Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

I dont think that's what ppl are trying to say. I haven't read every single reply but from my own response, the point I'm trying to make is that the ops inlaws thought process is offensive. They are going out of their way to exclude the oldest simply because of what ? For no reason what so ever. There's no valid reason. You do not invite a family to a wedding but exclude one child, does it even make sense to say the whole family isn't on the invite? You're all coming but not you oldest... you ain't blood. Like seriously disgusting behaviour! This is why op is upset and as for dd2. I don't agree with her attitude either, she shouldn't be going , she should have more loyalty to her sister, and the attitude she has that it's not her sisters blood relatives fits inline with the inalws attitude which is what we are saying is wrong hence why maybe dd2 feelings aren't being held with much regard but like I pointed out in my post , she is young and ultimately it's up to her but at that age I would have been on my sisters side.

Was coming on to say exactly this. All of this drama could have been completely avoided. There was absolutely no need for you to have refused the initial invite with no explanation. It sounds like the issue would have been sorted very quickly. As it stands your DH will miss both his nephews weddings and there has been unnecessary upset on both sides. You could have got an invite for your dd from dil without your dd ever knowing she wasn't invited. Now I expect she feels like shit and there is no chance of any integration into your DH family. I dont believe that the assertion that mil couldn't see her granddaughter alone as a child has come from nowhere either.

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoonedoes she not see that inviting everyone in her nuclear family except her suster is just wrong? Does she not see her sister is being excluded? It’s not about the cousin being her cousin and not her sister’s

No - sorry, I understand why you are defending her but I would be super disappointed in my 12 year old (or 10 year old) if they made the choice that your youngest has. And they simply wouldn't, no way.

They’re not ‘toxic’ because they’re not willing to consider DD1 to be something she isn’t to them.

If this wasn't so awful it would be funny. No one is asking them to put DD1 in their wills. It's an invitation to a family wedding and they deliberately excluded one child in a family of four. Twice. If that's not toxic then what is?

'They' as in the person sending out the invites, didn't know what they were doing. As said, the OP and her DH decided to go for drama and fall out, rather than let the bride know of her mistake and for her to rectify it.
No-one would be arsed with that, on top of organising a wedding.
I was the child that was cut off from biological family because the adults should have taken emotion out of decision making. As adults my half-sister reconnected with her family and now has cousins etc galore. While I know none of my blood relatives and no, I haven't been accepted into my sister's family, because I'm not family. The OP and her DH have set the tone, now they have to live with it. I pity DD2 because if there is a 21st birthday party, wedding and Christening etc, it sounds as though her parents will see it as another occasion to cause drama over.

True, although some on here would be if the subject were to be raised, as recent threads with similar facts indicate. But I suspect the invite to all events, don't need to treat the same as bio/adopted GC in wills is probably the commonest view.

@MeridianB they didn't deliberately exclude DD1, the person issuing the invites didn't know the situation and the OP/her DH wouldn't let her rectify it. It wasn't her DH's family member doing the invites. If they'd have explained, an invite would have been given.

Yeah I'd have to do this, no way would I let them get away with it....poor kid.

Maybe she should be loyal because they are sisters and family.

I would probably book the cinema with DD1 & a Nando’s for that day.. don’t sell it as a treat because she’s missing out but rather a lovely opportunity for the 2 of you to have some one to one time together!

that cuts boths ways doesnt it?
If you know you made an error then why not change the invitation?

My uncle would haven't have had to beg for an invitation for his (step) daughter. I would have corrected the invitation and phoned to reassure that the whole family were included.

Or accept the invite for 3 and on the day DH goes with the twos DD’s!

Maybe she should be allowed to be involved with her family, who are not her half sisters family.

Not maybe, definitely.

It's only happening if you let it.
Just say no sorry, our family is the people who live in our house and you cannot go because of the lengths they are going to exclude your sister.
She doesn't have to get it. She may never get it because it sounds like she's the one with the encumbent family and older sister isn't. What a nice position to be in, it doesn't sound like it's breeding much empathy or loyalty though.
If it's only a wedding and whatever else she might think, that is true in reverse and she can sit it out. You really need to model the values you want your daughters to have.

If husbands family are genuinely not trying to upset anyone then they will not mind if your youngest doesn't go either. If they were so family orientated they would invite your daughter if only to ensure your husband's attendance. Weird vibes wanting a child there but not the actual adult relative. Stop pandering to them. You said you don't see them much so you're not going to have to deal with much fall out and apparently they aren't worried about the fall out of excluding your daughter so match their energy.

Stand up for yourself and your daughter. I wonder if it was husband with a child from previous relationship being excluded would be so understanding.

