Page 26 | Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 2025-04-26T14:20:56+00:00

[[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5069694-12-year-old-wants-to-go-to-wedding-where-sister-hasnt-been-invited 12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet]] This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again. Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom. Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent. My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again. The family clearly want to make some bizarre point. I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation --grovelled --for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity. I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:08

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:05

Solid from whose perspective? DH’s brother literally snapped that MiL didn’t get to be with DD2 without DD1 for her first seven years.
DD2 is now nearly 14, so her being 7 was a while ago. Does that comment really suggest that it’s all roses in the garden?!

So while DH’s family did what the DH expected outwardly there is something bubbling under that surface.

And DH’s nephew and possibly both of his parents don’t give AF about DD1 that they’ve excluded her from a wedding actively knowing it will upset her.

All I’m saying is that going into a family expecting your child to be fully accepted is naive given the countless stories on MNs.

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I realise you are talking about DD2 and I was talking about DD1, tired!

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 22:12

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:05

Solid from whose perspective? DH’s brother literally snapped that MiL didn’t get to be with DD2 without DD1 for her first seven years.
DD2 is now nearly 14, so her being 7 was a while ago. Does that comment really suggest that it’s all roses in the garden?!

So while DH’s family did what the DH expected outwardly there is something bubbling under that surface.

And DH’s nephew and possibly both of his parents don’t give AF about DD1 that they’ve excluded her from a wedding actively knowing it will upset her.

All I’m saying is that going into a family expecting your child to be fully accepted is naive given the countless stories on MNs.

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Edited as we cross-posted 😂

Agree with you re DD1, definitely no solid relationship there.

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 22:13

Feelingmuchbetter · 27/04/2025 22:03

I agree. Under normal circumstances of course it would be wonderful for dd2 to enjoy family relationships, hut they are toxic as hell, so it clearly doesn’t apply in the same way.
I wouldn’t be encouraging this relationship’ even without the wedding issues, I suspect their behaviour goes well beyond this incident.

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Their behaviour is generally fine seeing as OP seems to be happy to host her MIL regularly and it has taken until DD1 is a teenager before she noticed an issue.

This is a family that have been kind until now, the issue has only arisen because of a nephew that the OP and her children barely ever see. There is no need to call them toxic. If the grandparents had ever done anything wrong by DD1, OP would have known of the problem before now.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:13

Helpmeplease2025 · 27/04/2025 22:05

Whey you take on someone else’s child, that’s your decision. You can’t force your family to do the same. These threads are always the same; the child has no relationship with their own father, so the parent expects the new IL’s to step up, but no one asks them first if this is what they want.

Unfortunately this I think is spot on.

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 27/04/2025 22:13

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 20:39

They might be horrified when they're the ones who suffer the consequences of making DD1 uncomfortable, they might find themselves not invited to significant events.

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They will probably be invited to DD2's wedding. If they are not invited to DD1's wedding, given that they don't see her as family, why would you expect them to care, let alone be upset

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 22:13

Helpmeplease2025 · 27/04/2025 22:05

Whey you take on someone else’s child, that’s your decision. You can’t force your family to do the same. These threads are always the same; the child has no relationship with their own father, so the parent expects the new IL’s to step up, but no one asks them first if this is what they want.

No they don't, but when grandparents etc get into new relationships they don't ask everyone in the family if they're ok with it either, and the new partner is generally included and invited along with the grandparent to events, dinners, Christmas etc.

There's no expectation to see them as a new grandmother or grandfather or anything like that, but to accept and include them.

If MIL ever started a new relationship I'm sure she'd expect him to be invited to family events with her, and he would be, because that's the done thing.

InterIgnis · 27/04/2025 22:15

Feelingmuchbetter · 27/04/2025 22:03

I agree. Under normal circumstances of course it would be wonderful for dd2 to enjoy family relationships, hut they are toxic as hell, so it clearly doesn’t apply in the same way.
I wouldn’t be encouraging this relationship’ even without the wedding issues, I suspect their behaviour goes well beyond this incident.

