Page 27 | Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 2025-04-26T14:20:56+00:00

[[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5069694-12-year-old-wants-to-go-to-wedding-where-sister-hasnt-been-invited 12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet]] This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again. Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom. Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent. My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again. The family clearly want to make some bizarre point. I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation --grovelled --for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity. I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:52

100% agree.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:54

Bellyblueboy · 27/04/2025 22:47

I have adopted cousins and step cousins. The adopted cousins are just my cousins - no difference and were never treated any differently.

the step cousins aren’t thought of as cousins. I t may be because the steps were older when their dad married my aunt and they have never attended family functions. But to be honest I didn’t even realise there was such a thing as step cousins until threads on mumsnet!

But I do hate is when people equate step families to adopted families. They are very different things. Step families are created when adults marry and the relationships on last while those adults remain married. Adoption is centered on the child and is legally binding. The commitment is to be that’s child’s parent - for life. Legally, emotionally, morally. Completely different.

I can’t say I’ve ever heard anyone use the language “step cousin” either.

InterIgnis · 27/04/2025 22:55

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 22:45

I can honestly say I've never heard of an adopted child being treated like this.

I agree that the family might secretly prefer the biological children but I've never seen a case either on MN or in real life where the family are openly excluding and hostile to an adopted child who's been in the family since they were a toddler.

There are enormous parallels between that and this situation. A piece of paper makes no practical difference. Literally none.

I also fully accept that someone people are spiteful enough to think this is acceptable. Doesn't mean I have to understand it, or applaud it.

I'm just grateful that not everyone in the world thinks this is an acceptable way to act.

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Adoption establishes an actual legal relationship that simply marrying a parent does not. A stepparent may act as a parent to their stepchild, but they are not one. An adopted parent is. A stepchild will usually disappear out of the lives of the stepparent and their family should the relationship fail. This is not the case with adoption.

That said, it can and does happen with adoption, regardless of whether you’ve heard about it or not. Generally prior to an adoption a lot of work and vetting of prospective adopters is done, in part for precisely this reason.

TBH I don’t personally know a blended family that doesn’t have the dynamic that OP’s has. Professionally, that has also been my experience in the majority of cases.

Iammatrix · 27/04/2025 23:01

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 22:45

I can honestly say I've never heard of an adopted child being treated like this.

I agree that the family might secretly prefer the biological children but I've never seen a case either on MN or in real life where the family are openly excluding and hostile to an adopted child who's been in the family since they were a toddler.

There are enormous parallels between that and this situation. A piece of paper makes no practical difference. Literally none.

I also fully accept that someone people are spiteful enough to think this is acceptable. Doesn't mean I have to understand it, or applaud it.

I'm just grateful that not everyone in the world thinks this is an acceptable way to act.

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They are not hostile. DD1 only knows about this if her parents tell her. OP has never suggested that DD2 is being mean or rubbing anything in her sisters face. It is for DD2s, DPs to protect her from this.

And spiteful, is going to far.

There is abuse in the world unfortunately but I wouldn’t go so far to put this in such extreme category.

You will say you didn’t suggest abuse but you did accuse DD2 family of hostility and spitefulness against a 15 year old.

This is about complex family relationships.

Never has OP suggested that her DD is being ill treated. OP would like her 2 DDs to be treated equally by DHs family.

Ok, we all get that. There have been subtle undercurrents going on for many years, the wedding invites have brought them out into the open.

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 23:05

I have a DP who I got together with when my twins were 4 months old. I’d known him for years. DC are now 15 years old and we’re finally getting round to adoption.

I’m going to step away from this thread now as it’s too close to home and I think I’ve made my views known.

Thankfully DP’s family has always treated DC like the rest of their grandchildren and to their “step-cousins”, luckily they’ve always just been seen as cousins.

Nothing will ever persuade me that excluding a child who’s been part of the family since the age of 2 is anything other than spiteful, unnecessary, and deeply unkind.

Obviously some of you disagree and we’re never going to find common ground on this.

Have a good evening all.

