To feel a bit embarrassed about my glow up?

[Donttalkaboutit]

I know this will sound very silly!
So over the past decade, my thirties, I've been having babies, breastfeeding, sleepless nights etc etc. I've been carrying excess weight and been dressing to hide my shape. My hair was dull and straggly and I just looked tired and (sorry to use the word!) 'Frumpy'.

Anyway, I'm now 40 and I have lost lots of weight, got my hair cut and highlighted and started wearing make up and stylish clothes. I look 100 x better.

Now when I meet people I haven't seen in a while they are shocked and tell me how much different I look, how young I look, how trendy I am and will comment all good things but inside it just makes me think I must have looked a state before!

I do actually think that I'm looking better than I ever did (!) and am just struggling with all of these compliments even though I know I should be really glad of them! I see.myself in the mirror and can't believe it's me and then get all self conscious when people say I look nice. I'm ve4y, very gracious of the compliments and always say thank you but inside I feel a bit silly or something??
Aibu to feel like this or is this normal?

Its my mother 😢

Oh my goodness, what a strange thing to do. That’s awful. In what way is she related? Is she jealous. She sounds it.
Its my mother 😢

Ah, that explains a lot.
Im either too fat or too thin according to my mum. It stings ( im 60 ffs and she's still at it!
Just keep on keeping on and roll your eyes so far back they can see out of your skull next time she start!!

So sorry. Very cruel. It’s true what they say- Parents know which buttons to press because they installed them. Mothers can indeed be jealous of their daughters. How awful for you I’m sorry.

My relative said 'oh look and you and your new image! What happened to always wearing your maxidresses like such a sophisticated lady?' (she acted this out as if she was prancing around with her nose in the air). She went on. 'And now you're just so cool aren't you?' Then she acted me out as if I was Sandy from Grease when she got her makeover. This relative thought this was so funny

She’s absolutely seething with jealousy! There’s so much of it she’s having to get it out physically, bless her.

Oh OP. This brings tears to my eyes. This is not a usual or normal response to a daughter's changing appearance. Your mum is horrible. Please don't let it bring you down, enjoy the self care and enjoyment you have carved out for yourself, you sound fabulous ❤️

Not a normal motherly response.

A toxic, ugly and vicious one.

You cannot change someone who chooses to respond to you like that, but you can step away from them and protect yourself.

Why would you allow that to go unchallenged?

You deserve better.
Please protect yourself.

Being around that is so bad for you.
Anyone who cannot celebrate with you is best avoided.

Thank you. It stung my eyes too. On and on it went. Normally I kind of laugh along but this time I just looked at her. I felt my eyes stinging for some time afterwards. I just didn't see the point other than to make me feel stupid.

We are pretty low contact and I only see her every few months, for this kind of reason. I let it go unchallenged because I thought it was normal for decades.

OP I'm really sorry. This is definitely a 'her' thing and not a 'you' thing.

Am actually seeing this thread for the first time today and reading through was finding you really inspirational. Don't let this change what you're doing!

Thank you. That's really sweet.

OP, so sorry to hear you experienced this. You did not deserve it. This made me so sad. I bet you look fabulous.

Those comments are a reflection of the person who said them, and not of you in any way. It sounds like jealousy and deep insecurity on her part.

This video really helped me deal with people who belittle others:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3QG5SjOxYXU

Low contact sounds like such a good idea.

You poor pet.
Leave it a lot lot lot longer next time.
Not worth it.

It's really bad to say what she did isn't it? It's really mean isn't it? I'm not just imagining this?

Yes, really mean and totally unacceptable of her.

She drives me absolutely crazy because she acts like it's my problem if I ever confront her and the conversation goes round and round and I end up getting a tongue lashing then silent treatment. I would confront her if she accepted she was wrong but she thinks it's fine. She is also vehemently against mocking and can't stand other people being mocking but cannot understand how mocking she is. It makes me insane with rage!

This sounds like ‘Darvo’ (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) a tactic used to deflect blame and avoid taking responsibility.

I found this book and YouTube channel so helpful in dealing with similar behaviours:

https://www.waterstones.com/book/adult-children-of-emotionally-immature-parents/lindsay-c-gibson/9781626251700

https://m.youtube.com/@LookingBehindtheMirror/featured

I read this a few years ago actually. Thanks for the reminder to look it up again. It's just sad to have a mother like this.

It is sad. Remember you can’t change her, you can’t get her to understand or accept how awful she’s been. She just is, like an incredibly irritating pothole in exactly the wrong place. You try and line yourself up to minimise it but occasionally you hit it full on.

Just avoid her. Minimum effort.

Thank you.

I'm not really into hugs but I wish I could give you one.

You could be an influencer - you've obviously got a great and manageable system going and are looking fabulous go you! - so many women would love tips to feel more put together.

Maybe say 'Thank you, what a great idea' interpret every criticism as a jealous compliment.

It sounds like she's never going to be happy but you can be.

Can you ask her genuinely why she wants to tear other people down? This is very much a her problem and not a you problem.

Thank you. I still feel like I'm smarting from it. She just thought it was so hilarious and there was no way to react so I just stood there kind of looking at her because it was just so strange. She seemed to be really enjoying it.

I’m so sorry your mum was so unkind. That is definitely not normal behaviour and I would go as low contact as you feel able to. If she starts up the mocking again and you feel like you can say something, just say ‘that’s not very kind’ then if she comes back with it’s just a joke etc you can repeat ‘it’s not kind’ Then if you can leave do so and repeat whenever she is unkind.

I LOVE this thread @Donttalkaboutit and massive congratulations to you.

As for your mother - I still can never understand why someone would want to undermine their offspring for trying to be the best version of themselves. The jealousy, the control games, the weirdness going on here, is just so wrong.

This has been happening to me for as long as I can remember but I thought it was normal and I was just 'touchy'. I think this entire AIBU started because deep down on some level I had internalised what my mother would say, even if I knew it unconsciously. That the transition was ridiculous, silly and that it had not gone unnoticed.

When people post to say it was unkind, a power play, weird; it's validating and baffling at the same time. Like, 'I know!!!' But also 'Really???'

Can someone help me understand exactly what is weird here because I can feel it but can't seem to access the fact that I deserve better. She wouldn't stand for someone mocking her which makes it unbearably frustrating.

Own it! Good for you 👑