Page 16 | Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone · 2025-04-26T14:20:56+00:00

[[https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5069694-12-year-old-wants-to-go-to-wedding-where-sister-hasnt-been-invited 12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet]] This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again. Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom. Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent. My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again. The family clearly want to make some bizarre point. I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation --grovelled --for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity. I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 09:05

RescueTurtle · 27/04/2025 07:54

I actually agree with the earlier post about taking DD1 somewhere really special instead for a couple of nights, you could get a budget flight abroad, just the two of you. I know you said OP that you didn’t want to do something special to make up for it as then DD1 will feel as if she is missing out on something amazing, but the point is that she already feels hurt and excluded so you can’t pretend that isn’t happening.

If DD2 expresses annoyance that she isn’t going away, then you can gently remind her that they don’t both need to be invited to the same things.. I would absolutely do it and prioritise the feelings of DD1. People are saying you shouldn’t prioritise the feelings of one DC over another, but actually DD1 has no choice or control in this situation- but DD2 has and is choosing to be a little cow about it, and extremely self-centred. So just wish her well and protect DD1s feelings as much as you can, and show her that her hurt feelings are understandable but that you will have fun on your own and enjoy some 1-1 time.

A 13 year old is being a little cow for wanting to go to her cousins wedding? Can you hear yourself?

DD2 didn’t choose the situation her parents decided to bring her into and is not responsible for the choices made by any of the adults involved here.

RescueTurtle · 27/04/2025 09:12

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 09:05

A 13 year old is being a little cow for wanting to go to her cousins wedding? Can you hear yourself?

DD2 didn’t choose the situation her parents decided to bring her into and is not responsible for the choices made by any of the adults involved here.

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We have different opinions on this. Yes, that is what I think. Her sister takes priority over her cousin and she is showing an absolute lack of loyalty and empathy. This can be quite normal for teenagers of course, but I still think it is unpleasant and unkind. Her sister lives with her and has been there since she was born, this isn’t a random child who has been brought into her world much later in life. I to wonder though if DD2 has had her DH’s family in her life from an early age, reminding her that DD1 is only her “half sister”.

thepariscrimefiles · 27/04/2025 09:14

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 09:01

No, they aren’t. The husbands brother is only the father of the groom. Not someone who is in a position to influence the invitations. Yet still he’s being criticised. I hope I’m not held responsible for choices made by my adult son and his fiancé.

The OP and her dd never see the bride and groom whose wedding it is so it makes no sense for 16 year old to be devastated about not being invited to a wedding of people she doesn’t know and isn’t related to.

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As they are a family of four and the 16 year old has been part of the wider family since she was two, it's an absolute dick move to send a wedding invitation that excludes one child of that family.

Last time it was an oversight, this time it's deliberate. It's fine for OP's in-laws not to consider her daughter as part of the family, but it's the height of bad manners to exclude one person from a family of four when the guest list will no doubt be full of people who are not blood related to the bride or groom.

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 09:17

RescueTurtle · 27/04/2025 09:12

We have different opinions on this. Yes, that is what I think. Her sister takes priority over her cousin and she is showing an absolute lack of loyalty and empathy. This can be quite normal for teenagers of course, but I still think it is unpleasant and unkind. Her sister lives with her and has been there since she was born, this isn’t a random child who has been brought into her world much later in life. I to wonder though if DD2 has had her DH’s family in her life from an early age, reminding her that DD1 is only her “half sister”.

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But we have no idea if the sisters even get on well. Plenty of pairs of sisters don’t.

You say a sister takes priority, but why should she be made to choose in the first place. None of this is her doing, she’s just a kid stuck in the middle.

The simple way of ensuring everyone was happy would be to play it down and not let it become a big divisive issue. DD2 can love her sister at the same time as having a relationship with her Nan and cousins.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 09:19

RescueTurtle · 27/04/2025 09:12

We have different opinions on this. Yes, that is what I think. Her sister takes priority over her cousin and she is showing an absolute lack of loyalty and empathy. This can be quite normal for teenagers of course, but I still think it is unpleasant and unkind. Her sister lives with her and has been there since she was born, this isn’t a random child who has been brought into her world much later in life. I to wonder though if DD2 has had her DH’s family in her life from an early age, reminding her that DD1 is only her “half sister”.

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I think it’s helpful to stick to the facts, the OP has neither said nor implied that DH’s family have caused any issue for the girls. In fact she hasn’t mentioned any previous issue other than these two weddings at all.

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 09:22

thepariscrimefiles · 27/04/2025 09:14

As they are a family of four and the 16 year old has been part of the wider family since she was two, it's an absolute dick move to send a wedding invitation that excludes one child of that family.

Last time it was an oversight, this time it's deliberate. It's fine for OP's in-laws not to consider her daughter as part of the family, but it's the height of bad manners to exclude one person from a family of four when the guest list will no doubt be full of people who are not blood related to the bride or groom.

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I agree with you that it was unkind not to invite the whole family and it’s not what I would have done, but ultimately, brides and grooms get to choose who they invite to their wedding.

They never see OP and her daughter so probably didn’t think it would be such a big deal to them.
Also, this is a separate wedding to the last one. They are not related at all.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 09:24

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 09:17

But we have no idea if the sisters even get on well. Plenty of pairs of sisters don’t.

You say a sister takes priority, but why should she be made to choose in the first place. None of this is her doing, she’s just a kid stuck in the middle.

The simple way of ensuring everyone was happy would be to play it down and not let it become a big divisive issue. DD2 can love her sister at the same time as having a relationship with her Nan and cousins.