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 23:06

Bellyblueboy · 27/04/2025 22:47

I have adopted cousins and step cousins. The adopted cousins are just my cousins - no difference and were never treated any differently.

the step cousins aren’t thought of as cousins. I t may be because the steps were older when their dad married my aunt and they have never attended family functions. But to be honest I didn’t even realise there was such a thing as step cousins until threads on mumsnet!

But I do hate is when people equate step families to adopted families. They are very different things. Step families are created when adults marry and the relationships on last while those adults remain married. Adoption is centered on the child and is legally binding. The commitment is to be that’s child’s parent - for life. Legally, emotionally, morally. Completely different.

Is it easy to adopt a child in the UK though? I'm Irish and it's definitely not easy here, they need the biological fathers consent.
And also up until 2017 we had a law which meant that if a mother wanted the stepfather to adopt the child then bizarrely she had to give up her own parental rights and then adopt her own child with the the partner.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 23:11

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 23:05

I have a DP who I got together with when my twins were 4 months old. I’d known him for years. DC are now 15 years old and we’re finally getting round to adoption.

I’m going to step away from this thread now as it’s too close to home and I think I’ve made my views known.

Thankfully DP’s family has always treated DC like the rest of their grandchildren and to their “step-cousins”, luckily they’ve always just been seen as cousins.

Nothing will ever persuade me that excluding a child who’s been part of the family since the age of 2 is anything other than spiteful, unnecessary, and deeply unkind.

Obviously some of you disagree and we’re never going to find common ground on this.

Have a good evening all.

Ah I’m sorry SareS. As I’m sure you know people get a bit carried away sometimes when going back & forth on MNs.

Iammatrix · 27/04/2025 23:31

I am a DGM of 2. My SIL has totally embraced my DGD, his SD and so have all of his family.

No this hasn’t gone on in our family but it is happening in OPs and that is why she has posted. Most responses have been considered.

I’m going to leave this thread now.

OP, you are doing all you can to provide for the best interests of both your girls. That’s all that
matters. Guide them and protect them!

Bellyblueboy · 27/04/2025 23:35

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 23:06

Is it easy to adopt a child in the UK though? I'm Irish and it's definitely not easy here, they need the biological fathers consent.
And also up until 2017 we had a law which meant that if a mother wanted the stepfather to adopt the child then bizarrely she had to give up her own parental rights and then adopt her own child with the the partner.

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I didn’t necessarily mean a step parent who goes on to adopt. In my family’s case this is not the situation with the adopted cousins - they were adopted as a sibling group when they were very young.

I was, perhaps clumsily, pointing out that becoming a step parent is often (but not always) very different to becoming an adoptive parent. You can be a step parent to a child or adult that you have never. And will never, meet.

and in the case of my family the step cousins joined at a much older age, didn’t spend much time with my aunt (their step mother) and never attended family functions. Had my aunt adopted them, they would have been with her full time, and we would have gotten to know them.

auderesperare · 27/04/2025 23:57

Do you have a family WhatsApp group or some other way of communicating with the wider family? If so, I would preempt this happening again by dropping a message in the chat basically saying that while everyone has a right to invite whoever they want to family celebrations, you are respectfully asking the wider family that if they feel unable to include your elder DD in family events they are planning, you’d prefer it if they didn’t invite any of your nuclear family. While you appreciate that no harm is intended, the repeated snubs to DD1 are causing a lot of heartache and DD1 is starting question the values of the wider family and where she fits in. At the same time it is putting unfair pressure on DD2 who is still too young to understand the repercussions of this exclusion but who may come to regret her stance later.
Explain that the situation is exactly the same as if they were repeatedly excluding the one adopted child in the family. While you value both you DDs’ wider family relationships and are happy in general to support them, unfortunate precedents have been set and a wholly unacceptable Cinderella syndrome has been allowed to develop. So you and DH are taking a stand on your Dds’ behalf. Either you come as a unit or no one comes.
if you don’t have a family WhatsApp group, I would set one up for the sole purpose of delivering this message. I’d then withdraw from it and not get sucked into any arguments. It might not change anything but you’ll have voiced your concerns and DD will understand you have taken a stance against the injustice.

Sleepington · 28/04/2025 00:16

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 20:40

the DD1 stopping going to granny’s house suggests she feels this is quite significant.

