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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

876 replies

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 15:20

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time o...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5069694-12-year-old-wants-to-go-to-wedding-where-sister-hasnt-been-invited

OP posts:
StClabberts · 28/04/2025 15:55

NotSafeInTaxis · 28/04/2025 15:46

You can think the invite was unreasonable and still think the younger child can go if they want to.

I would invite them all, I don't think it was ok to exclude them. I do however think that if the related child wants to go, she absolutely can go.

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This, particularly as some of the posters agreeing with OP that it would be a bad idea to try and stop DD2 from going are doing so partly because she so clearly can't.

I would not have sent this invitation, even with OP and DH having fumbled the situation so badly last year. It's a bizarre thing to do, in a way that last year's wasn't. Doesn't mean the responses from people who think OP ought to try and prevent DD2 from going in the circumstances she's facing, not idealised ones aren't generally controlling and naive. They're two separate points.

WhatNoRaisins · 28/04/2025 16:10

I think if DD2 was a younger child I'd be going for the "we are a united family" approach. With teenagers it's harder. At that age you're starting to see yourself as more of a separate person from your family and it sounds like she has her own independent relationship with these people. Forcing her not to attend could do more harm than good.

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 16:10

SerafinasGoose · 28/04/2025 13:34

A lot of hyperbole to unpick here.

I nowhere suggested that DD2 should be expected to 'sacrifice' her familial relationships. The OP's post was about two wedding invitations specifically excluding one member of her family unit. Had the parents alone been invited, without either child, no one would have thought further of it. 'Child-free' weddings are an accepted norm. Conversely, singling one child out for exclusion is vindictive, unnecessary, and should by no means be encouraged.

It's a parent's duty to protect their family unit from manipulative, divisive behaviour with potentially serious repercussions. OP is trying her damndest to do her best by both daughters, but in this regard she made a mistake and it's now led her to the same untenable position she was in a year ago. Her husband doesn't exactly help matters.

There is a lesson to be learned here about family loyalty, and this situation provides a good opportunity to teach it. At twelve years of age it's to be reasonably expected that DD1 would abide by the directives of her parents. Not allowing her to attend one wedding is not 'making her suffer'; no one's telling her her relationship with these troublemaking relatives is off-limits. But encouraging division between two previously close and supportive sisters is very likely to cause future suffering to both.

It's interesting that you consider any loyalty on DD2's part toward her own sister to be 'misguided', whereas loyalty to her granny and extended cousins is perfectly understandable. I'm curious as to how you have reached that somewhat illogical conclusion.

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Agree

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 16:12

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 13:35

I wasn’t aware that both parents were required to take the youngest to MIL’s house.

Show quote history

Maybe both parents were invited?

Notonthestairs · 28/04/2025 16:13

NotSafeInTaxis · 28/04/2025 15:46

You can think the invite was unreasonable and still think the younger child can go if they want to.

I would invite them all, I don't think it was ok to exclude them. I do however think that if the related child wants to go, she absolutely can go.

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I didn’t say anything about the younger child at all.

I was reflecting on the poll - I thought that was pretty clear from my wording.

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 16:22

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 13:59

The irony.

OP’s youngest is nearly 14, and fully capable of forming her own opinions that may or may not be shared with her mother.

She attended the wedding last year under the same circumstances, despite OP’s opposition and attempts to teach her said ‘valuable lesson’. Thankfully, she is supported by her father to do the same this year.

She has spent her entire life being encouraged to form close bonds with her paternal family, and she has done just that. She loves them, and they are important relationships for her (evidenced by the fact she in and out of their houses weekly). She exists independently of her sister, and her sister’s lack of paternal family hasn’t prevented, and shouldn’t prevent, her from actively participating in hers.

Expecting her to ‘take a stand’ for her nearly adult sister now will not teach her ‘loyalty’, it will only cement resentment (which even OP acknowledges, and given that she knows her daughter she’s unlikely to be wrong) it which is hardly conducive to either a good sibling relationship or a mother - daughter one.

Her older sister is not their family in the way that she is. That isn’t her fault, any more than it is the in laws fault. DD1’s lack of paternal family is the fault of her paternal family alone, and is not something the younger daughter and her family should be expected to either provide to her, or pay for.

