Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

I mean you can’t really argue with the logic.

1. op feels it’s not on morally that both HER children are not invited.

2. Invited child feels that her family doesn’t have to invite other non family members to then if they don’t want too.

Neither opinion is wrong as such they are just different and neither is worse than the other. Option 2 is the logical answer rather than the emotional option 1.

That is not a decision OP can make unilateral
Same as wether or not DD attends the wedding.

Extended family would not be prioritised over our immediate nuclear family and harmony, absolutely not.

Extended family is a nice to have if they are decent people (in this case they are not) but are not a necessity.

There is no way my dc would be raised to put the feelings of their step siblings behind the grotesque behaviour of dh’s family - my dds would stand up for each other in this scenario, and would feel awful to see their s.sister being treated like this.

This just wouldn’t happen in our family tbh for this reason. We have each other’s back in all circumstances.

They are operating like one.

I don’t see anything indecent about this family. In the blended families I know and have known, personally and professionally, this dynamic is entirely normal. It is only on mumsnet that I see people taking such vehement issue with it.

You can’t say they would though because no amount of basically insisting they should feel this way makes them feel that way.

Exactly! It's the arrogance from op and her dd1 that people, completely non-related... whove never met her,nhaven't considered dd1 as a guest for their wedding, over people they do know and like!

You do you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Yours is not everyone’s viewpoint, or lived experience, and nor does it have to be. To the youngest DD and her father, her extended family IS important, as not something she should have to sacrifice because her sister doesn’t have one.

It Is called parenting!

You can’t parent out someone’s feelings! That’s just forcing a view they don’t have. Thats not actually good parenting.

A good parent lets their child have their view but also discusses why they feel the other side might be the better view but they don’t force their views as the only right ones.

You are ignoring their atrocious behaviour! What kind of parent stands by and allows such poor behaviour, and dd2 is old enough to know this isn’t on.

I think the reality is that people often don’t have “nice” emotions, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows and embracing children simply because they are children.

The OP did well by DD1 to marry a man who was good father to her. I get the sense that the OP and DH pushed a bit hard when it came to DD1. The OP has quite strong feelings about the nephew’s not seeing DD1 as their cousin when in fact she is not their cousin. They were two teenagers when DD1 was introduced to them and probably are too wrapped up in their own lives ago over think much. So to them DD1 is simply OP’s child and groom one invited his cousins to his wedding. And he probably didn’t think past that about what it would be like for DD1 as he’s a young guy.

This wedding us different and now they are actively being awful to a teenage girl who they know was upset the last time.

They have met her.

There is no arrogance, dd1 has been in this families life since she was 2.5 years old she should be part of the family! It’s not as if dd1 is 16/17 and has just come into the extended family, that would be completely different.

They are a family of 4 and should be treated as one.

@Cheswick
From what I remember there was some chat with the MIL who didn't want to get caught up in this.

Even in this thread OP has said that last year the bride was in charge of the guest list and all they had to do was ask for another invitation (at this point, I would have also educated them in how to include all family members)

What you are actually suggesting is allowing the bullying to continue unchallenged. Good parenting means sitting down and explaining to dd2 what they are doing and why, to explain the pain and harm it is causing within the family, and especially to her dss. Dd2 should understand fully why op and dh are so upset. This IS parenting.

Developing family values, loyalty and respect is fundamental to families. There is not a chance we would condone any of this.

Weddings really can bring out the worst in people. No I wouldn't go as excluding your eldest child is appalling. I was 'uninvited' from a dear niece's wedding. I am divorced from her Uncle and my ex sister in law (not the niece's mother) didn't want me there. I now have nothing to do with any of that side of the family - apart from my lovely niece. Interestingly my own daughter married recently and after this decided to invite nobody from her Dad's family.

The thing that frustrates me about this thread is that you cannot force something because you think it should be so. At least some extended family members don’t see DD1 as family. Whether they “should”
or not they don’t.

The main characters mainly MIL seem to have included DD1 but it appears from brother’s snapped comment that there was some feelings about it behind the scenes, possibly invoked by the blood grandchild DD2 arriving who knows.

I think the main reason they should have invited DD1 is simply because they know she wants to go. So not inviting her is actively causing upset to a girl who is basically still a child.

I don’t think their behavior is atrocious. They are not her paternal family and do not have to pretend otherwise. The two daughters are not the same to them, no matter how much some would like to insist they should be considered to be. Again, not an uncommon viewpoint, or a ‘wrong’ one. OP’s DD doesn’t take issue with it, and doesn’t have to take issue with it because her mother does.

I adore both of my girls, they are lovely and get on well with eachother.

The youngest one isn't a brat or a cow!

She didn't rub her sister's face in it last year at all.

My youngest is empathetic and is loyal but she doesn't see why she needs to be loyal to her sister because the cousin is not her sister's cousin but hers.

I pity any family you are connected with. We have very different ideas and values. We don’t have second class citizens in our family.

She is not that loyal or empathetic is she? Her sister is being bullied publicly and she is perfectly okay with it.

And how often on mumsnet are people told not to be so rude as to ask for an invite when they don’t get one.

they are also repeatedly told an invite is jsut that not a summonds and if you don’t like the invite don’t go. Which is what they did.

OP was dammed either way.

Despite OP’s husband disagreeing with them on this, it is clearly important to him that his daughter maintains those strong family relationships that he has encouraged her to have.

And OP did that. The youngest is not at all unaware of OP’s feelings on the matter. Thinking that explaining it again will magically make her fall into line is naive at best.

You cannot make someone think the way you want them to.

I’ll be sure to pass on your condolences lol.

I do not envy yours any more than you do mine. Vive la différence and all that.

I think it's extremely mean-spirited and there's actually something missing in someone who refuses to see that.

It's unfortunate that DD2's loyalties are lying here with the wider family and not with her sister who she lives with.

Anyone with a bit of consideration or decency would do the right thing, especially as this is the second time.

Sod MIL being upset @Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone - what about you and your family? Doesn't give a fuck about your upset, does she? I'd be massively distancing myself if I were you. It's very much a snub to you and they know damn well what they are doing!

That is clearly not the DD2 perspective. Presumably if she felt that DD1 was being “bullied publicly” she wouldn’t go.

Her view is that the cousins are her cousins not DD1’s cousins.

I actually don’t know what the right thing to do when it comes to the wedding is at this stage. Previously I would have said it’s DD2s choice. I still think it has to be her choice but perhaps it is worth a more detailed chat about her sister’s feelings.