To feel lied to about the menopause

[Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged]

I’m struggling hideously, cry at the drop of a hat and want to scream with frustration.

Why does no one tell you this.

I remember clear as day being told at school that one day when you’re about 50 your periods will stop. Fantastic I thought one day this hell of monthly inconvenience will cease. And cease it did, brilliant. But then. The past three years have been the worse years of my life.

I tried HRT and it didn’t seem to help, it made me irritable and experience anxiety that was difficult for me to cope with. That was a year ago. I’m now in the same place. Someone please tell me it gets better.

You can see why many women were sent to psychiatric hospitals in the past.

This is the bit that’s been kept quiet for decades . Menopause rage and sweats have been talked about for ages but it’s all a bit hush on the atrophy. First I heard was when Davina did that menopause documentary. I got some cream even though I wasn’t noticing big changes, just slightly drier and it’s been brilliant. All back to normal ‘down there’ and normal service resumed. This is without me being on systemic hrt.

As much as the first two years of the menopause was awful for me now I'm on the right HRT I'm thankful everyday for not having periods, PMS and all that. I tried two different types until I found one that suited me and it saved me.

Please go back to your GP and try different combinations.

I get what Op is saying. I'm 58 and still going through it! I just thought periods stopped. Until I was on MN, I hadn't heard of perimenopause. My life was fairly unsettled so what I now know was peri I had just put down to all the shit going on. The rage?, well stop pissing me off people! 😄
I certainly wasn't expecting the sudden ageing process, one minute I looked 10yrs younger, then, bang, it hit me.
At the start of peri I wasn't on the Internet, so no information there, I was otherwise healthy so visits to GP were rare.
My employers(2 in that time) have only in the last five years or so introduced menopause policies, but to be frank, that's about tick box, actual support just doesn't exist. Adhere to sick policy or get disciplinary.

You might want to trial different types of HRT. I always thought the pill was horrendous, until I found the right one.

I thought I had escaped most symptoms

I went into Peri at around 45, I was a chef at the time, and believe me, hot flushes in a kitchen going full pelt in the middle of a summer heat wave - not good - have actually vomited

Flushes increased to the night sweats, itchy skin and the return of my insomnia , I gave up cooking for a living as I just couldn't cope on so little sleep

I had my last mirena inserted aged 49 so no idea when my period officially stopped as hadn't had one since my late 20's. But the brain fog, anxiety, general depression kicked in early 50's. I became so bad I actually begged the GP to do the Alzheimers test . It was during that appointment that menopause was mentioned and I was offered sertraline - saved my sanity that did

A friend who had gone through a medical menopause suggested walking for the sweats - and that really helped. Every day we went for a walk , I got through the night without a sweat . If we skipped 2/3 nights - the sweats came back. Flushes during the day I could cope with, not the night sweats

Middle aged spread? I ballooned.

Skin dried, hairs grew where they weren't supposed to - chin and top lip, and the wee fuckers chose to come through white so no laser is hitting those buggers

Late 50's and I was struggling with life in general due to age and condition. Then covid came and that isolation near on had me topping myself. Lack of access to health care - which has since got worse - meant I had to go it alone. Upped the meds and concentrated on getting the body as fit as I could

The walks increased, I did a half marathon, then I climbed our highest mountain peak, then I did a full marathon. I walk, I walk for my sanity and well being. I go park run, I have different friends for different walks, I then decided I had to tackle the weight, it was a battle, its not easy in menopause, My diet has had to change, not just for weight loss, but because now I cant tolerate some foods - bloating and indigestion for example - and Ive increased brain and bone foods and take vitamins . I got an E bike so I can cycle again which I love , takes me right back to being a care free teen again , no longer a middle aged woman struggling on the hills

Body shape has indeed changed , bum and shoulders have gone, still belly. Skin has sagged around the tops of my arms and legs , hands definitely have aged

Aged 61 this year Im no longer invisible. I take care of myself , look after my skin - still no major wrinkles and wear clothes that suit me. My confidence is back, Im off the sertraline . Flushes come and go, the insomnia has stayed, the chin hairs are an ongoing battle. I have aches and pain and my knees went on strike on my 60th and are sticking to a work to rule - before then getting down was ok, just the getting up again was tricky at times, now I need support both directions :) Memory lapses are a big thing still , can not recall names , even of the family at times and yes walking into rooms not knowing why is a real thing

When I say Im no longer invisible , I think that for me when I was going through it, I shut myself down . The lack of confidence stopped me going anywhere or doing anything of stepping forward. Now Im through it, Ive picked up a lot of "dont give a fuck's " No idea where as that was never me, But I actually dont give a fuck about what people think of me. If I have something to say - out it pops. Ive lost my filters and that in itself is just so liberating

