Am I wasting my 20s on this man?

[WiseFinch]

Looking for advice and shamelessly posting in AIBU for traffic as had nothing from relationships board.

Been with BF for 3 years now. We have an age gap - I was just 20 when we met, he was 28. We’ve been together through my degree and I qualify this year, but I will be making less than half of what he makes currently.

He works away. Always has done. He has a prestigious job which he spent the first half of his 20s working so hard to get. However he goes on lots of holidays, has loads of friends, currently he’s away on another lads trip of which he does about 3 a year. At 31, this is just a bit immature IMHO, given what I’m about to say below. But equally, half of his 20s was spent working/studying so maybe IABU!!

He’s been making good money for a couple of years now and he’s telling me he wants to save for a house deposit, he wants children blah blah. But none of this is coming to fruition. He spends an awful lot of money on date nights for us which I am grateful for, but there’s no real, solid long term plan. The rest of his money is spent on nights out/crap from Amazon/crap he sees on instagram. He’s adamant he will never get married. He knows I want to get married at least before having children - this is a point of contention we need to talk about.

We have a good time together, but I’m sitting on MN on a Saturday night while he is abroad with his mates sending me photos in which he looks happier than he’s ever looked in any photo he’s taken with me. I love him. I want a future with him. I’ve never seen myself having a future with anybody else I’ve dated and I think if we broke up I’d be utterly miserable. And equally, it’s not his fault I’m introverted and skint (as are my friends who are either graduates renting in London or still students).

I have my own plans- I want to do a self build on my parents property (they have land) and live in a multigenerational setup with my own children eventually; while he wants to buy a terraced house in the town his work is based from so he doesn’t have to commute. I don’t know where he fits into my plans. I’m a teacher and my school is 20 minutes away but I spent 2 years commuting as a student with no acknowledgement from him of how hard that might have been for me.

I might be overthinking because we are happy when we are together but this is about twice a week usually. We rarely have sex unless he books a hotel as we’re both living at home. What bugs me is he’s got an excellent job, 100% of his income is disposable, but he’s waiting on me to start working before buying a house. If he thinks I’m going 50/50 with him when I make half what he does, he’s insane.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I should break up with him but I just don’t feel seen- what about what I want for MY future? Sorry this is long. Just a rant really. Would love some mum-style advice (I’m young but I’m on here as I’m a teacher and I’ve had such lovely advice on here before).

I can’t stress how unhappy I believe it would make me to break up, but I need some harsh advice I think of how to move forwards! So AIBU to think he will grow up or does he want to “date” me eternally?!

If you have to ask the question, the answer is usually yes. Get out while you can.

My sons didn't settle down until mid thirties. Before that it was a long slog at university. Then career path. They had some lovely girlfriends but mates and having fun were important.

Frequent holidays, snow in the winter, sun in the summer. They both lived abroad for a few years.

Eldest met his wife at 33 married 18 months later. Babies came along. Second son was 33 when he met his wife, marriage and a baby within two years.

@WiseFinch your boyfriend is against marriage. My sons never were but they wanted fun before they settled down.

You deserve some fun once university finishes. You're alone five days a week. Stop waiting around. Build a life for yourself, be happy, silly, for a while. You're worth it.

Too much like hard work
You are 23
Move on
Try a few more frogs before you hit on a prince

You want to leave him, or you would not be here.
Your in love with what he could have been not who he is.

I give you permission to leave him.

OP, it sounds like you already know this relationship isn’t working. You’re still so young, and this stage of a relationship should feel exciting, like you’re both imagining a shared future and working towards it together — that’s not the impression you’re giving of it at all; in fact it sounds like it’s making you really sad (and he sounds like a bit of a man-child who’s clearly hedging his bets). I had a BF like this in my mid-20s - he simply wasn’t ready for the kind of commitment I wanted (not just marriage and kids, but also knowing where I stood) so I ended it. Met my wonderful DH a year later and he’s everything I could want in a partner. You deserve that too, don’t settle for less!

Dear OP, if he was ready to settle down with you, he would be discussing doing so. With you. In a location that suited both. You'd be going away together or reducing his trips to spend time together. You're not letting him do anything or compromising. He's doing what he wishes. I think you need to grow up, spread your wings a bit and stop hoping this man will mould into your convenient plans.

It's not all bad, it's fine to want different things, or at different times. But the way to being hurt is expecting your parents' relationship in your parents ' house with your pony in the background, with a man who instead wants to be away partying. Better to wish him well and move on.

You're incompatible. You want different things that can't be squared. The relationship isn't going to work, and you should end it.

If you really want this multigenerational parents' land setup, you will have to accept that that is going to rule out a lot of possible partners who would hate that with a fiery burning passion. Honestly, it sounds like you would benefit a lot from getting out of your parents' house and having some independence and some fun. You're very rigid and a bit sheltered.

Catsbreakfast

If you have to ask the question, the answer is usually yes. Get out while you can.
This, also if you’re calling his interests crap you’re both just different people. I don’t agree with the rule on mn that there’s a set route in life, that people have to adult a certain way, but if you do then you need to be with someone who wants that.

He’s not that into you; and even if he suddenly becomes really into you he isn’t a man you want as a father figure to your children.
you have plenty of time. Focus on your career and when your life and career are in the right place for family decide if he’s part of that picture.

She didn't say she wants him to buy her a house now, she is saying for someone who is already earning good money and claims to want to start saving for buying a house in the future he is not shaking the financial discipline and maturity required and is spending money frivolously and she is right to be concerned about what that means for their future.

