Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

I think it’s really sad that your other daughter wants to go. My DC all argue with each other at home but they all have each others backs and would think very badly of anyone who excluded one.

Where is the loyalty? You need to set the tone here and be firm with your other DD this time, whether she likes it or not. Show DD1 how much her feelings matter too.

I just remembered the most important part!

That OP had cut off contact with her in laws. All of them.
Because they didn't include her eldest DD enough.

Tge Younger DDs had reconnected and were enraged that their mother had denied them their family because of someone who wasn't their family.

They had no reconnected and had rejected their half sister and mother.

The reality is a mother wants a relationship with all her children.
And she has to keep the YDD happy as well.

Agree, that's a bad idea. DD2 clearly thinks differently to OP on this issue, as does DH. Trying to prevent her from attending an important family event because of an attitude to DD1 that she shares is asking to create a wedge later.

Yes the op of that posts husband also agrees with his daughters.

She basically picked and made her first child the golden and most important. It’s backfired hugely as her other daughters pretty much hate her.

I disagree, the younger sister has her own relationship with her family and OP should bro deprive her if that relationship. It will only create animosity and resentment between them.

Yes younger sister going can also cause resentment but it's still more manageable because younger sister can still live and be there for big sis while also having her relationship with her side for her family. Unfortunately they are in a blended family which comes with its complications and challenges.

I am glad OPs DH has made the point to support her older daughter by not going and I also agree with her DH that they cannot stop the younger daughter from having a relationship with her family to support but sister.

Younger sister going to the wedding doesn't want she doesn't love her big sister, but she also loves her wider family and seems to have a great relationship with them so she shouldn't be used as a pawn or put her relationship with her family on the line.

OP tried that already. You cannot lecture and shame someone into agreeing with you, even if that person is your own child. That doesn’t create ‘loyalty’, only bad feeling and resentment that the youngest will carry with her into adulthood, creating long term damage to her maternal and sisterly relationships. The feelings of the eldest are not more important than those of the youngest.

OP’s youngest should not lose out on her relationships with family members she clearly loves because her eldest sister doesn’t share them.

That will create bigger issues between the sisters and also it's unfair to deprive younger sister of a relationship with her family. Unfortunately blended families come with challenges and OPs DH has been very supportive to her daughter.

It's unfair to use younger sister who seems to be close to her family and grandparents etc as a pawn for big sister.

Younger daughter going doesn't mean she doesn't love her but sister but she also loves her wider family and has a good relationship with them.

This is the wrong approach, why should DD2 choose between vacation or being with whr family who she loves and has a good relationship with?

Going to the wedding doesn't mean DD1 doesn't love her sister but she also has her side for the family who OP admitted she is in and out of her grandparents house regularly,OP should bro be using her relationship with her family as a pawn to avoid DD1 being hurt.

DD2 does not need a stern talking to, OPs DH has made a strong statement to support her and her daughter and that's enough. They can't force the family to accept her and they also can't force DD2 to stop having a relationship with her grandparents and cousins etc. DD2 is not a pawn to manage DD1's hurt

And forcing DD2 to stay away will also cause a rift with her DH who has already shown strong support for OP and her daughter.

Unfortunately they have to explain to DD2 that not everyone is fair and DD1 still needs to have a relationship with her family. DD2 is old enough to understand the dynamics of the blended family and impress on her that her step father loves her and accepts her and has taken a stand to support her, but please please please do not use DD2 as a pawn or make her feel guilty for wanting to go to her cousin's wedding.

Agree, but also it's not clear if OP could practically prevent it anyway. DH is evidently not minded to try and stop her from going. There's no united front here. And even if OP manages it on this occasion, the time is approaching when DD2 will vote with her own, independent feet.

But I think the fact that OP isn't entertaining that as an option is probably telling.

I don’t think there is any one “right” way to handle these situations. And I genuinely think it’s fair enough that, just because two people have got married, the rest of their families don’t always fall into line and regard step kids as “theirs”. But there are ways and means of handling this and there’s basic adherence to social norms and manners. In this situation? We are talking about a young girl. Yes - she’s not related to her stepdad’s family. They may not regard her as “family”. But that doesn’t excuse them for being totally tudr and exclusionary. They live as a family of foiur; it’s just basic good manners to invite them all to a function.

Can see good parenting isn't yours....

You don’t need to “lose it” or “strong arm” someone, to be able to point out that standing by your sibling, who is purposely being left out of family events, is the loving and loyal thing to do.

I totally agree with this. She is old enough to have the emotional maturity to understand loyalty a d she clearly has none.
My best friend is in a similar position. She had a son with her first (arsehole) partner and then had another with her current husband. The two boys have each other’s backs. The younger would never go swanning off to a wedding if his brother was so obviously excluded

And in this week's episode of Happy Blended Families...

And what if she doesn't like her half sister?
What if she has no plans to stabd by her?
What if she doesn't see a future relationship with her?

You can’t tell anybody especially a child how to feel.

DD2 feels that DH’s family are her family not her sisters. And technically speaking she is correct. The OP also refers to DD2 having a relationship with her granny, it’s unclear what relationship if much of a one DD1 has with DH family.

If the DD2 chooses to not go of her own accord fine, but she isn’t. And I don’t think telling her her feelings are “wrong” or that she has to exclude herself from a family event she’s invited to will actually help anything. It will likely lead her to resent her sister.

Why are you letting her go? I wouldn’t have even told mine about it. All together, or not at all.

Does that go both ways? The dd1 isn't allowed to do anything unless dd2 is also included?
Doubt that'll happen!

What kind of message does that give to the the youngest child ...you're not allowed to go to your family events even thought you're invited and you want to go?

No, they don't have to think of you the same but when you were still a child of the household you hopefully were treated the same.

It says 'it is unacceptable to send invitations which exclude only one person in the family. Never do this'.

That’s well and good but she is old enough to understand that family or not, they are behaving badly. She can still have a relationship with them, but stand up to them too!
I have family members who I love and cherish but sometimes they act very badly - and I’m not afraid to say so.
She is putting her desire to go to a party over her sister’s feelings.

None of you go. Make it clear to your youngest her sister IS HER FAMILY and a damn site more important than some random cousin. She’s being bitchy. I wouldn’t tolerate it. Your eldest didn’t choose any of this and your youngest is lucky her parents are still together and I’d be reminding her of that. It’s the cousins fault she can’t go. It’s all go together for nobody goes.

Would you have felt dreadful watching your siblings receive gifts and invites that you didn't get?

It's really simple. As the parents you either all attend or all stay home. You do NOT allow one child to go. This IS WHY THEY THINK IT IS OK TO ONLY INVITE ONE CHILD AGAIN. Had you declined the child's invite, they would not have invited only one child yet again. Have a back bone and let them know that treating your children differently is not acceptable.