I never knew about the menopause other than periods stopping and the flushes and sweats. The brain fog was certainly never mentioned nor was the crippling anxiety .Nor the changes to skin and hair texture. Nor the insomnia. I had some vague idea that you could get HRT to stop the sweats but that you were only putting them off, stop HRT and they came back ( as SIL is finding out in her 70's ) Its been a learning curve and at times it was very frightening and lonely, and its only with hindsight that I realise I am a completely different person now Im through it

There is so much more knowledge and awareness. In my seventies, I’d never heard of peri menopause until relatively recently. As a young woman, I had a dreadful time with PMT, period pain, moods etc., and was told everything would be fine once I had a child. It wasn’t. After I had DC2, the difficulties continued, eventually diagnosed with endometriosis.

A hysterectomy was my salvation in my late 30s. I didn’t even know I was going through the menopause until a blood test in my 50s showed low oestrogen levels. I was put on HRT patches, even though, unlike some friends, I had virtually no symptoms. Because of HRT I’ve avoided osteoporosis which my mum, and many of her generation suffered from.

Even now women are branded as 'mad' when they reach around 50 in age. A friend of DH's (awful man who has headed younger and younger in his relationships) ditched his last wife because she was 'mad'. Nope. She was in her late forties and her hormones had dropped off a cliff. Have some compassion man.

And the same man did a local TEDx talk and stood on stage whining about his anxiety due to work problems. Try having work problems while going through the menopause matey!

It's all pretty obvious. We spend decades locked into a pattern ruled by our hormones - they rush in at puberty, then off we go, ebbing and flowing every month. Then - nada. It's no wonder we're mentally roughed up by the menopause.

I'm on HRT and frankly daren't come off it.

You are absolutely right, I’m 56 now but started young, older friends didn’t talk about it, and contemporaries didn’t have a clue. I think davina and the like have done a brilliant job of taking about it.

practically, it took me a while to find the right hrt but when I did it helped loads, I was very persistent at the GP and wouldn’t be fobbed off. Also eventually had a Mirena, that helped with low mood, low continuous dose of progesterone was better for me.

im off the oestrogen now, (advice from breast clinic as I had other stuff going on) apart from vaginal oestrogen (v important), still have the Mirena in,. But hrt really helped when I could take it.

id say pare your life back to the important stuff, do stuff you enjoy, if you have a partner get them on side, and exercise even if it’s just walking….

@LucyMonth what collogen do you take?

Watch the Davina menopause documentary!!! Some people are more badly affected than others. Get vaginal oestrogen and preferably before you feel the issue start.

Go back to your gp to try a different combo of HRT and start exercising. The right HRT can make a massive difference and, coupled with exercise, has brought me back round to being pretty much myself again. Some things have changed, I used to be a runner, but I now really cannot be arsed with that. Instead, I follow Sydney Cummings. All her workouts are free on YouTube, usually between 30 and 45 mins and you can do them at home (my rage definitely extended to people in the gym 🤣🤣). Doing her workouts I slowly lost the random stone that had plonked itself around my middle seemingly overnight and am now back to weighing what I did in my 20s. Good to prevent osteoporosis too. Also recommend getting outside. I don’t run anymore, but I do walk, usually a 5k everyday, even if it’s pissing it down. It really helps!

YABU

I'm mid menopause (50 and now have months between periods and very small bleed if I'm on). Its been the lack of sleep (four hours per night) and anxiety that I've struggled with. Lack of energy.

My dm invalidates my experience as she tells me I "blame it for everything". This isn't true, my health has declined due to menopause and it's fairly impossible to see a GP who takes it seriously.

OP I have found that (as my periods have slowed down to almost stopping) some of the mood swings have become less intense. I also have joined groups online for moral support. This might also help you too.

I actually feel the opposite. I’m early 40s and not there quite yet but over the past few years I feel like there’s been absolutely loads of ‘awareness’ stuff around re the menopause. Davina McCall for example. To the extent that I’m now absolutely petrified of it!

There was a thread recently about barely having any meno symptoms so do t be scared, be forewarned Loads of women feel just fine. I take no hrt, just the vaginal cream as a preventative. I had 6 months of mild flushes. All good and I’m 54, last period at 50/51.

This is such a helpful post as you address the concerns yet suggest a path through. Can I ask how your diet changed? A lot of people move keto-ish but I feel that very quickly becomes very animal-product heavy.

Because of the question of why the OP feels lied to about the menopause.

