Another family wedding where my eldest is excluded - a year on

[Stuckinthemiddlewithnoone]

12 year old wants to go to wedding where sister hasn't been invited | Mumsnet

This was my thread from almost a year ago and it's happened again.

Younger one invited but not older one, this time the brother of the original groom.

Younger one went with her gran and the rest of the family and we stayed at home. It's set a horrible precedent.

My husband isn't doing anything and younger one going on her own again.

The family clearly want to make some bizarre point.

I genuinely believed that this wouldn't happen again, only last week husband was at his mother's with the father of the groom and nobody said anything. My mother-in-law won't get involved but thinks we made too much of an issue last time and we should have asked for an invitation grovelled for my eldest daughter instead of declining with dignity.

I don't think this is against my daughter, I think this is payback for last time.

I feel that this is partly on you and your dh. If you both want her to be part of your dh's family, why hadn't he adopted her?

Op’s husband is neither biologically or legally the father of her eldest.

“A traditional nuclear family consists of a married couple and their biological child or children. A child in a traditional nuclear family lives with both biological parents, if siblings are present, only full brothers and sisters (that is, siblings who share the same two biological parents). No other persons are present in the household (that is, no steprelatives, foster and adopted children, half-siblings, and other relatives or non-relatives).

A blended family/blended household includes at least one step-parent, stepsiblings, and/or half-siblings. A step-parent is the spouse of the child's biological parent but is not the child's biological parent. Step-siblings do not share a common biological parent; the biological parent of one child is the step-parent of the other. Half-siblings share only one biological parent”

https://www.csus.edu/indiv/k/kawamoto/downloadable/50jackson1.htm

“A nuclear family is typically defined as a household consisting of two adult parents—traditionally one male and one female—and their biological children. This family structure has historically been seen as a fundamental social unit in many cultures around the world. While some organizations require the parents to be legally married for a family to be classified as nuclear, others include unmarried couples living with their children. The concept of the nuclear family emerged prominently during the Industrial Revolution, which shifted economic practices and living arrangements, leading to smaller household units as people moved to urban areas for work.”

https://www.ebsco.com/research-starters/social-sciences-and-humanities/nuclear-family

There is, however, this:

Nuclear Families and Elementary Family Types
The nuclear family, sometimes called an elementary family, is often considered to be the idealised image of family: woman as mum and wife, man as husband and father, and two children. In this sense, the nuclear family is presented as the natural or commonsense interpretation of family. However, what constitutes a nuclear family is a source of contention. In general, it remains seen as that idealised image but others such as Golding (2006: 36) have redefined the meaning of nuclear family to include:
single parents, mixed families, stepfamilies, families with biological children, adoptive children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, [and] foster children.
Although this seems to confuse things from the start, what Golding is trying to say is that the idealised image of the nuclear family can still be formed from the differing family types. For example, if two adults have two adopted children, is this a nuclear family? Regardless, the nuclear family as a family type is still generally considered to be the mother, father, and their direct offspring. Murdock (1949: 2) and Parsons (in parsons & Bales, 1955: 157) saw the nuclear family as a universal component of society meaning that the nuclear family is something that exists in all societies.

sociologymag.com/academic-sociology/subject-areas/sociology-of-family/list-of-family-types-in-sociology/

Uh, no and just stop. After making a silly argument and being proven wrong, you now want to cherry pick through the many definitions of "nuclear family" to insist that you're right when you're not. They are a married couple with two children, one of whom is biologically his and one who is not but whom he has raised as his child since age two, who considers him and calls him her father, and who has no other father in her life. They live together and are socially recognized as a family unit. End of. Now please to look up "tiresome."

@InterIgnis I think that is called an own goal in terms of posts. My god the lack of self awareness, go on ... go away and namechange. Shot hit and landed and ... knocked yourself out.

Send eldest to wedding and take younger DD somewhere really fabulous with DH like Paris.

I can’t believe the responses on this thread.

People saying that it’s ok to railroad DD2s feelings about her own extended family, being adamant that the sisters cannot be described as “half sisters” when they are as a matter of fact half sisters.

Mentioning adoption in a very emotive way when adoption is a completely different thing.

DD1 has her own father, with his own family. If there is NC that is not on DD2 to compensate for. Neither is it on DH’s family to compensate for.

The person who didn’t invite DD1 the first time isn’t a close relative in fact by the sounds of things she may never have been in the OP’s house. It’s also unclear what relationship DD1 has with DH’s family but it sounds less than DD2. Second time is different but how emotions are heightened by the upset granny.

Quit with the sockpuppet accounts. Very immature.

The MIL isn’t even the mother of the groom.’She’s the grandmother of the groom and the first time the bride issued the invitations. Nothing to do with the MIL.

Im a different person. Check my other posts.

Or just don’t make a big deal of it.

DD2 is going to her father’s family wedding. Why blow it into a massive issue. DD1 only needs something special to compensate for it if her parents chose to act like it is a big deal.

Exolain that venues have number caps etc and couple often chose to invite people they see more of etc.

