Am I wasting my 20s on this man?

[WiseFinch]

Looking for advice and shamelessly posting in AIBU for traffic as had nothing from relationships board.

Been with BF for 3 years now. We have an age gap - I was just 20 when we met, he was 28. We’ve been together through my degree and I qualify this year, but I will be making less than half of what he makes currently.

He works away. Always has done. He has a prestigious job which he spent the first half of his 20s working so hard to get. However he goes on lots of holidays, has loads of friends, currently he’s away on another lads trip of which he does about 3 a year. At 31, this is just a bit immature IMHO, given what I’m about to say below. But equally, half of his 20s was spent working/studying so maybe IABU!!

He’s been making good money for a couple of years now and he’s telling me he wants to save for a house deposit, he wants children blah blah. But none of this is coming to fruition. He spends an awful lot of money on date nights for us which I am grateful for, but there’s no real, solid long term plan. The rest of his money is spent on nights out/crap from Amazon/crap he sees on instagram. He’s adamant he will never get married. He knows I want to get married at least before having children - this is a point of contention we need to talk about.

We have a good time together, but I’m sitting on MN on a Saturday night while he is abroad with his mates sending me photos in which he looks happier than he’s ever looked in any photo he’s taken with me. I love him. I want a future with him. I’ve never seen myself having a future with anybody else I’ve dated and I think if we broke up I’d be utterly miserable. And equally, it’s not his fault I’m introverted and skint (as are my friends who are either graduates renting in London or still students).

I have my own plans- I want to do a self build on my parents property (they have land) and live in a multigenerational setup with my own children eventually; while he wants to buy a terraced house in the town his work is based from so he doesn’t have to commute. I don’t know where he fits into my plans. I’m a teacher and my school is 20 minutes away but I spent 2 years commuting as a student with no acknowledgement from him of how hard that might have been for me.

I might be overthinking because we are happy when we are together but this is about twice a week usually. We rarely have sex unless he books a hotel as we’re both living at home. What bugs me is he’s got an excellent job, 100% of his income is disposable, but he’s waiting on me to start working before buying a house. If he thinks I’m going 50/50 with him when I make half what he does, he’s insane.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t think I should break up with him but I just don’t feel seen- what about what I want for MY future? Sorry this is long. Just a rant really. Would love some mum-style advice (I’m young but I’m on here as I’m a teacher and I’ve had such lovely advice on here before).

I can’t stress how unhappy I believe it would make me to break up, but I need some harsh advice I think of how to move forwards! So AIBU to think he will grow up or does he want to “date” me eternally?!

You’re 23 you should be enjoying yourself as you find your husband. Instead you’re locked into this thing with this man and there is no future in it

Okay - I'm from an older generation. I married in the 1990s. Tinder was something we used for starting fires in those days. But I met my husband through his female flatmate - I'd gone to university with her and I met her because her father was my high school chemistry teacher. We were friends for a few years - we were seeing other people. When we were both single we started going out in our mid-late twenties - he is three years older than me. We were both "qualified" in our professions and I earned a bit more.

I shared that my plan was to buy a house and had been saving for it and had inherited a little bit of money from my uncle. He said he wanted to buy with me. We were living together at this stage and I told him he'd better start saving some money if he wanted to buy with me. I told him that marriage was my end game and as far as I was concerned living together was to see whether you were compatible before marriage rather than instead of marriage. Marriage at that stage wasn't important to him but he worked out pretty quickly that to keep me it was marriage or nothing. He went through a full religious ceremony in my faith. He wasn't that keen on children but I said that was a deal breaker for me. He said he'd rather have me and children than no me. We were engaged within a year or so and had a rather long engagement - I had visions of a summer wedding and we bought a house during that time. (It poured down during our summer wedding!) We both put money into buying the house although my greater contribution was recognised (in legal terms). To be brutally honest, I would not have bought a house with him if he wasn't contributing but we were fairly close in age. We took holidays together. In the first year we went to Bali.

My husband worked abroad quite a bit or in remote locations miles from anywhere in the early days. We did spend a lot of time together when he was back - he gave up a couple of hobbies to do that. (He kept other interests.) We do have two "grown up" children. I might have gone for a third but he was absolutely adamant we shouldn't and, in retrospect, he was right. We are financially secure with a lovely large detached house in a leafy suburb. He was very supportive of my career. He is crazy abut golf but has never played during the weekends as he saw this as time we spent together or in the earlier days with the children. He has never been on a "lad's holiday" unless you count time spent on remote research locations which are heavily male.

I am thinking though if your DP wants a girlfriend who is 8 years younger he might have to make some fiscal sacrifices. The thing is though I am not seeing him making any sacrifices or compromises at all. You don't seem to see each other very frequently and it has not got more frequent. I am sorry but I don't think he is the one and you certainly shouldn't waste your twenties on him. Apart from anything else, it sounds like your aims are completely at odds.

