Page 24 | Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 2025-04-26T14:20:56+00:00

[[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5069694-12-year-old-wants-to-go-to-wedding-where-sister-hasnt-been-invited 12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet]] This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again. Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom. Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent. My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again. The family clearly want to make some bizarre point. I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation --grovelled --for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity. I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 20:41

daisychain01 · 27/04/2025 20:33

I wouldn’t call it a first world problem though, the DD1 stopping going to granny’s house suggests she feels this is quite significant.

at that age, the DD1 really isn't emotionally mature enough to be making wholly sound decisions. Stopping visits to her granny is a temporary reaction while feelings are running high and everyone is talking about the situation.

if both her parents provide her with a loving and supportive home life, this sort of thing should be water off a duck's back. If nothing else she'll build resilience and the ability to rationalise these situations in the future. She shouldn't need to be wrapped in cotton wool over something that in the grand scheme of life isn't that earth shattering.

Im sort of torn. DD1 already has to deal with not having her bio father in her life. She has a solid father figure in DH who clearly loves her but she lives with DD2 who has more family than she does. And if she felt apart of that family, these weddings do undermine that somewhat.
So while it don’t think it’s in her interest to blow it out of all proportion and make it into the biggest deal ever, it’s not nothing.

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 20:42

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 20:39

They might be horrified when they're the ones who suffer the consequences of making DD1 uncomfortable, they might find themselves not invited to significant events.

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So it only matters if dd1 is made uncomfortable? It's really clear that for many many people here, the 2nd daughter her thoughts, feelings and opinions mean fuck all in the shadow of her sister. How absolutely tragic and nasty.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 20:43

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 20:40

the DD1 stopping going to granny’s house suggests she feels this is quite significant.

She didn’t stop going. She never started going in the first place. DD2 decided she was going to start visiting her grandma by herself when she was old enough to and her Grandad had just died.

This was well before the first wedding, so the weddings are irrelevant to the fact that DD1 didn’t choose to visit more often, even though OP saw no difference in the way the MIL treated her children in all the years before her FIL died.

She mightn’t have been calling in like her sister, but the OP has said she now won’t go into the house so there is something up.

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 20:44

CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 20:42

So it only matters if dd1 is made uncomfortable? It's really clear that for many many people here, the 2nd daughter her thoughts, feelings and opinions mean fuck all in the shadow of her sister. How absolutely tragic and nasty.

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It's not just DD1, the OP and her husband also are uncomfortable with it. I would imagine that if DD1 didn't give a shit about going they would still have been disgusted that she hadn't been invited.

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/04/2025 20:44

It’s just the classic first child is the be all and end all and must be prioritised over the second actually having a family with her extended family.

Always done by the mums never dads who have moved on. Fuck dd2 feelings it’s all
about dd1 because mum says so.

MrsKateColumbo · 27/04/2025 20:46

I think for the sake of both DDs you need to de-escalate the situation. Just treat it as dd2 is going to her cousin's wedding for the day and dd1 can do something with you or offer to pay for her and her boyfriend/friends to go to the cinema etc.

I suppose if the nephew was late teens when you met dh they didnt really form a relationship with dd1. It sounds like your dh isnt close to nephew either, if i annoyed my auntie she would phone me up to tell me about it lol!

fashionqueen0123 · 27/04/2025 20:47

My youngest would be horrified if someone left her older sister out and vice versa. It’s awful the way they are treating your eldest and if it was me the whole family wouldn’t go.

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 27/04/2025 20:47

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone can just visualise dd2's wedding in the future!! dd1 wont be there because she will offend mil, bil, sil, cousin1 and cousin 2!! or she goes and mil, bil, sil, cousin 1 and cousin 2 are not invited!! that will be fun and games!

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 20:48

allthemiddlechildrenoftheworld · 27/04/2025 20:47

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone can just visualise dd2's wedding in the future!! dd1 wont be there because she will offend mil, bil, sil, cousin1 and cousin 2!! or she goes and mil, bil, sil, cousin 1 and cousin 2 are not invited!! that will be fun and games!

And it will be the in-laws fault if that happens.

Feelingmuchbetter · 27/04/2025 20:51

Book a fabulous trip with dh to New York and invite both girls. If dd2 wants to stay with her toxic grandmother for the week and go to their boring wretched wedding she can.

