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Original poster

Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

876 replies

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 15:20

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time o...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5069694-12-year-old-wants-to-go-to-wedding-where-sister-hasnt-been-invited

OP posts:
InterIgnis · 26/04/2025 21:46

2Hot2Handle · 26/04/2025 20:57

You don’t need to “lose it” or “strong arm” someone, to be able to point out that standing by your sibling, who is purposely being left out of family events, is the loving and loyal thing to do.

Show quote history

OP tried that too. Her youngest did not however magically come around to her way of thinking.

Jamum12 · 26/04/2025 21:46

Ilovelifeverymuch · 26/04/2025 21:38

I get where you are coming from but unfortunately these are some of the common challenges with blended families and it is unfair to force DD2 to stay away from her cousins wedding. She did not create the blended family.

And OPs DH has also made it clear that he wants DD2 to go if she wants to go, and he wants her to maintain the relationship. He has shown strong support for OP and her daughter so forcing DD2 against his wishes will also cause a rift.

You say she can still go to her grandparents, what of her cousins? From what I read she is close to her family members and while I feel for DD1 I disagree with using DD2 as a pawn and making her love for her sister conditional on not going to her cousin's wedding without DD2.

Unfortunately no matter how much OP wants both girls have different fathers and as a result different families and I am so glad OPs DH is very supportive of her daughter, unfortunately they cannot force everyone to treat her the same and they cannot force DD2 to chose between her DD1 and her other family members.

Going to wedding doesn't mean DD2 doesn't love DD1 but as she rightly said she also has her other family members and she has made it clear she wants to continue to have a relationship with them.

OP and her DH have taken their stand and rightfully so, DD2 should not be forced, it will create resentment and result in more issue between the girls.

As someone who grew up in a blended family I would rather know where I stand and recognize my half sister also has her side of the family and know that I have my relationship with my half sister and that she also has her relationship with her side of the family which I'm not a part of.

Unfortunately while it's not nice, that's the reality of being part of a blended family. OP cannot force them to invite her by keeping DD2 away. She needs to work on managing their relationship in such a way that enables them to understand that whilst they are sisters, they also both have different sides of the family which will result in different levels of relationships for both of the girls.

I don't know what DD1s relationship is with her side of the family but it is not DD2s fault if there isn't a relationship there and she shouldn't be made to pay for it by trying to force DH's family to treat both girls the same when they don't consider DD2 to be their family by blood. I'm not saying it's fair or tight but unfortunately she can't force them.

She needs to accept it for what it is now and manage her expectations going forward.

Edited
Show quote history

This isn't a blended family, blended is when you blend the kids together and they have to learn to blend as one new family.

These kids have the same mother. Her dad had taken on the role of her siblings dad before she was even born.

lunar1 · 26/04/2025 21:46

You and your husband are raising a child with a complete empathy bypass! You need to guide her, before it’s too late to change.

InterIgnis · 26/04/2025 21:47

Leafy3 · 26/04/2025 21:20

They're not cutting off anyone. They've not gone no contact, they're just saying that to a family wedding you either include all or none.

The youngest child still gets a relation with her blood family, as does the husband.

Show quote history

OP’s husband is supporting his daughter’s choice to attend the wedding, as he supported her choice to attend the previous one.

the7Vabo · 26/04/2025 21:47

lunar1 · 26/04/2025 21:46

You and your husband are raising a child with a complete empathy bypass! You need to guide her, before it’s too late to change.

By what forcing her to do the “right” thing when all she wants to do is hang out with her granny & cousins at a wedding?’

Leafy3 · 26/04/2025 21:48

lunar1 · 26/04/2025 21:46

You and your husband are raising a child with a complete empathy bypass! You need to guide her, before it’s too late to change.

100%
I think this will damage the relationship between the sisters beyond repair.

And then the eldest daughter will only have her mum.

CaptainFuture · 26/04/2025 21:49

the7Vabo · 26/04/2025 21:47

By what forcing her to do the “right” thing when all she wants to do is hang out with her granny & cousins at a wedding?’

Show quote history

This, seems an 'empathy bypass' = not doing what she's told by her mum and prioritising her half sister feelings over her own.

Leafy3 · 26/04/2025 21:49

the7Vabo · 26/04/2025 21:47

By what forcing her to do the “right” thing when all she wants to do is hang out with her granny & cousins at a wedding?’

Show quote history

It's a wedding, not a once in a life time opportunity. Plenty of children don't attend weddings. She still had relationships with her granny and wider family, no one is stopping that.

InterIgnis · 26/04/2025 21:50

Jamum12 · 26/04/2025 21:46

This isn't a blended family, blended is when you blend the kids together and they have to learn to blend as one new family.