I can be quite a bitch. I'd send a box, wrapped beautifully , inside would be a card saying, "Sorry you didn't invite X so we spent your gift on her".

And of course I would spend the money on the 16 year old.

I read the earlier thread and I stand corrected in that the family are closer than I had thought.

I was struck by how strongly your DD2 feels in that she asked if all the OP’s relatives need to be invited to the wedding.
She also said that while she sees her sister as the same as her full sister she doesn’t see why the extended family are expected to. Thats a strong level of emotion to be dealing with.

The DH also agrees with DD2’s views on that her wanted DD2 to go to cement her relationship with her granny/his mother.

DD1 has no relationship with her father from the previous thread. If it is not big deal as you said, then just invite her. A 12/13 year old can very well be expected to have the emotional intelligence to cope with missing a day out and why, even if it needs to be spelled out to her.

I would be shocked if I had to explain that to my teenage daughter.

I would feel I had let her down in terms of being brought up.

bit of empathy, bit of kindness, bit of understanding, bit of loyalty ... the youngest has her dad and her mam, the eldest has just her mam. As if she can't give up one day (I'd make her with hard words about life) and if there is a problem with that as if they could not invite the eldest child. These brothers are willing to shove their own brother aside instead of just extending an invite. They must really hate you OP.

DD2 has very strong feelings on the subject as she has clearly expressed.

The OP “lost it with her”, but that didn’t work and actually led her to ask if the OP’s other relatives needed to be invited.

So does OP let DD2 and manage DD1’s feelings or forbid DD2 from going and manage her feelings?

I can’t see how forbidding DD2 from going will actually help anything. It t doesn’t even sound like something DD1 necessarily wants. She might want her sister to not want to go but the reality is her sister wants to go.

DD2 isn’t responsible for DD1 not having her father in her life. It’s unfair to place that at her door.

There’s no evidence that anyone hates the OP. It’s not the brother’s wedding, it’s the nephews. The bride issued the invites the first time, and didn’t according to her husband understand the DH relationship with the DD1. It was the bride who the OP had met 5 times, who doesn’t know the family well who made the decision. It wasn’t done out of malice as the Op said.

It does all seem to have gotten quite messy after that. But it’s hard to tell whether anyone is actually at fault or if it just became a mess of miscommunication.

You should really check with MNHQ before throwing around accusations of sock puppetry. It’s petty and just shows you have lost the argument.

Which post are you referring to? Why would @InterIgnis name change?

And why have you implied OP is a bad mother and that her in laws hate her? Where’s your empathy for a young girl caught between two parts of her family?

I actually agree with the earlier post about taking DD1 somewhere really special instead for a couple of nights, you could get a budget flight abroad, just the two of you. I know you said OP that you didn’t want to do something special to make up for it as then DD1 will feel as if she is missing out on something amazing, but the point is that she already feels hurt and excluded so you can’t pretend that isn’t happening.

If DD2 expresses annoyance that she isn’t going away, then you can gently remind her that they don’t both need to be invited to the same things.. I would absolutely do it and prioritise the feelings of DD1. People are saying you shouldn’t prioritise the feelings of one DC over another, but actually DD1 has no choice or control in this situation- but DD2 has and is choosing to be a little cow about it, and extremely self-centred. So just wish her well and protect DD1s feelings as much as you can, and show her that her hurt feelings are understandable but that you will have fun on your own and enjoy some 1-1 time.

It particularly isn't simple when OPs DH disagrees with her, thinks his DD should be able to attend and doesn't back down on the issue. Nobody has yet explained how they'd be able to enforce their will when the other equal parent thinks they're wrong.

DD1s feelings are understandable. It isn’t a nice experience for a household with young girl to get a wedding invitation and one not be included.

The main wrong that has been done to DD1 in life is not having contact with her father. It sound like DH has been a great father to her. And it also sounds like there hasn’t been issues with DH’s family particularly his significant family inc his mother.

A wedding invitation that it transpires was sent by a nephew’s bride to be who doesn’t really know the family has triggered a big row.

DD2 has explained that she doesn’t see DH’s family as her sister’s family. We don’t know whether her motivation for this is to one-up her sister. It may simply be how she sees it.
It’s also how the DH sees it given that he supported her going the last time to “cemet” her relationship with his family.

It seems the OP is really struggling to manage her own emotions around it.

I think it’s really horrible behaviour from your in-laws. How cruel to exclude a child who has been part of the family for so many years. I agree with your husband though, your BIL should be taking more of a stand, if that was my son I’d make sure that your eldest was invited. I also think your husband is showing his loyalty and support by not going. Very sad for your daughter. Try not to get too upset with your younger child, kids are selfish arseholes and she will more than likely see it differently when she grows up. I can see that you have to let her go though.

No, they aren’t. The husbands brother is only the father of the groom. Not someone who is in a position to influence the invitations. Yet still he’s being criticised. I hope I’m not held responsible for choices made by my adult son and his fiancé.

The OP and her dd never see the bride and groom whose wedding it is so it makes no sense for 16 year old to be devastated about not being invited to a wedding of people she doesn’t know and isn’t related to.