Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

I would never, ever ask for an invite to a wedding! If I wasn't invited, I'm damned if I would stoop to beg for one!

And that may change.

When the DH has time to reflect on this he may find more anger and he may not want to encourage such a strong family relationship with them.
And if the DD was aware that this time around the family are doing it out of pettiness and spite then she may also reflect and think differently than she does not.

Peoples opinions very much can and do change.

This is the second time they have done this. Of course op can say enough is enough! It’s literally her job to parent and to guide her children, and to use this as a learning opportunity, in our family bullying is never acceptable.

I'm with you, OP. I'd understand them asking your youngest only to be a bridesmaid, for example, but excluding one member of a family only, when that member is a child and the only reason is lack of blood tie, is just brutal and cruel. Would it really kill them to show a child some empathy and kindness?

This. It may well come to colour DD2's attitude when she's a little older and reflects.

And look on the bright side, your DD1 doesn't have to have the fuckers at her wedding, any of them! She's not related!!

Have ypu read the whole thread? It’s not as black and white as you might wish it to be.

And OP is considering the emotions of both her DDs. DD2 has to have a relationship with her paternal family and.

The paternal family are complex and messy but not just plain and outright spiteful.

We are not all angels and totally open and giving people. But that does not mean that their sole objective is to destroy the lives of this family and DD1.

All families must navigate difficult situations and come out on the other side, hopefully with the least damage done.

Its called life!

Can you organise an absolutely AMAZING trip for your DD1, OP? Your DD1 deserves to have an absolutely fabulous time, and your DD1 needs to see that a lack of loyalty has consequences. Not punishment, consequences.

I agree with PP that your DD2 is not showing any empathy and is being quite self-centred. It's all been about her needs, and disregarding her sister's feelings. At 14 years old, she's mature enough to understand exactly what the issues are, and why this behaviour is so nasty. It's lovely that you're defending your DD1 but she's not the kind soul that you seem to think.

If your DH had formally adopted your DD1, would she still "not be family"? He's been a father figure for practically all her life. All that's missing is a piece of paper.

Also, I wouldn't be hosting MIL in your home any more. It's being used against you and somehow DD1 is being blamed for being present in her own home now! I think if DH's family are intent on making it clear that she's not actually family, then your DH and DD2 can go to theirs from now on.

Let them get on with their spiteful behaviour and just remove yourself and DD1 from everything that involves them.

Yep. There've been a lot of posts telling OP that her husband and/or DD2 need to be made, persuaded, overruled. The reality is that OP and DH disagree, she's not in sole charge and evidently knows that, and it's not actually as easy as everyone do what she wants. Hence the difficult situation in which OP finds herself.

I agree with others is book a holiday at the same time and tell younger DC that she can choose which she’d prefer to do. If she’d prefer the wedding she can stay with MIL while you your DH and eldest are away. MIL gets the alone time and everyone knows where everyone’s loyalty is. You can’t dictate who invites who to their wedding or who considers who as family. All you can do is consider how you react to it. My grandparents remarried and had other families, some act and feel like family and others are more estranged and that’s being half related.

I think you should all go or no-one goes, whether your youngest wants to go or not. I feel
you as the parents should make that decision, all or none! Book a weekend away and do your own thing. Time to stand up and be counted now for your oldest’s sake!

Bullied? Because she wasn’t invited to a wedding of people she barely knows and isn’t related to? Don’t be daft.

But a parent has made a decision.
Her father.

So she wants to go.
Her father wants her to go
Her whole paternal family want her to go....

Again OP can't decide to stop her.

You are where you are. You cannot change the reality of your DD1 not being included in 2 family weddings.

You need to move forward and help your young family to move forward as well.

weddings just like inheritance can bring out the very worst in family behaviour, pettiness, vindictiveness, points scoring.

the extent of your upset should stop here. Your 2 DDs have their whole lives ahead of them and they will have to navigate a lifetime of awkward unfair and seemingly insensitive behaviours from family and friends. They shouldn't let these events get in the way of their relationship and future happiness.

think of it as a First World Problem, a temporary glitch to quickly forget about. And definitely don't let it come between you and your DH, it definitely isnt worth worrying about!

