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Original poster

Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

876 replies

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 15:20

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

Essentially we have declined an invitation to husband’s nephew’s wedding in the summer as he has not invited my 15 year old daughter (16 by the time o...

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5069694-12-year-old-wants-to-go-to-wedding-where-sister-hasnt-been-invited

OP posts:
NC18264 · 27/04/2025 21:25

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/04/2025 21:21

But everyone seems to want her to be the lower priority to protect the eldest is the point. That’s what’s caused the issue, that’s what causes so many threads on here by mums mad their husbands family don’t involve their existing child.

If the mother didn’t expect more than what was given and didn’t give her child the expectations of more from those who are not her family this issue wouldn’t be here.

The biggest issue is once again a dead beat parent and dead beat family if the child’s father and his family where involved nobody would care about this wedding invite.

Edited
Show quote history

Oh come on. I’ve been invited as a plus one to people’s weddings I’ve known for far less time then the elder DD in this situation. She’s been in her step dad’s family for 14 years. It’s not like she’s a random kid of dad’s short term girlfriend. It doesn’t hurt to just not be a dick and invite the kid so the family doesn’t face a really awkward predicament.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 21:33

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/04/2025 21:21

But everyone seems to want her to be the lower priority to protect the eldest is the point. That’s what’s caused the issue, that’s what causes so many threads on here by mums mad their husbands family don’t involve their existing child.

If the mother didn’t expect more than what was given and didn’t give her child the expectations of more from those who are not her family this issue wouldn’t be here.

The biggest issue is once again a dead beat parent and dead beat family if the child’s father and his family where involved nobody would care about this wedding invite.

Edited
Show quote history

I think I agree with this to an extent at least.

It is unwise and unrealistic to join a family with a child and expect that child to be treated like a child of that family.

It’s not nice and it’s not pretty but as you said the countless threads on MNs speak for themselves.

it seems that to some extent at least the OP had an expectation that how DH feels about DD1 had to be mirrored across the family. And it seems the family may have obliged outwardly but from the brother’s spat out comment the mask has slipped somewhat.

The original expectation of the nephew was too high IMO. He was a teenage boy when Op joined the family, has hardly seen DD1 since and just invited his “cousins”. He clearly didn’t overthink it. The OP finds it hurtful that he doesn’t consider her first child his cousin but it seems somewhat unrealistic in the circumstances.

Her DD2 shares her cousins view but the OP kept telling her that DH’s family are DD1 “family” and the nephew is DD1 cousin and DD2 said they’re not.

It’s ultimately unfair on step-children most of all, even though I have no doubt the mothers are doing it with good intentions and because they want to stick up for their child and because we all want our kids treated the same in an ideal world.

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 21:36

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/04/2025 21:21

But everyone seems to want her to be the lower priority to protect the eldest is the point. That’s what’s caused the issue, that’s what causes so many threads on here by mums mad their husbands family don’t involve their existing child.

If the mother didn’t expect more than what was given and didn’t give her child the expectations of more from those who are not her family this issue wouldn’t be here.

The biggest issue is once again a dead beat parent and dead beat family if the child’s father and his family where involved nobody would care about this wedding invite.

Edited
Show quote history

I think the point you seemed to be making with your previous comment was that this always happens, and I don't think it does.

Apparently DD2 sees DD1 as her "full sister", not a half-sibling or someone who's distant. OP says they're close.

It's hard to imagine any family that would allow one sibling to be excluded while the other one included, but that's what's happening here. If my family tried to include one of my children but not the other, I'd expect neither to attend any events. By your logic that would be prioritising one of my children over the other, but I would see that as prioritising family loyalty and not accepting unfair treatment.

I'd also be pretty disappointed if one of my DC was happy to attend an event where the other was excluded.

In this case, the fact that DD1 is not biologically related shouldn't be relevant. She's been part of their family for virtually her whole life. If the OP's partner had legally adopted her, she'd be officially his daughter. Would she still "not be family" then? Does a single piece of paper make such a difference when he's been a father to her for virtually her whole life?

OP isn't stopping DD2 from seeing the family the rest of the time - she seems to have a close and good relationship with them. It's just this one event. So there's nothing to say that DD2 has to sacrifice her family to accommodate DD1.

These cases make me really sad tbh. I hope the OP has a big family on her side so that DD1 has some people that care about her. IIRC, OP doesn't have much of a family, but I might be remembering that wrong!

