Boyfriend lied to me about getting banned from his gym

[ScarlettRunner]

Hi all,

I would appreciate a bit of a hand hold here, I’ve only found out this morning and don’t know what to make of it all.

My boyfriend is really into the gym, goes most days etc. About a month ago he told me he was changing gyms as he needed a bit of a change of scenery and because his had got really busy, I felt it was odd as I know he really liked it there but thought nothing more of it.

Out shopping this morning I bumped into an old colleague who also goes to the original gym. We had small talk and she asked how my BF is, and said she thought it was ‘harsh’ what happened to him.

I asked what she meant and she was apologetic and said she thought I knew, and that her understanding was my BF had his membership cancelled due to a complaint by another member, and that I’d need to ask him about it.

I phoned him as soon as I left that shop, and he admitted this was true. He says he made what he thought was an innocent comment which was laughed off by a woman in there at the time but she complained to staff after and he received an email re. the cancellation.

Anyway, he said a woman was doing squats and he joked to her after ‘I thought your leggings were going to split’.

He didn’t want to tell me about this because he tonight I’d be annoyed but he says he feels hard done by and that he was clearly joking.

I can’t work out whether I’m right to be upset about the comment or if it’s him hiding it which is making it feel worse, it’s just a bit embarrassing all round.

He’s adamant the gym over-reacted and to be fair, that’s what my old colleague suggested too.

He also showed me a message to him from one of the staff who basically said the woman who complained is a known pain in the arse and she wouldn’t have let it go if he wasn’t banned. The message said the staff found the comment funny as it was clearly a joke…

Then that member of staff needs to be disciplined, or at the very least sent on some training.

No wonder so few women feel comfortable using a gym.

I stopped going to the gym and bought gym equipment for home because of this shit from men. I know lots of women who won’t go to the gym for the same reason. Creepy fucking men need to fuck off with their comments. The people defending them are almost as bad.

Don't be ridiculous.

Just don't say to strangers 'i thought your leggings were going to split".

It's not complicated.

It's normal behaviour for people over 5 years old.

There’s a woman local to me who posts her “workouts” on social media- she’s a firefighter and has a pretty sizeable following, mostly of women because she gives great advice and inspiration for strength training, agility and nutrition. It also means she makes a decent sideline in endorsement deals from a few different supplements and gymwear brands. Believe or not, not every woman who posts her workouts online is doing it because they want people to leer at their bodies on social media and much less by blokes in real life.

And then if you do mess up your form you’ll get some gymbro coming over and mansplaining how you should be doing it. And so it continues…

I would bet anything that it's not the first time he's been warned about inappropriate behaviour.

I also wouldn't believe that supposed message from a staff member at the gym was genuine.

This sounds like quite an unprofessional set up, the gym. Is it in someone's garage?

If not, to get a ban, I'd assume the comments were far, far worse than inferred.

I've reached my early 50s without ever meeting a single woman who has lied about being sexually demeaned, raped or stalked and harassed by predatory men.

I have met a good many men who say women are crazy, hysterical and exaggerate.

It was just banter. She 'laughed it off' at the time.

You know this isn't right.

He's the victim but he made a woman so very uncomfortable that she spoke to the operator and he was given an immediate ban?

Come on!

Follow your gut on this one.

If this woman was so offended why did she laugh it off and then complain. She should have called him out at the time if it was so offensive.

This is victim blaming - why are you focusing on the reactions of the person who has been sexually harassed and not the perpetrator? Why should she have to do anything - that's why we have a legal system - do you ask why someone didnt chase after someone who stole their wallet in order to resolve it?

Her response was what it was in the moment - most women are trained not to agitate the perpertrator - it's the advice I would give any female. Its not safe. What would it have achieved - more snidey comments from him - def not an apology as he has repeatedly said it was a joke. Letting him face the consequences of the establishment was the correct course of action.

OP already said she saw the email from the gym stating exactly what was said, and it was as he said.