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I really don’t understand why you are so be vehemently pro in-laws when they are being so spiteful to the older daughter. You can say they’re not but from my standpoint they are. All you seem to do is concentrate on how this affects the younger one with no real thought or compassion toward the elder. Most decent people would have invited the elder daughter who has been on their lives since she was a toddler. She hasn’t suddenly popped up from nowhere

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 16:36

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 16:22

I really don’t understand why you are so be vehemently pro in-laws when they are being so spiteful to the older daughter. You can say they’re not but from my standpoint they are. All you seem to do is concentrate on how this affects the younger one with no real thought or compassion toward the elder. Most decent people would have invited the elder daughter who has been on their lives since she was a toddler. She hasn’t suddenly popped up from nowhere

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I have no problem acknowledging that the older daughter is hurt, but that does not mean I think the in-laws or younger sister have done or are doing anything wrong.

It is not their fault that she does not have that, and it wasn’t and isn’t their responsibility to provide it. She is weeks, if not months, away from being an adult now, so that ship has very much sailed anyway. Denying the youngest sister those relationships that are important to her, when she has spent her entire life building them
to be strong and close ones, will not give her sister those family bonds, or make things fair. It will only hurt the youngest. It’s fine if you neither understand nor agree.

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 16:37

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 16:12

Maybe both parents were invited?

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I don’t think that would have prevented one from remaining home with DD1.

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 16:40

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 16:37

I don’t think that would have prevented one from remaining home with DD1.

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Honestly I think you are grasping at straws.. why on earth would you think they should go separately? That’s bizarre.

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 16:45

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 16:36

I have no problem acknowledging that the older daughter is hurt, but that does not mean I think the in-laws or younger sister have done or are doing anything wrong.

It is not their fault that she does not have that, and it wasn’t and isn’t their responsibility to provide it. She is weeks, if not months, away from being an adult now, so that ship has very much sailed anyway. Denying the youngest sister those relationships that are important to her, when she has spent her entire life building them
to be strong and close ones, will not give her sister those family bonds, or make things fair. It will only hurt the youngest. It’s fine if you neither understand nor agree.

Show quote history

The in laws have done wrong and they have been ridiculously spiteful to a young person and a lot of people on this thread can see that. You are far too caught up in how the younger one and the in laws feelings especially when they are the one causing it. I mean really how difficult would it have been to extend an invitation to the elder daughter?I’m sorry to say I can not see ANY compassion coming from you towards the elder daughter. I wonder if you are allowing personal experience to cloud your view on this?

Helen1625 · 28/04/2025 16:46

Another thing that's just sprung to mind....

The family don't seem to have considered that they're putting your husband in an awkward position. They know he lives with his wife, stepdaughter and daughter, yet they are saying he can bring only part of his family unit. Did it not cross their mind that it might cause tension?

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 16:56

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 16:45

The in laws have done wrong and they have been ridiculously spiteful to a young person and a lot of people on this thread can see that. You are far too caught up in how the younger one and the in laws feelings especially when they are the one causing it. I mean really how difficult would it have been to extend an invitation to the elder daughter?I’m sorry to say I can not see ANY compassion coming from you towards the elder daughter. I wonder if you are allowing personal experience to cloud your view on this?

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Clearly we don’t agree and aren’t going to. Like I said, I don’t think they’re spiteful or wrong at all. You are of course free to think otherwise.

And nope, I have one brother and we share the same biological parents who remain together. I am not, and never have been, a stepparent either. My personal experience of blended families is that OP’s family dynamic is a totally normal one, and my professional experience is largely the same. The blended families that followed the ‘exactly the same as a nuclear family’ model were very much in the minority.

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 16:58

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 16:40

Honestly I think you are grasping at straws.. why on earth would you think they should go separately? That’s bizarre.

Show quote history

Why shouldn’t they? It’s hardly a big deal. Hell, my brother and I didn’t always visit our extended family members together, and we do share them.

Feelingmuchbetter · 28/04/2025 17:05

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 15:14

The division was created when OP had two children with two men whose families would not offer their respective relatives the same. Trying to pretend that they are the same, and trying to force others into supporting that narrative does no one any favors.

I don’t hold the nuclear family to be ‘most important’, no. Family dynamics and nuanced and complex, particularly with blended families, and sweeping absolutist statements that don’t reflect that are rarely helpful to the individuals that make up those families.