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The OP has said the sisters get on fine.

But otherwise agree with you. DD2 doesn’t have control over her family circumstances.

DD2 has a relationship with her granny and if she’s “in and out” of granny’s house per the OP’s posts it’s clearly an important one to her. Why not let her go the wedding with granny as she did the last time.

Showerflowers · 27/04/2025 09:29

My own DH would have been very clear to ALL his family that he will not allow his stepchild to be excluded from anything. He’s basically her father! He’s been in her life since she was tiny. This is appalling behaviour from him imo.

StClabberts · 27/04/2025 09:34

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 09:05

A 13 year old is being a little cow for wanting to go to her cousins wedding? Can you hear yourself?

DD2 didn’t choose the situation her parents decided to bring her into and is not responsible for the choices made by any of the adults involved here.

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This. Little cow?! Fucking hell.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 09:46

Showerflowers · 27/04/2025 09:29

My own DH would have been very clear to ALL his family that he will not allow his stepchild to be excluded from anything. He’s basically her father! He’s been in her life since she was tiny. This is appalling behaviour from him imo.

Which bit is appalling behaviour?

A women he has met 5 times issued a wedding invitation not inviting his step-daughter. He declined the invitation.

What he is refusing to do is ban his then 12/now 14 year old from going as he values the relationship she has with his family. I can’t see how that is so wrong.

commonsense61 · 27/04/2025 09:47

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commonsense61 · 27/04/2025 09:49

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CaptainFuture · 27/04/2025 09:51

Bloody hell @RescueTurtle DD2 has and is choosing to be a little cow about it, and extremely self-centred.
A 'little cow' and self centered?! What because she wants to see family and isn't doing what her mum demands?
That is a concerning way to talk about a child!

GoodCharl · 27/04/2025 09:56

Book a holiday over that time period so unfortunately none of you are available. What a shame!

commonsense61 · 27/04/2025 09:57

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CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 09:59

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What’s that got to do with anything? Step children are not adopted children. I’d have been horrified as a child if my mother’s husband automatically had the same parental rights as my actual father.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 09:59

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Why do you keep bringing up adoption?

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 10:01

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 09:59

What’s that got to do with anything? Step children are not adopted children. I’d have been horrified as a child if my mother’s husband automatically had the same parental rights as my actual father.

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This, the DD1 is not an adopted child.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 10:04

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The OP has covered pretty much all of this in her posts,

The first time it was an oversight, this time the OP thinks it because the groom pissed off that his mother was upset the last time.

The 14 year old has said she feels they are her family not her sister’s family and seems to hold this view so strongly that she asked her mother if she was expecting her other relatives to be invited as well as DD1.

Notonthestairs · 27/04/2025 10:06

I imagine after 14 years of parenting he probably views himself as her Dad.

Which is he won’t attend his nephews wedding.

Strange then that his extended family believe they know his family unit better than he does.

KarmaKameelion · 27/04/2025 10:09

CopperWhite · 27/04/2025 09:05

A 13 year old is being a little cow for wanting to go to her cousins wedding? Can you hear yourself?

DD2 didn’t choose the situation her parents decided to bring her into and is not responsible for the choices made by any of the adults involved here.

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I know - I can’t believe what I am reading. By the sounds of it there are multiple cousins around the same age. I suspect that they are now at the age where they now phones and social media so i am sure getting dressed up and putting make up on is hugely fun and of course she wants to go with her cousins who by the sounds of it are also friends.

does it suck for the older daughter - absolutely!!! But it’s not for the younger daughter to manage the situation or really be involved at all.

OP - I would suggest really looking into if you should continue these posts as you now have randoms on the internet calling your daughter a cow.

Iwantmyoldnameback · 27/04/2025 10:35

I'd let her go to the wedding but I'd cut down the amount of time she spends with Gran (without making it too obvious) as she's a stirrer. The girl hasn't had to blend she was born into it and normal decent people would have already been treating a toddler as their own family.

As for the day of the wedding, do something lovely with DD1, shopping trip, show in London, spa day, whatever she would really enjoy.

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 10:36

Notonthestairs · 27/04/2025 10:06

I imagine after 14 years of parenting he probably views himself as her Dad.

Which is he won’t attend his nephews wedding.

Strange then that his extended family believe they know his family unit better than he does.

MN is literally full of threads about issues with extended families about step children. DD1 isn’t a biological or legal member of DH’s family and some people attach more weight to that than others.

In any case it isn’t his entire extended family. The first time was literally an oversight by a woman marrying into the family who doesn’t know the family well. No adult party handled the outcome of that especially well, and now there is tension around this second wedding.

happinessischocolate · 27/04/2025 10:36

GoodCharl · 27/04/2025 09:56

Book a holiday over that time period so unfortunately none of you are available. What a shame!

Or if younger dd is determined to go to the wedding have a weekend away/day at a theme park with older dd and her best friend instead

the7Vabo · 27/04/2025 10:39

Iwantmyoldnameback · 27/04/2025 10:35

I'd let her go to the wedding but I'd cut down the amount of time she spends with Gran (without making it too obvious) as she's a stirrer. The girl hasn't had to blend she was born into it and normal decent people would have already been treating a toddler as their own family.

As for the day of the wedding, do something lovely with DD1, shopping trip, show in London, spa day, whatever she would really enjoy.

Why is the evidence in the OP’s posts that the granny is a “stirrer”?!

The granny wasn’t in any way against the DD1 being invited, it wasn’t her invite to dictate, she the grandmother of the groom, not a big role when it comes to wedding invites.