Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

It's not simple at all. You don't cut one child off from their own family.

Absolutely!

At 14 she’s old enough to make a choice. And it’s unfair to guilt her into not attending a family event. We know she has a relationship with her paternal granny. DD1 wasn’t mentioned in that context so DD2 might be baffled as to why to expected to demonstrate mob type loyalty to her when she 1) isn’t related to DH’s family, and 2) doesn’t have the same relationship with them.

Who actually excluded DD1 the first time? The wife to be of DH’s nephew. Trying to piece together what has been said it doesn’t sound like the extended family see a huge amount of eachother. Maybe said wife doesn’t know DD1, assumed she’d go to her dad’s or has only met or heard about DD2.

The OP’s DH could have done as the MIL said and simply asked for an invite. “listen DD1 would love to go and we’d love her to go” would you mind?

Absolutely!

They're not cutting off anyone. They've not gone no contact, they're just saying that to a family wedding you either include all or none.

The youngest child still gets a relation with her blood family, as does the husband.

This, I don't understand how it's all about 1 child and making sure they're not upset, it's not dd2s fault. It's basically 'if your grandparents don't give them the attention I think your sibling should get, you don't get a relationship with them, how you're affected doesn't matter.'
Think that's storing up a whole load of trouble!
@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone of any of dd1s paternal family get in touch, will you refuse all contact, any meet ups, unless dd2 gets exact same treatment?

She can continue to go to her grandparents house regularly even if she doesn't go to the wedding.

Unfortunately they have to explain to DD2 that not everyone is fair and DD1 still needs to have a relationship with her family.

There's other more important messages to be learned like standing up for what's right, and it's actually quite worrying that at almost 14 the OPs daughter is ok with this.....pretty much all siblings I know even the ones who fight like cats and dogs would have their siblings back in a second when someone is treating them unfairly.

No it isn't like that at all.
They're not demanding that the girls get equal treatment for everything or else they won't have a relationship with the youngest, they'd just be declining an event for a wedding.

There's no 'they' here. OP and DH disagree. He's not on board with the all or none idea, and thinks his DD should be able to go. A united front is not one of OPs choices.

Wlll dd1 have sisters back? If she gets invited to something but dd2 doesn't will she say NO! NOT WITHOUT MY SISTER!!!

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone how close is dd1 to the bride and groom?

DD2’s family is more than just 3 people. We know she has a relationship with her granny, that it seems DD2 doesn’t have or at least it hasn’t been said.

You’re assuming that the DH’s family did something “wrong” when the OP herself says she is of the view DD1 wasn’t excluded maliciously the first time. We don’t know what if any relationship or awareness the wife to be of the nephew has of DD1. The wife also tried to extend another invite to make up for it.

I think it seems this whole thing has been blown completely out of proportion and instead of making dramatic gestures or guilting a 12 year old for wanting to go to a family event DH could have asked for an invite.

As you well know children are regularly invited to things that their siblings are not invited to, and will often not want them tagging along even if they were allowed.
Family weddings are completely different though, which shouldn't need to be explained.

And that's wrong. She wants to go, she can go.

Adults decide to blend families and kids are supposed to feel whatever they're told to feel. Life doesn't work like that. Kids don't work like that.

Holding one child hostage to ensure the other gets treated as you want them to be is unfair to both children, ultimately.

And she said that she believes this time is payback so whether the first one was malicious or not is beside the point.

But the youngest daughter wants to go. She knows they want her there.

So in her mind why should she miss out on her family because of a half sister who isn't related to them.
She is going to go to them. She's shown that.
So then OP alienates her DD further.

Her believing it does not make it true

But it's not dd1s 'family' is it? Well that not how they seem to see it. They seem to see it as 'neices half sister'.. which may seem sad and hurtful, you can't insist other people invite others to their events.

It’s not besides the point. The OP and DH didn’t need to respond how they did the first time. It’s now caused upset and resentment and a guy is left with emotions that his granny was upset.

I get where you are coming from but unfortunately these are some of the common challenges with blended families and it is unfair to force DD2 to stay away from her cousins wedding. She did not create the blended family.

And OPs DH has also made it clear that he wants DD2 to go if she wants to go, and he wants her to maintain the relationship. He has shown strong support for OP and her daughter so forcing DD2 against his wishes will also cause a rift.

You say she can still go to her grandparents, what of her cousins? From what I read she is close to her family members and while I feel for DD1 I disagree with using DD2 as a pawn and making her love for her sister conditional on not going to her cousin's wedding without DD2.

Unfortunately no matter how much OP wants both girls have different fathers and as a result different families and I am so glad OPs DH is very supportive of her daughter, unfortunately they cannot force everyone to treat her the same and they cannot force DD2 to chose between her DD1 and her other family members.

Going to wedding doesn't mean DD2 doesn't love DD1 but as she rightly said she also has her other family members and she has made it clear she wants to continue to have a relationship with them.

OP and her DH have taken their stand and rightfully so, DD2 should not be forced, it will create resentment and result in more issue between the girls.

As someone who grew up in a blended family I would rather know where I stand and recognize my half sister also has her side of the family and know that I have my relationship with my half sister and that she also has her relationship with her side of the family which I'm not a part of.

Unfortunately while it's not nice, that's the reality of being part of a blended family. OP cannot force them to invite her by keeping DD2 away. She needs to work on managing their relationship in such a way that enables them to understand that whilst they are sisters, they also both have different sides of the family which will result in different levels of relationships for both of the girls.

I don't know what DD1s relationship is with her side of the family but it is not DD2s fault if there isn't a relationship there and she shouldn't be made to pay for it by trying to force DH's family to treat both girls the same when they don't consider DD2 to be their family by blood. I'm not saying it's fair or tight but unfortunately she can't force them.

She needs to accept it for what it is now and manage her expectations going forward.

Well then maybe the first time was malicious and her thinking it wasn't isn't true either 😂

My 2 DGC have 2 different families. We are all close.

DGD is in contact with her DFs family (she’s the eldest).

DGSs family, DGDs SDs family, include her in everything but they do go to separate family events sometimes. It is how blended families work at their best.

DGD goes off to stay with her DF and they go to family events that DGS does not attend. He understands that they have 2 families.

DGS has never attended a family event of DGDs family. And we are a close blended family.

@Iammatrix can you imagine saying to DGD 'no you can't go to your aunt's event as your DB who doesn't know your aunt isn't invited'!!

But they’re not in agreement that OP’s opinion is ‘right’, and it isn’t something she has to agree with because OP wants her to. It isn’t at all an unusual dynamic in blended families, and not one that that she is automatically going to take issue with. Trying to force her into agreement will not teach her the lesson you seem to think it will.

They are sisters, but they don’t all share the same family members. They aren’t the same to OP’s in-laws, and pretending they are doesn’t make anything ‘fair’. It isn’t ‘fair’ that the youngest should miss out on events with her family because her half sister isn’t invited. It isn’t ‘fair’ to expect the in-laws to compensate for the failings of the oldest child’s paternal family.

Absolutely. And I think this should be a (gentle) lesson in empathy for the younger daughter. At 14 she’s old enough to be able to put herself in her sister’s shoes but at the same time still young enough for her parents to decide for her. All invited or none. Otherwise where does it end?