Unless she has been hiding under a rock for the last few years she can't have failed to read all the stuff in the media, on mumsnet, seen anything on TV or heard anything on the radio about it.

As for "why does no-one tell you about this" his isn't true either unless the OP never talks to anyone older than her.

Information about it is pretty prolific everywhere, especially on mumsnet. Maybe the OP and I read different threads, but peri is mentioned frequently on the threads I read.

@Someonelookedatmypostinghistorysoichanged yes it does get better. My migraines have disappeared and I don't get hot flushes any more. My major negative is thinning hair 😒.

I think everyone is affected differently - I remember waiting for the hot flushes that never came.
maybe acupuncture will help your hormones level out

What tosh!
I'm almost 65.

Peri: started at 43 with irregularity and the night sweats and short fuse started at about 46. I was done by 49.

Initially my GP diagnosed HRT and it worked within 48 hours. However I was mindful of alcohol and diet. TBF I had one GP remark that I'd cope better without HRT if I gave up work and had more time to relax (WTF and it was a woman - and I didn't mince my response). I developed polycystic breast disease during meno/whilst taking HRT but with regular monitoring that was not a reason to stop it. Not least because when meno started my DC were 5 and 8 and 15 and 18 when I felt fully through it.

One thing that was really helpful was a consultation privately with a gynaecologist who titrated the HRT dose much better than the GP and set out his recommendations and reasons very clearly. Thereafter there was never another murmur from the GP re prescribing.

Post Meno some joys are: no vaginal discharge and crusty pants, no hormonal headaches, no periods (obvs), no meno symptoms, no cyclical sore boots.

Unlike the poster I have quoted, my hair is great, albeit expensively maintained, I am not invisible or particularly droopy and when necessary spanks do the trick. I also still have a full-time, full on professional job and feel I am listened to more than ever. My DC are grown and settled.

Not all women have horrendous menopauses - mine was a little uncomfortable but manageable. However, I do believe that for many women menopause iis a catalyst that brings to a head other aspects of life that individuals are struggling with. Did they settle? Are they still in Love? Do they like or hate their job and do they have to suck it up if they hate it? Dissatisfaction with body/looks/fitness? Teenage fucking children with their angst, acne, exams and expense? Aging parents who need more help? A MIL who behaved for the first 10 years or so but now your eyes are open to the person they are? Conflicting demands on your money which is generally accounted for before it hits your bank account. Sometimes I think the menopause is used to conceal all the others things that are wrong.

The hard truth about the menopause and self esteem is that alcohol and "pies" don't help.

Finally, it was never a secret. My mother and grandmother both discussed it and were open about it.

I echo the points about selfcare - exercise & diet were particularly important for me. Specifically, I cut out sugar, alcohol & caffeine for a year. The unpleasant symptoms were significantly reduced (I also lost well over a stone) and when I slowly began to reintroduce these things, they did not return

I’ve tried to absorb the deluge of into but there is so much and it is so conflicting I can see it does feel, if not exactly like people are lying, then maybe like that game of piggy-in-the-middle. Every time you think you’ve nearly caught the ball, it’s thrown just out of reach above your head again.

That’s helpful. 👍

Periods just petered out for me. Sometimes I felt a little warm though my husband once pointed out that I was under a winterweight eiderdown with two blankets on top. I use some ovestin ovules. I could always sleep through almost anything though. Not everybody has awful symptoms. I think the peri-menopause is blamed for a lot of things from about 34 years onward on Mumsnet - nothing about being overworked with small children, the current fashion for not getting young children into a decent sleeping pattern in their own bed, working fulltime with a long commute, lack of sleep and being responsible for the majority of "wife" work seems to be considered.

My GP assures me that I can be on HRT despite my mom having had oestrogen sensitive breast cancer. She said that there is no evidence that it increases risk of breast cancer despite the information leaflet itself states the increased risk of breast cancer. I decided to try it because it is really impacting my quality of life and only getting worse. I am in peri with periods getting shorter and feeling like I am dying the week before. So far I am not seeing much improvement, 1st month I am applying the patches and it has been terrible even after the period when I would have normally had a few very good days.
People write about tweaking doses and trying different HRTs but it doesn't look like there is much choice for peri at all.

I'm 58 and reached menopause at 55. I do feel much better than I did from 48-55. Sleep has improved, low mood and concentration have improved and I feel myself again, I'd go so far as to say that I'm more decisive and am seeing things more clearly than I did for decades with all that oestrogen swilling about. So it can improve post menopause. Not having periods is also lovely. But I'm not the person I was, I've aged physically and now look old, I'm just getting used to it but am finding that difficult.