I would be making it crystal clear to dd2 that you and dh will never accept either of your dc being mistreated and bullied by any family member, and you would do the same for her. Leave it with her to consider.

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/04/2025 20:52

I mean just maybe neither dd as adults will really care if either attended their weddings.

My sibling was there but it wouldn’t have made or broken my day if not and honestly I’m not fussed if I’m invited to theirs or they elope or do a tiny wedding or whatever. It’s their day not mine.

Not all siblings full or half or steps are really that fussed about each other that’s the biggest lie that its siblings against the world. Some hate each other, some tolerate each other, some are just meh and some love each other.

You don’t get to pick what type of siblings your children are.

Feelingmuchbetter · 27/04/2025 20:52

fashionqueen0123 · 27/04/2025 20:47

My youngest would be horrified if someone left her older sister out and vice versa. It’s awful the way they are treating your eldest and if it was me the whole family wouldn’t go.

Exactly

Nosleepforthismum · 27/04/2025 20:54

I mean, the problem is with DH here. He should have defended your eldest the first time this happened and should still be doing it now by declining the wedding invite unless everyone goes and explaining very sternly to the youngest that it’s unacceptable and unkind to deliberately exclude one member of the household. No one would think it was acceptable if the OP wasn’t invited due to not being a blood relation so I have no idea why this is considered to be any different.

I’d be really coming down hard on your DH because he is actively encouraging resentment and discord between the girls and you are allowing him to do so. I would be so ashamed if my DH behaved like yours.

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 20:54

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/04/2025 20:52

I mean just maybe neither dd as adults will really care if either attended their weddings.

My sibling was there but it wouldn’t have made or broken my day if not and honestly I’m not fussed if I’m invited to theirs or they elope or do a tiny wedding or whatever. It’s their day not mine.

Not all siblings full or half or steps are really that fussed about each other that’s the biggest lie that its siblings against the world. Some hate each other, some tolerate each other, some are just meh and some love each other.

You don’t get to pick what type of siblings your children are.

Edited

And maybe dd2 won't care if the extended family are there and her sister will be her maid of honour. No way of knowing.

Iammatrix · 27/04/2025 20:56

My family is blended and close on both sides.
My DGD doesn’t want to go to her DBs paternal DGPs for the simple reason she says there is nothing to do there. They understand and sometimes do things that will interest her, like going bowling.

But offer her a night at mine, maternal DGMs, and she’s out the door, with her DB on her heels.

DGS loves his 2 DGPs, equally, DGD loves DBs,
DGPs too, and we DGPs are all now friends.

Blended families can and do work in our case.

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 20:57

Nosleepforthismum · 27/04/2025 20:54

I mean, the problem is with DH here. He should have defended your eldest the first time this happened and should still be doing it now by declining the wedding invite unless everyone goes and explaining very sternly to the youngest that it’s unacceptable and unkind to deliberately exclude one member of the household. No one would think it was acceptable if the OP wasn’t invited due to not being a blood relation so I have no idea why this is considered to be any different.

I’d be really coming down hard on your DH because he is actively encouraging resentment and discord between the girls and you are allowing him to do so. I would be so ashamed if my DH behaved like yours.

He did defend her, that’s why he didn’t go to his nephew’s wedding. He clearly defended her again today, because OP came back with an update about how his conversation with the father of the groom went. If he wasn’t defending her, that conversation would never have happened.

Feelingmuchbetter · 27/04/2025 21:00

Op I m not sure what you are trying to achieve with this thread.

You say the girls are close, but that can’t be true if dd2 can bear to watch this happen. Twice.

Your dh is useless and needs to be very clear this is unacceptable to both his family and to dd2. He has the power here to really put his foot down.

You are simpering about dd2’s ‘right’ to her paternal family without considering the consequences to her and your immediate family. You should be doing much more to protect both children from such toxic malign influences.

Nosleepforthismum · 27/04/2025 21:07

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 20:57

He did defend her, that’s why he didn’t go to his nephew’s wedding. He clearly defended her again today, because OP came back with an update about how his conversation with the father of the groom went. If he wasn’t defending her, that conversation would never have happened.

