Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

That's only those who chose to blend.
DD2 didn't ask for this drama.
She didn't ask for a half sister.

OP is doing the best she can, she needs to maintain a relationship with both her children

I'm sorry you're going through this and my view still remains the same as the first time, let your younger daughter go to avoid resentment building up and also they are her family so you can't exclude her from her family unfortunately.

Having said that I think it's very mean to exclude your older daughter like this and I would keep her away from the side of the family going forward. I am glad that your husband stood by her and supported her, that's a huge win to me and something that should hopefully make her feel loved and that she belongs in your core family even though the wider family don't accept her the same way. Unfortunately life isn't fair so help her work through it and accept it as is and continue to support and stand up for her

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone its very strange that your in-laws didn’t welcome a baby into their family when you and your husband got together. Two year olds are so adorable, what kind of a family wouldn’t adore her, then, now and everything in between! Do they have hearts of stone? She won’t remember a time when your husband wasn’t her dad, presumably has no memory of her biological father. That in itself could be enough to damage her if not handled very careful, which I’m sure you have done. But the rejection by this paternal family is just cruel.

What are you saying here? That OP's older daughter should be thrown out of the family as she is spoiling it?

No but that not all ingredients will make the cake you want.

You’ll end up with a meal but it might not be what you desired.

The only people who decided to blend were the husband and wife. His family did not agree to accept her child and clearly haven’t. There will have been signs for a very very long time this won’t be new. They might of overlooked them before but now they cannot the joint child clearly as lots of children doing blended families that not all family are both family.

Only if they're added with resentment & not necessary. It's never the child's fault.They should all be treated the same by all concerned when they become part of a blended family

There was a poster before who had 1 child and then 2 with her her new DH.
Similar I believe to OP that ODD didn't have a paternal relationships.

That OP was breaking her heart because the 2 younger DDs had chosen their paternal family in adult hood.

All power lost, all reasoning. There's nothing that can be done.
OP will never win a battle against her YDD and the Inlaws.
She has to just work with what she can

Yeah I think every blended family has to do what works for them but I do find this really unusual when they’ve been “blended” since the 14 year old was little more than a baby. It’s not the same as a situation where a family meets older or adult step kids etc, where I can understand not functioning like a “nuclear” family.

I would personally be focussing my attention on my youngest daughter, and ask why she’s happy for her sister to be excluded twice in one year. Personally, I wouldn’t let her go and remind her that family is important.
how will she feel if not included in your oldest daughters big events in future, because they aren’t full sisters?
your youngest daughters family is you four, I actually think she needs to be reminded of that.

Not really my half siblings who’s younger than me family where nice enough to me presents and invites to things like weddings. They are their family though not mine. I don’t expect them to love me the same or think of me exactly the same.

I was around 3 when my blended family was made. Still fully knew the difference despite gifts and invites.

I agree but if I was the OP I also wouldn’t want either of my children around people who think like this because it’s not the morals we are raising our family with. I have a range of friends and relatives who have children who came to their families in many different ways - biological, step, adoption and via kinship care. We value love and care and acceptance and inclusivity, not DNA. So while the OPs child’s family have a right to their own opinions, she also has a right to be upset that her daughter is being influenced by people who don’t share her values. Sadly it’s probably too late to do much about it.

And what happenes when she counts out they are her family.

I think you need to teach your children that family can be awful and loyalty starts at home . Nobody should go .

In a good or bad way?

I wouldn’t do that. DD2 is a child she wants to go to her dad’s family wedding, and the OP is of the view that it is likely going to cause great resentment stopping her. DD2 also seems to hold quite a strong view that her dad’s family are her family not DD1’s family.

OP you say last time you thought what was done wasn’t malicious. It seems these are DH ‘s brothers sons weddings so it is the wives organising the wedding. So they should presumably aren’t as clued into the family set-up as they would be if they were the brother’s daughters. So the better thing to do, as MIL said would have been to ask for another invite.

This time why not extend the olive branch. Explain the hurt and ask if DD1 can be included. I can’t imagine they’ll say no.

As much as DD2 view of her sister’s relationship with her dad’s family may not be what you would wish they are her feelings. You can of course discuss your feeling with her and try to make her understand your perspective.

A 14 year old should know right from wrong . Sorry OP she should know she can’t go . If you let her you will only teach her being a selfish brat is ok .

Why are you letting your youngest daughter make the rules here, are you not the parent?? I'd be telling her she isn't going, and if she huffs she huffs, I'm disgusted with your family to be honest, who does this to a child. What a way to make her feel like she's not part of the family and your madam of a younger daughter needs a lesson in loyalty, I'd be ashamed if my daughter said these things to her sister.
OP, grow a set and put your foot down, your husband's family are arseholes and you shouldn't be playing along with this.

I always felt welcome would have sleep overs at aunties. But I just always knew their where not my actual family they where my family in the ways they wanted to be not because someone forced them to be.

I could call them aunty or Sharon that was fine. I could ring nanny to come rescue me in an emergency and she would come.

My mother never forced them to include me and never stopped my sibling doing things with them on the rare events I wasn’t thought of from extended step family.

I’d still say step half families suck for the children involved and don’t work though and I never had expectations set that some people seem to have. I got to grow up with my sibling having a full family living together knowing mine didn’t give a shit but their family couldn’t fix that hole that would have been a plaster but not a fix.

My shitty family ruined everything I could have had the most amazing step in the world and it’s still my biological family who fucked it all, and this is the angst here op and her oldest deep down the problem is the shit dad and family not poor steps. Because if she had an amazing loving dad and granny and grandad and aunties and uncles on her dads side she wouldn’t give a shit what her half sister was invited too because she would have stuff she would be doing with her family without her sister too.

It’s really sad for both the girls, you parents want the best for them, they are sisters!

But are your DHs family sending some kind of message here and is there more to it and is your DH rightfully staying out of it. There are some family dynamics that we can’t always fight.

Things are being said, which is even more worrying than wedding invitations, this is more than ‘payback’.

I’m sorry that was your experience. It must be hard to feel blended but also missing something. I’m a stepmum and my family are very involved with my DSD and treat her the same as a biological niece/grandchild, as do her stepdads family, but I acknowledge that she’s having a different experience as she still has a very involved biological Mum and Dad who care for her 50:50. I’d imagine it’s more difficult for children to blend if they are seeing siblings have something they don’t have.

This is horrible and I am so surprised by people's reactions on your original thread. I have a similar set up although my boys are now young adults. We are a family. My youngest would not hear anyone say any different, even from a young age. I'd tell them all to F-off. My husbands family treat both of my children as family. My ex used to get my youngest a little something at birthdays and christmas when he was younger too so my oldest wasn't sat there left out. Most decent people would feel uncomfortable being dicks to children. If loyalty to loving family members is an attribute you want your youngest to have, you need to instill it.

I do think that makes a difference. If a child has two loving parents and extended family who are involved their main or only issue will be the just not having a whole family like the half has.

whereas if your family are gone your watching them have everything while knowing your family just don’t care about you and no amount of love from their family will fix or make that better.

Because the short and long term ramifications could be far more damaging to family relationships than letting her go would be.

Her husband doesn’t want to stop the youngest from going, and won’t prevent her having a relationship with her paternal family. It isn’t her, or their, fault that her sister doesn’t have a relationship with her own father and his family.

I think you should all not attend. Go off and have a family day out