Keep in mind that while certainly one nephew and possibly his parent/s are being awful now this family appear to have been fine to DD1 for 14 years.

Im unclear as to why DD1 doesn’t want go to DH’s MIL house now or whether the MIL has expressed concerns about it.

But it has all blown up over a wedding before that things were ok and maybe they will muddle through it.

"The bride wasn't aware of the family set up." Is such a bullshit excuse.
The family set up is that DH lives with his wife and two daughters.
One of DH's family told the bride that she didn't have to/should not invite eldest daughter because she's not a blood relative. And that is what she did.

But according to MIL OP mismanaged it by refusing the invite and should have instead begged for an invite for DD1.

In the second instance. They were all well aware of the situation but spitefully took the opportunity to underline their displeasure that OP's family didn't cave the first time and attend with only the blood relative daughter, leaving the other poor child at home.

The BIL maintaining that he has not issue, but then spat out that MIL never got to see DD2 without DD1 being present, and its clear from OP's posts that isn't true. Also MIL visits weekly. Where is DD1 supposed to go, hide in the car?

They sound like a very petty, horrible lot.

When the DH has time to reflect on this he may find more anger and he may not want to encourage such a strong family relationship with them.

.... or he could be absolutely bored and sick to the back teeth of the entire episode and is counting down the seconds until things get back to normal and the wedding is a thing of the past.

I think mainly for the sake of DD1’s mental health it is important to try to play this down as much as possible while not ignoring or invalidating her feelings.

It doesn’t make a different to her daily life what DH’s nephews think about anything.

I wouldn’t call it a first world problem though, the DD1 stopping going to granny’s house suggests she feels this is quite significant.

Oh this!! The expectation that the world and it's grandma are all horrified that dd1 isn't everyone's priori, and that maybe dd2 and her wants and needs are just as important as ensuring dd1 is happy....

I wouldn’t call it a first world problem though, the DD1 stopping going to granny’s house suggests she feels this is quite significant.

at that age, the DD1 really isn't emotionally mature enough to be making wholly sound decisions. Stopping visits to her granny is a temporary reaction while feelings are running high and everyone is talking about the situation.

if both her parents provide her with a loving and supportive home life, this sort of thing should be water off a duck's back. If nothing else she'll build resilience and the ability to rationalise these situations in the future. She shouldn't need to be wrapped in cotton wool over something that in the grand scheme of life isn't that earth shattering.

You are of course free to think as badly of them, and me, as you wish to.

OP’s youngest thankfully does not have to choose between her paternal family and her sister. Expecting her to is hardly being empathetic, or considerate, to her. Her relationships should not be dependent on what her sister does or does not have.

It's not likely to be over after the wedding though is it, is MIL going to come to visit? Is DD1 going to be comfortable with that?

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone The conversation moved on about youngest and BiL spat out that MiL hadn't even been allowed to be alone with youngest daughter for seven years... and that eldest was always there.??? you have stated that dd2 was in and out mil's house! by the by, i did think there was an element of the mil in this whole situation. your mil has obviously been mouthing off at some point to bil!! the whole lot of them are as toxic as each other and to be honest, dd2 is welcome to them as that is obviously how she feels too!! your dh is being a bit of a wimp in this situation too!! all go or none go!

Exactly! My reply was to the person who said she should have asked for one. Had she asked for one she’d have got slated for doing so!

No invite, don’t go.

They might be horrified when they're the ones who suffer the consequences of making DD1 uncomfortable, they might find themselves not invited to significant events.

the DD1 stopping going to granny’s house suggests she feels this is quite significant.

She didn’t stop going. She never started going in the first place. DD2 decided she was going to start visiting her grandma by herself when she was old enough to and her Grandad had just died.

This was well before the first wedding, so the weddings are irrelevant to the fact that DD1 didn’t choose to visit more often, even though OP saw no difference in the way the MIL treated her children in all the years before her FIL died.