I completely agree with your last comment though - arsehole men who walk about from their kids and all responsibilities are a big problem.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 21:36

NC18264 · 27/04/2025 21:25

Oh come on. I’ve been invited as a plus one to people’s weddings I’ve known for far less time then the elder DD in this situation. She’s been in her step dad’s family for 14 years. It’s not like she’s a random kid of dad’s short term girlfriend. It doesn’t hurt to just not be a dick and invite the kid so the family doesn’t face a really awkward predicament.

Edited
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Agreed but to be fair I doubt first nephew did it with the intention of being a dick he sees DD1 a child he’s met a handful of times who is much younger as part of his uncle’s set-up, not part of his family.

What is happening now is different.

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 21:36

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/04/2025 21:21

But everyone seems to want her to be the lower priority to protect the eldest is the point. That’s what’s caused the issue, that’s what causes so many threads on here by mums mad their husbands family don’t involve their existing child.

If the mother didn’t expect more than what was given and didn’t give her child the expectations of more from those who are not her family this issue wouldn’t be here.

The biggest issue is once again a dead beat parent and dead beat family if the child’s father and his family where involved nobody would care about this wedding invite.

Edited
Show quote history

The issue wouldn't be here if she had just been invited, which is how it would be handled by decent people.

T1Dmama · 27/04/2025 21:41

I remember your post last year … I can’t believe your youngest wants to go.. she’s not considering her elder sisters feelings at all…
My relationship with his family would be over now… you in laws won’t even ask on your behalf - I’d be done with them all!

MeridianB · 27/04/2025 21:41

Ugh. Your update makes it worse. The whole lot of them sound petty and poisonous. It’s a shame your DH can’t see this more clearly.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 21:41

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 21:36

I think the point you seemed to be making with your previous comment was that this always happens, and I don't think it does.

Apparently DD2 sees DD1 as her "full sister", not a half-sibling or someone who's distant. OP says they're close.

It's hard to imagine any family that would allow one sibling to be excluded while the other one included, but that's what's happening here. If my family tried to include one of my children but not the other, I'd expect neither to attend any events. By your logic that would be prioritising one of my children over the other, but I would see that as prioritising family loyalty and not accepting unfair treatment.

I'd also be pretty disappointed if one of my DC was happy to attend an event where the other was excluded.

In this case, the fact that DD1 is not biologically related shouldn't be relevant. She's been part of their family for virtually her whole life. If the OP's partner had legally adopted her, she'd be officially his daughter. Would she still "not be family" then? Does a single piece of paper make such a difference when he's been a father to her for virtually her whole life?

OP isn't stopping DD2 from seeing the family the rest of the time - she seems to have a close and good relationship with them. It's just this one event. So there's nothing to say that DD2 has to sacrifice her family to accommodate DD1.

These cases make me really sad tbh. I hope the OP has a big family on her side so that DD1 has some people that care about her. IIRC, OP doesn't have much of a family, but I might be remembering that wrong!

I completely agree with your last comment though - arsehole men who walk about from their kids and all responsibilities are a big problem.

Show quote history

I’d disgree with the “close and good relationship” seeing as the uncle snapped that granny didn’t get to see DD2 without DD1 for the first seven years of her life. That comment came from somewhere and it’s notable the it was repeated to DH in the context of a conversation about DD1 not being invited to a wedding.

I dont think that this always happens, presumably some blended families work fine, but it happens a fair amount enough to generate plenty of traffic on MNs and it’s happened here.

Sallywag134 · 27/04/2025 21:42

sounds just like my family. Family is what you make it, not always blood. Wouldn’t have it any other way.

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 21:42

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 21:36

Agreed but to be fair I doubt first nephew did it with the intention of being a dick he sees DD1 a child he’s met a handful of times who is much younger as part of his uncle’s set-up, not part of his family.

What is happening now is different.

Show quote history

But that's who you invite to weddings, the people you want to go and their 'set up'. He invited the OP and she's not blood related to him either.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 21:45

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 21:42

But that's who you invite to weddings, the people you want to go and their 'set up'. He invited the OP and she's not blood related to him either.

Show quote history

The OP is his uncle’s wife. Generally your aunts & uncles get a plus one.

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 21:46

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 21:45

The OP is his uncle’s wife. Generally your aunts & uncles get a plus one.