You really don’t realise that women ‘laugh things off’ to stop a situation escalating because they are afraid of men. I have ‘laughed off’ and smiled and said whatever I’ve had to at times, just get away from a situation that is at best uncomfortable, and at worst that I’ve felt in danger from. It’s a tactic females learn pretty early on, the first time I did it I was only about 13 years old.

So he's made comments about her figure and also found her on Instagram?
Gee he really is the victim in all this isn't he. Doesn't she know just to laugh when men make their funny jokes?

I agree with this. And I think it’s about flaming time there was a zero tolerance approach to men making inappropriate comments to women. While men can obviously be harassed by women, it is way more prevalent the other way round and women have been conditioned to accept it as ‘banter’. Good for that woman in making a stand, there’s now one less creep she has to deal with at the gym.

That’s exactly how you are supposed to walk past people in the gym though, look where you are going not at someone working out. As for being in fear of upsetting someone, surely if you just don’t make comments to other people you will not upset them? If your behaviour means you will fear upsetting people, it’s something for you to fix. (General, not personal, you)

I'm a fella.. the commend sounds cringe and inappropriate.. I imagine he probably thought he was being funny in the moment and regretted it later..

Ban is harsh, he should have a warning.

He should have known better.. it's 2025, you don't speak to stranger women in gyms

He knew he did wrong. And that’s why you found out through someone else, and not him.

it's 2025, you don't speak to stranger women in gyms

I'm sure you can speak but maybe just don't say something that makes it clear you've been staring at their arse.

I mean the equivalent/vice versa is probably something like "I thought you were gonna fall out of your shorts there!" ....... What would you think - be honest - if a woman said that you you at the gym?

Nope. You just don’t make creepy comments or stare. Non creepy people find that remarkably easy.

The ban isn’t harsh at all. This man made a woman feel uncomfortable by being a creep. Why should she or anyone else have to feel uncomfortable because a grown man can’t behave in a decent manner. No decent man needs a warning as a reminder, they just don’t fucking do it! When they do, they should be kicked out.

"I was just interested on some other views as the non MN ones I’ve heard all think the gym over-reacted."

He sounds like a creep to me. I would not go to a gym where they thought that was acceptable behaviour.

But if you were my friend I would be unlikely to tell you to your face that I thought your boyfriend was a creep (never goes down well).

He sounds immature and socially unaware.

Your BF sexually harassed women at his old gym.

I would bet there were multiple complaints about him before he got 86ed. This was not a one time complaint. It has been bad enough that they banned him.

What makes that asshole think women appreciate his sexist remarks? He's not clueless, he just thought he could get away with it.

Good for the gym. Maybe he'll shut his stupid pie hole next time he wants to make offensive remarks about women's bodies.

That's a hell of a bf you got there

It was a foolish unkind remark. But not deserving a ban. Just told not to make inappropriate comments. Silly fuss about not much.

Harassment deserves a ban. It was more than "foolish and unkind".

I see that @ScarlettRunner hasnt said whether she intends to report that unprofessional message from the member of staff. I'm pretty sure a member of staff at my gym who sent that would be disciplined.

If he already knew her well, that could be considered to be a joke made with good intentions. But there is nothing friendly about it without a solid friendship there already.

Gyms used to be no go areas for lots of women because of this (and worse, but even "just" this) sort of thing. Can you imagine how many of those sorts of comments she would likely get every time she's there if they don't stamp down on it hard? I'm not surprised she complained. (And yes, of course she laughed it off at the time - that's the easiest way to get on with your workout in that sort of situation). Gyms need to be totally on top of poor male behaviour towards women, so many don't even realise how they feel entitled to treat women as visual entertainment and make comments that are bound to make women self conscious.

OP, I'm not surprised he didn't tell you. I doubt it occurred to him that she would take it as anything other than a joke, because most men go through life utterly oblivious to the impact constant comments on your looks can have on women. I think the gym were right to cancel his membership, but I don't think it's necessarily a reason for you to be upset with him unless it's just one in a string of similar behaviour. Hopefully he will have learnt his lesson, despite the "over reacted" comments.

It’s not a great thing to say, but I think a warning would have been appropriate.