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They’re not ‘toxic’ because they’re not willing to consider DD1 to be something she isn’t to them. OP may have wanted that, but that was never something she could demand from them. They were and are not responsible for making up for the failings of her actual paternal family.

DD2 DOES enjoy her family relationships. Trying to limit them now, when she has been encouraged to develop them for the entirety of her life, would not make anything ‘right’ for either of them.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:17

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 22:13

No they don't, but when grandparents etc get into new relationships they don't ask everyone in the family if they're ok with it either, and the new partner is generally included and invited along with the grandparent to events, dinners, Christmas etc.

There's no expectation to see them as a new grandmother or grandfather or anything like that, but to accept and include them.

If MIL ever started a new relationship I'm sure she'd expect him to be invited to family events with her, and he would be, because that's the done thing.

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Ah yes new relationships never cause any issues, it’s all great, and everyone gets invited to where they want to go, and children and grandchildren are delighted to see a new family member and never worry about inheritance ;)

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 22:18

Outrageistheopiateofthemasses · 27/04/2025 22:13

They will probably be invited to DD2's wedding. If they are not invited to DD1's wedding, given that they don't see her as family, why would you expect them to care, let alone be upset

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I'm not talking about DD1s wedding. I'm talking about other events, maybe the OP or her husband will have significant birthdays and maybe DD2 won't want them at her wedding because she might turn against them as she gets older due to this.

Iammatrix · 27/04/2025 22:20

All of ypu they are saying
’No one should go’
’DD2 lacks empathy’
’DD2 should stand beside her sister’
’Choose your 1st born’ ??
’These nasty bullies…’ are intent on destroying DD1s life (my words) Hyperbolic!
….and many number of off the wall things.

OP, is obviously not happy, but she is trying to do the best for both of her DDs.

OP cannot and rightfully will not do most of the things you are suggesting and despite her pain, her DHs family are not doing anything to hurt DD1 or OP from what I have grasped.

I will say, that perhaps OP was a bit naive when she met her now DH and DD1 was a baby. 2 years later (I think), biological DD2 came along and DHs family naturally by nature bonded with DD2.

It could have been handled better by all of the main family members I think.

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 22:20

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:17

Ah yes new relationships never cause any issues, it’s all great, and everyone gets invited to where they want to go, and children and grandchildren are delighted to see a new family member and never worry about inheritance ;)

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I said 'generally', which I believe is the case.

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 22:21

Helpmeplease2025 · 27/04/2025 22:05

Whey you take on someone else’s child, that’s your decision. You can’t force your family to do the same. These threads are always the same; the child has no relationship with their own father, so the parent expects the new IL’s to step up, but no one asks them first if this is what they want.

But the OP's partner has accepted DD1 and brought her up as his own child, alongside DD2. She's been in their lives since she was very young. It's not the family's place to decide whether or not that's acceptable. He sees her as his daughter, so that's all that matters.

I can't understand the mindset you're describing.

If OP and her partner decided to adopt a child, should they seek permission from the family first? Should an adopted child be left out of family events as they're not biologically related?

If the family refused to recognise an adopted child and include them in family events, everyone would be aghast. But even though DD1 has been brought up as if she had been adopted by the partner, it's apparently totally OK to exclude her because they don't have an adoption certificate?!

It makes no sense at all to me.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:22

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 22:20

I said 'generally', which I believe is the case.

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Tbh from too much time on MN possible I’m not convinced.

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 22:23

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:22

Tbh from too much time on MN possible I’m not convinced.

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This is a place where people post about problems. It doesn't mean that it reflects the majority.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:25

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 22:23

This is a place where people post about problems. It doesn't mean that it reflects the majority.

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True

Delphiniumandlupins · 27/04/2025 22:27

Is the invitation just to DD2 or is it to you, DH and DD2, like last time? Why not invite the groom's uncle and his family? It just seems very petty to make a distinction between two girls, so close in age.