These kids have the same mother. Her dad had taken on the role of her siblings dad before she was even born.

Show quote history

No, this is still a blended family. They don’t share the same parents, and OP’s husband has no biological or legal relationship with her eldest (he would have the latter had he adopted her).

TheHerboriste · 26/04/2025 21:50

Your husband is an arsehole. I would not let younger attend this time. Call their bluff.

Jamum12 · 26/04/2025 21:51

InterIgnis · 26/04/2025 21:43

But they’re not in agreement that OP’s opinion is ‘right’, and it isn’t something she has to agree with because OP wants her to. It isn’t at all an unusual dynamic in blended families, and not one that that she is automatically going to take issue with. Trying to force her into agreement will not teach her the lesson you seem to think it will.

They are sisters, but they don’t all share the same family members. They aren’t the same to OP’s in-laws, and pretending they are doesn’t make anything ‘fair’. It isn’t ‘fair’ that the youngest should miss out on events with her family because her half sister isn’t invited. It isn’t ‘fair’ to expect the in-laws to compensate for the failings of the oldest child’s paternal family.

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And letting her go would absolutely not teach her the lessons that I would want her to learn either.

I personally don't think it's unfair that the youngest would miss out because I wouldn't want her around a bunch of assholes anyway, and I also don't see any 'unfairness' in expecting the family to extend the invitation to the other girl in the family.

Dinosaurshoebox · 26/04/2025 21:52

TheHerboriste · 26/04/2025 21:50

Your husband is an arsehole. I would not let younger attend this time. Call their bluff.

Realistically. OP doesn't have the power to do that.

CaptainFuture · 26/04/2025 21:52

Leafy3 · 26/04/2025 21:49

It's a wedding, not a once in a life time opportunity. Plenty of children don't attend weddings. She still had relationships with her granny and wider family, no one is stopping that.

Show quote history

So.if plenty don't attend, why does non related dd1 need to go?

Bellyblueboy · 26/04/2025 21:52

the7Vabo · 26/04/2025 21:47

By what forcing her to do the “right” thing when all she wants to do is hang out with her granny & cousins at a wedding?’

Show quote history

😂. She is hardly off the rails. Okay her sister wasn’t invited and is upset. Clearly the girls aren’t close - or the younger girls thinks her sister is making a big deal over nothing.

But you know what - maybe younger daughter is learning early that you don’t have sacrifice yourself to make other people happy. It’s not this girls job to manage her sisters disappointment. Nothing she does will change the fact that these people don’t see her sisters disappointment as family. So why should she lose out on a family event that she clearly wants to attend?

My sister and I are very close - and there is no way I would have gone to a wedding at that age that she wasn’t invited to. But this girl isn’t me and she should be allowed to make her own decisions and decide on her own values

She might regret this position when she is older - but that’s all part of maturing.

Leafy3 · 26/04/2025 21:53

CaptainFuture · 26/04/2025 21:52

So.if plenty don't attend, why does non related dd1 need to go?

Show quote history

Talk about missing the point

InterIgnis · 26/04/2025 21:53

Leafy3 · 26/04/2025 21:49

It's a wedding, not a once in a life time opportunity. Plenty of children don't attend weddings. She still had relationships with her granny and wider family, no one is stopping that.

Show quote history

This particular child wants to attend, and is attending, the wedding. OP’s husband, and even OP, have acknowledged that preventing her from going would not have worked out well for them as a family.

Jamum12 · 26/04/2025 21:53

InterIgnis · 26/04/2025 21:50

No, this is still a blended family. They don’t share the same parents, and OP’s husband has no biological or legal relationship with her eldest (he would have the latter had he adopted her).

Show quote history

No one in real life considers that to to be a blended family, it's only when kids who are not related to each other are blended into a new one.

TheHerboriste · 26/04/2025 21:53

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 17:01

Last time we quietly declined for all of us (later younger daughter went alone) but when we were asked we told the reason.

Groom said his wife was dealing with all the invitations and later invited us to the evening do which we declined.

MiL felt we handled it badly and instead of declining we should have asked for another invitation.

Husband blames his brother, the father of the grooms but I know that this is unfair. BiL just says it's the brides that do the inviting.

Last year's groom never really came to our house and we haven't bumped into him at MiL's either although husband has and everything is cordial.

I actually believe last year's groom that there was no malicious intent although it does illustrate that he doesn't see my eldest as family. His brother on the other hand I do think it is a means of being deliberately point scoring for upsetting his mother last time.

My daughter was 12 she is actually nearer 14 now, she sees that it is disappointing but says they are her family and not her sister's. She doesn't see that she needs to be loyal to her in this scenario.

