Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

She probably never requested it because she knew it wouldn’t go down well so chose to keep the peace, despite secretly wishing she could bond with her young granddaughter without simultaneously having to focus on another child. I think that’s understandable to be fair. Mil did nothing wrong, but is clearly upset that bother her sons won’t be at a family wedding together. It must be really hard for grandparents in this situation.

They have a point that you could have avoided the bad feeling last time by asking for an invitation for dd1. It sounds like the first B&G would have included dd1 if they’d realised but they weren’t given the opportunity to correct their mistake. There was space for you to be more gracious about it but you chose to decline without explanation instead, which is your prerogative, but you can’t pretend it had no effect on other people’s feelings at the time.

Your dd1, for whatever reason, doesn’t want to visit her step grandmother like her sister does, which again is her choice but it does mean there’s no need for you to be so offended on her behalf that they don’t see her as one of their own. She doesn’t see them as her family either. It’s just you that wants to force unrelated people to feel as if they’re family.

You complain about the lack of invitation but then compare their wedding to hell. You barely see these people, clearly don’t like them, so why are you making this into such a drama?

@Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone just out of interest, how does MIL treat your eldest daughter generally? Has she accepted her as a grandchild? Does she treat her equally? Or does she consider that she only has one granddaughter?

It’s not her biological family no but she has been in their lives since she was 2.5 years old so it is her “family” but they clearly don’t see it like that so fuck em. We are a blended family (dh had two children when I met him) and they were never left out by my family because they understood that my dh and his kids were a package.

DD1 doesn’t see her own father so the nearest she has to paternal family is her stepdad and his family.

They are being arseholes.

Cement relationships? What where they leave one child out?

DH embraced DD1 as his own pretty much and that’s obviously fantastic. It’s also the most important thing.

But families are a complicated animal and what has unfolded suggests that perhaps OP & DH were somewhat naive and perhaps a little pushy when it came to his family’s relationship with DD1. The spat comment that the MiL didn’t get to have DD2 alone for the first 7 years suggests that DD1 is not seen as theirs in the same way as DD2 is. I’d wager that attitude isn’t uncommon but it’s not openly discussed.

I don’t know what the right thing to do is when it comes to the wedding at this stage. In a way the damage has already been done.

A full grown man saying that a girl’s presence will cast a shadow over his brother is interesting to put it mildly.

I agree that it is important for your younger daughter to have a say in whether or not she attends but I think that this time around things are more complicated.
It is a different set of circumstances this time.

I think you and your husband should explain to your younger daughter that what they are doing is vindictive, spiteful and bullying and you do not tolerate that kind of behaviour directed at anyone, let alone your daughter.

Let her know that is why you (yourself and your husband) will not be going.

Last time it was a dimwitted couple thinking that it made sense to invite the parents and one child from a family unit and exclude the other child. A child that your husband has raised since the age of two no less and is the half sister of his biological daughter.
This time it is out of spite and that’s just plain nasty.

Pretty sure I suggested last year that your DH should just talk to his family, tell them they were wrong to exclude DD and ask for another invitation

Why didn't he do that? All this drama would be over by now

They didn't know that they could get an invite though did they? If you read the last thread they explained why they had declined it to the SIL and the SIL said she would ask them but a month later they still had heard nothing back.

It's all very well them saying oh if you'd asked you would have got one, but considering the way they all seem to behave I'd say it's unlikely they would have.

It’s favoritism in the sense that one is her grandchild and one isn’t, sure. I’m not seeing manipulation though. - they are treated differently because they are different, and the relationships reflect that. That the DD1’s paternal family is lacking does not oblige OP’s in laws to step in and provide her with one, and they haven’t.

The DD2 understands perfectly well the family dynamic, and has no issue with it. Since being a child she has been encouraged to develop, and has developed, close and loving relationships with her paternal family. This is her normal, and indeed it is normal in many blended families, so to expect her to take issue with it now, especially when her sister is very nearly an adult, is unfair to her. Besides, OP cannot unilaterally ‘step up’ and limit her relationships with them.

Your younger daughter really is being brought up to be a complete brat with zero empathy!

I'm from a family with step siblings too.

We've never been one blended family. My stepsiblings were invited to family weddings from 'their side' and I wasn't. My stepsiblings received gifts at Xmas and I didn't, and like your DD1, I didn't have another family either.

I have my own family now and haven't seen step siblings in many years.

I don't think blended families work well in a great number of cases. I accepted that a long time ago. However I think the real damage with 'blended' families is that even the relationship between 'blood' siblings can be segregated and negative as well and that is the thing that needs to be worked on the most.