T1Dmama · 27/04/2025 22:30

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 22:13

No they don't, but when grandparents etc get into new relationships they don't ask everyone in the family if they're ok with it either, and the new partner is generally included and invited along with the grandparent to events, dinners, Christmas etc.

There's no expectation to see them as a new grandmother or grandfather or anything like that, but to accept and include them.

If MIL ever started a new relationship I'm sure she'd expect him to be invited to family events with her, and he would be, because that's the done thing.

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🥰 exactly this… to exclude a child is pretty pathetic really

InterIgnis · 27/04/2025 22:34

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 22:21

But the OP's partner has accepted DD1 and brought her up as his own child, alongside DD2. She's been in their lives since she was very young. It's not the family's place to decide whether or not that's acceptable. He sees her as his daughter, so that's all that matters.

I can't understand the mindset you're describing.

If OP and her partner decided to adopt a child, should they seek permission from the family first? Should an adopted child be left out of family events as they're not biologically related?

If the family refused to recognise an adopted child and include them in family events, everyone would be aghast. But even though DD1 has been brought up as if she had been adopted by the partner, it's apparently totally OK to exclude her because they don't have an adoption certificate?!

It makes no sense at all to me.

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You don’t need to understand it in order for other people to possess it. Clearly many, many people do, and all the mumsnet threads containing ranting and raving about how ‘mean’ it is won’t change that. It is what it is.

It is the family’s place to decide whether or not they are willing to accept the role of grandparents/aunts/uncles/etc. When OP’s husband decided for himself he did not issue a diktat to his family.

Whether they would have accepted an adopted child or not, who knows? Maybe they would have, maybe they wouldn’t. An adoption certificate, much like a marriage certificate, IS something that would make all the difference for some, if not many.

PoppyTries · 27/04/2025 22:37

Iwantmyoldnameback · 27/04/2025 18:58

Surely Granny would have seen DD2 while the older one was at school? The more we hear the more ridiculous this gets.

And maybe the first brides family were not impressed when they found out why DD2 was there on her own. I'd have been annoyed if my daughter has been put in the position of missing a child off an invitation when the true facts were known.

If I were the bride’s family (first wedding) and learned that the groom’s own uncle wouldn’t be attending because the bride was informed of & invited a family of 3, and that his SD of 14 years (who was still a child) was deliberately left out, I’d be thinking some kind of way about this family my relative was marrying into.

OP’s latest information about how Granny was upset (or father of groom was upset) that Granny was “never allowed” to see DD2 alone for the first 7 years of her life - so DD1 was 4 years old? What were they supposed to do with her? This is deeper than just forgetting to invite her to a wedding & I’d not let DD2 around them without supervision so that she isn’t further poisoned against her sister.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:38

InterIgnis · 27/04/2025 22:34

You don’t need to understand it in order for other people to possess it. Clearly many, many people do, and all the mumsnet threads containing ranting and raving about how ‘mean’ it is won’t change that. It is what it is.

It is the family’s place to decide whether or not they are willing to accept the role of grandparents/aunts/uncles/etc. When OP’s husband decided for himself he did not issue a diktat to his family.

Whether they would have accepted an adopted child or not, who knows? Maybe they would have, maybe they wouldn’t. An adoption certificate, much like a marriage certificate, IS something that would make all the difference for some, if not many.

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i have adopted cousin’s and to me there are my cousins.
But I would put good money on some people valuing biological grandchildren more. They won’t say it and they may not even indicate it, but much like the comment in this case of DD1 being in the way of granny enjoying DD2 it’s there underneath the surface.

Leafy3 · 27/04/2025 22:41

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:38

i have adopted cousin’s and to me there are my cousins.
But I would put good money on some people valuing biological grandchildren more. They won’t say it and they may not even indicate it, but much like the comment in this case of DD1 being in the way of granny enjoying DD2 it’s there underneath the surface.

