Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

In hindsight it was not the best decision to let DD2 go alone previously. However you can’t undo what is done. But you can chose differently this time. DD2 isn’t asking to go alone, she just wants to go, and she shouldn’t be going alone anyway as it says DD1 feelings are more important in the family unit.

OP is taking DD2 so she can have a fun time, but not have to explain why OP and DH isn’t there like last time. This time OP will do that instead. OP will not enjoy it as she would like DD2 and DH there as well, but as DD1 was excluded it’s not going to happen, nevertheless she is going to be supportive of DD2.

It is also putting down a marker to all that OP is DD2’s mother as well as DD1’s. She is their mother whether 4 or 14, and this is splitting her family.

Same treatment as last time, same response as last time. Decline.

They sound throughly awful people, if you’re lucky they won’t speak to you again.

I really can’t believe that every one is saying that DD2 cannot have a relationship with her paternal family unless DD1 is included. Because that is what it boils down to.

This family have been together for a long time.

Did MIL, take them both out as young children or was it only DD2. There must have been other events that DD2 went to that DD1 did not go to.

Or DD1 go to all of DD2s paternal family events?Or were there no paternal family events before these weddings?Or is it just about the weddings?

Does DD1 have a DGM relationship with OPs MIL?

This family have been a family for a long to time. The dynamics of DD1 and DD2s extended families should have been established by now.

With me it would be all go or nobody goes, end off. I'd arrange a day out for you all and to be honest, I wouldn't even send a card never mind a present. If anything gets said just say, we are a family of four where one goes we all go or nobody goes. Like it or lump it, I do hope neither marriage ends in divorce and they re-marry and have more children with other partners.

My husband spoke with his brother today at their mother's. With last year's wedding BiL's DiL was in charge of the invitations - I have always believed this. What upset me was that neither of these two nephews see my eldest admittedly a decade younger than them as a cousin and this daughter-in-law didn't realise 'our set up' and didn't invite my eldest.

Apparently had we asked for an invitation for her she would have got one but our refusal without explanation upset SiL and the nephew ringing husband apparently cast a shadow on the runup to the wedding and I don't get this, embarrassed them with the new in-laws.

In the interim we have MiL every week and eldest one is friendly but she doesn't ever want to go to MiL's house but was made to go in once when husband dropped something off to her en route somewhere.

Their younger son didn't want eldest one there as it casts a shadow on his brother and he is also annoyed about how his mother was upset.

BiL doesn't want any issues between us. The conversation moved on about youngest and BiL spat out that MiL hadn't even been allowed to be alone with youngest daughter for seven years... and that eldest was always there. MiL was never stopped ever from seeing youngest and as for eldest always being there, well where else would she have been?

Since FiL's death which coincided with Year 6 for youngest, youngest drops into MiL. I do not think that their relationship is a toxic one and I don't think that they influence her negatively.

She wants to go to this wedding, like she went to the other wedding, if we stopped her, I don't necessarily think she will blame my eldest but she would be relentless in her misery. Husband wants her to go as he wants her to have a good relationship with his family which he thinks is cemented by occasions like weddings.

She can't see why she needs to support her sister in these circumstances as her sister isn't related to her cousin. She just sees it logically.

I couldn't help but smile at the suggestion that I go with DD2 but I would rather go to the 7th circle of Hell.

I go away as a whole family unit and sod the lot of them.

"BiL doesn't want any issues between us... and BiL spat out that MiL hadn't even been allowed to be alone with youngest daughter for seven years... and that eldest was always there. MiL was never stopped ever from seeing youngest and as for eldest always being there, well where else would she have been?"

At this point I would have told your BIL to f* right off.

I don't want any issues is clearly a lie when he's spitting out untrue gripes on behalf of MIL ... I wonder where he got that idea from.. It's clearly a gripe she's been going on about.

His statement indicates a long term resentment of your DD1 from MIL, from BIL and the rest.

Your poor daughter.

I couldn’t continue a relationship with people like this. Youngest should be fine to go to MiL house with your husband but she would never be allowed to cross my threshold again.

What did BIL mean when he said that your MIL hadn't even been allowed to be alone with your youngest daughter in seven years as the eldest was always there?

Did he mean that your daughter was always there in her own home when MIL visited every week? If so, he is being absolutely horrible if he expects your DD to leave her own home. Where would she go? She has no contact with her dad's side, so this is really unkind and unfair.