I do agree they should split up because they are not on the same page, too many issues or contention which will require one person to give in and have resentment, and unfortunately it's not likely OP who will have to give up her dreams for his.

She wants to get married he is adamant he doesn't, she wants to build a house on her parents land he wants to buy a house elsewhere etc.

There is no 'should' - your life is your own! However, at 23, I had just met DH, (a year older than me). We both lived with our parents for the majority of our twenties, we saved for a house deposit, built our careers, and did a lot of backpacking/travelling. We talked pretty early on about what we wanted - we were both on the same page regarding marriage and children. Engaged at 27, bought a house at 28 and married at 29, three years later (and a lot more travelling) we have our first baby on the way. I wouldn't change a thing.

In your position, I would be looking to move on. It really doesn't seem like you are on the same page, either regarding your future together or regarding your life stages - he is already established in his career, financially secure and with plenty of disposable income. It doesn't sound like he is wanting to settle down anytime soon and it's unfair to expect him to subsidise you when there's no marriage or children involved.

It just sounds like you want different things. You are allowed to have non-negotiables and it sounds like marriage is a priority for you, but isn’t for him.

You either make peace with that or you leave. Do not make the mistake of trying to persuade him/ guilt trip him into a marriage he doesn’t want. You will have a really shitty marriage full of resentment.

It all sounds a bit intense and not very fun? I’m a boring old lady in my 30s now but me and my DH are still best friends, have a laugh and don’t take life too seriously.

Also, don’t settle for shit sex/ a sexless relationship. You are too young for this BS!

That's a good point. Make it 'the occasional shag'. My feeling was, she's on the back-burner for when he's got nothing else doing.

You dont have a connection.

Imagine being 23!!

OP, you have so much time - don't settle for someone you are unsure about. Also, it's good to have a partner / husband with money / career / prospects, but it's all for naught if he's tight in sharing.

It's great that you know what you want in life, many people don't work that out until they're much older, and sometimes too late. You just need someone now to live your best life with, who is 100% committed to you and building a life with you, that you're happy with. You'll be kicking yourself if you don't.

Bresk-ups can be sad and hard at first. Much less so than wasting years of your life though x

You want to get married and live with your parents - I would say he is very clearly not the one for you

You’re 23, which is still very young and you need to live a little before you get bogged down with the life plans you mention. There’s plenty of time for them and he clearly isn’t interested in any kind of serious relationship with you.
Get rid and have some fun.

"I let him go away, I never ever complain about not seeing him cos of work. He’s away so often he wouldn’t spend much time in a house he’d bought anyway. "

You let him? You're a gf, not his guardian or parent. That's controlling.

He is into traveling and experience and doesn't plan on marrying. You want to settle down and live on your parents' land. The two of you want different things and sound really incompatible.

I think you're going to find quite a few adult men are not going to want to live in their in laws' pocket on their land. That's a red flag that you're enmeshed with your parents.

You may have been seeing him 3 years but in fact the stage you are at now, is that you are both still living at home and he takes you out twice a week on expensive dates, sometimes for overnights.
He doesn’t want to get married and has made no commitment to you, but you want marriage and babies.
He wants to live close to his work, you want to live in your parent’s garden.
He wants to spend his money on himself, while you are skint.
He enjoys lads nights/weekends while you stay home and wait for him.
He would buy a house if you go 50/50 on the mortgage, you don’t agree you should pay 50/50.

You are definitely NBU to think you are wasting your time on him.
You are a bit ahead of yourself OP. He shows no sign of settling down and why should he. So yes, your instinct is correct.
I think you need to develop a bit more independence and not be so reliant and attached to him. He’s out living his life while you sit home waiting.
Don’t be waiting any longer. Give yourself chance to find somebody you are more aligned with.

He has repeatedly told you he doesn't want to get married, you want marriage, children and to self build on your parents' land (you won't find many up for that close proximity to ILs even if they do want a family life).
You're 23 and his girlfriend you should be supporting yourself not expecting him to, especially when he doesn't even want the same things in life as you.

I dated a man like this.

He worked and did sport and travelled. He fit me in when he could. I never felt a priority in his life, just a add on.

I broke up with him when I was 26. Cried lots and then moved on. Later he wanted to get back together but by then I had another boyfriend.

Don't waste your time. You cannot see past the breakup but once you have torn off the sticky plaster, there is a whole new world out there of men who are more suitable and who will love you for who you are.

Can you imagine the financial mess if you built a house with him on your parents' land, then you split up - if you were unable to buy him out then the house would need to be sold - and there would be strangers living in your parents' garden !!!

He has already told you he doesn't want to get married, to you.

Listen to his words.

why is he living at home, why hasn't he rented somewhere ? as he clearly rented before with previous partners, tho I am quite sure he doesn't need help with the rent he can afford that himself !
or is he living at home so he can save up a large deposit.

Let him buy his terraced house, he may have you to stay over for sex.

You want completely different things so move on.

You may want to consider letting your hair down a bit before settling down. You may also find any future partner has Views about living your multi-gen family.

@WiseFinch

To be completely blunt, because you asked...yes...you very much are wasting your 20s on this bloke.

You clearly want opposite things in life & are in very different places. You could hang on in the vain hope that he comes around, but by then, you'll be in deeper & will have potentially lost prime fertility years, which is a big deal if you want children.

Much as you think it'll hurt to split now, it'll be far better in the long run. Take it from one who knows. I finally called time on a similar relationship much too late & although I went on to meet my wonderful husband, my fertility was already declining & we were ultimately only able to have 1 child, after a lot of difficulty. It's not until you're in a healthy, well matched relationship that you realise actually how unhappy & unfulfilled you were before.