Several of my friends wasted their twenties on men like this by the way - generally speaking they break up with the old faithful girlfriend some six or seven years in, marry sombody else shortly afterwards with children following quite closely. Meanwhile, the former girlfriend is left shell shocked that she has been so easily replaced and he has seemingly almost instantly got over his aversion to marriage and chidlren.

Incidentally, I only met my husband because I stopped going out with a chap who was similarly not keen on marriage and commitment. Incidentally, I was young, financiallly very sound, commonly seen as very attractive, well educated, nice, accommodating and a total doormat. He still didn't want to marry me. My father, a rather worldly man in some respects, took me aside and talked to me. He said, "Yellow, is there any sign that he is moving towards planning to marry you?" I had to admit there wasn't and Daddy told me in that case I should cut my losses.

So don't waste your twenties on him! Run!

I hope you read this @WiseFinch

Im 31 with a DH and 2 kids. DH is very ‘successful’ but being on the other side of married with kids has really changed my perspective.
I was very practical when I met DH and that’s the thing I don’t regret. I had dated a lot before him so I knew what I wanted. Society is weird about women being upfront but it is FINE to say to someone ‘here is what I want the next 5 years to look like and if that doesn’t fit with your plan that’s fine, move on’ the big issue is sticking to that though, you can’t say that but then not move on if they don’t want the same.

YOU ARE NOT OVERTHINKING IT now is when you should be thinking about it. Honestly a lot of what you’re saying sends red flags up to me, not because either of you are wrong just because I know a lot of mums who live the path you’re describing and a lot of dads like you describe DP (my BIL is very similar) and those people are not married to each other, they’re very different ways of life.

DO NOT GET PREGNANT and then sulk and whinge he isn’t marrying you. You know he doesn’t want to ever get married just as clearly as he knows you do want to. Knowing the other person wants different things isn’t a quiet acceptance of following their wishes, just because he knows you want to doesn’t mean he has any Intention of ever doing it. You know he doesn’t want to, does that mean you accept it won’t happen? I think women often expect men to concede this issue but ultimately you have both made your stance very clear. If he never marries you he’s done nothing wrong.

I don’t think either of you is wrong, but it sounds like you want very different things. If he says he doesn’t want to get married, believe him. It might mean ‘not now’ or ‘not with you’ or ‘not ever’, but do you want to spend your 20s trying to find out? If marriage is a deal breaker for you, this is not the man for you.

But for future reference, there’s nothing wrong with living within your means and buying a property you can afford to pay half for with a partner. Also, think about renting for a year before buying or marrying anyone. Don’t tie yourself to someone without knowing what you’re getting into.

If he wanted to marry you, live with you, whatever, he would.
He hasn’t.
Time to move on. Focus on your career and professional development.

The multi generational bit and building on your parents land vs him wanting to live there he grew up jumped out at me. This is such a fundamental difference and is the reason you should split up. I have relatives in a similar situation and it was a complete disaster and resulted in divorce

I don't think this relationship will work out. He doesn't want marriage and you do. If you have vast differences in incomes, and you may lose some earning ability when you have children, then it's vital to be married. I agree with others that he shouldn't necessarily buy a house until you're ready to contribute, but at 31 with a high salary, I'd shy away from someone who hasn't begun to save for a deposit.

In 10-15 years I can see you living together, resentment building because he wants you to pay more than you can afford, and him still living the lads life and leaving you at home with the kids. Find someone who wants the same things, and who makes you their priority.

Im 40 based on my life experience this isn't the guy you are going to be with when you are 40.

He's been clear.
He's the high earner and he doesnt want to marry you (or share it).
His lifestyle already gives you the leftover crumbs.

If you have kids, as a teacher in particular, they are always going to be your responsibility while he swans off to work doing whatever.

At 31 my husband was married and a father ( thet was 3 years ago)

More importantly your life goals aren't aligned. I remember seeing someone talk about successful marriages and thry said something about "both people need to be looking in the same direction"

The older I get the truer i think that is.
Your long term visions / goals are poles apart. It is just not a recipe for sucess or a harmonious life.

Decide what you want, lay it out for him and go from there.
Don't be a passenger.

This

you sound like an addendum to his life

don’t waste your 20s!

You don’t sound very compatible, OP. You want marriage, kids and a life in the country with your parents and if you compromise on that you will resent him.

You say he’s waiting until you earn money before buying a house, but you also say you’re a teacher and living at home so you must be saving heaps.

You also say “I’ve never seen myself having a future with anybody else I’ve dated and I think if we broke up I’d be utterly miserable” - but you’ve been with him since you were 20 so what are you really comparing him with? How many other serious relationships have you had? I can guarantee there are more compatible men out there who won’t string you along and refuse to get married.

For what it’s worth, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with him wanting to go on holiday with his mates regularly but does he also go on holiday with you?

If you leave him you’ll feel miserable, until you meet someone who wants to marry you, and is prepared to save for a deposit. I couldn’t stay with someone who so clearly doesn’t want to commit to a life with me.