Show quote history

And generally if you're inviting their kids you'd invite all of them, but they chose not to, and just invited 3 out of the 4 members of the family.

notgoig2careanymore · 27/04/2025 21:50

My grandchild now has a baby sibling. The father of new sibling absolutely adores Grandchild,his family have embraced older grandchild and I can say with certainty that this will never be an issue in our family.
OP i feel so sorry for the predicament you have …my gut thinks that you need to try and reason with younger daughter about where her loyalties lie .

NC18264 · 27/04/2025 21:50

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 21:33

I think I agree with this to an extent at least.

It is unwise and unrealistic to join a family with a child and expect that child to be treated like a child of that family.

It’s not nice and it’s not pretty but as you said the countless threads on MNs speak for themselves.

it seems that to some extent at least the OP had an expectation that how DH feels about DD1 had to be mirrored across the family. And it seems the family may have obliged outwardly but from the brother’s spat out comment the mask has slipped somewhat.

The original expectation of the nephew was too high IMO. He was a teenage boy when Op joined the family, has hardly seen DD1 since and just invited his “cousins”. He clearly didn’t overthink it. The OP finds it hurtful that he doesn’t consider her first child his cousin but it seems somewhat unrealistic in the circumstances.

Her DD2 shares her cousins view but the OP kept telling her that DH’s family are DD1 “family” and the nephew is DD1 cousin and DD2 said they’re not.

It’s ultimately unfair on step-children most of all, even though I have no doubt the mothers are doing it with good intentions and because they want to stick up for their child and because we all want our kids treated the same in an ideal world.

Show quote history

It is unwise and unrealistic to join a family with a child and expect that child to be treated like a child of that family

It’s not like OP is asking the family to write the older DD into their wills or be her legal guardian if something awful happens. It’s nothing to do with blood siblings vs step siblings. It’s just poor form all round inviting 3/4 members of a family and leaving 1 out, no matter the relationship.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 27/04/2025 21:52

I just can't get my head round a family that don't welcome and treat as family a little girl with no other relatives.. True colours shown as I said before subtly cut down on the amount of time your daughter spends with this toxic mob.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 21:52

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 21:46

And generally if you're inviting their kids you'd invite all of them, but they chose not to, and just invited 3 out of the 4 members of the family.

Show quote history

I think 25 pages in that’s been discussed to death.

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 21:53

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 21:41

I’d disgree with the “close and good relationship” seeing as the uncle snapped that granny didn’t get to see DD2 without DD1 for the first seven years of her life. That comment came from somewhere and it’s notable the it was repeated to DH in the context of a conversation about DD1 not being invited to a wedding.

I dont think that this always happens, presumably some blended families work fine, but it happens a fair amount enough to generate plenty of traffic on MNs and it’s happened here.

Show quote history

There's only about 2 or 3 years between the two girls. DD1 was always treated as part of the family by the sounds of things (as is right).

Whenever we visited family when my DC were young, I never took one child and not the other. I don't think that's weird at all - I think it's perfectly natural with young children. What were they supposed to do with young children - offload DD1 somewhere so the family could enjoy time with DD2 alone?

The girls were clearly brought up together as full siblings. I don't think there's any issue with always taking both on family trips while they were young. And until the wedding, there was no indication that DD1 wasn't considered to be part of the family!

OP has said that DD2 is always in and out of the MIL's house. There's nothing to suggest there is anything other than a close and solid relationship there.

The family sound spiteful af.

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 21:54

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 21:52

I think 25 pages in that’s been discussed to death.

Show quote history

Right, but it was my response to your point.

InterIgnis · 27/04/2025 21:55

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 21:18

In fairness, the reverse tends to be true.

Usually the kids with the ex are the ones who miss out because the focus is on the children who the couple jointly had.

And it's the same here too, tbh. DD2 hasn't missed out on anything. DD1 has had to swallow her feelings because her sister wanted to go to the first wedding, and now this wedding too. DD2 is getting to do whatever she wants while DD1 just has to suck it up.

People might have their own opinions about what's right or wrong, but factually, DD2 hasn't been a lower priority. In fact, her needs/wants/feelings have been prioritised ABOVE the feelings of the older sister.

Show quote history

If sucking it up means accepting the reality of the situation, and not holding people who are not at fault accountable for her lack of paternal family, then yes, she does. The blame for that lies with her father and his family, not OP’s in-laws and her sister.