Op’s youngest has been raised to be close to her paternal family, with her father at least actively encouraging it. Like it or not, her relationships with them are important to her, and she should not be expected to choose between her extended family and the one she lives with. It is not her fault that her sister does not have the same, and it is not her responsibility to give up her own for her sister. Harming her under the guise of ‘protecting her sister’, no matter how much you try and spin it into a positive for her, will not make anything for better, for her sister or anyone involved. Again, she is a person independent of her sister, with her own thoughts and feelings, wants and needs. Her sister is not the main character her life must revolve around.

She has been raised with this dynamic being absolutely normal to her. She knows, as her sister does, that her paternal family is not her sister’s and has no problem with it. She’s not going to suddenly change her mind because her mother wants her to now.

There is no reason for this wedding to wreck the family unit, any more than the last one did, or any more than the youngest being in and out of her grandparents house weekly, when her sister has little to no relationship with them, does. As if preventing her from going (if OP even could prevent a determined 14 year old from attending, especially when she has the support of her father) wouldn’t do the same amount of, if not more, damage that you envision her going would.

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You are either projecting or you are ops mother in law, because your stance on this is very unreasonable.

You are saying that the grandmother and outer relatives should take precedence over her own sister and parents? And that given at the moment they have a reasonably good relationship (which is questionable to say the least) then this must be prioritised over all else, and the mil’s despicable bullying should simply be ignored??

On what planet would any sibling choose to ignore such unkindness? I don’t know anyone in real life that would choose a random grandmother over their own sibling and parental bonds. It’s just not realistic or bearing any relation to real life.

DD2 should have been raised to deeply care and love her sister, and would find it unthinkable to witness such horrible bullying. It should not be beyond dd2 to talk to her grandmother if they are so close, and tell her exactly what she thinks about it.

If they are so close why on earth would her grandmother put dd2 and her son in such a difficult position? it’s power play that’s why. She cares more about scoring points over op than she does about dd2 or their relationship.

Most families work hard to foster and develop deep bonds, they do not erode away at the foundations by bullying a child.

Your total lack of empathy for dd1 shines through, the absence of decency is very illuminating. I don’t know a single person in real life that would ever behave like this towards a child, but here you are defending the indefensible. Maybe for kicks?

Op your mistake was allowing your toxic mother in law way too much unsupervised access to your younger child. She has made a black sheep of your eldest, and is being sowing poisonous seeds of division, and this will be just the beginning.

Move away, it’s not too late to influence the outcome, and change the course of the future. It’s not okay for dd2 to be brainwashed into joining a group family action designed to hurt your other child, her own sister.

I believe this has all been done to hurt and undermine the op, but why? Op’s mil has weaponised both girls to really damage ops authority and dynamic. Unless op really wakes up to this toxicity, she is set to endure much more where this came from, and it’s likely to escalate.

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 17:15

Feelingmuchbetter · 28/04/2025 17:05

You are either projecting or you are ops mother in law, because your stance on this is very unreasonable.

You are saying that the grandmother and outer relatives should take precedence over her own sister and parents? And that given at the moment they have a reasonably good relationship (which is questionable to say the least) then this must be prioritised over all else, and the mil’s despicable bullying should simply be ignored??

On what planet would any sibling choose to ignore such unkindness? I don’t know anyone in real life that would choose a random grandmother over their own sibling and parental bonds. It’s just not realistic or bearing any relation to real life.

DD2 should have been raised to deeply care and love her sister, and would find it unthinkable to witness such horrible bullying. It should not be beyond dd2 to talk to her grandmother if they are so close, and tell her exactly what she thinks about it.

If they are so close why on earth would her grandmother put dd2 and her son in such a difficult position? it’s power play that’s why. She cares more about scoring points over op than she does about dd2 or their relationship.

Most families work hard to foster and develop deep bonds, they do not erode away at the foundations by bullying a child.

Your total lack of empathy for dd1 shines through, the absence of decency is very illuminating. I don’t know a single person in real life that would ever behave like this towards a child, but here you are defending the indefensible. Maybe for kicks?

Op your mistake was allowing your toxic mother in law way too much unsupervised access to your younger child. She has made a black sheep of your eldest, and is being sowing poisonous seeds of division, and this will be just the beginning.

Move away, it’s not too late to influence the outcome, and change the course of the future. It’s not okay for dd2 to be brainwashed into joining a group family action designed to hurt your other child, her own sister.

I believe this has all been done to hurt and undermine the op, but why? Op’s mil has weaponised both girls to really damage ops authority and dynamic. Unless op really wakes up to this toxicity, she is set to endure much more where this came from, and it’s likely to escalate.