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Hardly, as the youngest still went and he’s happy to allow the same to happen again this time! Why is he not kicking off big time with his family that it’s completely unacceptable. He’s putting his wider family’s wants over his daughter’s relationship with her sister and for me, that is inexcusable.

Feelingmuchbetter · 27/04/2025 21:10

Nosleepforthismum · 27/04/2025 21:07

Hardly, as the youngest still went and he’s happy to allow the same to happen again this time! Why is he not kicking off big time with his family that it’s completely unacceptable. He’s putting his wider family’s wants over his daughter’s relationship with her sister and for me, that is inexcusable.

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I totally agree. It’s pathetic.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 21:11

The range of views on this thread is making my head spin.
We have everything from DD2 is a “selfish cow”, the DH is weak and needs to stand up, his mother is stirring things, this is about treating first children as the priority
i literally can’t keep up with the rest. I doubt the OP can.

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 21:14

Nosleepforthismum · 27/04/2025 21:07

Hardly, as the youngest still went and he’s happy to allow the same to happen again this time! Why is he not kicking off big time with his family that it’s completely unacceptable. He’s putting his wider family’s wants over his daughter’s relationship with her sister and for me, that is inexcusable.

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For me, and clearly for the OP, it’s fine.

He can avoid making his younger daughter miserable and avoid upsetting his mother at the same time as showing his own loyalty to his step daughter. Which is exactly what he is doing.

He doesn’t get to control other people, and his youngest daughter is old enough to have a mind of her own which should be respected.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 21:17

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 21:14

For me, and clearly for the OP, it’s fine.

He can avoid making his younger daughter miserable and avoid upsetting his mother at the same time as showing his own loyalty to his step daughter. Which is exactly what he is doing.

He doesn’t get to control other people, and his youngest daughter is old enough to have a mind of her own which should be respected.

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It does suggest that as much as he clearly has deep affection for DD1 he does see them as different when it comes to his family. And the reality is they are.

That is not to say what’s a happening now is ok.

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 21:18

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/04/2025 20:44

It’s just the classic first child is the be all and end all and must be prioritised over the second actually having a family with her extended family.

Always done by the mums never dads who have moved on. Fuck dd2 feelings it’s all
about dd1 because mum says so.

Edited

In fairness, the reverse tends to be true.

Usually the kids with the ex are the ones who miss out because the focus is on the children who the couple jointly had.

And it's the same here too, tbh. DD2 hasn't missed out on anything. DD1 has had to swallow her feelings because her sister wanted to go to the first wedding, and now this wedding too. DD2 is getting to do whatever she wants while DD1 just has to suck it up.

People might have their own opinions about what's right or wrong, but factually, DD2 hasn't been a lower priority. In fact, her needs/wants/feelings have been prioritised ABOVE the feelings of the older sister.

NC18264 · 27/04/2025 21:19

Their younger son didn't want eldest one there as it casts a shadow on his brother and he is also annoyed about how his mother was upset

It is awful that your teenage DD is being used as a pawn in all of this family drama. If the soon-to-be groom felt strongly that you’d all offended his brother/mother, he shouldn’t have invited any of you. I’d take that on the chin and I don’t think you could or would complain about that. But pointedly leaving out a child for a second time to point score is ridiculous.

UndermyShoeJoe · 27/04/2025 21:21

SpidersAreShitheads · 27/04/2025 21:18

In fairness, the reverse tends to be true.

Usually the kids with the ex are the ones who miss out because the focus is on the children who the couple jointly had.

And it's the same here too, tbh. DD2 hasn't missed out on anything. DD1 has had to swallow her feelings because her sister wanted to go to the first wedding, and now this wedding too. DD2 is getting to do whatever she wants while DD1 just has to suck it up.

People might have their own opinions about what's right or wrong, but factually, DD2 hasn't been a lower priority. In fact, her needs/wants/feelings have been prioritised ABOVE the feelings of the older sister.

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But everyone seems to want her to be the lower priority to protect the eldest is the point. That’s what’s caused the issue, that’s what causes so many threads on here by mums mad their husbands family don’t involve their existing child.

If the mother didn’t expect more than what was given and didn’t give her child the expectations of more from those who are not her family this issue wouldn’t be here.

The biggest issue is once again a dead beat parent and dead beat family if the child’s father and his family where involved nobody would care about this wedding invite.