Her sister missing out on her own family relationships would not make things ‘fair’.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 21:57

NC18264 · 27/04/2025 21:50

It is unwise and unrealistic to join a family with a child and expect that child to be treated like a child of that family

It’s not like OP is asking the family to write the older DD into their wills or be her legal guardian if something awful happens. It’s nothing to do with blood siblings vs step siblings. It’s just poor form all round inviting 3/4 members of a family and leaving 1 out, no matter the relationship.

Show quote history

That comment was meant more generally.

There is a fairly recent thread on MNs where a mother is annoyed that her second child has a cash ISA from the grandparents but yet first doesn’t as she’s not a GC. I can sense the mother is torn herself on it. Behind it all is the actual good intention of wanting the same for each child, but equally being unrealistic.

The OP was disproportionality disappointed in my view that the first groom didn’t see her first child as his cousin.

T1Dmama · 27/04/2025 22:02

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 27/04/2025 20:00

I adore both of my girls, they are lovely and get on well with eachother.

The youngest one isn't a brat or a cow!

She didn't rub her sister's face in it last year at all.

My youngest is empathetic and is loyal but she doesn't see why she needs to be loyal to her sister because the cousin is not her sister's cousin but hers.

Reassure your daughter that when she one days get married she won’t have to invite any of them… the money she will save will be massive! Know that’s hard for her now … but the nephews excuse is pathetic!… instead of making things more welcoming by inviting your DD, he’s just repeated his brother ‘alleged’ mistake (bullshit!!)
My BIL has one child plus 3 step children with his wife…. We didn’t even have children at our wedding apart from nieces and nephews… which was 2 on my side and DH’s 4 (which included the 3 step children I’d never even met!)…. It is disgusting to exclude step children

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 22:02

InterIgnis · 27/04/2025 21:55

If sucking it up means accepting the reality of the situation, and not holding people who are not at fault accountable for her lack of paternal family, then yes, she does. The blame for that lies with her father and his family, not OP’s in-laws and her sister.

Her sister missing out on her own family relationships would not make things ‘fair’.

Show quote history

The "reality of the situation" is that both girls have been brought up as full siblings, and both parents believed that they were both considered to be part of the family - until the wedding last year.

DD2 isn't missing out on family relationships by not attending a wedding. According to OP's comments, DD2 spends a lot of time with her family, even setting the wedding aside. There's no suggestion that any of that would or should stop.

Feelingmuchbetter · 27/04/2025 22:03

InterIgnis · 27/04/2025 21:55

If sucking it up means accepting the reality of the situation, and not holding people who are not at fault accountable for her lack of paternal family, then yes, she does. The blame for that lies with her father and his family, not OP’s in-laws and her sister.

Her sister missing out on her own family relationships would not make things ‘fair’.

Show quote history

I agree. Under normal circumstances of course it would be wonderful for dd2 to enjoy family relationships, hut they are toxic as hell, so it clearly doesn’t apply in the same way.
I wouldn’t be encouraging this relationship’ even without the wedding issues, I suspect their behaviour goes well beyond this incident.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 22:05

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 21:53

There's only about 2 or 3 years between the two girls. DD1 was always treated as part of the family by the sounds of things (as is right).

Whenever we visited family when my DC were young, I never took one child and not the other. I don't think that's weird at all - I think it's perfectly natural with young children. What were they supposed to do with young children - offload DD1 somewhere so the family could enjoy time with DD2 alone?

The girls were clearly brought up together as full siblings. I don't think there's any issue with always taking both on family trips while they were young. And until the wedding, there was no indication that DD1 wasn't considered to be part of the family!

OP has said that DD2 is always in and out of the MIL's house. There's nothing to suggest there is anything other than a close and solid relationship there.

The family sound spiteful af.

Show quote history

Solid from whose perspective? DH’s brother literally snapped that MiL didn’t get to be with DD2 without DD1 for her first seven years.
DD2 is now nearly 14, so her being 7 was a while ago. Does that comment really suggest that it’s all roses in the garden?!

So while DH’s family did what the DH expected outwardly there is something bubbling under that surface.

And DH’s nephew and possibly both of his parents don’t give AF about DD1 that they’ve excluded her from a wedding actively knowing it will upset her.

All I’m saying is that going into a family expecting your child to be fully accepted is naive given the countless stories on MNs.

Helpmeplease2025 · 27/04/2025 22:05

Whey you take on someone else’s child, that’s your decision. You can’t force your family to do the same. These threads are always the same; the child has no relationship with their own father, so the parent expects the new IL’s to step up, but no one asks them first if this is what they want.