You say that since FIL died, your younger daughter goes to MILs house quite often and your older daughter never goes, so BIL's complaints are mean and unjustified. They sound like a pretty toxic and divisive family.

I don’t agree tbh, DD2 went off the last time and had a good time with her granny who she hangs out with anyways and her cousins her age. Then she went off on holidays with same. She hasn’t expressed that she wants her family to go, she wants to go.

She also didn’t explain why the rest of her family weren’t there, the DH did that.

What was said the last time by the groom is that his wife didn’t know about the DH’s “set-up”. The OP took from that that then groom doesn’t see her child as family. This guy was 16 odd it seems at the time the Op got married and presumably he remembers DD1 being around and he doesn’t see DD1 as part of his family. That in itself is not that big a deal.

I dont agree with what happened after that, if someone had said to me they were upset SD wasn’t invited to wedding Id have issued another invite. The groom seemed to think an evening off would be enough and to be fair to him he might have been trying to do the right thing and made a balls if it. Other family members didn’t want to interfere or they may have tried who knows.

The family have know got the hump and are lashing it out it seems and maybe trying to prove a point.

What is the Op going to do at the wedding? Chat away to her DH’s family members while he sits at home. There will be emotion about that in the Dd’s family.

Also from DD1s POV, the family have now not invited her knowing it caused upset the first time and now both her sister & mother are going.

It seems a bit nuts as an idea, it’s certainly not an idea with no downsides.

I’m sorry but I have 2 kids that are mine and 1 sc, in my view they are all mine, if either my parents or in-laws tried to treat them differently from one another they would be disowned! As for wider family this would not be a question, we have already gone nc with family that refused to treat our children as equals! Sorry I haven’t read the original thread, so don’t know what has happened previously

I wouldn't let my younger child go, if the elder one isn't invited I would keep my whole family from going. Talk about disgraceful and insulting!

Disgusting behaviour from grown adults. Blood or not that child is family and there’s nothing they can do about it.
I can’t think of any reason to justify their behaviour, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this.

Knowing the upset it caused last time they are doing it again. I am heartbroken for your eldest daughter and what this has done to your whole family as I can’t seen how this will ever be recovered. Do go away on holiday - please make something good of this time.

Sounds like the whole family feel as if they have been forced to accept oldest as one of them so to speak and are not happy about it another weddings are their push back.

though I don’t see how in 7 years at one point the granny couldn’t of seen her own grandchild without the older one ever. All my children are full siblings and still have times they are with family members on their own not as an all or none.

Their younger son didn't want eldest one there as it casts a shadow on his brother and he is also annoyed about how his mother was upset.

I'm confused with all the people in this but are you saying that he didn't invite the eldest because it makes his brother look bad because he didn't invite her?
And because your MIL was upset he thinks he can pay you back by upsetting your eldest again?

If that's the case I wouldn't want either of my kids around someone like that.

So I presume DD1 does not want to go to the wedding but you are upset on principle?

I got the gist of most of your post (no need to explain further).

DD1 must be allowed to have a relationship with her paternal family and you must keep DD1
away from them. But without all this tension.

It does not sound as if DD2 is being mean. She sounds like a sensible girl.

We all know all about how DD2 feels about this.
less about the feelings of DD1. Although you say, understandably, that she does not want to go
to your MILs house.

Ok so the nephews don’t see your eldest as a cousin. That kind of is what it is, you can’t force it, I don’t think how the nephews see your Dad2 matters hugely. I also see why they feel it was embarrassing in front of in-laws as its family drama.

I can see when refusing without explanation would upset SIL. As for a 18 year old girl “casting a shadow” on a full grown man & the mother still being upset they both need to grow up and move on.

What would give me pause for thought is the brother saying that the granny “hasn’t even been allowed to be alone with DD2 in 7 years”, so there has been a discussion about that? Is that his view or MIL’s view?

Well unless the grandparent is taking the child out and the visits are just at either the OPs home or the grandparents home then as OP asked 'where else is the other child going to be?'
I've never ever heard of a situation where someone leaves some siblings at home or sends them off somewhere just so granny gets to only see their own grandchild/children.

He meant the first seven years of DD2's life.

In 7 years never letting daughter have a play date at grannies or lunch at Nannie’s without it being a whole family event I find strange.

Did the granny ever ask?

Who knows I don’t. But since it’s clearly been on mils mind you’d think it must of been raised at some point.

Exactly.
I mean the mother isn't blood related to the family either, yet she was invited.