I just wouldn't allow it again. And I wouldn't care what came next. This isn't a school trip or a friend's party with no expectation for the girls to be equal. It's supposed to be family.
I can't believe anyone would allow it once never mind twice.

I'm not going to question if she's a brat or a cow. What she is, is a child. And she's on the receiving end of preferential treatment. It would take a lot for a child to turn around and refuse to do something fun and enjoyable, where they get to be the one being fussed over by family and no parents and a grandma who prefers you - to stay home with your sister 'who isn't family so why does it matter?"

But you are not a child. You know it will be hard for your youngest but you also know it's already been hard for your oldest.
This is on you, the adult, to do the right thing by both your girls and say, these are our values and this is our family. We do not go where we are not all welcome. Sorry that's hard. Sorry you can't go dd2. Sorry you are not wanted dd1. But the way to deal with it is to stick together and no one is going.
End of. Let's plan a nice day.

This is very silly. "We do not go where we aren't all welcome"? So no child free weddings? No nights out without the kids? No couple weekend away?
They'll often go to places where they aren't all welcome.
Don't model lies to your children to get them to do as you want.

I just wouldn't allow it again. And I wouldn't care what came next

But that’s just it, it’s easy for us to say don’t let dd2 go, we’re not the one who has to deal with the consequences. This could lead to a fracture in the relationship between OP and dd2 and even OP and her DH. You say you wouldn’t care but I think you would care if it was your own daughter.

And OP really would be letting this groom win by causing discord within her own family.

DD1 and DD2’s relationship survived the first wedding, it will survive this one too. If OP makes this into a big deal with dd2, then dd2 may start to resent both OP and dd1. This situation requires calm logic, not anger and bitterness.

Havjng an option that is different to yours is not ranting and raving.

OP merely declined an invitation. This is not creating 'drama'.

A situation was created because her DH's family didn't like the fact that they declined. This, however, is every would-be guest's prerogative. The tired old mantra 'their wedding, their choice' means the bride and groom are at liberty to invite or not invite whoever they please. They do not maintain control over who does or doesn't accept.

It’s the inlaws who have set the tone not the op

I 💯 agree with you and I’m so glad your twins have had a completely different experience to the OP’s daughter

What absolute arseholes they are being.

I understand they feel awkward - but that's really on them. But they're taking it out on a child. Are they going to shun her forever, making it more awkward.

The sensible thing to do would have been for them to draw a line under it now - it wouldn't really have been awkward on the day, the thought of it in the run up might have been. But no, they'd rather make family gatherings awkward forever.

I hope for everyone's sake that the next wedding isn't another of the same siblings, and they invite everyone and then they realise how foolish they were being.

After the first non-invite, your decline, and the subsequent conversation as to why, they easily could have sent another invite. After all, they apparently would have sent one if you asked for it.

There was another similar thread just before Easter, where the OP was upset that her in-laws didn’t regard her older DD as a grandchild. And I was firmly on the side of that being a perfectly reasonable stance for them to take and all that she could reasonably expect would be that they would be kind and reasonably inclusive towards her older DD - which, by the sound of it, they were. But this is wholly different. This sounds like a family being deliberately exclusionary and that’s really horrible. I don’t think anyone is obliged to see the older DD as “family”, but it’s just common courtesy to included her in an invitation that involves the rest of her family.

I think, in the OP’s shoes, I would take the same approach. Yes, DD1 is DD2’s half sister. But then MIL is “Steve’s mother”. The wife of the DH’s brother is “Graham’s wife” rather than “Aunt Liz” (or whatever). And I would step right, right back from any family responsibilities along the lines of cards, gifts etc.

It’s a tricky one with DD2 and the “half sister”/“my family” thing. I think I’d try to engineer a situation where the reverse works to DD1’s advantage, just so she can understand what that feels like on the other side. Could you find some money from something to do with DD1’s dad and spend it on her on that basis? Something like that? Not to be malicious, but just so that she understands that her attitude can cut both ways?

I agree with this, I'm afraid.

Old-fashioned though it may sound, at 12 years of age you do as your parents damned well tell you to do. You can't expect a 12-year-old kid to show loyalty and empathy - at that age their first concern will be for their own interests and whether they get to partake in the party (albeit I don't compute the eagerness of so young a child to attend a boring wedding). Embedded within this is a very important lesson about loyalty.

It's a mistake to expect that DD1 should come to such a mature decision of her own volition. Children rely on their parents to provide guidance, and this is where the parenting should have stepped in. Had OP and her DH made the stand from the outset that if you exclude one of us you exclude us all, then this monster would likely not have grown another head.

This is toxic, divisive behaviour on the part of the in-laws who now appear determined to use children to make some barbed point about who they will consider members of their family, and who they won't.

They are, of course, at liberty to make that decision. They should also know that that actions have consequences.