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Show quote history

‘You can’t possibly not be doing what I want to believe you are!’

Lol, okay. If believing that makes you feel better then by all means go for it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Like I said, my own real life experience is that this dynamic is indeed very normal, whether it suits you to believe that or not.

The in laws have not bullied the oldest by not treating her as something she is not. Wanting them to fulfill those familial roles for her does not mean that is something that can be demanded. If it was so important to her that her oldest daughter get that, then she should not have had a second child with a man whose family were not offering that. That she did does not mean the responsibility falls upon the youngest to give up her own relationships.

OP’s daughter is 14, and her closeness to her paternal family has been instilled into her since she was a child. Her father supports and wants that for her. Ironically, what you’re suggesting OP does is brainwash her into what you deem to be ‘right think’, as if her daughter can be forced into sharing the same opinion as her mother. As if that couldn’t possibly backfire spectacularly and damage the very relationships you claim should be protected.

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 17:19

Feelingmuchbetter · 28/04/2025 17:05

You are either projecting or you are ops mother in law, because your stance on this is very unreasonable.

You are saying that the grandmother and outer relatives should take precedence over her own sister and parents? And that given at the moment they have a reasonably good relationship (which is questionable to say the least) then this must be prioritised over all else, and the mil’s despicable bullying should simply be ignored??

On what planet would any sibling choose to ignore such unkindness? I don’t know anyone in real life that would choose a random grandmother over their own sibling and parental bonds. It’s just not realistic or bearing any relation to real life.

DD2 should have been raised to deeply care and love her sister, and would find it unthinkable to witness such horrible bullying. It should not be beyond dd2 to talk to her grandmother if they are so close, and tell her exactly what she thinks about it.

If they are so close why on earth would her grandmother put dd2 and her son in such a difficult position? it’s power play that’s why. She cares more about scoring points over op than she does about dd2 or their relationship.

Most families work hard to foster and develop deep bonds, they do not erode away at the foundations by bullying a child.

Your total lack of empathy for dd1 shines through, the absence of decency is very illuminating. I don’t know a single person in real life that would ever behave like this towards a child, but here you are defending the indefensible. Maybe for kicks?

Op your mistake was allowing your toxic mother in law way too much unsupervised access to your younger child. She has made a black sheep of your eldest, and is being sowing poisonous seeds of division, and this will be just the beginning.

Move away, it’s not too late to influence the outcome, and change the course of the future. It’s not okay for dd2 to be brainwashed into joining a group family action designed to hurt your other child, her own sister.

I believe this has all been done to hurt and undermine the op, but why? Op’s mil has weaponised both girls to really damage ops authority and dynamic. Unless op really wakes up to this toxicity, she is set to endure much more where this came from, and it’s likely to escalate.

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Show quote history

100 this

Aworldofmyown · 28/04/2025 17:22

I'm a half sibling and I can tell you this stuff is far more damaging than you can imagine, your eldest will tell this story when she's older as an example of her not being a 'full' part of the family.
I will say it again, as I'm pretty sure i said it on you first post. NONE of you should be going.

mowbraygirl · 28/04/2025 17:22

My friend has 2 daughters the older one was married and had a 6 months old daughter when her husband was tragically killed by a drug/drink driver. When the little girl was 5 she met and married someone else who my friend really likes. they then had another daughter who was born when her daughter was 7. The husbands family never really classed the first daughter as part of their family except for one of the DH's Aunty who had the same situation in her family and the stance they took really annoyed her.

When the girls were 14 and 7 DH's brothers daughter was getting married as his wife was a florist and her sister and her husband had a printing business so when they were planning the wedding the grandmother suggested to the bride that they ask them for quotes her reply was I what a professional job not local people. Now the 2 girls have very successful businesses they get a lot of work from the local funeral directors and are well known in the area for good prices and very professional work.

The wedding invitations went out and the 14 year old was excluded and were told they weren't blood family. They were not very happy about it at all but didn't want to make too much fuss and my friend said she would have her as they only live 10 minute walk away.

About 3 weeks before the wedding the 2 sisters who belong to a local Business Forum heard via the grapevine that the florist and printer the bride and groom were using were in financial difficulties. It was run by a husband and wife who had shops next to each other. Two weeks before the wedding the bride went to the printers to pick up the order of services and place names etc. found the place all shut up and appeared to be empty on asking around found they had done a flit over a weekend. So you can imagine panic tried some other places but they couldn't or wouldn't help them at all as it appears she had asked them for quotes then told them she wasn't paying what they wanted she was sure she could get it done cheaper elsewhere.

