To feel lied to about the menopause

[Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged]

I’m struggling hideously, cry at the drop of a hat and want to scream with frustration.

Why does no one tell you this.

I remember clear as day being told at school that one day when you’re about 50 your periods will stop. Fantastic I thought one day this hell of monthly inconvenience will cease. And cease it did, brilliant. But then. The past three years have been the worse years of my life.

I tried HRT and it didn’t seem to help, it made me irritable and experience anxiety that was difficult for me to cope with. That was a year ago. I’m now in the same place. Someone please tell me it gets better.

Exactly. Eve ate the apple didn't she, so we should all suffer.

You're asking for the impossible!

It's not about who experiences a 'bad menopause' but what you do about it if it affects you. I don't see what anyone would gain by this research and it's all so subjective anyway. The research would have to be blood tests or lifestyle questions for decades on each woman before menopause etc etc etc.

What's the point in trying to predict how you will be? The issue is how to manage it.

I think what's sad about this thread is that so many women (like the OP) seem in the dark about menopause when in fact there is a lot of info out there. Books, podcasts, interviews with specialists online.

My own experience was seeing my mum experience hot flushes in her early 50s and they were still happening when she was in her 80s, along with insomnia.

I started HRT at 53 at the moment flushes and insomnia became too much to manage with my work.

I was already seeing a top consultant gynaecologist who was an expert in women's health - I'd chosen them - and they prescribed HRT.

I don't want to sound harsh, but most GPs are not educated enough in HRT or menopause, but there are plenty of specialists now who are - even private GPs who aren't as expensive as a consultant.

It is much better on the other side. After years of painful periods, I went through it over about 3 years in my early fifties. Not too bad but very tearful and easily stressed which caused work problems.

Now 59 and much much better. Was diagnosed with adenometriosis at 57, interesting to know, but bit late!

well yes but again no. I statred peri a little over 30 years ago and, while it took a while for me to realise that it was peri, my friends and work colleagues did talk about it and what they had found helped. There wasn't much in the way of medical treatment then and what there was didn't suit me but there were a collection of things which did help and we got through it somehow. Would I have used HRT had one that suited me been available? YES

I’m yet to get to this stage of my life so I don’t have any experience to share as such however…

My mum went through this a few years ago and I was able to help her massively through lifestyle changes that I had read about and researched.

The things that she said helped the most were:

1. eliminating refined sugar
2. having a bowl of Greek yogurt with some berries and a drizzle of honey before bed (this is because your liver tends to need energy to work overnight and more so in menopause, the yogurt / protein helps and reduces the likelihood of that dreaded 3am wake up)
3. excercise - walking, yoga, pilates every day!

She also supplemented with Magneisum Biglycinate which helps massively with anxiety, and took vitamin d. I would be ensuring you get morning sun as much as possible - even just 15 mins early on without any sunglasses / sunscreen. This week is supposed to be very sunny, make the most of it!

Wild yam cream is also supposed to very helpful and a natural alternative to hrt. Many women find it helpful and without side effects.

I’ll probably get torn apart for suggesting these as most people just want the doctor to give them hrt or a pill to fix things but the truth is, you get out what you put in.

Good luck 🙏🏽

If a doctor won't prescribe HRT, then ask to go on the Pill, was my point.

@Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged funnily enough I dont know anyone who has suffered through the menopause!! even working as a nurse in gynaecology I didnt hear from patients about it! hot flushes and night sweats and that was it! yet, on here, it seems like every woman suffers!

ha! I feel lied to because I was told my whole life it was a very difficult transition, many people found it tough. 25 years ago I knew many women (my mother's generation and younger & older) personally who seemed to be struggilng with basic life stuff at about age 50. Then in last 10 years lots people online (especially on MN) carried on & carried on about their awful experiences:

Didn't happen to me. I've been fine. Nothing Event. I was also lied to.

Why does no-one tell you this?

Really??? I'm amazed you feel lied to or under-informed. I have always found it to be very common knowledge what the menopause can do to a woman. I'm pushing 60 and I remember by mum telling me how it can ruin women's lives, break up their marriages and send them stark staring mad when I was a young teenager.

Thankfully HRT has been invented since then and while it's not a magic bullet for every woman, it absolutely is for most. We do talk openly and frankly about menopause now more than ever, so I don't understand why it comes as a huge surprise to anyone. Obviously if your menopause is particularly bad it can hit you like a ton of bricks and that can be really hard, but if you are 45 or over it's not exactly as if you weren't expecting to experience all or any of the symptoms at some point.

The only one I wasn't expecting was the weird panic attack symptoms coming out of the blue for no particular reason and general feelings of anxiety which would result in hyperventilating and oesphogeal spasms, often in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. I still sleep like absolute shit even though all my other symptoms stopped years ago.

All the others, the weight gain and spare tyre, the night sweats, awful mood swings and sudden tearfulness, reduced libido, crawling skin, hot flushes etc., I absolutely knew to expect because they had always been talked about.

I had very few night sweats and hot flushes but many other symptoms.

Thankfully HRT has been invented since then

HRt has been available since the 1960s.

Women are not paying hundreds of pounds a month for private menopause clinic for a laugh.

