy developing yourself and an independent life. When do you see your own friends or do anything fun? This relationship isn't going anywhere as you are incompatible.

Spend a few years being single! Stop trying to convince yourself this man is The One. He’s not. Find yourself before you find a life partner. Hankering after marriage and babies at 23 is tragic. Go and have some fun with your friends and stop wishing your life away. There’s so much more to life than settling down, especially at your age.

To be honest dear… you are right. No matter how hard you work and how much money you earn, you will always do more work than him to keep life at home comfortable for him and eventually, if he agrees to children, his offspring. You would be doing 12 hours shifts and the more you do, the less and less he will help: you will be providing him with the free time for his hobbies.

Equality between men and women is not yet fully there, very very few couples really achieve it. Believe me, if you are going to be his cleaner, PA, mum and the mother of his children, the least you should expect is that they contribute more into the household financial pot. If women were actually earning as much as men do doing the same job and men were actually doing as much as women do at home, yeah then have each party for their own expenses is ok, but as a society we have not got there yet.

You say “there’s no real, solid long term plan” so I would say, yes, you are wasting your time with him, from what you say, he has a job that pays enough for him to leave independently, yet he is still living with his parents and using his salary as pocket money. He wants to start saving for a house? Why hasn’t he started already? There’s a manchild flag there, a big one.

Leave him and fund a man who will marry you.

Leave him and find a man who will marry you

He is not going to get more into you. That just doesn’t happen. I think you want different things from life. I also think you are very focused on settling down at a young age. You call meeting and marrying someone very young as getting ‘lucky’. It isn’t necessarily. My two friends who got married very young are both divorced. They are on their second marriages now and are much happier.

But he doesn't want to get married, and he's been upfront with you about this. Why are you expecting him to change his mind?

You obviously want wildly different things so what's the point?