Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

Cherchez la femme.

Again, I have no idea why you think you are better informed about this man’s family than he is.

I wouldn’t have dreamt of telling an uncle who had lived with and parented a child since they a toddler that he wasn’t their parent.

But then I also think it is remarkably petty to go to the trouble of writing out an invitation to 3 out of 4 members of a family.

It’s also incredibly lazy & misogynistic to blame it on the brides - as though the grooms have no agency in the matter. But I suppose it works as a handy get out jail card.

But then as you say an awful lot of unpleasant behaviour is excused on MN.

Exactly!

Especially as to invite 3 people instead of 4 creates an uneven number in terms of pairing people up. It's so deliberate and unnecessary to leave 1 child out.

All I said in my quote was that people have different views on step-children. You can’t actually force people to feel a certain way.

The man is question, and I quote thinks it’s a good thing for his DD2 to go to the wedding to “cemet” relationships with his family. So he himself does see the girls as different when it comes to his family.

The explanation given was that the invitation was sent by the bride who isn’t aware of the “situation”, nothing to do with misogyny at all as in this case it was actually the bride who looked after the invites.

Now things have descended into being petty as emotions are raised and a man is angry his mother was upset around his brother’s wedding.

I do understand she doesn't want a consolation prize. But you could make her aware that this situation doesn't just hurt her, it hurts you and your DH equally as his family are basically saying

1. That they somehow have the right to make a judgment on how close and belonging his family unit is. The comment about "setup" for instance. They are undermining him and his decisions in life making it sound like he has just shacked up for a while like a bachelor still figuring his life out.
2. That they would rather split your family up than invite one more person not considering where she would even go for the day.
3. That they haven't listened following last year.
4. That they are blaming the new women joining the family rather than the men using their own knowledge and agency.

Help her realise that this has cut you and him equally so she doesn't feel alone and that YOU want to be away somewhere when it is happening so that you don't have to sit and fume about it while it is happening.

Ah now let’s not go blaming the 85 old year granny without evidence

A lot of rubbish..every bride making invitations ASKS her fiance about the family members and who to invite. If she was left out it was becuase her groom told her to..he told her that she didn't belong.

"They" dont have to feel anything for the child. I would expect the groom to respect his uncle's wishes however - I certainly would.

But clearly you are happy to find any excuse to exclude a child.

Would you have attended the first wedding as a 3 and shipped your child off to their nonexistent paternal family for the day?

Im working off the explanation given which is that it was an over sight/misunderstanding of the “set/up” by the bride. People can obviously speculate beyond that if they wish but it’s pure and utter speculation. The OP has herself said she feels there was no malice in it.

I don’t think it’s helpful to the OP to suggest motives and intentions that she herself hasn’t set out, including stuff like it’s the granny’s doing.

I have at no point said I think the 3 of them should have headed off to the wedding.

The explanation given for the oversight excuse is that the bride wasn’t aware of the situation.

I don’t what adoption has to do with anything, nobody in this situation is adopted.

DD1 has her own father, with his own family. If there is NC that is not on DD2 to compensate for. Neither is it on DH’s family to compensate for.

Could not agree more. What has happened is that the OP wants to pretend that her first relationship didn't happen and erase that part of her life, creating this new fairytale that her new husband is the father of both children. Which he isn't. OP can believe that all she likes and call her two children sisters when they are half-sisters, but she cannot expect everyone else to go along with her version of the truth.

Her husband's family clearly do not consider her older daughter as a relative and that's fine. They don't have to. As long as they are cordial to her and not rude to her face, that's as much as can be expected. It's not their fault that the older daughter's paternal family are a bit shit.

Blended families are a total shitshow.

The bride must have got her list of names of extended family from someone in that family even if the groom was too lazy to double check it.

Anyway we wont agree. I wouldn't have upset my Uncle for the sake of excluding a child he viewed himself as a parent to for 14 years.

Ask if the invitation can be revised to include DD1 this time.

