Page 18 | Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 2025-04-26T14:20:56+00:00

[[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5069694-12-year-old-wants-to-go-to-wedding-where-sister-hasnt-been-invited 12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet]] This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again. Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom. Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent. My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again. The family clearly want to make some bizarre point. I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation --grovelled --for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity. I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 13:45

God this is really getting tedious, some people are really twisting themselves in knots to try to make out that it's somehow normal to divide families in this way, when pretty much all decent people would have put all 4 on the invitation end of story, and the idea of leaving the eldest daughter off the invitation would never even have entered their heads.

elfendom · 27/04/2025 13:46

why was my post deleted, at 12.28 and no email to explain why, I don't think I have been peculiarly nasty to anyone on this thread. I am guessing it is my IP address just doesn't suit someone.

elfendom · 27/04/2025 13:48

so my IP is here and I can publish, back it up mumsnet, it u are deleting my posts, absolutely disgraceful.

elfendom · 27/04/2025 13:52

so no dogs, no blacks and no Irish ...

Charliecatpaws · 27/04/2025 15:04

I’d accept the invitation for the 3 of you but have no intention of attending, let them waste their money on meals, drinks etc. but I’m petty like that

Bellyblueboy · 27/04/2025 15:13

Charliecatpaws · 27/04/2025 15:04

I’d accept the invitation for the 3 of you but have no intention of attending, let them waste their money on meals, drinks etc. but I’m petty like that

The problem is that shifts the family narrative.

You take the high road. Decline the invitation and be truthful about the reason.

It is hurtful to the family that one member was excluded, so we will not be attending.

Or, as Jill’s parents we won’t attend an event that she has been excluded from. Amy has decided that she does want to attend so she will attend with her Nana.

no mixed messages, no passive aggressive behwviour, no matching their bad manners. Just clear, unambiguous reasoning. No one can argue

WhatNoRaisins · 27/04/2025 15:29

Bellyblueboy · 27/04/2025 15:13

The problem is that shifts the family narrative.

You take the high road. Decline the invitation and be truthful about the reason.

It is hurtful to the family that one member was excluded, so we will not be attending.

Or, as Jill’s parents we won’t attend an event that she has been excluded from. Amy has decided that she does want to attend so she will attend with her Nana.

no mixed messages, no passive aggressive behwviour, no matching their bad manners. Just clear, unambiguous reasoning. No one can argue

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I agree, sometimes when the people around you are behaving badly the best thing to do is to keep some dignity and behave well yourself.

blubberyboo · 27/04/2025 15:48

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 27/04/2025 12:33

When your DH said "he thinks occasions like this cement relationships" he was absolutely right, and it has.

This is not so much about weddings, more about them making a public point. I'm usually in the camp that says its their wedding they can invite who they like, but in this case it's actually excluding a child and saying she's not really part of the family she's grown up in. If the numbers are so tight they can only invite 3 out of the 4 close relatives... then just say its immediate family only, no cousins... and no one would have batted an eyelid.

What would upset me is that the exclusion policies of the BIL's family are throwing a big wedge into your nuclear family, and they absolutely know this because it's the second time its happened. For what? What do they get out of this? For the sake of a £25- £50 a head cover charge? If you were able to ask them and offered to pay, they would probably say it's not the cost it's the principle. What a way to start a marriage, alienating your uncle's family - just to make a public point about excluding his stepdaughter, whilst favouring his DD and then MIL blaming you two for declining the first offer - effectively saying you brought it on yourselves. As if she had zero influence and was unable to exert any diplomacy. She's basically washing her hands.

They don't bloody care about how you and your DH feel, how your DD1 feels or the relationship between the two sisters. As long as they are able to make their point. People can say there's no reason why they should, but To me it feels like they are making a demonstration of their principles at the expense of a child who has known no other family and also a way of thinking they are superior to others. It's nasty.

The only reason DD2 knows so much about these weddings and trots out the line that her sister is only a half sister, has been picked up from MIL and Co and I think that is damaging to your nuclear family.

I don't know what I would do in your shoes with DD2, only you and DH can assess the best way to handle it.

I hope that you are able to downplay this as much as possible with DD1 and that you can have a nice weekend with her to take everyone's mind off it.

Absolutely correct.

I know no child who has grown up in home with a half- sibling who doesn't refer to them as brother or sister.

This whole situation stinks of an extended family who go out of their way to always talk about the child as being an outsider. It's only showing now.

