Page 20 | Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 2025-04-26T14:20:56+00:00

[[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5069694-12-year-old-wants-to-go-to-wedding-where-sister-hasnt-been-invited 12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet]] This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again. Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom. Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent. My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again. The family clearly want to make some bizarre point. I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation --grovelled --for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity. I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

wooda180 · 27/04/2025 18:37

I would be staying home with both of the children in this situation

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 18:37

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 18:32

Well unless the grandparent is taking the child out and the visits are just at either the OPs home or the grandparents home then as OP asked 'where else is the other child going to be?'
I've never ever heard of a situation where someone leaves some siblings at home or sends them off somewhere just so granny gets to only see their own grandchild/children.

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The comment is concerning. Is the brother observing himself that his mother hadn’t seen DD2 alone for 7 years or did MiL say that to him? It suggests that there is a view that DD1 has been pushed onto the family & was essentially in the way. He “spat it”, again whose emotions are those, his or his mother’s?

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 18:41

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 27/04/2025 18:34

He meant the first seven years of DD2's life.

A lot of grannies resent not being allowed not to mind young kids. But this granny was allowed but older child was present. So does granny or BiL himself feel that her presence took something away from granny?

Iammatrix · 27/04/2025 18:42

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 18:37

The comment is concerning. Is the brother observing himself that his mother hadn’t seen DD2 alone for 7 years or did MiL say that to him? It suggests that there is a view that DD1 has been pushed onto the family & was essentially in the way. He “spat it”, again whose emotions are those, his or his mother’s?

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I think this had been the crux of it. MIL did not feel that she could or should say anything. But things have been said behind closed doors as all families do!

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 18:48

It’s very hard that the way all this has played out means that an 18 year old girl is now left very hurt.

Iammatrix · 27/04/2025 18:54

It is sad!

Original poster

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 27/04/2025 18:55

There was never any requests from MiL to see DD2 alone when she was little to the best of my recollection.

I cannot stop my daughter going as it would be unfair to her and not make life easier for my eldest daughter.

OP posts:

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 18:57

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 27/04/2025 18:55

There was never any requests from MiL to see DD2 alone when she was little to the best of my recollection.

I cannot stop my daughter going as it would be unfair to her and not make life easier for my eldest daughter.

I am sorry OP that it has all played out like this.

What would you like to happen now beyond this wedding?

Why does DD1 not go into MIL’a house? Is it because of something to do with MIL or because she’s afraid she’ll run into one of the nephews.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 27/04/2025 18:58

Surely Granny would have seen DD2 while the older one was at school? The more we hear the more ridiculous this gets.

And maybe the first brides family were not impressed when they found out why DD2 was there on her own. I'd have been annoyed if my daughter has been put in the position of missing a child off an invitation when the true facts were known.

Anewdawnanewname · 27/04/2025 19:05

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 27/04/2025 18:10

My husband spoke with his brother today at their mother's. With last year's wedding BiL's DiL was in charge of the invitations - I have always believed this. What upset me was that neither of these two nephews see my eldest admittedly a decade younger than them as a cousin and this daughter-in-law didn't realise 'our set up' and didn't invite my eldest.

Apparently had we asked for an invitation for her she would have got one but our refusal without explanation upset SiL and the nephew ringing husband apparently cast a shadow on the runup to the wedding and I don't get this, embarrassed them with the new in-laws.

In the interim we have MiL every week and eldest one is friendly but she doesn't ever want to go to MiL's house but was made to go in once when husband dropped something off to her en route somewhere.

Their younger son didn't want eldest one there as it casts a shadow on his brother and he is also annoyed about how his mother was upset.

BiL doesn't want any issues between us. The conversation moved on about youngest and BiL spat out that MiL hadn't even been allowed to be alone with youngest daughter for seven years... and that eldest was always there. MiL was never stopped ever from seeing youngest and as for eldest always being there, well where else would she have been?

Since FiL's death which coincided with Year 6 for youngest, youngest drops into MiL. I do not think that their relationship is a toxic one and I don't think that they influence her negatively.

She wants to go to this wedding, like she went to the other wedding, if we stopped her, I don't necessarily think she will blame my eldest but she would be relentless in her misery. Husband wants her to go as he wants her to have a good relationship with his family which he thinks is cemented by occasions like weddings.

She can't see why she needs to support her sister in these circumstances as her sister isn't related to her cousin. She just sees it logically.

I couldn't help but smile at the suggestion that I go with DD2 but I would rather go to the 7th circle of Hell.

So they’re annoyed that MiL was upset last time and have decided to do the exact same again to spite DD1? They surely know it will be a similar answer to last time. It’s like they’re starting to demonise DD1, now blaming her for not seeing dd2 enough. I’d distance myself from the lot of them.

WhatNoRaisins · 27/04/2025 19:06

It's all a bit strange. I'm not one of those who insists that an extended family must treat an unrelated stepchild exactly the same as their sibling or else they are absolutely horrid but I don't get not inviting to a wedding. Unless you're absolutely penny pinching for each guest you invite the family unit surely.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 19:06

It’s the feeling behind the statement that Id be concerned about. It seems that perhaps there has been a veneer of politeness when it comes to DD1 but it’s transpires there were some feelings about it, and she is not seen as the same as DD2.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/04/2025 19:10

So the bride made a mistake as she wasn’t fully aware of the family set up and would have given another invite if you had asked but instead you created a load of drama and refused to go. I do think you behaved inappropriately and have caused this. Why did you not just get the extra invite last time, it sounds like you like drama and being centre of attention.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 19:10

Anewdawnanewname · 27/04/2025 19:05

So they’re annoyed that MiL was upset last time and have decided to do the exact same again to spite DD1? They surely know it will be a similar answer to last time. It’s like they’re starting to demonise DD1, now blaming her for not seeing dd2 enough. I’d distance myself from the lot of them.