Seriously, just end it. He sounds utterly clueless, full of bravado and like he needs to get some stuff out his system before he commits to anyone. You have years to enjoy before you settle down and have kids, you’re only expediting it personally because he is older and there’s a glimmer of stability and security there. I love your idea of doing a self build. Find a man who shares that dream, likes your family enough to want to share space with them and ideally is good at DIY!
Stay single for a bit. Do some traveling during the summer holidays. Go to festivals. Make new friends. Go on dates. Expand your mind. Find new hobbies. That is what twenties is about.

Yes at your age it’s normal.
However… I spent the whole of my 20’s with a man like this. He didn’t want to get married and I did.
I didn’t want to get married too young, but it was in my sights. I worked hard, bought my first home on my own which he played no part in.
He never changed and I did.
Broke up at 30. But I was so damaged from it. So I attracted someone the same as him. Rinse and repeat. I never had children.
Do not waste such valuable years on this man.
It doesn’t mean view any date as a potential father. You can still be young and have fun.
When you have a man like this blocking your doorway it means nobody can get in or out and you are trapped.
As for my ex he still lives in the same way and he’s now 60. Time really does fly.

You and your partner are not well suited for a long term relationship. You have different goals and priorities. But why are you so hyperfocused on marriage and home ownership at the comparatively young age of 23?

You want to live in an inter generational set up with your parents, that’s actually the most out there request that stands out to me. Maybe it’s a cultural thing but many people just would not want to do this.

Mine travelled with work a lot for many years it only really ended when covid hit. We had a decade where he was overseas almost as much as home. It’s worked out for me but I had my own career and the benefit for me has worked out. He was however desperate to marry me and asked within 12 weeks, I was 30. I would never have had children without the legal protections of marriage.

I don't see anything wrong with holidays with friends at any age. I've several mum friends in their 30s and 40s who enjoy a weekend away with other mum friends... usually involves reading a book around a swimming pool and sleeping. Child left with dad or grandparents.

However you on different pages here. You only 23 you sound very intense. It's your 20s and you been with someone for three years. 23 is very young to get married and totally understand not buying a house with you if you not earning. You should be travelling, working, experiencing life with friends and maybe meeting someone in your early 20s. I think op you know deep down what you need to do here.

You’re a convenience not a priority. So sorry. Please don’t compromise your dreams and desires for this man - you can find someone better.

Split, it's not working for you. Go out with friends, date, work on building your own life that will take you in the direction you want to be.

What I've noticed more than anything is your lack of fun. You are a young woman. Can you go out with your friends? Go on holiday without your bf?

Maybe once you've experienced different things you'll not want him anymore. It sounds to me as if you are convenient for him rather than a future.

I think you have a romantic and naive view of your future. It's similar to how my kids were talking when they were in their tweens/early teens. Especially the part where you want to build a house on your parents land and live multi-generational. It feels like you haven't fully grown up and become independent yet and it's going to be very hard to find any man who wants to live with his in-laws in that way. I can't imagine any other reason for doing it other than not being able to afford anything else.

You boyfriend, although also quite immature, sounds like he has and wants to have a much bigger world. One that isn't as traditional or set in stone. You say that your life only consists of work, horse and being at home with your parents. For most grownups that is really quite uninspiring but if that is genuinly how you want the rest of your life to look (plus a few kids) then you need to try and find someone who wants the same as you and let this guy go.

This is called ‘future faking’. It keeps you hanging in there. He knows what you hope for and keeps you hanging on with fake promises of a future he has no intention of fulfilling. Leave

You are at different life stages. You have different needs and ambitions at this point in time. You aren't compatible. Honestly? You sound immature - and at only 23 you have lots to see, do, achieve - for yourself. Please, think and reflect deeply on your own life goals; and make sure to build-in travel, skills, fun, experiences.

I'm not quite old enough to be your mother, but here's my motherly advice regardless...:

There is no "what a relationship should look like", it's more about what works for you. You cannot force him into your version of "should" whether you know exactly what that looks like or not. You want to get married, and build a life together. He has largely already built his life and is very clear he won't get married. You quite rightly sense that buying houses and having children without the protection of marriage when there are big discrepancies in earnings and expectations is not a good idea.

You love each other for now, but you sound fundamentally incompatible. This is no one's fault, but it's a truth you need to face up to nonetheless. You life matters, you are just as important as him, you are not a bit part in his life you are the owner of your own. You are able to shape your life and you should, but that does get harder the older you get for many many reasons (not impossible mind).

So, I think you should heed the wise advice of many pps. Move on. You will cry and grieve, but hopefully you can do it in the most positive way possible and he sounds ok so hopefully he'll be decent about it. You can move on from anything. Then, have a think about life and how you want to shape it and don't settle for any less!
Good luck xx

(Edit to add - I just thought it through properly, I actually am old enough to be your mother. Shit 😩😆)