As think it was my post you quoted I have to say I disagree somewhat.

I think given the way the family evolved I can’t see any issue with the OP viewing her girls as more akin to sisters within their own household immediate family unit. DD2 has herself said she views DD1 as essentially akin to a full sister. And DH has been on the scene in a serious way since DD1 was very small.

The bit where I struggle and tbh go back and forth, even when I read the bit you quoted I thought that’s a bit brutal and I wrote it, is the expectation of extended families. I’m picturing my MIL and thinking if I MH had a child when I met DH what would be reasonable to expect of her. And I just feel from what I know of her that she would most likely include my child but I know she’d see any subsequent DC with DH differently.

I never said I would. I said I’m working off the explanation given and you don’t believe it that’s the point we are disagreeing on.

I don’t want to go over the explanation given by the groom again, other than saying nobody expressly said anything.

I think there is piece of the picture missing. DD1 is now 18 I think. We’ve been told about two weddings but nothing about what the extent of the relationship with the extended family has been and the involvement of grandparents etc with DD1 throughout the years. There is a suggestion that DD2 might have more of a relationship with DH’s mother than DD1 with no further detail given.

The family are not a good influence on your younger daughter if that is what she is saying.

This time you should go with your younger daughter and when people ask where is DH, you say that as whole family was not invited and younger daughter really wanted to come, you came this time and he is doing something with older daughter.

I would not let her go alone, she is part of your family first.

I would let DH and older daughter chose to do an activity together- see a film or chill at home. I wouldn’t make a big effort over my outfit and keep day low key. Like taking a child to a birthday party.

Don’t turn it into a drama and treat it with the contempt it deserves.

Yet again, never used the word forbid of stop. Forbid is your own word.😘

When your DH said "he thinks occasions like this cement relationships" he was absolutely right, and it has.

This is not so much about weddings, more about them making a public point. I'm usually in the camp that says its their wedding they can invite who they like, but in this case it's actually excluding a child and saying she's not really part of the family she's grown up in. If the numbers are so tight they can only invite 3 out of the 4 close relatives... then just say its immediate family only, no cousins... and no one would have batted an eyelid.

What would upset me is that the exclusion policies of the BIL's family are throwing a big wedge into your nuclear family, and they absolutely know this because it's the second time its happened. For what? What do they get out of this? For the sake of a £25- £50 a head cover charge? If you were able to ask them and offered to pay, they would probably say it's not the cost it's the principle. What a way to start a marriage, alienating your uncle's family - just to make a public point about excluding his stepdaughter, whilst favouring his DD and then MIL blaming you two for declining the first offer - effectively saying you brought it on yourselves. As if she had zero influence and was unable to exert any diplomacy. She's basically washing her hands.

They don't bloody care about how you and your DH feel, how your DD1 feels or the relationship between the two sisters. As long as they are able to make their point. People can say there's no reason why they should, but To me it feels like they are making a demonstration of their principles at the expense of a child who has known no other family and also a way of thinking they are superior to others. It's nasty.

The only reason DD2 knows so much about these weddings and trots out the line that her sister is only a half sister, has been picked up from MIL and Co and I think that is damaging to your nuclear family.

I don't know what I would do in your shoes with DD2, only you and DH can assess the best way to handle it.

I hope that you are able to downplay this as much as possible with DD1 and that you can have a nice weekend with her to take everyone's mind off it.

what was wrong with the last reply?

Lol. No, you not wishing to acknowledge something does not mean it is ‘wrong’, especially when it is the definition that is generally accepted.

I’m not sure why it’s so important to you that a blended family is considered a nuclear one. It isn’t the same as one where both children share the same extended family, and their respective relationships reflect that. ‘Nuclear family’ isn’t a value judgement, any more than ‘blended family’ or ‘adoptive family’ is.

just a human trait, bit of loyalty and kindness, never goes astray and as adults probably better to sort some stuff out.