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I think focus on minding DD1 through this period. Counselling would seem wise. Focus on DH one, she has DH and that’s what really matters.
What DH’s nephew thinks doesn’t matter hugely IMO and should be played down, but MiL is a bigger figure and DD1 doesn’t want too up go into her house. So she is clearly upset and has emotion around what would have been her granny figure.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 27/04/2025 19:11

Bigfatsunandclouds · 26/04/2025 15:57

I thought the first time was cruel but doing it a second time knowing how much upset it caused is unforgivable in my eyes. I wouldn't let younger child go this time.

I agree, I wouldn't either!

Feelingmuchbetter · 27/04/2025 19:11

I remember your last thread.

Shocking behaviour.

Hell would freeze over before any of us would go this time. Your youngest dd needs to be told that we do not allow bullying in families and we won’t be going. We would be going no contact.

It is time to put a firm stop to this. How bloody damaging for your dd op. I am so sorry for her and for you.
Your dh needs to grow a backbone, I doubt any of this would have happened if he had put his foot down last time.

NewTrainersNew · 27/04/2025 19:13

DublinLaLaLa · 26/04/2025 15:30

Do the same as last time. And don’t send a gift. To exclude a child who has been part of your husband’s family for over 14 years (you got together when she was 2 and now she’s 16?) is awful. She’s the groom’s cousin’s sister - not some random child.

Agree.

frecklejuice · 27/04/2025 19:14

No way would any of us be going to that wedding, the youngest is old enough to understand that this is shit behaviour by your in-laws and she needs to understand loyalty.

Id be distancing myself massively from that side of the family as well, I can’t be arsed with nasty bullying and pettiness.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/04/2025 19:15

Feelingmuchbetter · 27/04/2025 19:11

I remember your last thread.

Shocking behaviour.

Hell would freeze over before any of us would go this time. Your youngest dd needs to be told that we do not allow bullying in families and we won’t be going. We would be going no contact.

It is time to put a firm stop to this. How bloody damaging for your dd op. I am so sorry for her and for you.
Your dh needs to grow a backbone, I doubt any of this would have happened if he had put his foot down last time.

But they could have just got an invite last time. The bride made a mistake (yes the cousin didn’t give the full info but there’s a large age gap, he probably didn’t really think)

Feelingmuchbetter · 27/04/2025 19:17

I suspect your mil is instrumental to this situation behind the scenes. This is less about dna and more about good old fashioned manipulation and favouritism.

You have to respond more strongly. No, she doesn’t get free rein over dd2, so she can sow even more division. Stop to toxicity dripping into your family by protecting everyone from dh’s family inc dd2.

We have a saying in our family all for one and one for all. Mil is calling the shots, so it’s about time you stepped up op, because sadly it doesn’t sound like your dh has it in him.

Iammatrix · 27/04/2025 19:19

frecklejuice · 27/04/2025 19:14

No way would any of us be going to that wedding, the youngest is old enough to understand that this is shit behaviour by your in-laws and she needs to understand loyalty.

Id be distancing myself massively from that side of the family as well, I can’t be arsed with nasty bullying and pettiness.

It’s not DD1s family it’s DD2s.

Let’s separate the families, they are a blended family and DH who is standing by DD1, does want his biological DD, to have a relationship with his family. And OP has more or less said that MIL is not a monster.

Do you really feel that DD2 should be denied a relationship with her paternal family and?

Feelingmuchbetter · 27/04/2025 19:20

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/04/2025 19:15

But they could have just got an invite last time. The bride made a mistake (yes the cousin didn’t give the full info but there’s a large age gap, he probably didn’t really think)

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Don’t be so ridiculously naive and misguided. This was not a mistake! I remember it well. Had it been a mistake any number of family members would have corrected it, dh and mil would have had a quiet word and it would have been rectified immediately. It was not.

Now they have done the same thing again. What another ‘mistake’?? I think not.

This is classic family bullying and op needs to sit down and be honest with dd2.

Anewdawnanewname · 27/04/2025 19:21

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/04/2025 19:10

So the bride made a mistake as she wasn’t fully aware of the family set up and would have given another invite if you had asked but instead you created a load of drama and refused to go. I do think you behaved inappropriately and have caused this. Why did you not just get the extra invite last time, it sounds like you like drama and being centre of attention.

Because she “hadn’t been made aware of the family set up.” It’s not the bride’s fault, but someone has given her the names of who to invite and missed DD1 off on purpose. It’s not a complicated setup. And they’ve done exactly the same again: spiteful.

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 19:22

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 27/04/2025 19:10

So the bride made a mistake as she wasn’t fully aware of the family set up and would have given another invite if you had asked but instead you created a load of drama and refused to go. I do think you behaved inappropriately and have caused this. Why did you not just get the extra invite last time, it sounds like you like drama and being centre of attention.

Why on earth would you blame OP for causing the drama?
If it was a mistake then they could have said 'omg I'm so sorry for the mix up and that you thought you were deliberately excluding Amy, we'd love you all to come'.

Instead SIL got upset and apparently didn't get it over when they realised about the 'mistake', none of them did and they all held a weird grudge, they're the ones who caused the drama.

Feelingmuchbetter · 27/04/2025 19:22

Iammatrix · 27/04/2025 19:19

It’s not DD1s family it’s DD2s.

Let’s separate the families, they are a blended family and DH who is standing by DD1, does want his biological DD, to have a relationship with his family. And OP has more or less said that MIL is not a monster.

Do you really feel that DD2 should be denied a relationship with her paternal family and?

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Quite frankly I certainly wouldn’t want any child of mine anywhere near such toxic, spiteful people. It wouldn’t be much of a sacrifice to be fair.