@SnoozingFox It's cheaper than that! The going rate for private appts is around £250-£300 and most women need one or two appts annually. I appreciate it may be unaffordable for some women.

Women have to take control. A private GP is around £100 and then HRT can be prescribed via the NHS afterwards.

I completely sympathise with the lack of understanding and expertise from GPs but it's no good whinging. There are options to go outside the NHS and it doesn't need to break the bank.

If you have to stay within the NHS there's a lot online about different types of HRT so if you read around you can go to your GP informed and ask for what you want.

In a minority, but I think YABU. The last 4/5 years you can barely move for articles, programmes and adverts about menopause/peri-menopause. Everyone seems to want to talk about it and symptoms, possible treatments, suppliments etc. I'm sure a lot of that is me being targeted due to my age.

I don't think school, where you are trying to drum in safe sex messages, is really the right place for it. And I know I wouldn't have given a single shit about it if someone was trying to wang on to me when I was 13!

Please don't give up on HRT OP they're not all made equally and I tried 3 or 4 combinations before I found one that worked (Utrogestan 100 and Estraderm 100 for what it's worth). I also second PP who says stay away from alcohol and try some regular exercise...I love walking and pilates. I also cut right back on meat and now only eat chicken or fish once or twice a month. Loads of pulses, nuts and seeds really do seem to help. I'm not sure as there is an 'other side' to come out of as you've basically stopped producing some pretty important hormones which will dramatically affect your health and well being. Admittedly, things are meant to calm down as your hormone production settles and everything is more predictable but this isn't always the case and you're still being deprived of protective hormones for your heart, bones, brain etc. My mum is 79 and still on HRT with no intentions of coming off (she tried several times and felt dreadful). Good luck OP and keep trying new combinations...you will get there 🙏💐

The worst thing in my opinion is the loss of libido. It's not so bad if you've been with someone for many years and he wants to stay with you regardless. But many women suffer with years of moods and silent treatment and having sex that they don't want to have just to keep their marriage.

I'm single, 52 and had an early menopause. I can attract men because I'm very young looking (somehow!) and slim but there's no point because I don't want sex and I get the ick very very easily.

It make you realise that most relationships rely on hormones and sex and that's a bit depressing.

Same. I went to (older woman) GP with terrible anxiety and depression in mid-40s. They never mentioned peri-menopause at all. They didn’t mention exercise and diet. They didn’t mention loved ones should familiarise themselves with the symptoms and be supportive. Just recommended anti-depressants and referred to CBT.

I researched peri myself and realised my symptoms were absolutely typical of peri. I started to exercise and amend my diet and lifestyle, which really helped. Just knowing I was having typical peri symptoms helped, as I’d started to feel I had a personality flaw.

I feel very strongly the NHS should offer sessions (a bit like ante natal classes) for everyone in early 40s to talk people through peri and menopause, as well as aging challenges faced by men. So, both women and men understand what’s typical and have more empathy for each other. I bet countless relationships have broken down due to lack of education and understanding.

This exactly. I won't say that the research would be impossible but for it to be of use, you'd need to enroll children before their puberty started and observe them until their 80's at least. They would not be able to use any form of HRT so their ACTUAL symptoms could be recorded, and obeservational allowances would need to be made for contraception use, childbearing and so on. Stuff like libido also has a strong experiental aspect depending on a woman't experience of sex.

Mine came on very quickly and reasonably young compared to most. The physical symptoms were not the worst, the worst was that I felt like I was going mad.

I went on HRT for only six months then I was going on a long trip overseas for a couple of months and forgot to sort my prescription for the duration, so I decided as I was feeling great I'd just wing it for a while and see what happened. I was absolutely fine so I never bothered to go back on the HRT and I've been pretty much fine ever since. That was over ten years ago.

I appreciate I may have been luckier than most though.

I agree 100%.

If some women had a great experience that is good to hear but if you look at the wider picture it doesn't look good.

Actually, if you look at the wider picture, it does look good.

The most commonly referenced figures are:

25% sail through, so to speak
50% have some symptoms but find them manageable/not a big deal
25% have a truly terrible time.

Not good for the 25%, but not worth awfulising for all the rest of us.,

A friend's mother had hot flushes for the rest of her life. I presume they stop at some point for most women though.

Yes, my periods are much heavier than they used to be. I do have fibroids, but I suspect it's also peri itself causing it. The doctors want to take my womb out, but I'm coping with no treatment at the moment.

"plus our cycles then starred syncing 😆"

This has been de-bunked.

@lljkk But surely it's not about being lied to, but bearing in mind always that everyone reacts differently?

I've a range of friends who all had different experiences, just as we all do with periods, skin, weight - everything- all our lives.

I come from a generation where my Mum's peers barely mentioned menopause.
They just gritted their teeth and got on with it or took to antidepressants, given out by GPs. The 'change' was muttered in hushed tones.

Thankfully we've moved on and everyone's experiences are different.

I agree the menopause can cause hideous symptoms but I don't agree we've been lied to. I've known since my teens that it caused awful symptoms. I knew it could make you forgetful, emotional, cause hot flushes and poor sleep etc etc. I never for one moment thought your periods just stopped and that was it.
Did you really not know until it happened?