She didn’t stop going. She never started going in the first place. DD2 decided she was going to start visiting her grandma by herself when she was old enough to and her Grandad had just died.

This was well before the first wedding, so the weddings are irrelevant to the fact that DD1 didn’t choose to visit more often, even though OP saw no difference in the way the MIL treated her children in all the years before her FIL died.

I agree.

Consider also if the OP split up from DD2's father (her current partner).

The reality is that DD1 would cease to have any contact with the OP's inlaws whereas DD2 would remain part of their family.

Second relationships are not just complicated, they are messy and the MN's narrative that stepfamilies and half families seamlessly 'blend together' is a fairy tale for the most part.

Jamum12 · 28/04/2025 00:47

Bellyblueboy · 27/04/2025 23:35

I didn’t necessarily mean a step parent who goes on to adopt. In my family’s case this is not the situation with the adopted cousins - they were adopted as a sibling group when they were very young.

I was, perhaps clumsily, pointing out that becoming a step parent is often (but not always) very different to becoming an adoptive parent. You can be a step parent to a child or adult that you have never. And will never, meet.

and in the case of my family the step cousins joined at a much older age, didn’t spend much time with my aunt (their step mother) and never attended family functions. Had my aunt adopted them, they would have been with her full time, and we would have gotten to know them.

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I definitely wouldn't consider someone to be a step-parent to a child that they've never met at all.

I wouldn't even consider my exes partner to be my kids stepmother because she has only met them a few times. My kids don't consider her to be either.

If they didn't spend much time with your aunt I definitely wouldn't consider them to be step-cousins because they didn't even become properly integrated into your aunts life so they're certainly not going to be properly integrated into everyone elses or seem like part of the family.

Jamum12 · 28/04/2025 00:58

@Bellyblueboy
Sorry, forgot to add, if your aunt had even had the kids around more or there was 50/50 custody then you could have seen them more and at family events, she wouldn't have needed to adopt them.

user1492757084 · 28/04/2025 01:22

I agree with MIL. Your husband should have quietly (without DD1 knowing) asked his brother to sort out another invitation last wedding. And you should have all attended the night party - as you were all invited after bride sorted it better.

This time he should have quickly also requested the same.
If an invitation were now issued, you should all attend, in the interests of the on going nature of family relationships.

You have to allow your younger daughter to attend. Unfortunate that the rest of you will stay home. If the current bride sorted you all an invitation, would you all go?

This will leave a terrible question in DD1s mind as to whether any of her step family would like to wish her well on her own wedding day - that is the main reason as to why I would have tried to have secured an invitation for her.

TwinklyNight · 28/04/2025 01:46

If your husband had legally adopted your daughter, would they still treat her as an outsider?

Feelingmuchbetter · 28/04/2025 05:18

TwinklyNight · 28/04/2025 01:46

If your husband had legally adopted your daughter, would they still treat her as an outsider?

I suspect they would not care. It’s disgusting and so hurtful. I hope op has arranged counselling for her dd now, it can cause long term damage to a child to be excluded and ostracised like this repeatedly.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 28/04/2025 06:38

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone I do not think the family have been kind up to this point. In fact, I think the most likely reason for dd1 stopping visiting mil is most likely to be down to being made to fell unwelcome by mil and all other inlaws! your dh needs to stamp down on this now. no dd2 going to wedding. she is a child and will be going on holiday with the family over the weekend of the wedding! come on OP put your foot down now and tell the lot of them NO MORE!!

thepariscrimefiles · 28/04/2025 06:38

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/04/2025 20:44

It’s just the classic first child is the be all and end all and must be prioritised over the second actually having a family with her extended family.

Always done by the mums never dads who have moved on. Fuck dd2 feelings it’s all
about dd1 because mum says so.

Edited

You are just making stuff up now. OP isn't stopping DD2 from going to the wedding and she hasn't done anything to prevent DD2 having a close relationship with her extended family.

Like some of us on here, she is shocked at the vindictiveness of deliberately leaving one child in a family of four off the wedding invitation.

It's obviously hard for DD1 who has no relationship with her father and his side of the family while her sister has a lot of extended family members. Not inviting DD1 to two weddings are both very public snubs to make some sort of point. OP is just trying, pretty unsuccessfully, to shield her elder daughter from the hurt caused by her in-laws.