They were in an absolute panic as to what they could do so the grandmother asked her son would his wife and her sister be able to help them out. He said what after the bride turned them down for a more professional job and then not inviting his step daughter. He said the request should come from the bride and groom in the end they came grovelling as they were desperate. Said it was a misunderstanding about the girl not being invited which they didn't believe. Anyhow the 2 sisters and the husband did the flowers for them and printing was a lot of extra work to what they usually do and they charged them the going rate. They think the bride and groom thought that the florist should give them a special rate as was family and they lost what they had paid the other people.

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 17:23

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 17:15

‘You can’t possibly not be doing what I want to believe you are!’

Lol, okay. If believing that makes you feel better then by all means go for it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Like I said, my own real life experience is that this dynamic is indeed very normal, whether it suits you to believe that or not.

The in laws have not bullied the oldest by not treating her as something she is not. Wanting them to fulfill those familial roles for her does not mean that is something that can be demanded. If it was so important to her that her oldest daughter get that, then she should not have had a second child with a man whose family were not offering that. That she did does not mean the responsibility falls upon the youngest to give up her own relationships.

OP’s daughter is 14, and her closeness to her paternal family has been instilled into her since she was a child. Her father supports and wants that for her. Ironically, what you’re suggesting OP does is brainwash her into what you deem to be ‘right think’, as if her daughter can be forced into sharing the same opinion as her mother. As if that couldn’t possibly backfire spectacularly and damage the very relationships you claim should be protected.

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Your experience is not everyone’s and your experiences is just that yours! I am utterly baffled that you think spiteful behaviour is acceptable and it doesn’t matter how many times you say it’s not it is. Do you honestly think it is far too difficult to invite her to a wedding? She’s not asking for a kidney. The in-laws behaviour is not normal and it doesn’t matter how many times you say it is, it isn’t

Notonthestairs · 28/04/2025 17:31

Well it seems the OP’s husband was wrong to assume his feelings matter at all - blood is not necessary thicker than making a cheap point at a teenager’s expense.
Thank heavens he is prepared to stand by her.

14 years of involvement in her life is meaningful to him - i hope she takes some comfort from that.

Widower2014 · 28/04/2025 17:35

Nobody go. If anyone asks why tell the truth. If they won't invite your eldest, then don't invite any of you

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 17:38

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 17:23

Your experience is not everyone’s and your experiences is just that yours! I am utterly baffled that you think spiteful behaviour is acceptable and it doesn’t matter how many times you say it’s not it is. Do you honestly think it is far too difficult to invite her to a wedding? She’s not asking for a kidney. The in-laws behaviour is not normal and it doesn’t matter how many times you say it is, it isn’t

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And no matter how many times you want to tell me I’m wrong I’m still not going to agree with you.

I have not claimed, or believe, that my experience is shared by everyone. It isn’t, any more than yours is.

What I have said is that this dynamic is common one in blended families, because it is. Given the regularity with which threads about similar issues occur, I’m surprised that some people still insist that this is surprising.

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 17:41

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 17:38

And no matter how many times you want to tell me I’m wrong I’m still not going to agree with you.

I have not claimed, or believe, that my experience is shared by everyone. It isn’t, any more than yours is.

What I have said is that this dynamic is common one in blended families, because it is. Given the regularity with which threads about similar issues occur, I’m surprised that some people still insist that this is surprising.

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I’m not talking about other posts on here more your dismissive attitude towards the eldest daughter compared to your attitude towards the in-laws and the younger daughter who you think their behaviour is beyond reproach.

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 17:46

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 17:41

I’m not talking about other posts on here more your dismissive attitude towards the eldest daughter compared to your attitude towards the in-laws and the younger daughter who you think their behaviour is beyond reproach.

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Yes, I’m quite aware you’ve taken issue with me, I’m just not sure what you expect me to do about it. We don’t agree, and you don’t like my opinion. Oh well.

Munnygirl · 28/04/2025 17:58

InterIgnis · 28/04/2025 17:46

Yes, I’m quite aware you’ve taken issue with me, I’m just not sure what you expect me to do about it. We don’t agree, and you don’t like my opinion. Oh well.

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I don’t expect you to do anything. My only hope is that you aren’t a step parent or a
step grandparent

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