I don't know what the answer to your dilemma is OP or even if there is an answer. You can (and should rant here on MN) but aside apart from that it is just wasting your energy. The family don't see your DD1 as 'their' family. It isn't nice or right but that is obviously how they feel and you can't do much about it.

Should you allow your younger DD to attend the wedding? Imo yes you should because nothing positive will come from not allowing it for either of your daughters.

I'd do my utmost to nourish a good relationship between your two children. Trying to make other people treat them in a certain way won't work and you trying to treat them the same won't work either.

I can’t believe your dd is 13 and you can’t explain fully why this isn’t good for your family unit, and stop this nonsense straight away op. It doesn’t sound like you or dh are actually parenting here, and if you don’t address the issues swiftly this is going to poison your family from the inside out.

We would book a holiday in your place, there would be no wedding or talk of weddings. We would go away, and take our girls somewhere fun and enjoy spending time together. Work on building relationships inside your home, not prioritising your nasty mil.

We would also consider moving house.

I think by the sounds of things at the very least MIL and possibly more family members had appeared to embrace DD1 because it was made clear by DH that what was expected possibly, but perhaps they was some not so positive feelings around it which weren’t expressed but are sort of coming out in the wash now.

I could be of course reading into the DH’s brothers comments too much but it’s interesting he said it in the context of the wedding.

And they are being awful about this second wedding as if DD1 is some ominous presence that will remain them of past conflict.

I remember your last thread and it’s really shitty that this has happened again.

I do think your younger daughter should go if she wants to though and it’s not fair to expect her to not go to family occasions in defence of her sister.

That’s an unfair pressure to put on a kid and you really need to stop expecting it OP.

Except that isn’t how it works in many blended families, including this one. Blended families don’t have to operate like nuclear ones, and trying to force them to rarely works out well ime.

That the eldest doesn’t have a paternal family isn’t the fault of OP’s in-laws, and it isn’t something they are required to compensate for. Nor is it on the youngest to reject her paternal family, who she is close to, because of her sister’s lack of one.

This is such a nasty attitude, I’m shocked by some of the comments and name calling about the DD2.

She’s just a kid who shouldn’t be put in the middle of this situation that was all beyond her control. She probably thinks her sister isn’t that bothered about being part of the family if she never wants to go with her to Grandmas. She might also think that her parents should have just asked for the extra invitation last time and understand that her cousin made a mistake.

You’d basically stop your youngest going to family events and being able to pop
in to her families because they don’t accept your older child? You really think that would actually fix anything.

Because it wouldn’t it would be her stopped from seeing her family to appease other people when she wants to see them and understands that they are her family and not her sisters.

It’s not black and white do this to protect your family. Because often in step half families that blind view actually destroys the family and the half siblings end up V low contact and parent / sibling is held responsible as the reason they didn’t get to have their family because the other didn’t have one.

If you read the OPs posts re first wedding, you would find the the OPs husband actually did talk to his family. He was very clear about why the invitation was declined.

It's quite indicative of how op favours one child to see all the batshit posters being totally horrible and bullying towards a child and not stepping in to defend her 2nd child.
She's happy with posters calling her daughter 'a little cow' 'brat' 'selfish' 'spiteful'.... why do you dislike dd2 so much @Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone ? Is she not on the bandwagon of dd1 rules, all actions are for her happiness only?

Decent families look after each other, care about their feelings and are loyal and loving. Blended or not, they are a family and should operate like one.

I think that's bullshit - I don't see the op "favouring one child"!

Maybe she will defend her younger DD when she next posts!

If she now suddenly does it because it’s been pointed out.

Well that's not what op is doing. Dd2 thoughts and feelings aren't being considered under the umbrella of 'what does dd1 want! How will this make dd1 feel!!'

The DD does understand OP’s position, and disagrees with it. She cannot be forced into agreeing with it, and trying to is likely to do the very damage to the sibling relationship, and the mother -daughter one, that presumably OP wants to avoid.

For her entire life she has been encouraged to be close to her paternal family, as that is something her father has especially wanted for her. The the eldest daughter lacks those relationships does not mean the youngest should have to miss out, or be expected to be willing to. These are important relationships to her.

Sounds like for wedding 1 you barely know the groom and may never have met the bride. Is wedding 2 any different? Do you actually know the couple? You handled the first wedding invite badly and caused unnecessary drama, and as a result groom 2 doesn't like you and will be quite pleased to see you decline.