Blueskieslookingatme · 28/04/2025 06:54

NC18264 · 27/04/2025 21:25

Oh come on. I’ve been invited as a plus one to people’s weddings I’ve known for far less time then the elder DD in this situation. She’s been in her step dad’s family for 14 years. It’s not like she’s a random kid of dad’s short term girlfriend. It doesn’t hurt to just not be a dick and invite the kid so the family doesn’t face a really awkward predicament.

Edited

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Exactly right and in a nutshell !

Blueskieslookingatme · 28/04/2025 07:10

T1Dmama · 27/04/2025 22:02

Reassure your daughter that when she one days get married she won’t have to invite any of them… the money she will save will be massive! Know that’s hard for her now … but the nephews excuse is pathetic!… instead of making things more welcoming by inviting your DD, he’s just repeated his brother ‘alleged’ mistake (bullshit!!)
My BIL has one child plus 3 step children with his wife…. We didn’t even have children at our wedding apart from nieces and nephews… which was 2 on my side and DH’s 4 (which included the 3 step children I’d never even met!)…. It is disgusting to exclude step children

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..... is exactly the right and decent attitude.

Strictlymad · 28/04/2025 07:13

You are deffo doing the right thing not banning youngest, she is aware of the situation and made her decision just as you have. What’s done is done last time but I can understand the upset for sil and mil. Perhaps with hindsight a quick enquiry as to oh eldest isn’t invited is that an oversight might have instigated a convo and an invite politely (not a beg and grovel) before you just declined with them wondering why then sticking to this when it all came out. I can understand the upset (yes they should have invited her in the first place but oversights and mistakes can happen especially with bride to be if they don’t know the whole story)

the7Vabo · 28/04/2025 07:20

I have to go now, for reasons I can’t even explain to myself I spent most of yesterday on this thread. Tbh I probably contradicted myself several times. I hope no one is upset.

If you see me back here I need to be held accountable so please remind me I said I was leaving!

MellowCritic · 28/04/2025 07:33

BiL doesn't want any issues between us. The conversation moved on about youngest and BiL spat out that MiL hadn't even been allowed to be alone with youngest daughter for seven years... and that eldest was always there. MiL was never stopped ever from seeing youngest and as for eldest always being there, well where else would she have been?

Op I'm sorry but your husbands family sound pathetic and childish and their thought process is nasty. And why exactly does mil need to be alone with one child.. she just sounds controlling and batshit. Your youngest does seem to be taking from their side with no loyalty to her sister.. personally my sister comes number one to some cousin or a wedding but I guess she's only young and ultimately it's up to her...

Feelingmuchbetter · 28/04/2025 07:45

the7Vabo · 28/04/2025 07:20

I have to go now, for reasons I can’t even explain to myself I spent most of yesterday on this thread. Tbh I probably contradicted myself several times. I hope no one is upset.

If you see me back here I need to be held accountable so please remind me I said I was leaving!

I think this is a triggering thread for many both sides of the coin. Such blatant family bullying and ostracism is instinctively and biologically extremely challenging to humans that still run in packs. The idea a young girl finds herself vulnerable and turfed out of her pack, the only one she has ever known is deeply uncomfortable for most people.

Those that argue for dd2 to be prioritised and her family connections to be prioritised over and above the feelings of dd1 are displaying their ability to throw anyone under a bus to serve the need to belong. In reality dd is not a small child, she can see very well what is happening to her sister, so it will be a test of her character and moral compass to see what she does. That will then define the future relationship - if there will even be one - for potentially generations to come.

CatherineDurrant · 28/04/2025 08:04

123EndOfRope67 · 26/04/2025 15:54

Do your daughters already know about the wedding invite? If not, I'd book a weekend away ASAP so you have an excuse as to why none of you can go. Don't make a drama out of it, it's pitting the poor girls against each other.

Edited

Excellent suggestion, even if they do know about the invite, frankly.

I'd be showing the girls that "we" are a family, the attempt at division is nasty behaviour and that you will protect their relationship from anyone who feels entitled to interfere.