The aftermath would be unbearable if she was banned from going and my husband thinks it would achieve the opposite of what I want, the divide between them would be greater if I stopped the younger one going. She is in and out of her gran's house and my husband wants her to have a relationship with his family and he thinks occasions like this cement relationships . He thinks his absence is enough to demonstrate to me where his loyalties lie.

She sounds like a piece of work herself, frankly. Too old to be so lacking in empathy.

Take your older daughter someplace really nice this time.

InterIgnis · 26/04/2025 21:54

Jamum12 · 26/04/2025 21:53

No one in real life considers that to to be a blended family, it's only when kids who are not related to each other are blended into a new one.

Show quote history

Uhhh, yes, we do, given that it’s the literal definition of a blended family:

dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/blended-family

I don’t know anyone in real life that wouldn’t consider it as such.

the7Vabo · 26/04/2025 21:55

Leafy3 · 26/04/2025 21:49

It's a wedding, not a once in a life time opportunity. Plenty of children don't attend weddings. She still had relationships with her granny and wider family, no one is stopping that.

Show quote history

But DD2 has actually been invited so whether children do/dont attend weddings is irrelevant.

It’s a wedding, for that couple it is their only wedding, it’s not like she can attend their next wedding.

I think what is being asked of her as a 14 year old child is completely unfair. She sees her DH’s as her family not her DS family.

It seems the biggest issue her is the OP struggling with her emotions about how she feels about how her DH’s family view DD1. IMO the mother need to manage those &
leave the 14 year old free to decide what relationship she wants with DH family.

TheHerboriste · 26/04/2025 21:55

Jamum12 · 26/04/2025 21:51

And letting her go would absolutely not teach her the lessons that I would want her to learn either.

I personally don't think it's unfair that the youngest would miss out because I wouldn't want her around a bunch of assholes anyway, and I also don't see any 'unfairness' in expecting the family to extend the invitation to the other girl in the family.

Show quote history

Agree. Younger is picking up some bad attitudes from these people. Op’s husband sounds like a fucking wimp.

CaptainFuture · 26/04/2025 21:55

Leafy3 · 26/04/2025 21:53

Talk about missing the point

Show quote history

It's EXACTLY the point "It's a wedding, not a once in a life time opportunity. Plenty of children don't attend weddings."
So why all the drama and insisting DD1 MUST ATTEND!! Wonder if op and supporters would advocate as much if it was something of dd1s that dd2 wasn't included in!

Ilovelifeverymuch · 26/04/2025 21:55

Jamum12 · 26/04/2025 21:46

This isn't a blended family, blended is when you blend the kids together and they have to learn to blend as one new family.

These kids have the same mother. Her dad had taken on the role of her siblings dad before she was even born.

Show quote history

Semantics, they have different fathers and as a result they have different families members so calling it blended or whatever doesn't change my point.

Yes they will be sisters but pretending they don't have different families or that they will have different relationships with family members is naive. What next, you expect DD2's grandparents to share their assets equally between DD1 and DD2? We all know that will not happen. Heck there have been threads here on mumsnet about this.

I totally agree it's unfair to exclude DD1 especially given DH and been in her life for so long but unfortunately we can't force everyone to do what we want and my point remains DD1 still needs to have her relationship with her family. She shouldn't be used as a pawn to make OP or DD1 feel better.

When DD2 gets married in the future her cousins and grandparents etc will be heavily involved in her wedding, when DD1 get married they will not and that's just life and fact, I don't care how much it upsets OP. Or will OP will insist that DD2 doesn't invite her cousins to her wedding because they excluded DD1 all these years?

I say this as someone who also grew up with siblings having the same mother and different fathers, yes I wanted excluded from events but it was very clear they were my siblings family, there was no illusion that we had the same level of relationship, we all knew we were siblings at home but we also had separate sides of the family.

Dinosaurshoebox · 26/04/2025 21:56

Jamum12 · 26/04/2025 21:51

And letting her go would absolutely not teach her the lessons that I would want her to learn either.

I personally don't think it's unfair that the youngest would miss out because I wouldn't want her around a bunch of assholes anyway, and I also don't see any 'unfairness' in expecting the family to extend the invitation to the other girl in the family.

Show quote history

And long term what would that do to the relationship between mother, daughter and half sister?

Jamum12 · 26/04/2025 21:57

InterIgnis · 26/04/2025 21:54

Uhhh, yes, we do, given that it’s the literal definition of a blended family:

dictionary.cambridge.org/us/dictionary/english/blended-family

I don’t know anyone in real life that wouldn’t consider it as such.

Edited
Show quote history

There was no blending. DD2 was born into the existing family. No one new has been blended in.

No one I know would consider that to be blended, and I know plenty of people with similar families to the OP.