After last year they should have known to include her

I think the idea of OP going with DD2 and not DH is a good one. It shows that you will not allow them unfettered access to manipulate your daughter whilst the uncle blood relative makes a point that he stands with his eldest daughter

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 16:02

Another vote for the idea for the OP to take the daughter. Genius idea @tigerlily9
They won't be expecting that 😂

InterIgnis · 27/04/2025 16:21

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 13:45

God this is really getting tedious, some people are really twisting themselves in knots to try to make out that it's somehow normal to divide families in this way, when pretty much all decent people would have put all 4 on the invitation end of story, and the idea of leaving the eldest daughter off the invitation would never even have entered their heads.

You aren’t required to respond if it is tedious to you.

I’m not twisting myself in any knots. It is a very common, indeed normal, blended family dynamic, and I take no issue with it. If you disagree then oh well 🤷🏻‍♀️ I neither expect nor need you to.

The family is ‘divided’, and the relationships they have reflect that the sisters do not share all the same extended family. OP’s in laws are not her eldest daughter’s paternal family, and have not acted as if they are. She is now nearly an adult at 18, so it is fairly safe to say that this is not going to change.

Despite them not offering the oldest those relationships, and them having little relationship with her, the youngest has for her entire life so far been encouraged to forge close and loving ties with them. She has done exactly this, and as such this is an entirely normal state of affairs. It is unreasonable to expect her to suddenly take issue with it now,

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 16:26

Back again to just reiterate how genius the idea is that the OP goes with the youngest daughter.
It sends so many messages.

It really emphasises how much the OPs husband thinks the eldest daughter is his family.
Also that you don't trust them with the youngest.
Also it's a real 'don't fuck with my family, two can play that game' message.
I also LOVE that the OP who is not blood related would be attending while the blood relative stays at home 😂

Do it OP!!

ETA: That's if you and your husband can't come to an agreement to not allow the youngest to go.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 27/04/2025 16:32

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 16:26

Back again to just reiterate how genius the idea is that the OP goes with the youngest daughter.
It sends so many messages.

It really emphasises how much the OPs husband thinks the eldest daughter is his family.
Also that you don't trust them with the youngest.
Also it's a real 'don't fuck with my family, two can play that game' message.
I also LOVE that the OP who is not blood related would be attending while the blood relative stays at home 😂

Do it OP!!

ETA: That's if you and your husband can't come to an agreement to not allow the youngest to go.

Edited

I agree perfect solution. And if Dad could do something amazing with DD1 that would be even better.

Dinosaurshoebox · 27/04/2025 16:47

From what OP has said I don't think Her husband would agree or allow that.

He is happy for his child to be with his family and is against any further drama.
He is of the belief that him not attending is all the action needed.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 16:49

Iwantmyoldnameback · 27/04/2025 16:32

I agree perfect solution. And if Dad could do something amazing with DD1 that would be even better.

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It’s only the perfect solution if the message you are sending actually lands. No doubt there will be bitching about the Op, accusations about causing drama around a wedding, talk of her being controlling and not allowing DH to go.

These people are not going to say ah we see you are sending a message, message received, we were wrong. People generally don’t roll over that easy.

This started with one family member and has now escalated into some of the 50 the DH said in the previous thread probably would have invited DD1. And that’s fine if the DH is happy to have conflict with his family members except he doesn’t appear to be in fact he wants DD2 to maintain a relationship with them.

NotSafeInTaxis · 27/04/2025 17:06

Dinosaurshoebox · 27/04/2025 16:47

From what OP has said I don't think Her husband would agree or allow that.

He is happy for his child to be with his family and is against any further drama.
He is of the belief that him not attending is all the action needed.

He's right

NotSafeInTaxis · 27/04/2025 17:07

Bellyblueboy · 27/04/2025 15:13

The problem is that shifts the family narrative.

You take the high road. Decline the invitation and be truthful about the reason.

It is hurtful to the family that one member was excluded, so we will not be attending.

Or, as Jill’s parents we won’t attend an event that she has been excluded from. Amy has decided that she does want to attend so she will attend with her Nana.

no mixed messages, no passive aggressive behwviour, no matching their bad manners. Just clear, unambiguous reasoning. No one can argue

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The youngest daughter, who wants to attend the wedding of her family member, can definitely argue.

Nanny0gg · 27/04/2025 17:11

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 26/04/2025 17:15

Oh the idea of being away to treat my eldest daughter wasn't something she was interested in last time and I don't think it will cut it this time either, I do also think there is potential of rubbing salt in the wounds, by offering a trip it is as if she is missing something amazing. I am not expressing myself well. I hope people understand what I am trying to say.