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100%.
There are a few adopted cousins in my family of my parents and grandparents generation, when I was growing up they were never mentioned without their adoptive status also being included!

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:44

PoppyTries · 27/04/2025 22:37

If I were the bride’s family (first wedding) and learned that the groom’s own uncle wouldn’t be attending because the bride was informed of & invited a family of 3, and that his SD of 14 years (who was still a child) was deliberately left out, I’d be thinking some kind of way about this family my relative was marrying into.

OP’s latest information about how Granny was upset (or father of groom was upset) that Granny was “never allowed” to see DD2 alone for the first 7 years of her life - so DD1 was 4 years old? What were they supposed to do with her? This is deeper than just forgetting to invite her to a wedding & I’d not let DD2 around them without supervision so that she isn’t further poisoned against her sister.

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I agree that it’s deeper but the OP doesn’t think granny is poisoning DD2 against DD1. It seems she has outwardly been fine to DD1 but underneath she values DD2
more.
The uncle snapping suggests some level of resentment about DD1 but it’s unclear where that is coming from.
Assuming it’s true that granny didn’t get to be with DD2 alone for her first seven years that seems a bit naive too of the parents. Did it never occur to them that she might value this?

Crystalmae · 27/04/2025 22:45

Sounds like your eldest dd is the black sheep of the family- not just the relatives but it sounds like your youngest dd sees her that way too- to say ‘they're not your/ her family’ is quite a considerable remark and I think because you dearly love them both, fail to see things as they are but see they love each other, have a great bond which may be true, but youngest DD clearly sees HERSELF as belonging to the wider family, DH agrees (albeit quietly) as he says it cements her bond with the family, then… then there is eldest DD with no other family. It’s really sad for your eldest.

if DH left tomorrow, who would you be in regular contact with from his family?

Has eldest DD got anyone from her dad’s family so she can also feel important/ wanted? She will have serious issues when she is older even if she is telling you she is ok.

I think as a family you should stand united. By keeping youngest dd happy and letting her go you are actually hurting and harming eldest dd but it seems you can’t see that.

I feel sorry for your eldest DD.

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 22:45

InterIgnis · 27/04/2025 22:34

You don’t need to understand it in order for other people to possess it. Clearly many, many people do, and all the mumsnet threads containing ranting and raving about how ‘mean’ it is won’t change that. It is what it is.

It is the family’s place to decide whether or not they are willing to accept the role of grandparents/aunts/uncles/etc. When OP’s husband decided for himself he did not issue a diktat to his family.

Whether they would have accepted an adopted child or not, who knows? Maybe they would have, maybe they wouldn’t. An adoption certificate, much like a marriage certificate, IS something that would make all the difference for some, if not many.

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I can honestly say I've never heard of an adopted child being treated like this.

I agree that the family might secretly prefer the biological children but I've never seen a case either on MN or in real life where the family are openly excluding and hostile to an adopted child who's been in the family since they were a toddler.

There are enormous parallels between that and this situation. A piece of paper makes no practical difference. Literally none.

I also fully accept that someone people are spiteful enough to think this is acceptable. Doesn't mean I have to understand it, or applaud it.

I'm just grateful that not everyone in the world thinks this is an acceptable way to act.

Bellyblueboy · 27/04/2025 22:47

I have adopted cousins and step cousins. The adopted cousins are just my cousins - no difference and were never treated any differently.

the step cousins aren’t thought of as cousins. I t may be because the steps were older when their dad married my aunt and they have never attended family functions. But to be honest I didn’t even realise there was such a thing as step cousins until threads on mumsnet!

But I do hate is when people equate step families to adopted families. They are very different things. Step families are created when adults marry and the relationships on last while those adults remain married. Adoption is centered on the child and is legally binding. The commitment is to be that’s child’s parent - for life. Legally, emotionally, morally. Completely different.