Sounds like they are happy to drive a wedge between the girls

And your husband is facilitating it by not making a challenge that he treats them as though they're both his

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 17:14

Dinosaurshoebox · 27/04/2025 16:47

From what OP has said I don't think Her husband would agree or allow that.

He is happy for his child to be with his family and is against any further drama.
He is of the belief that him not attending is all the action needed.

Maybe he hasn't heard the genius idea yet 😂

tigerlily9 · 27/04/2025 17:20

It doesn’t matter if the message lands or not. OP’s priorities are her family and BOTH her daughters.

DH staying with DD1 says to her you are important to me even if my family say you aren’t my daughter and are rude to you.

OP going with DD2 says you are my daughter and important to me so I am taking you, even though they are excluding DD1, as this is your extended family and because I know this matters to you. I would not let her go alone for this reason.

As parents they are saying this is our family. We are a unit. If DH goes with DD2, it is reinforcing that OP and DD1 are not viewed as family by DH’s family and by DH.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 17:43

tigerlily9 · 27/04/2025 17:20

It doesn’t matter if the message lands or not. OP’s priorities are her family and BOTH her daughters.

DH staying with DD1 says to her you are important to me even if my family say you aren’t my daughter and are rude to you.

OP going with DD2 says you are my daughter and important to me so I am taking you, even though they are excluding DD1, as this is your extended family and because I know this matters to you. I would not let her go alone for this reason.

As parents they are saying this is our family. We are a unit. If DH goes with DD2, it is reinforcing that OP and DD1 are not viewed as family by DH’s family and by DH.

Edited

Except DD2 is now 14. She didn’t have a parent with her at 12. She went off and had a load of fun with her granny and cousins. Now her mum is accompanying her to her dad’s family wedding to make a point, but her dad is staying at home to make a point. And now DD2 is stuck on the day dealing with all that tension. And the point is about her sister who DD2 doesn’t see as a member of DH’s family. She doesn’t even agree with the point being made.

I think talk to DD2 about how DD1 feels, but not about how the parents feel that isn’t for her to manage, and if she chooses to go at 16 that is her choice to make.

The OP & her husband are also at odds. As much as he is willing to stay home for DD1, he isn’t just agreeing to DD2 because he sees it as her choice, he wants her to cement relations with his family.

caringcarer · 27/04/2025 17:45

Decline invite for all of your family and don't send a gift. Nasty spiteful family excluding 1 DC.

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 17:47

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 17:43

Except DD2 is now 14. She didn’t have a parent with her at 12. She went off and had a load of fun with her granny and cousins. Now her mum is accompanying her to her dad’s family wedding to make a point, but her dad is staying at home to make a point. And now DD2 is stuck on the day dealing with all that tension. And the point is about her sister who DD2 doesn’t see as a member of DH’s family. She doesn’t even agree with the point being made.

I think talk to DD2 about how DD1 feels, but not about how the parents feel that isn’t for her to manage, and if she chooses to go at 16 that is her choice to make.

The OP & her husband are also at odds. As much as he is willing to stay home for DD1, he isn’t just agreeing to DD2 because he sees it as her choice, he wants her to cement relations with his family.

Edited

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DD2 is 13.
And I doubt she'll care about the tension, and if she does care about it then maybe it will open to her eyes that it's the in-laws that caused it.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 17:51

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 17:47

DD2 is 13.
And I doubt she'll care about the tension, and if she does care about it then maybe it will open to her eyes that it's the in-laws that caused it.

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Got age wrong but my point was more she’s still two years older than she was the last time when she went alone.

But if you take it that some of the in-laws don’t see DD1 as part of their family, DD2 has said very strongly she doesn’t see DD1 as part of DH’s family.

And DH wants DD2 to build relationships with his family. He doesn’t think so ill of them that he’d discourage it. He is willing to not go himself but that’s as far as he’s going.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 17:58

And in case anyone thinks I’m awful, for the record I don’t agree with what the family have done this time. It has descended into point scoring.
If someone told me I’d upset them, I’d amend that behaviour unless they were asking for something outlandish which isn’t the case here clearly.

Jamum12 · 27/04/2025 17:59

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 17:51

Got age wrong but my point was more she’s still two years older than she was the last time when she went alone.

But if you take it that some of the in-laws don’t see DD1 as part of their family, DD2 has said very strongly she doesn’t see DD1 as part of DH’s family.

And DH wants DD2 to build relationships with his family. He doesn’t think so ill of them that he’d discourage it. He is willing to not go himself but that’s as far as he’s going.

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She said it very strongly while trying to get her own way, when she was 12. That isn't an indication of much. She probably didn't think that at all until this issue came about.

And the DHs opinion may change.